On September 22, 2004, Oceanic Airlines flight 815 departed from Kingsford Smith International Airport in Sydney, Australia, bound for Los Angeles, California.

Fave site io9 published a list of 50 questions that LOST needed to answer. Or at least should have attempted to answer before calling it quits this past Sunday. As you can see, according to io9 – LOST failed.

Hit the link to see all 50 – and whether it was answered, unanswered or they just decided to blow smoke(monster) up our ass.

After reading – how did you feel? Did you at least get the answers you needed to be “comfortable” with the end?

Tonight it all comes to an end.  Evan, Erin and Nicole will dance their final dances and tomorrow night DWTS will award one of them a trophy.  Yes, they actually have a trophy on this show.  It’s a miniature disco ball on a pedestal.  Unfortunately, I won’t be reporting on who actually wins the trophy because it doesn’t matter.  Plus, I have a life to live.

This week the dancers are dancing one “redemption dance” chosen by the judges and one freestyle dance.  The “redemption dance” is a dance that the

A trophy you can get at a garage sale.

contestants did poorly earlier in the season.  It’s also a chance for them to finally get off the Island.  The freestyle dance is exactly what it sounds like.  Unlike DWTS, I know you’re smart enough to figure out what it means.

Erin Andrews
Dance One, Samba:
The super gay judge came to her rehearsal to give her some tips for properly dancing the Samba.  These tips consisted mostly of him shouting, “Look at her ass!  Look at her ass!”  I’m not sure how that’s helpful or gay.  This show has more twists than Lost.  She was at least smart enough to wear nearly nothing on the dance floor so that I wouldn’t completely fall asleep.  I really mean pass out.  I have to get wasted to get through these shows.

Dance Two, Freestyle:
Erin and her partner decided to turn this into So You Think You Can Dance by doing a bad approximation of the interpretive dance that The Dude’s neighbor does in The Big Lebowski.  They brought in some choreographer that my wife knows and proceeded to flop around on a bed.

My score: I do not abide.

Evan Lysacek
Dance One, Viennese Waltz
The old judge gave Evan some tips at his rehearsal that actually sounded like dance tips so they were boring as hell.  He also told him to dance with his hot redhead partner like he was sexually attracted to her.  How many times have we heard this?  I don’t have this many gay jokes.
Evan danced to Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” so his partner wore a black and white dress that looked like piano keys and he “played” those piano keys several times.  The dance world lives in a different reality where literal interpretation is not cheesy and snarky Internet bloggers don’t exist.  We can only hope this alternate reality is a construct of our collective subconscious.  Actually, I hope it’s not.  Why would we do this to ourselves?

Dance Two, Freestyle:
Evan finally decided to become the editor that no one on the show has been.  He refused to do the cheesy moves his partner choreographed.  So.  Many.  Twists.  While Evan ran off to ice skate, his partner remained behind to cry.  That’s the first time he’s acted like a dude all season.  Then some dude with a bad haircut came in and gave them some new moves and apparently suggested that Evan dress like Ed Grimley.  The dance was the strangest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.  I’m pretty sure he had a seizure at some point.

Your winner.

My score: I need an alternate reality.

Nicole Scherzinger
Dance One, Rhumba:
The lady judge attended Nicole’s rehearsal and “gave her permission to be a woman.”  She was being totally serious.  I think it meant that she shouldn’t wear pants again (even though they were the sexiest pants ever).  She decided to wear a red dress.  So they danced to “Lady In Red.”  So much for the twists.

Dance Two, Freestyle:
Nicole and her partner decided to do some kind of crazy freakout where they slammed every kind of dance into one exhausting routine.  The best part was when Nicole ripped off her suit to reveal another pair of those awesome pants.  Winner.  Winner for pants.  And for cheating because she’s already a dancer.

My score: Cheater, cheater, pants on fire.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Thanks Lost!  See you in another life.

TODAY – at noon, Kate, Sandy, Justin and I will all be discussing LOST as part of the WBEZ Lunchbox Series. Topics covered include: it’s social impact, pop culture influences, and whether or not Juliet is Jack’s wife in the alterLAverse. Be sure to come on over, and join the chat – theories abound, and there’s nothing more fun than speculation. I personally guarantee an hour of fun conversation and bits regarding your (second) favorite castaways.

