[Ed. Note - For all of you "Twilight Saga" fans out there, we have an EXCLUSIVE. That's right, a downright thing no one else does. As many of you know, books go through many revisions before making it to the publisher. In this excerpt found on the floor after the "Twilight Panel" - Schad's own Christa found it, read it, and posted it here for you, dear Schadenfreude.net reader. It gets a little hot 'n heavy, so... get a cold drink before settling in.

Your welcome.]

After a passionate night of not lovemaking, Bella rolled over and pretended to sleep. Fully clothed. Her loins throbbed like a round Bud Light blinky button worn at a sports bar. Somehow she had landed the biggest prude at Forks High, and was so frustrated she didn’t even acknowledge Edward as he stole away to perform his nightly ritual: The Cure’s “Disintegration” on his iPod, and a very long, very intense full-body self-massage with Victoria’s Secret Limited Edition Body Twirl Shimmer Lotion.

Once she was sure he was fully immersed in “Pictures of You,” she crept out of the Cullens’ mansion and into the night, blue balled and alone. Bella knew she wanted to shed her clunky V-card. And she knew her soul mate was too busy bowing at the temple of Morrissey-style asexuality to give her the beans. But across town and through the woods in La Push, she sensed her bestie beastie Jacob could make her drool, pant, and eventually howl. It was a risk, certainly. Edward would be able to smell him on her when she returned, the Purina breath captured in her boyish tresses. She couldn’t worry about that now: She was hungry for the wolf.

Bella found Jacob in the garage, working on a dirt bike with an Abdominzer Belt cinched at his waist.

“Jake,” she sighed. A certain breathlessness she had learned from Neve Campbell after she rented Season 1 of “Party of Five” from Netflix.

“Quiet, Bella,” he said. Humor crinkles at the corners of his eyes. “I’m about 30 jiggles from unearthing another ab muscle. Then I’ll have a complete set.”

“There,” he said. “Now. What brings you to La Push? How did you shake the bloodsucker?”

Bella sighed theatrically. She shuffled her Converse low tops. She looked up at her friend with doe eyes.

“I need a favor,” she said, unzipping her navy blue hoodie.
“A big one,” she added, yanking down her Gap Boyfriend jeans.
“A hard one,” she said, finally pulling her University of Alaska Anchorage T-shirt over her head.
“A live one who won’t leave a trail of glitter on my cleavage,” she stammered, slipping out of her boxer shorts.

“Oh, Bella,” he growled, still a man. A man two years younger than her and 93 years younger than her beloved. He moved toward her. “Are you sure?”

She nodded.

At the gesture, Jacob threw his head back. His skin rippled and bucked as he spontaneously grew a coat of brown fur. His hands and feet rounded into paws. His snout erupted from his face, his tail went erect. His ears twitched. It didn’t matter to Bella which form of Jacob took her, it only mattered that he took her. She could see her friend in the animals brown eyes, and in the glistening canines, wet with saliva.

He moved toward her on all fours. Walked a circle around her, then nuzzled at her begging to be pet. At her touch, he grew bolder. Jacob was about to feel something he’d previously only experienced with stuffed animals. And once he’d done some experimental sniffing with the pack’s leader Sam. He nudged Bella down, onto the floor. He straddled her shin, then lowered himself. He shook up and down, humping her leg victoriously. Finally, he yelped. Finally.

Bella let herself out of the garage as the sun came up. She’d kicked herself free of Jacob, who had fallen asleep at her feet. “I’m still a virgin,” she thought to herself. “But sometimes when you need a favor, it’s just as satisfying to do a favor for someone else.”

“Edward will always have my heart,” she said into the morning mist. “But Jacob will always have my right shin.”

*Actually, this is complete fanfic from Christa. Believe it or not, she went to Catholic High School. Do with that info what you will.

According to industry analysts “‘New Moon’ had a stronger first six days, but ‘Eclipse’ might have more staying power.”

Stay Tuned to Schadenfreude.net for news as it breaks!

• Talk about how it will never live up to Harry Potter.



• Grow old.
• Maintain consistency by avoiding all things vampire.
• Walk the dog.
• Read a book that actually teaches you something.
• Vote.
• Explain to a teenager that Twilight is really about the impending race wars.
• Doughnuts.  Eat lots of doughnuts.
• Get irrationally angry about the whole thing.
• Anything.  Anything at all.

Ok – Adam has done a great thing to get us organic traffic from the ‘tubes, taking the hot starlet of the day, putting her name plus the words “free nude” in the title, and then writing a post about what the hell did the random visitor think he/she was going to see…

It’s great – HOWEVER – one of the drawbacks is that there are these women who I have NO CLUE who she is.

Case in point – Kristen Stewart. She’s getting a good amount of traffic, even a recent comment on the “Nude Gallery Kristen Stewart” page – but I still have no idea who she is. So, I, like all red-blooded men, Googled her. And I gotta be honest. She is not that special.

Like, I think Dakota Fanning may even be more hot than this chick – and that’s factoring in the disgusting factor of Dakota Fanning being 12. She reminds me of the watermelon faced girl that is in “Orphan” – that stupid “The Omen” rip-off movie about a female Damien. This chick reminds me of the little girl playing Damie- woops. The aforementioned orphan. Just… not hot.

Now, based off of Google – I take it she has something to do with the “Twilight” tween-vampire movie. Now, I’ve never seen that (personally, I like my vampires a little more kick-ass, like in “Blade” or “30 Days of Night”) – and I never will – so I hope she plans on retiring after all the Tweens/Moms in America see the Twilight series, and then move on to hating each other through their high school years.

So, readers, am I wrong? Is there a little bit of hot somewhere in there? Do you now find Googlers who are looking for pictures of this woman nude as disgusting as I do (seriously, I think this borders on child porn)? Vote now, or forever hold your peace.

Twilight’s Kristen Stewart appears nude in her upcoming movie, seen here in a shower scene. As you can see it’s a pretty steamy scene. Stewart plays a Catholic School Cheerleader who’s been very naughty…

Schadenfriends, please forgive me for the exploitative subject line and first line that will appear in any Google search. I just get a kick out of the fact that I did the same thing a year ago with Bond Girl Gemma Arterton, and to this day when I check the sites stats, that post is usually the most active, which makes me smile, and isn’t entertaining me what it’s all about?

Newcomers who’ve come to Schadenfreude.net lured by my ruse, please, check out the site, our most popular tags are bits, pictures of Miles, and updates on Rush.