It’s safe to assume that the “Stars” in “Dancing With the Stars” now refers to the dance pros on the show.  They are easily more famous than each and every one of the stars this season.

Oh god.  Brooke Burke is back.  Why hasn’t she been fired yet?  She’s the only person worse at her job than Congress.  She’s now calling herself Brooke Burke Sharvey or something.  No one seems to care.  Everyone keeps calling her Brooke Burke.  Tom Bergeron is calling this cast the “most talked about cast ever.”  By whom?  I demand to know who was talking about these losers.  They need to be hunted down and locked in Canadian jail.

Ron Artest and Peta Murgatroyd — Cha Cha
Ron won an NBA championship with the Lakers but he’s best known for beating up fans in Detroit and ruining the best chance my Indiana Pacers ever had at winning a championship.  He will never be forgiven — especially now that he’s doing a bad Dennis Rodman impression.  His partner knows that she won’t be on the show long.

The costume department apparently can’t tell the difference between Ron and Dennis Rodman.  Thank you for completing his fantasy.  You know how old people lean forward when they walk because their backs hurt?  That’s how Ron dances.  After the only dance of the season, I’m confident that he will be going home first.  The old judge thought it was “all sizzle, no sausage.”  The gay judge used the phrase “length of bone.”  The lady judge said, “Now we know who the wild one is going to be.”  Really?  Did we not know he would be wild?  In the backstage interview, Ron wastes no time making creepy comments about Brooke Burke.  Are we sure this isn’t Dennis Rodman?

My score: I hate you, Ron Artest.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Viennese Waltz
He’s a fucking Kardashian.  His job is to chase fame wherever it isn’t.  During practice, he keeps trying to put his partner in her place because “she’s his

Nice 'stache, douche.

woman.”  Good to see that living with about fifteen women hasn’t taught him to respect them at all.  At one point he asks, “Do you feel like you’re with a man?”  She says, “I feel like I’m with a boy.”  He then stomps his feet and says, “Don’t say that!”

The gay judge thinks he’s stiff and scared.  The lady judge thinks he has potential, but she also has a crush on every male contestant.  At one point one of his 23 sisters shouts something from the audience because she can’t stand not being on camera.  The old judge was “not impressed but not depressed.”  Not one of his sisters could bother to tell him that his mustache makes him look like a pedophile?  Really?

My score: Kardouchian.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Cha Cha
The first thing she says is, “I’m not a bitch.”  If you have to say it…  She talks about her engagement and breakup with Jay Cutler but she doesn’t mention him by name.  It turns out she was on a TV show before she dated Cutler.  I thought she was famous because she dated a famous quarterback.  Go figured.  Mark spends the entire rehearsal time trying to get her to shake her ass.

I forgot.  This is the guy that always makes every routine about him.  They dress Kristin all sexy and he just kinda flails around her.  Also, her mouth is enormous.  Her mouth could swallow two Julia Roberts mouths.  The lady judge is excited by her potential.  The old judge is disappointed that she didn’t give the same energy for the performance as she did in the rehearsal clip.  The gay judge gets all sexy talky and then he actually gives her dancing notes.  Weird.

My score: Tony Romo is single.

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Viennese Waltz
She’s married to Billy Baldwin?  Why would he marry a professional wrestler?  Wait, she’s a singer?  Who?  She was in a band with a beach ball?  What?  Are we sure she’s not that professional wrestler?  When I Googled her the Internet laughed at me.  The only interesting part of her rehearsal is when she kicks her partner in the nuts.  She looks awful in rehearsal so she’ll absolutely nail this.

It is boring as hell, so she totally nailed it.  The old judge said it wasn’t the best dance he’s ever seen but it’s real close.  The gay judge loved it and then babbled in his own personal language.  The lady judge got a lady boner.  Instead of talking to Chynna and Tony, Brooke spends most of the interview promoting tomorrow’s show.

My score: I’ll be on the show next season.

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Cha Cha
She’s that southern lady who cooks everything in butter, right?  No?  Is she the lady from Chicago’s channel 5 News, Allison Rosati?  No?  I don’t think I’d recognize Rosati without shoulder pads.  Is she Drew Barrymore?  No?  I have no idea who this person is supposed to be.  Tristan is Irish and Nancy pretends to not understand what he means when he says, “Not the second but the third.”  In his brogue, “third” comes out like “turd.”  Xenophobic much, Nancy?