WBEZ – Lunchbox #11
Noon CST
Click here to join the discussion!

It’s been a long crazy road, and although we haven’t done a spot-on job of critiquing every moment, we have done our fair share of pokes, jabs and OMGs here on Schadenfreude.

I think we’re all ready to see how this wraps up in the final 2.5 hours. I think we’re finally ready to see Jack win in the end. And if you think that’s a spoiler, I remind you, this is Network Television. The good guys always win in the end. That’s what “Scarecrow and Mrs. King” taught me. You want to know what happens when the good guys don’t win in the end? You get the “Seinfeld” series finale. And no one wants that.

This is my list of the top 10 Lost moments in the history of the show. Emphasis on the MY. These are the moments that made the most impact on my memory — some are “holy shit!” moments, some are plain old “*stunned silence*” moments, some are jump out of your seat with joy moments. And I know there are still 3 1/2 hours left to air and I’m leaving the final chapters out. But I just got kinda weepy reading some Lost stuff on EW.com, so I don’t want to wait any longer. Gimme a break, I’m a nostalgic gal and I get way too invested in this shit. Humor me!

10. Ben lets Alex die

He could have surrendered and saved her life. But our selfish friend Ben (remember when we used to call him “Henry Gale”?) called Keamy’s bluff and it didn’t pay off. The look on Ben’s face when he realizes he just caused his daughter ‘s death is just so awful. And poor Alex’s body, just lying limp like that on the ground. I was shell-shocked. Later on we find out the risk Ben took to ensure baby Alex’s survival, which makes this scene even more heart-wrenching in retrospect.

9. The map in the hatch

This was the moment that first opened my eyes to just how grand, how epic the mythology of the show was going to be from here on out. Those fleeting 5 seconds that we see the blacklit Dharma station map were OFF THE HOOK! “WTF is that question mark????” This was before DVR and Hulu, so I actually had to search fan sites to find the image. FAN SITES! Wow…so 2006.

8. The starting of the Dharma van

One of the first (and only) moments in Lost where something super awesome and fun happens. Watching Charlie, Hurley, Jin and Sawyer ride around and around in that van, you’d think they were four 10-year-olds on the Tilt-A-Whirl at Great America. A moment of pure triumph and joy, with “Shambala” playing in the background — our heroes finally got to forget their troubles and just have fun.

7. Juliet falls

After all that Juliet and Sawyer went through — several failed relationships, initially hating each other, then falling in love over the 3 years in Dharmaville — we were all rooting for them to be the couple that made it to the end and lived happily ever after. But this is LOST, so of course they had to pull her down a well by magnets and chains. Thanks a lot, LOST! That final scene where Sawyer is holding her by the wrist as she dangles to her death, and he says, “I’m not gonna let you go!” OMG. *heart melts into a pool of tears!*

6. Ben in J. Crew and the first glimpse of ”New Otherton”

Another WTF moment: The first time we see where The Others live! And we learn they live surprisingly well for a bunch of dirty, bearded ragamuffins! In fact, they dress in khakis and well-pressed cotton shirts, live in cute little suburban homes with white picket fences, and they bake muffins for their book clubs! In this moment we learned that there was so much more to The Others than we ever could have imagined.

5. Sun & Jin, together forever

It was particularly harsh to see Sun and Jin die after a whole season apart, and after just being reunited in the previous episode. But the way that they died was particularly tragic and beautiful. We’ve been with this couple through so much change (remember when Jin was a total asshole and almost killed Michael over that watch?) — we watched them grow together, conceive a child, search for each other for literally YEARS. And when they finally found each other, Jin vowed to never be apart again. And Jin kept his promise. WAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

4. Locke in the coffin

For an ENTIRE YEAR we speculated, “Who’s in the coffin? Those bastards cut away from the finale without showing us who’s in the coffin! For the love of Christ, just TELL US WHO’S IN THE DAMN COFFIN!!!” Everyone had their own opinion on who was in the coffin — Ben? Michael? Vincent???  The producers shot 3 or 4 different variations of the coffin scene with different characters in the coffin, just to throw off the spoiler-people. And when we found out it was Locke, *COLLECTIVE GASP*!!! WTF??? If Locke is dead, how is Jack going to get everyone back to the island to fulfill their destiny??? Ben said, “We have to take him too.” WHAAAA??? Loved it. Classic Lost.

