Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull sucks. Yes, I tried to deny it, and I don’t feel bad for having liked it so much because I was seeing it Wednesday at Midnight and Thursday at 1pm. Completely swept up in the opening weekend. I liked it better the second time, both times seeing it with people I was excited to share the experience with. But last night my Boss and L.A. Ray and Tommy P’s sister all went to go see it. I was game, after all, I liked it. But now divorced of the opening weekend hype, yeah, it’s pretty bad. But in the end I never regret creating impossible expectations, that’s the fun of Summer. In the end I watched the first three Indiana Jones movies about four or five times a piece (thank you ipod nano video), and don’t regret it for a second. I love all that opening weekend hype. But yeah, it’s all digital and greenscreen, it’s a cartoon. There’s a parts I still love, but there was no denying it last night. “Wow, this movie’s really bad.”

Sorry I would’ve published this earlier, but I was watching Indiana Jones…again, with another friend. So there’s my review, I got up this morning after seeing Indiana Jones at midnight and saw it again. It is SO great to see Indiana Jones do anything, and he does a lot in this one. In my farthest dreams I never thought it would work out that there would even be another Indiana Jones, much less that I would be back in Chicago and seeing it with the whole Phantom Menace crew. But the big news isn’t just that there’s a sequel to my favorite movie of all time, the big news is that I killed at the movie last night. I kept the back row of the AMC 21 laughing quite a bit, but because it’s a spoiler laden rant. Meet me after the jump, and if you haven’t seen it, don’t read this. I enjoyed this movie much more than people who had read the plot beforehand. So, here’s the big spoiler, again, if you haven’t seen the movie, abort mission. 

***The Crystal Skull is an Incan Artifact, the Incans, it turns out, were visited by aliens thousands of years ago, at the end of the movie some very alien stuff happens***

People were really shocked that Indiana Jones dipped that far into sci-fi, and the audience was that sort of Phantom Menace oddly silent. I think just like with Star Wars, people forget exactly what the first three movies were. So to break the tension and defend every bold choice in the movie I stand up and start ranting:

Aliens!? You’ve got to be kidding me. ALIENS! In a SPIELBERG movie!? That’s where I draw the line. Now he’s out of control. Aliens have no place in an Indiana Jones movie! Sure I’ll accept the power of God sending ghosts out of a golden casket and melting the faces of an army, sure I’ll accept Mola Ram pulling the beating heart out of a man, or a 1,000 drop from a plane in a lifeboat, sure I’ll take a 2,000 year old Templar Knight with eternal life by drinking out of the cup of Christ, but ALIENS? Fuck that! How could Steven Spielberg forget his roots, why doesn’t he go back to Raiders, and the movie he made before that and the movie he made after that. ALIENS? ALIENS?!! From the director of Schindler’s List!! And I don’t even WANT to talk about how far George Lucas has come from his roots.

I got a lot of laughs from people that didn’t know how to put this movie in perspective and hopefully sent them out enjoying it as much as I did. Problems? Oh, yes, it has problems, but rent 20,000 BC again if you want to see a flawless masterpiece. Oh, and then after all that and a lot of laughs from the people around me. We all watched the credits play out to the end and I threw in. 

Indiana Jones, I want to talk to you about the Avengers project. 

More laughs. That’s my time, try the combo meal, you save a $1.

**Seriously – spoilers. I’m not even joking. If you want spoiler-free, go read the Sun-Times. If you want spoilers and bits, keep reading.**Adam, Sandy, Joel, Fred and I met a couple Irina Spalkos, 17 Indy’s and a couple of guys in long black trenchcoats who hide 3 pounds of Gummi Bears in the pocket. It was a Midnight Showing Extravaganza – and what is the aged fanboy’s review of the movie?

Loved it – it definitely ranks in the Top 3 of the franchise. That’s right. I’m not pissed I saw the show at Midnight, and had to be in Schaumburg by 8AM. On top of that, if anyone – ANYONE – dares say anything about the movie, and you claim that “Last Crusade” is your favorite – go screw. If you suspend your disbelief that Indy met a 5,000 year old knight, drank from the Holy Grail AND is named Henry – then you can do the same again. It’s all about cracking whips, cracking jokes and cracking Russian skulls (no pun intended).

Although yes, I did miss Sallah. I won’t do anything more to ruin it, other than tell you that the Crystal Skulls are alien skulls – and that there is a spaceship in Peru. And it takes off at the end. And Indy marries Marion. And Shia is Indy’s son. And although his name is Mutt, his REAL name is Henry Jones III.

But that’s ALL I’m going to say.