The gay judge wastes no time making a comment about her boobs.  He says that she’s got the moves but doesn’t believe in herself.  The lady judge picks on her for forgetting her choreography.  The old judge says it was “underwhelming.”  I’m still trying to figure out who the hell she is.

My score: Delta Burke?  Is she Delta Burke?

David Arquette and Kym Johnson —  Viennese Waltz
I know this guy!  He was married to David Schwimmer, right?  He talks about being sober and how he’s “really into being present.”  Yes, I’m also really into existence.  He says, “I’m going to do my best impression of a person doing a Viennese Waltz.”  Why not just do the Viennese Waltz?

They dance to Queen.  Kym looks great but she’s way too covered up.  The lady judge says he got lost in the dance.  She really likes him (surprise!) and tells him to relax a little.  The old judge likes that they went straight into the dance with “no mucking around at the beginning.”  The gay judge compares dancing to acting and does it without saying something sexual.  Brooke asks him, “What does little Coco think of you being on this show?”  The better question is: Why did you name your child after a monkey?

My score: I’m naming my next child Grape Ape.

Elisabetta Canales and Val Chmerkovskiy — Cha Cha
Elisabetta is famous for dating George Clooney.  She says, “Dancing With the Stars is a dream come true, to work in the U.S.”  Getting a job in the U.S. is many people’s dream right now.  Val is Maks little brother so there’s going to be an annoying subplot that Brooke can harp on all season.  They rehearsal clip focuses exclusively on Elisabetta’s hips.  Her sexy, sexy hips.

They dance to a Katy Perry song.  You know, one of the litany of terrible ones.  They start the dance in a bed which the old judge is going to hate.  You know how you see those 5 year old pageant girls that try to do adult dance moves?  That’s how Elisabetta dances.  The old judge hates everything about it.  The gay judge says, “You’re very good in bed, Elisabetta and you’re very good when handled by a man.”  The lady judge thought she was good when dancing with her partner but awful by herself.  I’m sure those comments won’t prey on her daddy issues at all.

My score: Ladies, men are the only thing that give you worth.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Viennese Waltz
I know her, too!  She’s the goalie for the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team.  They spend the entire rehearsal clip trying to make her look “girly.”  Eff that.  She’s sexy.  Athletes are sexy — especially soccer players.  I had a crush on the entire women’s soccer team when I was in college.  They’re going to keep making jokes about how strong she is, aren’t they?  As a daughter having parent, this makes me angry.

She’s a little stiff, but so am I.  The gay judge likes her musicality but tells her she needs to work on her something.  I can barely understand him.  Xenophobic much, Jeff?  The lady judge is impressed by “the body contact.”  What?  Things keep getting sexier.  The old judge likes what he saw and she just needs to be a little more fluid.  The gay judge hits on her partner.

My score: Will you be my second wife?

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Cha Cha

Made for this show.

I would say that they are trying to make him seem even gayer than he already is but I don’t think that’s possible.  I hope he’s a good dancer because he’ll be the only interesting character on this show.  Though, we don’t need to see him shout for more glitter anymore.  So help me, that better not become the “punch for America” quote of this show.

Remember that awful brown everyone wore in the ‘70s?  That’s what they are both wearing.  The lady judge says that it’s her favorite dance of the night but that he wasn’t technically sound.  The old man says there were elements of swagger and stagger but that it was fun.  The gay judge says it’s “full out outrageous fun.”  Brook asks Carson an awful question and he pulls her out of the fire by giving a fantastic answer.  He’s just good enough to keep Brooke from getting fired.

My score: Two glitter cannons.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Viennese Waltz
J.R. Is an actor on a soap opera and a war veteran who was badly burned in Iraq.  Whether he’s good or not, he’s going to be around for a while.  There isn’t an American that casts a vote for this show that won’t throw one the way of a wounded and disfigured vet.  Like most people who have been through something horrible, he’s relentlessly positive which makes us all feel stupid for bitching about our boring jobs.

