This show is as good as over. The premise is great, the talent moderate – however the execution…? Leaves a lot to be desired.

Here’s the problem – and how it could be fixed:

• PROBLEM: We know what the “big secret” is. We KNOW they are lizards. Even my mother, who spends her days watching FoxNEWS knows that “V” stands for “lizard”. You are REBOOTING a show from the 80s. So, producers, writers and show runners – WTF? What’s with all this fake build-up? What you are doing is wasting our time.
  SOLUTION: Get on with it. Show us the gory, lizard beauty, and let the story go from there. You can’t hype shit.
   
• PROBLEM: You move at a snail’s pace with this plot. Is there a plot? I’ve totally forgotten why I give a shit anymore. You twist things up priests (?!) and mommies and daddies that lie to their sons (?!) and super awesome terrorists that can change the whole battlefield with their super awesome guerrilla tactic brain for a war that no one even really looks like they’re fighting.
  SOLUTION: Sadly, take a page from “Glee” – they bust through storylines like they’re an 80s Broker doing Coke in the bathroom. Sure, not all of them hit, some of them are incredibly outrageous (even for Glee’s suspension of disbelief) but they don’t waste their time with every minute detail. They get it out, hash it around for an episode or two, then move on – and the whole thing is used to move the arc of the season forward. The beauty of not wasting time is that YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO HATE IT. By the time you’ve decided, they’ve gone on to something else. Show me a shiny new penny every couple of episodes.

• PROBLEM: Your romantic lead is a priest or Juliet.
  SOLUTION: Does this really need more explanation? I mean, Juliet is hot, don’t get me wrong – but she was even hotter when wrestling with Kate in the jungle in the rain. Unless she gets to go topless with Anna – the lead “V” – I’m not buying it. And a priest? Seriously? A PRIEST? What kind of sick fuck decided that this was a good idea? A priest who kills is kinda cool, but the last thing I, and I’m gonna bet most of America, wants to see is a priest “steaming up the scene” with a hot blonde. Do you think this was a PR move on behalf of the Church to take our attention away from the whole “priest molestation” thing? Just a thought.
   



• PROBLEM: All your leads are from OTHER shows. Other shows WE JUST SAW. Look at it this way – I can name most of the leads from Lost, The 4400, Battlestar Galactica or Smallville. Throw in a little Firefly – and you’ve created a cast of people that say, “Oh, look, it’s someone else.” Sure, you can cut Morena Baccarin’s hair, but she will always be Inara, the professional “companion” from Firefly/Serenity. That’s just who she is because she did that SO WELL. And now? Well, she’s just cashing a paycheck.
  SOLUTION: There is none. ABC fucked this one up.
   
• PROBLEM: For the past 6 weeks, they’ve talked about nothing but the “war” that is coming. The “war” to save humanity. And trying to find out the “V’s” “secret agenda”. And all it has been is discussions in back rooms of churches (?!) and cell phone calls.
  SOLUTION: SHUT THE FUCK UP and FIGHT THEM ALREADY. The only reason I started watching this is because, with a big budget, and the backing of a major network, I wanted to see KICK ASS BATTLES. I wanted to see space lasers and lizards going up against the might of the US military. I wanted to see F-16s battle spaceships. I wanted to see “Band of Brothers” type storylines about how we had to take back the White House, how we lost the Mississippi, about the great battle of Chattanooga – all of it. Instead, I get 8 episodes of people telling me to be scared. Don’t tell me, show me.
   
• PROBLEM: This is about as interesting as ABC has to follow up when LOST is over. Someone really missed the programming boat on this one. Between this and FlashForward, it’s like someone took some valium, threw a dart at a board, and said, “Holy shit, we’ve got 10 more years of good shows here.” then promptly fell back asleep.
  SOLUTION: Now, I’m not saying that everything I do is fucking gold, but if anyone with half a brain looked at the season arcs of these shows (I’m including FlashForward here) someone should have said, “Ummm guys? This kinda sucks.” There’s a thought being passed around the blogs that America can’t handle sci-fi in primetime anymore. That’s an outright damned lie. America can’t handle SHITTY sci-fi in primetime anymore. We had BSG, we have LOST – Caprica kicks fucking ass. It’s a great show that isn’t getting enough buzz (currently in-between seasons right now) and it’s because it CARES about the story it’s telling. These guys running these shows now, they just don’t give a shit, and it’s clear.