3. Penny picks up Desmond’s call from the freighter

Another OMFG moment. He told her to answer the phone in the future on this very date! And he got Sayid (is there anything he can’t do? Oh yeah, throw a bomb and slam the sub door. Damn it, Sayid!) to fix that phone on the freighter so he could make the international call, without a calling card! And after about 30 rings, she answered! And then his brain didn’t explode! YAAAAYY!!! *sniff, sniff* This is one of the top romantic TV moments of all time. *sigh*

2. The light in the hatch

The light. That brilliant, beautiful light shining from The Hatch. After all of the struggle Locke went through to figure out why the hell he was brought to the island, WTF that metal shit was in the ground, and what does it all mean….FLICK! A light. A sign. He’s supposed to be there. He IS there for a reason. It’s the first “light” in a long series of lights throughout the entire show that have real significance.

1. “Not Penny’s Boat”

It’s a phrase that will bring an audible reaction from every true Lost fan: “Not Penny’s Boat”, the haunting and cryptic message written on Charlie’s hand as he gave up his life to save them all. Many fans complain that they didn’t understand why Charlie didn’t try to swim out of the hole that Mikhail blew up. It’s simple: Charlie knew that he was doomed and it was just a matter of time. This way, he got to end his life on his own terms; saving Desmond in the process so he can save everyone else, especially Claire and Aaron. And the final bit of heroism, to warn Desmond that the boat they thought would save them all was not what it seemed to be, was another major turning point in the epic story. Just a few notes of that chilling “Life and Death” theme by the brilliant Michael Giacchino sends chills up my spine and tears to my eyes. I still miss ya, Charlie.

Whew! That was hard. I wanted to be clever and just do my top 8 (Get it?? Like The Numbers?? Did we ever really figure out what the numbers meant? My brain hurts.) but I just had too many to do only 8, and not enough hours in the day for my Top 42. So pipe in, Lost fans! What are your top Lost moments? And am I right? Which should be the “Top Moment From LOST”? Vote on the poll below!!

So yes. Last week we saw a few characters head into the great beyond. At least one version of them. And although it was sad to see Sun die, it was more frustrating to watch the writers throw up their hands and say, “We have no fucking clue what to do with Sayid either!” And have him grab a bomb and run to the other side of the sub in a last ditch effort of redemption.

And, it has finally, without a doubt, been revealed that Smokey is the bad guy. I remember everyone saying, “Ohhhh I think Jacob is evil, and he’s the bad guy, and the other guy, Mr. Black, Smokey, whatever is REALLY the good guy…” You know who you are. Feel kinda silly now, don’t you?

Well, as the stakes continue to rise, and we see Jack become the savior of the world, and Aaron and Ji Yeon become the “Adam and Eve” bones we saw in Season 1, I give you this fun little video:

Personally – I just like this one because it includes the secondary/dead characters. Anyone who makes a credit reference to Charlotte wins.

I have no idea what’s up with that. Personally, really stupid move. I cleared ALL my Tuesday nights in anticipation of some great LOST action, and this is what ABC does to me? Fuck you ABC. You gain nothing by putting this pause in the season. And yet there’s a new “V” tonight – well YIPEEE. Let me go right back and home and park it on my couch for one of the most boring shows you’ve shat out in a long time. (Don’t worry, I’m still gonna watch it, but under protest. LOUD protest.) All I’m saying, is that a Lizard better shoot a laser in tonight’s episode, or I’m calling jihad.

In the meantime – let this take your mind off the disappointment:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Maybe I’ll organize my butter knives in order of least rusty to most rusty…. That should take most of the night.

This show is as good as over. The premise is great, the talent moderate – however the execution…? Leaves a lot to be desired.