He’s pretty good.  The old judge says it was just right and he was right up there with the best performances of the night.  The gay judges loves his hips but he needs a little bit of polish.  The lady judge says she was touched and she likes his confidence.  It takes confidence to pull off a burnt face every single day of your life.  Brooke asks, “Did you ever imagine when you were in Iraq that you’d end up in a ballroom dancing here?”  He responds with, “Yes, of course.”  I like this guy for calling out a stupid, stupid question.

My score: +1 for the Burke smack.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Viennese Waltz
She was inspired to do this by Kirstie Alley.  They are drinking buddies, right?  I suddenly can’t imagine that Ricki Lake and Kirstie Alley don’t hang out all the time.  I’m pretty sure they are roommates.  She is this season’s Kirstie Alley.

Have you ever taken Pepto Bismol and then thrown it up later?  That’s the color of the dress she’s wearing.  The gay judge and lady judge love her dance.  The old judge decides to get “picky, Ricki” but he likes it overall.

My score: Next week she loses her shoe.

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Cha Cha
He explains what transgender means to everyone.  If you don’t know, I hate you.  He works hard and struggles a bit with his weight and because he’s older but mostly he’s just boring.

Chaz is transgender but his partner looks like a transvestite.  Between the über-blond hair and really overdone spray tan, she looks ridiculous.  The lady judge loves it and thought he had great energy.  The old judge liked his energy, too.  That’s what they say when they don’t like it but are afraid to critique you, right?  The gay judge says that he was cuddly and cute.

My score: Boring.

The news of Kendra’s ouster is coupled with a warning that your favorite dancer will go home if you don’t vote.  Must Dancing With the Stars resort to fear-mongering?  It’s not even America week.

This week the “stars” will be performing both individual and instant dances.  For the instant dance, they will receive their song and have twenty minutes to create a routine to that song.  It has the potential to be a delicious disaster.

Chelsea Kane — Waltz
Chelsea tells her partner, Mark, that she was disappointed with what happened last week after the dance.  She doesn’t want his poor attitude about the judges “inconsistent” scoring to rub off on her.  He made it about him, which is exactly what he always does.  After their little talk he decides that he is going to make this dance all about Chelsea but that he doesn’t want to dance a Waltz that “people will want to snooze through.”

The dance opens with an overhead shot of them lying on the floor while breaking waves are projected onto the floor around them.  My eyelids are getting heavy.  He kisses her to bring her to life and they start dancing.  My head is nodding.  About halfway through, I’m in full snooze.  The Waltz can’t be de-snoozed.  The old judge didn’t like the story stuff, but he liked the rest.  The gay judge loved it and babbles incoherently.  You know how he do.  The lady judge said that Chelsea “earned perfection.”

Remember him? Me either.

Instant dance: “Get Busy” by Sean Paul — Salsa
I’m calling shenanigans.  They choreographed the entire dance during the week and they just have to sync it up with the music in the 20 minutes they have to rehearse.  That’s no instant dance, it’s just instant music.  While rehearsing the dance during the week, they bring in Kyle Massey from last season to wear a funny hat and declare that they will be great.  Welcome back to TV, Kyle.  Don’t get used to it.

They dress Chelsea in next to nothing and they spend the whole time just shaking it.  Mark has decided that this dance will be all about him.  He sells it just a little too much.  The old judge said, “the Waltz was cool but the Salsa was hot.”  The gay judge thought they set the bar very high, but the lady judge did not feel the connection to the music.  That’s probably the band’s fault, lady judge.

My score: It’s really about love of dance.

Hines Ward — Foxtrot
Kym informs Hines that he’s going to propose to her.  Not in real life, for the dance.  Go dry your panties, people.  Then they break out game film of Ralph Macchio dancing the Foxtrot.  Not sure how this helps, but it reminds everyone that Hines is a football player and that football and dancing are practically the same thing.

Hines must have incriminating pictures of the judges.  He looks terribly awkward for the majority of the dance, but the judges love it.  The gay judge goes crazy and lady judge likes it because he danced like a dude — whatever that means.  The old judge gives him a small note about his feet but otherwise loves it.  It’s the same thing every week.  I can’t stay mad at them because it just means that I get to see more of Kym in skimpy outfits.

Instant dance: “Chantilly Lace” by The Big Bopper — The Jive
Hines gets frustrated because he usually relies on the music to learn the choreography.  If each of the performers rely so much on the music to learn the dance, why don’t we ever hear music during the rehearsal segments?