Ok all – here we are. It’s the last season, so all bets are off. Sure, they continue to bring back characters we thought are gone, or at least, there are characters that we thought were gone are going to be making an appearance at some point this season (Flashback, Flash-sideways, or coming back as a smoke monster).

BUT – nothing says “this is the last season” then the untimely death of a few loved characters. Or a few hated characters. Looking at what’s ahead, and the trail of carnage left behind, let’s see if we can put a “Death Positive Percentage” to each of the main characters left – what’s indicated is the chance of that person dying before the end of the season.

A couple of notes:

• For the sake of making this easy, we’re focusing on the main characters we have grown to love/hate. New people like Lennon and Dogen – screw ‘em – they may have a lot of talking time, but they are just there to confuse/move the plot forward
• Not even the guys from the ship. Farraday, Miles, Frank – bit players. Sure, they’ll do something momentous, but if they died tomorrow, it’d be with the same reaction as Strawberry Shortcake from the boat. “Oh well.”
• Everyone starts with 2% chance of death – there’s the small chance they are just gonna blow up the island again, and kill everyone on it. I know, I know. Unlikely – but let’s face it – this is LOST

These names are in no particular order, then the order in which I thought of ‘em:

Sun One of the candidates. It’s either her, or Jin – we don’t know yet because I don’t think the writers have figured this one out yet. I’m gonna go with Sun as the Candidate, because there needs to be at least one girl in the club – and she has always had a will to live. Plus, it would becliche for her to die once she’s reunited with Jin. 20% Chance

Jin A possible candidate (see previous) – the enforcer with a heart of gold. As I’ve read elsewhere (can’t remember source) A few years alone on this island is more than any amount of marriage counseling could have done. Sun was gonna bail on him at one point, and now, he’s a kick-ass player that gets shit done on the island. A little lost now, but how tragic would it be that he gives up his life soon after them reuniting – to save Sun? Yeah, America would cry. 70% Chance





Kate Honestly, the most annoying of all the Losties. She bounces from guy-to-guy, never quite making her own way. I guess that’s what this season is all about – her trying to make her piece with Claire and Aaron, and blah blah blah. Much like the Nikki and Paulo deaths – I think there would be a cheer sweeping across America and the time zones once she bites the dust. However, Cuse and Lindelolf would probably keep her alive just to piss us off. 75% Chance

Jack A candidate. THE candidate himself. This was the first guy we saw when the show started, and everyone had the same thought… “Party of 5″ all grown-up. So, the fact that Christian and sister Claire are all wrapped up in this, he’s a major player. His death would be too jarring to the world that’s been created (Island and Sideways) – this guy can’t die. Even though the writers love to throw curveballs – this is not one they would let fly. 5% Chance

Sawyer No way. If this guy dies, then any humor left with the show dies with it. The ying to Jack’s yang – he’s the balancing force for the battle of the island. Sure, it’s been awhile since we heard him call someone “Freckles” – but he did a great Twitter-inspired 140 word review/plot outline of “Of Mice and Men” last week. That shit can not die. 5% Chance

What? Hurley die? Are you on crack? He’s the one who TALKS to the dead people. If he dies, how do we know what magic Jacob is up to now? Kill of Hurley and you lose any ability to bring other characters back from the dead. Remember, Miles only “talks” to dead people – he doesn’t SEE them… Besides, he already lost Libby and Charlie – we already feel sad for him. This guy gets to live right up to the bitter end. Hurley’s a survivor. Period. 2% Chance

Sayid The Iraqi torturer with a heart of gold. Remember when THAT was relevant? Some say this guy is already dead. Some say he’s gonna become another disciple like Claire for Smokey. Some say he was just never the same after Shannon died. Some are just tired of him in general. (count me in that last group). He’s been wandering for a purpose for too long (how come we never hear of ‘Nadia’ anymore?!) – I think his death will be some sort of ‘final act’ of him receiving forgiveness for his life. 85% Chance

