Elton John Performed at Rush Limbaugh’s Fourth Wedding.

In other news, Israeli president Shimon Peres will ever so slowly suck on a pork sausage for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, while the Iranian president gently bites his own lower lip, and, closer to home, a Cubs fan named Mike will cuddle with and console a Sox fan, Jack, for his team being as bad as the Cubs. Mike will probably also feed Jack ice cream with a spoon.

A proper baseball uniform

Today is Major League Baseball’s Opening Day and if you’re anything like me, Schadenfreude.net Reader, you hate baseball because it’s boring and not football.  I figured the least I could do was offer you a survival guide to help you make it through opening day and the rest of the way too long baseball season.

• When people say “opening day” look at them quizzically and say, “Don’t you just mean Monday?”
• If you are asked who your favorite baseball team is reply, “I don’t need an excuse for a three-hour nap.”
• Tell people you’ll start watching baseball when players stop wearing pajamas and start wearing baseball uniforms.  (Nothing pisses off sports fans more than talking about uniforms.)
• Remember that if you make it through opening day, you can ignore the sport until the end of September and you won’t have missed a thing.
• In case you happen to like games that mean something, the NHL and NBA playoffs happen in early summer.
• If you find yourself in a situation where everyone is talking about baseball and you can’t leave the room or you have forgotten your killing spoons, it’s always a good move to make a “wait ‘til next year” joke about the Cubs.
  
  
  

  Pajamas

• Don’t turn down tickets to a baseball game.  There’s nothing better than a sunny day in an oversized beer garden.  Don’t let baseball ruin that opportunity.
• Find a room full of baseball fans, mention steroids and statistics and sit back and watch their brains explode.
• Implement a new baseball style training regime where you run 90 feet and then stand around for ten minutes then run 90 feet and stand around for ten minutes.
• Spend all the extra time you get back from not watching or following baseball to become an expert with killing spoons.

* Either Dodger fans are total assholes, or being yelled at is merely the plight of wearing the opposition cap in a stadium looking at the NL Championship. Can’t confirm.

* Guys, you have the second cheapest seats in the stadium, you’re behind the foul pole, please don’t shout that the last ball was a strike. The pitcher threw it, that I can confirm, but that’s about it.

* Either irony is forbidden in Dodger’s stadium, or, again, a sympton of the pennant race. The asshole fuckfaces in front of us could not let any minor minor Dodger victory (a strike) go without pointing and yelling at a set of Cubs fans across from them. Ditto with anything the cubs did. The Cubs got a single and they booed them for only getting a single, that only losers get singles. In my only interaction with them I said “you know, you guys didn’t complain when the Dodger’s got a single.” It was like explaining soup to a caveman.

* There must be something immasculating about selling Cotton Candy. The Beer Guy seems to be able to hold his head way higher, and shout way louder.

* They flashed Vince Vaughn in a Cubs hat up on the Tv-i-tron, L.A. hasn’t reacted that way to Vince since the opening weekend numbers on Fred Claus (BOOM!)

* And finally, something that seemed to sum the whole evening up. I was standing in line to pay $10 for a beer and the janitor behind the counter looked up from sweeping stray nachos to see my Cubs hat. He holds up the broom which he was just cleaning with and yelled “SWEEEEEEEP”. That might be the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.

While we’re on the Cubs, here’s my Buck fifty (two cents adjusted for inflation). Okay, so I’m back from Los Angeles for this week’s fantabulous THEATRE ON THE LAKE!!! show (312-742-PLAY)…seriously, I dropped four hundy to come back, the least you can do is throw out $17. Anyway. This may have been hammered to death, but I had to mention it again because I was in town for literally four hours and had my beer spilled on me by an asshole Cubs fan. They ought to post them at the airport gates, “welcome to Chicago – SPLASH – who you lookin’ at, fag?”

I went to a friend’s show at Second City, which, last time I checked is not in the Wrigley Pavilion, but still, somehow, everywhere in this city there’s drunken asshole Cubs fans in every bar. So I’m waiting at the bar to order and for some reason these assholes are acting so erratic that they’re bumping against me at the bar, like, where am I going to go, further into the bar? They’ve cleared a twenty foot circle in the crowd so they can do whatever loud, violent bits they have to do, and everyone’s given them that space. I get bumped into again, so I go around the corner of the bar so they can do whatever they’re doing. Finally I get my beer but then have to walk by the traditional meathead game of “shove the other guy really hard.” and get knocked into, beer all over me. I’ve been in Chicago for four hours. Has this town always been one big BW3′s, or has it gotten worse? 

And yes, I Googled “Jock Toolbag” for the above image.