This seems like one song that the band could really nail until they get to the improvised banter in the middle of the song.  Then it becomes comically bad.  I guess not having the music wasn’t that hard after all.  He nailed the dance.  The gay judge said he danced a bit like a penguin but the lady judge thought that he did an amazing job because she’s in love with him.  The crowd turns on the gay judge after he gives them an eight.  It’s gettin’ rowdy in the ballroom.

My score: Get ready for a ballroom slap fight.

Romeo — Tango
Romeo and his partner decide that they have to take this seriously.  That’s always a recipe for disaster — especially with children this age.

Romeo’s partner wore a red vinyl dress reminiscent of something worn in The Matrix.  Her strategy was to make the ballroom so dark that the judges couldn’t actually see them dance.  The lady judge loved it and called it “one of your best routines ever.”  The old judge told him that he “stepped up his game.”  The gay judge said that “he danced like a real man out there.”  Yes, a real annoying man.  During the interview, Romeo said that “this competition is just like life.”  Indeed, they are both terrible.

Instant dance: “Tequila” by The Champs — Salsa
He claims that he can dance to any song the DJ plays in the club so he should be able to handle the instant dance.  A little overconfidence never hurt anyone, right?  His partner takes him to a salsa club and tells him to ask someone to dance and lead her through the salsa.  He does his macho thing and I black out from anger.

He tries to hard to shake his hips but he just can’t pull it off.  Luckily, his partner has decided to feature herself instead of actually making him dance.  The lady judge thought they were a little off.  The old judge liked it because “they danced.”  Indeed.  The gay judge tried to say fluidity without sounding drunk.  During his post-dance interview, Romeo claims that he was celebrating his new movie with that dance.  That’s got to be the final straw, right America?

My score: SEND.  HIM.  HOME.

Ralph Macchio — Viennese Waltz
Old man Ralph’s body finally starts to break down.  He goes to the doctor to get an MRI.  He has no muscle, tendon or ligament damage, but he ruptured a cyst in his knee.  The doctor tells him he can keep dancing.  When he gets back into the practice room he immediately goes down with more pain in his knee.  They are only able to work in nine hours of practice.  Cue the sad tuba music.

Ralph’s partner’s strategy is to fill the whole studio with fog so the judges can’t see them dance and then distract the rest of us by wearing a see through dress.  To his credit, he doesn’t looks like his knee hurts at all.  There is pain in this dojo, you’re just not allowed to show it.  After the dance, he limps over to be judges.  The judges are kind and the lady judge tells him that he has inspired people again — just like he did in Karate Kid.  Does that mean Romeo will sweep the leg in the instant dance?

Instant dance: “Stuck In the Middle” by Stealers Wheel — Cha Cha

I am broken.

We get to see more of Ralph with his injured leg propped up.  They just sit on the couch and talk about what they will do for their dance.  This is riveting television folks.

Ralph begins the dance by sitting on the steps.  When his partner gets up and starts dancing, he points to his knee.  She does the Mr. Miyagi rub the hands together thing to heal his knee and then he gets up and dances to the lamest version of “Stuck In the Middle” I’ve ever heard.  All of the judges admire his courage but they basically tell him that it wasn’t enough.  Somehow, I think he’ll earn enough audience votes to give him another chance.  America loves a comeback.

My score: Don’t say goodbye, Daniel-san.

Kirstie Alley — Argentine Tango
At this point, I’m absolutely positive that Kirstie and her partner know that the show is quickly becoming the most boring season yet.  They turn on the drama.  Kirstie falls about fifty times and her partner finally stops the rehearsal because she’s not eating enough and she’s running out of gas.

Again, I don’t get it.  She never really dances.  She just poses and relies on her performance skills.  The gay judge calls it “the ultimate seduction.”  The lady judge felt like she was watching real life playing out in front of her.  She does realize that this is real and that these are real people, right?

Instant dance: “Cobrastyle” by Teddybears — Salsa
Her partner has a breakdown during rehearsal and throws his mic because she’s just as absent-minded as she has always been.  Mmm, the sweet taste of  manufactured drama.  Now with fewer calories!