Desmond Exactly WHO is Desmond. You can tell who’s a fan of Lost and who isn’t just by muttering, “Not Penny’s boat.” BOOM. Knowing looks or a glazed over expression tell you exactly who you are dealing with. Let’s just say it, Desmond can’t die. He’s somehow entwined, along with his mother and Farraday, into the mythology of the island, and represent the 3-Toed gods and Dogen’s for the next generation of protectors/destroyers of the island. He’s ethereal and eternal and just fucking cool. You kill of the cool characters, not the fucking cool characters. 5% Chance

Claire Do we even care anymore? Much like Michael/Walt – her baby has some importance to the island, but is it just some red herring to get another woman on the island? Since it’s been so long since we’ve seen her, and now that we do, we see that she’s been eating alone in the jungle with an extra helping of crazysauce – she’s kinda lost all significance. She’s become a puppet of sorts for Smokey – and whether she regains her sanity for the sake of her child… Kinda don’t care. However, she’s a mom, and you don’t kill moms on primetime TV – so it’s pretty unlikely. 20% Chance

Ben Big Bad Ben. Over and above Jacob and Smokey – the single most evil guy to ever come on the island. Hell, even Widmore isn’t up to Ben’s nastiness. Remember, Widmore sent the guys to kill his daughter, but Widmore didn’t pull the trigger. Ben – he’s killed left and right, always in the name of some higher purpose. I think this is a character that dies in the act of redemption. Kind of cliche – but really, where else has this character left to go? 80% Chance

Richard The never-aging agent of Jacob on the island. Let’s face it, he’s been around for 100 years or so (at least, that’s what we’re led to believe) – I think it’s time for this guy to retire. He has served his usefulness, Jacob is dead, and he’s a scared little kitty now. His death will be along the same lines of Juliet’s detonation of the bomb. It’s gonna happen, and we will be sad because he was a pretty kick ass character, but his number’s up. 98% Chance

Rose and Bernard Seriously people? To even consider the death of these two is like thinking about when your grandparents are going to get offed. Much like moms, you don’t kill old people unless you have a really good reason. Like they are a Nazi. Then it’s ok. Otherwise, you let them live out their life after the show is finished. Period. These two die, and you will have America just scratching their heads muttering “WTF?” 3% Chance

All character images from Lostpedia. Thanks for having the friendly reference!

Far be it from me to question any news outlet that says that the new “V” on ABC is going to kick ass — but this morning’s article in the Trib may be taking things a bit too far. It basically says that the new “V,” which I can safely report completely kicked ass (as expected), is an overarching metaphor for the Obama administration. Come on. It’s about lizard aliens that come to earth from outer space and run around with Juliette from “Lost” and, if they cast future episodes correctly, Jin and Sawyer and Daniel Farraday. Though I appreciate the Trib’s prediction that “V” will be one of the most popular shows of the season (which it will), I’m not really sure that it’ll be controversial (unless you count threads on Schad.net about the proper uses of Michael Ironside). Looking back, I guess the only similarity would be the leader Anna’s insistence on the guy from “Party of Five” to give a positive interview and paint the visitors in a positive light. Maybe that’s what struck such a note to cause this Trib article. The hands-down greatest moment in the pilot was when one of the obligatory NYC “on the street” TV reports featured two guys talking about how the Visitors arriving is “The real Independence Day” only to be corrected by the other guy who said that “Independence Day was basically a copy off of other earlier movies,” which if you think about it was referring to the original “V.” TV sci-fi remakes referencing the originals win huge points, just like the original cylons and spaceships sitting in an old museum in the pilot for the new BSG. Top marks to “V” and memo to Trib: don’t be afraid to write a column that basically just says the show is hot. No need to poke around for controversy.  It’s lizard aliens coming down from space, and the bottoms of those motherships turn into big TV screens. Sold.