Here’s the problem – and how it could be fixed:

• PROBLEM: We know what the “big secret” is. We KNOW they are lizards. Even my mother, who spends her days watching FoxNEWS knows that “V” stands for “lizard”. You are REBOOTING a show from the 80s. So, producers, writers and show runners – WTF? What’s with all this fake build-up? What you are doing is wasting our time.
  SOLUTION: Get on with it. Show us the gory, lizard beauty, and let the story go from there. You can’t hype shit.
   
• PROBLEM: You move at a snail’s pace with this plot. Is there a plot? I’ve totally forgotten why I give a shit anymore. You twist things up priests (?!) and mommies and daddies that lie to their sons (?!) and super awesome terrorists that can change the whole battlefield with their super awesome guerrilla tactic brain for a war that no one even really looks like they’re fighting.
  SOLUTION: Sadly, take a page from “Glee” – they bust through storylines like they’re an 80s Broker doing Coke in the bathroom. Sure, not all of them hit, some of them are incredibly outrageous (even for Glee’s suspension of disbelief) but they don’t waste their time with every minute detail. They get it out, hash it around for an episode or two, then move on – and the whole thing is used to move the arc of the season forward. The beauty of not wasting time is that YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO HATE IT. By the time you’ve decided, they’ve gone on to something else. Show me a shiny new penny every couple of episodes.

• PROBLEM: Your romantic lead is a priest or Juliet.
  SOLUTION: Does this really need more explanation? I mean, Juliet is hot, don’t get me wrong – but she was even hotter when wrestling with Kate in the jungle in the rain. Unless she gets to go topless with Anna – the lead “V” – I’m not buying it. And a priest? Seriously? A PRIEST? What kind of sick fuck decided that this was a good idea? A priest who kills is kinda cool, but the last thing I, and I’m gonna bet most of America, wants to see is a priest “steaming up the scene” with a hot blonde. Do you think this was a PR move on behalf of the Church to take our attention away from the whole “priest molestation” thing? Just a thought.
   



• PROBLEM: All your leads are from OTHER shows. Other shows WE JUST SAW. Look at it this way – I can name most of the leads from Lost, The 4400, Battlestar Galactica or Smallville. Throw in a little Firefly – and you’ve created a cast of people that say, “Oh, look, it’s someone else.” Sure, you can cut Morena Baccarin’s hair, but she will always be Inara, the professional “companion” from Firefly/Serenity. That’s just who she is because she did that SO WELL. And now? Well, she’s just cashing a paycheck.
  SOLUTION: There is none. ABC fucked this one up.
   
• PROBLEM: For the past 6 weeks, they’ve talked about nothing but the “war” that is coming. The “war” to save humanity. And trying to find out the “V’s” “secret agenda”. And all it has been is discussions in back rooms of churches (?!) and cell phone calls.
  SOLUTION: SHUT THE FUCK UP and FIGHT THEM ALREADY. The only reason I started watching this is because, with a big budget, and the backing of a major network, I wanted to see KICK ASS BATTLES. I wanted to see space lasers and lizards going up against the might of the US military. I wanted to see F-16s battle spaceships. I wanted to see “Band of Brothers” type storylines about how we had to take back the White House, how we lost the Mississippi, about the great battle of Chattanooga – all of it. Instead, I get 8 episodes of people telling me to be scared. Don’t tell me, show me.
   
• PROBLEM: This is about as interesting as ABC has to follow up when LOST is over. Someone really missed the programming boat on this one. Between this and FlashForward, it’s like someone took some valium, threw a dart at a board, and said, “Holy shit, we’ve got 10 more years of good shows here.” then promptly fell back asleep.
  SOLUTION: Now, I’m not saying that everything I do is fucking gold, but if anyone with half a brain looked at the season arcs of these shows (I’m including FlashForward here) someone should have said, “Ummm guys? This kinda sucks.” There’s a thought being passed around the blogs that America can’t handle sci-fi in primetime anymore. That’s an outright damned lie. America can’t handle SHITTY sci-fi in primetime anymore. We had BSG, we have LOST – Caprica kicks fucking ass. It’s a great show that isn’t getting enough buzz (currently in-between seasons right now) and it’s because it CARES about the story it’s telling. These guys running these shows now, they just don’t give a shit, and it’s clear.