In classic Kirstie style, she looks completely lost the whole time and can’t stick with the rhythm.  After the dance, you hear her apologize to her partner.  The gay judge tells her that they lost sync and then apparently drops some dirty words as his audio is dropped.  Oh, those foreigners.  The lady judge likes it and says that is was slow and basic.  The old judge likes it because he thought it was “oily.”  Gross.  I’m going to go vomit on my shoes.

My score: Real life is disgusting.

Chris Jericho went home last week.  They tried to call it a shocker but who the hell else was going to go home?  Everyone else was better than him.

They don’t have a special name for this week, they are just bringing in three “ballroom legends.”  Since no one knows the names of any ballroom legends, I guess we’ll just have to take their word for it.  Plus, the stars will be doing both individual and team dances this week.  They’ve even dressed them up in team colors.

We are introduced to the “ballroom legend” who will be our fourth judge tonight.  We see some grainy video of him in his dancing days and they tout his credentials.  Instead of an introduction, it feels like they’re trying to convince us.

Team Chelsea — Cha Cha
Chelsea and Hines are designated as team captains and they get to choose teams, kickball style.  Chelsea chooses Romeo and Ralph.  Since Ralph hasn’t yet done the Cha Cha, Romeo and Chelsea try to give him tips while the pros work on choreography.  Eventually, they simply take turns threatening each other.

Team Chelsea is dressed in all black and they are clearly playing up their youth.  They dance to “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga.  After the dance, Karina — who will soon appear in Playboy — fixes her top like she’s worried that her boob has popped out.  Like it matters.  Millions of people will see her boobs soon enough.  The gay judge thought they weren’t in sync.  The “legend” judge said, “I’ll buy it” which means absolutely nothing.  Way to take a stand, Dance Legend.

My score: Even “legends” can waffle.

Team Hines — Cha Cha
Hines chooses Kirstie and Kendra for his team.  The pros spend time working on choreography while the stars practice shaking their butts.  When they split of to work on their individual dances, Kirstie and her partner fall way behind the rest of the team.  Guys, this could be a total disaster.  Could this be

Your fearless team leader.

the first time all six dancers crash at the same time?  I think so.  Why would these practice clips lead us astray?

They dance to “We Are Who We Are” by Ke$ha.  It’s a terrible choice for so many reasons, the least of which is that the band has no idea how to play the song.  Hines screwed up by not choosing any pro women for his team.  It’s the ladies that make the dance look good.  The old judge makes another boob joke.  He knows that’s seriously creepy, right?

Both teams end up with identical scores.  Why did we do this again?

My score: At least Osama bin Laden is dead.

While the stars change into different outfits, they bring out undefeated latin dance pros to show everyone how it’s really done.  You know how your soul shares absolutely nothing in common with broccoli?  Well, your soul and broccoli have more in common than the stars’ dances have with this pro dance.  Why would they deliberately show us that we’re watching awful dancing?

We are also introduced to Luca Baricchi and Shirley Ballas.  They are dance pros who will be helping the stars with their routines this week.  Shirley Ballas also happens to be the mother of Chelsea Kane’s partner.

Chelsea Kane — Paso Doble
Chelsea’s partner explains to her that she is the cape of the bullfighter for this dance.  Shirley Ballas adds her insight by getting in Chelsea’s face for the entire practice session.  She even head-butts Chelsea in that loving mother kind of way.  Her point is that Chelsea needs to stop smiling.

Chelsea dances like she’s still reeling from the head-butt.  The old judge is confused.  Not because he’s old but because he wasn’t sure what the dance was supposed to be.  The gay judge loved it because it was creative.  The lady judge loved the modern spin on the dance.  The “legend” judge didn’t really like it and called it “Hell’s Angels.”  Is Andy Kaufman writing for the judges?

My score: Popsicle, tires, meat.

Kendra Wilkinson — Tango
Kendra’s partner decides to make the choreography hard for her.  She immediately loses all confidence in herself.  Sure, there’s not much to lose, but now it’s completely gone.  When Luca Baricchi comes in to help her with the dance, his advice is simply an excuse to feel her up.  Feeling comfortable again, she has a breakthrough.