These are vehicles that have the same name as a movie:

• Toyota Matrix
• Chevy Silverado
• Nissan Cube
• Subaru Baja
• Chevy Equinox
• Geo Metro
• Pontiac Grand Prix
• Toyota Highlander

These aren’t

• Buick Graduate
• Chevy Zathura
• Ford Braveheart
• Nissan Ice Storm
• Plymouth Gigli
• Honda Suspiria
• Toyota Bat 21
• Saturn Koyaanisqatsi
• Pontiac Dan In Real Life
• Subaru Anal Queens Volume 6
• Chevy Crash

Hey folks, Fred the Tuckpointer here with a quick check in from my sister Mis’ place in North Royalton.  Since my shoulder separation, Sadie decided we should be separate too, at least until I “get my act together” -  whatever that means.  Its not too bad – Mis works third shift down at the clinic, so we barely talk to each other and she gets lots more cable channels than what we get at home.  And her internet’s faster.

So Joel on this site here chimed in and wanted to get my take on Obama blowing the Olympics.   I think its awesome whenever bad things happen to the country, as long as they happen while Obama is president.  Let me explain: we all know that Obama, and everything he stands for is everything our Founding Fathers fought against.  Take the socialist medicine program Barry’s running down the pipe; in the old days, when George Washington was wounded he would call his OWN doctor, not some British appointed court quack to get it patched up.  That’s the way it was, and the way it should be.  So when the insurance companies threaten to raise everyone’s insurance rates, then that means Obama is a failure and should be impeached.  Same deal with Afghanistan – he got us in this mess we’re in over there, and now he can’t make up his mind how many troops to send over.  Whatever he ends up doing, if it doesn’t go well that means America wins in the long run.  Its important that he looks bad, no matter what.

So back to the Olympics…its no coincidence that Chicago, that dirty and corrupt city, was in bed with Obama the whole bid process.  I was rooting so hard for him to get embarrassed, and when they gave the games to Rio, it was the first of many nails into the coffin of his presidency.

And the Noble Peace prize thing…well, I think everyone knows that’s rigged.

In other news, I still can’t move my arm above my shoulder.  I work in the receiving bay at Wal-Mart, so it may be tough to do much of anything, but I can’t afford any more time off.  Maybe I’ll drop by the house on the way to work tomorrow to see if Sadie’s up for a visit.  In the meanwhile, Fred the Tuckpointer signing off.

Hey folks, Fred the Tuckpointer here with one you’ll never believe.  Last time I blogged, I was telling you all about how my neighbor Don got a letter from the crummy IRS telling him he owed big time.  I’d been seeing all these “tea parties” on TV where a bunch of people who hate President Obama get dressed up and protest being taxed.  I told Don we had to go.   At first he seemed interested, but when the day of the event came he told me he’d rather be tarred and feathered and chickened out.  Turns out Don’s got some “liberal sensitivities”.  He probably likes the Steelers, too.  While he stayed home trying to figure out a payment plan to Uncle Sam, I went to Conservapedia to get the real scoop about Tea Parties. The more I read, the more I liked the idea – back in the day, the colonists revolting from England got together, dressed up as Indians, snuck on some ships and dumped a bunch of tea into the harbor.  The lesson: Money Talks.  That got the Brits’ attention, and we proceeded to kick their ass.  200+ years later, the conservatives were going to do the same to Obama and all the shit he’s trying to run past us.   Being the patriot I am, I knew I had to do this tea party proper.

To start, I needed a costume.  Time to go old school – I decided to dress up as an Indian.  Now here’s the beauty of living in the greater Cleveland area – our baseball team mascot is also an Indian!  So I already had my costume from all of my Tribe gear.

A side note: they need to fire Wedge and Shapiro ASAP.  I can’t believe how bad they were this year.

Anyway, I pulled out the Chief Wahoo mask from 10 cent beer night and was set to go:

Sweet, huh?  And since I was going as the Chief, I figured I could call some shots.  My wife Sadie says its all racist and crap, but c’mon…its tradition!  Ol’ Chief Wahoo never hurt anyone.

I got to Public Square bright and early on the day of the party, and it was already packed.  There must have been a hundred people there!  Everyone else  had signs, but I didn’t know I was supposed to bring one.  Some lady from the Fox News truck told me to go and make a sign, so I ran over to the drug store and got some poster board and a marker.