The lady judge clearly still feels guilty about the “afraid of elegance” comment and says that she is “so proud of her.”  The “legend” judge thought she did a great job with tough choreography.  The old judge refrains from making a boob joke.  They must have warned him at the break.  As if to remind us that she’s still the worst co-host on TV, Brooke cuts Kendra and her partner off in mid-sentence during the post-dance interview.  At least she’s consistent.

My score: I’m also more comfortable when I’m being felt up.

Kirstie Alley — Jive
Shirley Ballas comes in to help Kirstie practice.  Kirstie loves her and I’m sure we’ll see them having tea together soon.  Once Shirley leaves, Maks really turns on the asshole.  Eventually, Kirstie breaks down.  She even carefully throws a plant across the floor to express both her anger and concern about plant life.

They do a bit where they act like they can’t dance and then she kisses him and they start to dance for real.  The problem is that her partner is the only one who decides to dance for real.  The lady judge puts on her disappointed mommy voice and the old judge could “find very little to commend it.”  Even the gay judge was bored.  The “legend” judge loves it.  The scores range from six to nine and everyone looks confused.

My score: All of them!

Ralph Macchio — Quickstep
Ralph spends the entire practice package complaining about how much pain he’s in.  Suck it up, old man.  Pain does not exist in this Dojo.

Not in my Dojo.

They dress up as gangsters from the prohibition era and it immediately feels like the kind of dance Ralph can nail.  The “legend” judge makes a creepy sex reference that I didn’t really follow and the gay judge manages to stay seated for his entire assessment.  The lady judge gives him a ten and I’ve stopped trying to pretend that they even speak English at all.

My score: Ocho.

Hines Ward — Tango
Luca Baricchi comes in to help Hines with his character.  Basically, his advice always boils down to feeling the girl up.  Baricchi clearly became a dancer for the sex.  They continue to practice and then former Steeler Jerome Bettis comes in to watch him practice.  I’m not sure how someone who was once called “The Bus” could have any real insight on dancing but he sits and watches anyway.

Kym’s dress exposes her entire right side and seems to be held together by a single rose at the hip.  I was doing my best to burn that rose off with my mind the entire dance.  The old judge says the dance was “sharp and crisp like a pickle.”  The gay judge calls him a “panther on the prowl.”  The lady judge says “command” a lot.  The “legend” judge says that Hines “dances from his heart but uses his head.”  It’s like they watched an overwritten porn flick.

My score: Is behind the green door.

Romeo — Samba
Romeo is now so cocky that he wants to incorporate his own dance moves.  His partner is smart enough to veto that idea.  When Shirley comes in to help him learn the dance, Romeo immediately takes the chance to feel her up.  It’s become the theme of the night.  They spend the rest of the time “shaking it.”

Maybe Romeo shouldn’t have spent all that time copping a feel because he looks stiff.  The “legend” judge commends him on his progress but says that he “may have a party in his pants, but he has an earthquake in his shoes.”  Zing!  The old judge just complains about the campfire prop.  When the “legend” judge holds up the wrong number paddle to show his score, Brooke is forced to do math in her head and everything comes to a screeching halt.

My score: Math is hard.

It’s fitting that the Czech went home after America Week.  You can always count on America for some good old fashioned xenophobia.

It’s Guilty Pleasure Night.  I’d make some joke about how this is my guilty pleasure every week but I don’t feel guilty for making fun of these idiots nor do I take any pleasure from this show.

Once Tom Bergeron announces that it’s Guilty Pleasure Night he immediately throws it to Hanson.  Yes, Hanson, the band of formerly little kids.  They’re all grown up now and they play “MMMBop” with disdain.  Like we’re supposed to appreciate the deep tracks from Middle of Nowhere or something.  Go join Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” pity party, you little jerks.

Kirstie Alley — Samba
She’ll be dancing to “Hit Me Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears.  This week Kirstie’s partner starts pulling out his regular asshole routine.  She stands up to him and finally breaks out of her “I feel sorry for myself” slump.  Slump implies that there has been a time when she hasn’t felt sorry for herself.  I should have written “life.”

When they come back from the break, Hanson is playing Lionel Richie’s “Hello.”  This doesn’t smack of desperation at all.