Now here was the hard part – there was going to be TV there, and I wanted to make sure the IRS saw my sign and got the message.  So I wrote “Tuckpointers Hate Taxes” and ran out to join the crowd.  Some speakers got up on the mic and started us off with a prayer and the Pledge of Allegiance.   Then things got a little weird.

The next bunch of speakers didn’t say anything about taxes at all.  The first guy, some preacher, talked about how Obama was the AntiChrist and wanted to abort everyone’s kids.  That went on for a while.   The next lady said that Obama was from Kenya and couldn’t be president, that he was also some Muslim killer and wanted to convert me.  I figured everyone had some grievances to air, and that taxes may not come up for awhile.  Rather than sit out there listening to some dude drone on, I ducked into Johny’s for a cold one.  A few beers and some wings later I came back out – same lady was talking about Obama’s birth certificate.  I gotta hand it to her, she was prepared.  Slides and everything.  I went back in ’cause the Browns were on.

Around 5 I was pretty wasted.  I went back out to check on the party, but it seemed to be breaking up.  I asked a couple of people if they ever got around to taxes and representation, but couldn’t get a straight answer.  I decided to make my own statement.   I grabbed my sign, and ran for the F50.  It was time for my secret weapon.  I figured there wouldn’t be any ships in the lake carrying tea for me to chuck overboard, so I stopped at Sam’s on my way downtown and picked up a few cases of Lipton.  I pulled them out of the truck, threw up some, then high tailed it back.   Most everyone was gone at that point, and the Fox people were packing up.  I had once chance.  I opened a post box near the fountain and started pouring in tea.  When I saw people finally paying attention, I yelled “Give me liberty and cut taxes for the top 2%!”  Suddenly I felt this sting in my stomach and smelled burning hair.  Then I was out.

Turns out some cop tasered me.  I woke up in the paddy wagon, where he yelled at me for a while.  I had to go to jail for a little bit and call Sadie to come bail me out.  She wasn’t too happy about that, screaming that we didn’t have the money for the bail on her salary and all sorts of other crap.  That night I flipped on Fox 8, but I didn’t see myself in the segment.  I lost my Chief Wahoo mask, and didn’t even get to go back for the rest of my tea.

So…it looks like I’m on the couch for awhile.  But no worries…I know I made a difference to those 4 people who saw me and my act of defiance.  Taxes suck, and there’s no other way around it.  Next time, I’ll steer clear of Johny’s…gotta keep a level head when so much is on the line.  So till then, Fred the Tuckpointer signing off.

Tyra Banks is on the job.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with this shitstorm of a a television show, Tyra’s specialty (correction: one of her many specialties) is inventing simple words to describe a more complex concept.  Usually, this involves taking 2 key words from said concept and mashing them together, then repeating 50-75 times over the course of her hour-long show.

My new favorite? Mantrum.

To quote the wordsmith herself:

“When a man gets all upset, like a child, it’s not a tantrum.  It’s a Mantrum!” (emphasis mine).

The show then went on to show various video montages of boyfriends getting very angry at their girlfriends.  This part wasn’t so funny.  In fact, it’s not funny at all– it’s men with either profound insecurities or serious anger issues who are having a difficult and potentially dangerous time expressing themselves.  But don’t worry ladies!  When your man starts to get all smashy, it’s just a Mantrum! According to the show, the best way to deal with it is to talk to him like he’s a small child.  I’d like to hear from ONE man who doesn’t feel better when his girlfriend emasculates him in public, especially on national television.  Now, clean up the mess you made in the front yard like a big boy, and I’ll make you a peanut butter sandwich.

Hi Everybody!

My name is Molly, and I’m a new clogger to the blog!  Like that political wacko John who posted below, I have known Schadenfreude for years and am psyched to be able to contribute to the site.  Like John, I’m also interested in media criticism, and I especially like to write about feminism and representations of women in pop culture.  It gives me something to think about while I watch The View and other daytime lady talk shows, which I enjoy far more than any girl in her early 20s should.

So, it’s great to be here, everyone.  Now let’s start the Labor Day festivities.