A poop colored dress is exactly what I expected for a dance to a Britney Spears song.  If only she’d shaved her head to go with it.  When the gay judge stands up and wiggles around and says something ridiculous, the people in the crowd behind him seem to be legitimately surprised and delighted by his behavior.  He does this every week after every dance.  Are these people goldfish?

My score: Score for what?

Chris Jericho — Tango
When Chris is given “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey he looks surprised.  If the stars aren’t choosing their own guilty pleasure songs, that means Dancing With the Stars is dictating to us what is a guilty pleasure.  I’m sorry, Dancing With the Stars, but your pop culture credibility disappeared with last week’s Amercia Week — if not with Season 2.  While I’m ranting about DWTS being the arbiter of pop culture, they reveal that Chris is also in a rock band.  Absolutely no one is shocked by this.

If they really wanted to make this a true guilty pleasure, they would have brought in the Glee kids to sing the song.  “Guilty pleasure” implies that the song is terrible and there’s nothing worse than Glee.  Except Wendy Williams.

Tango must mean slow motion.  In fact, the dance was so strange that even the pro looked awkward for most of the dance.

My score: Chris broke dancing.

Romeo — Waltz
This time, we return from the commercial break to Hanson playing “Achy Breaky Heart.”  I thought the stars were sad for agreeing to do this show.

Stop bothering me.

Romeo will be dancing to “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion.  He claims that Titanic made him the romantic that he his today.  I’d say that his buddies will give him hell for saying that on TV, but he’s the kind of guy who pays his friends to constantly tell him he’s cool.  He’s shooting for 10s and he tells Hines Ward to “move over, there’s a new MVP.”

As the familiar strains of the pan flute opening fill the ballroom, the smoke machine kicks into high gear and Romeo puts on his best “romantic” face.  My wife sums it up perfectly when she says, “He bothers me.”  At the end of the dance he forcefully kisses his partner.  I can imagine it’s not the first time in his life that has happened.  The lady judge calls his dance “magical” which means he’s getting a 10.  The old judge likes it and the gay judge makes some barely understandable pun and everyone chuckles like they understand.  During the interview Romeo gets a reluctant Brooke to give him a kiss as well.  It all feels like a prelude to date rape.

My score: Can we arrest him?

Chelsea Kane — Quickstep
Chelsea is assigned “Walking On Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves.  Wow.  Once you’ve been Disneyed you aren’t easily un-Disneyed.  Her partner challenges her to bring out her competitive spirit but she claims to have none.  She also reveals that she was a cheerleader.  How did we not know this scandalous piece of information before?  Oh wait, we’d already guessed as much.  When her partner asks her if she wants to be the best, she can’t answer him so he starts a water fight.  There is nothing more competitive than a water fight.

There is a moment of tension before the dance when they reveal that Chelsea’s partner sprained his ankle in the dress rehearsal.  He dances anyway.  They come out in 50s inspired schoolboy/girl garb.  The old judge likes it and the lady judge calls it “magic” again.  The crazy gay judge is becoming background noise to me at this point.  Instead of letting Brooke talk, they show the clip of his partner twisting his ankle.  Good move.  I’d rather watch someone get injured than listen to Brooke Burke.  For the second dance in a row, the lady judge gives out a 10.  She’s totally overcompensating for making Kendra feel like a slut.

My score: Be a man, Chelsea.

Kendra Wilkinson — Samba
Kendra gets “Livin’ la Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin.  They make a big deal about how she’s going to shake it during the dance.  If the rehearsal is any indication, this dance consists entirely of shaking it.  The producers need to stop making the stars talk trash at the end of their clips.  You believe it from Chris and Romeo, but Kendra and Chelsea just can’t pull it off.

She comes out in a tiny, tiny yellow dress and ends up shaking it on the judges’ table at the end of the dance.  All of the judges are completely flustered — especially the lady judge.  The old and gay judge love it.  The gay judge even asks for a lap dance.  How is this less offensive than the lady judge’s “afraid of elegance” comment?  In retaliation, they show Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing” video in which the gay judge was a dancer.  An even gayer dancer than he is a judge.  I’m pretty sure he was wearing a thong as some point.

My score: Profound confusion.

Hines Ward — Viennese Waltz
Hines’s guilty pleasure song is “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men.  His partner wants to show his romantic side so we see a number of clips of him bumping her head into a wall and hitting her in the face a few times.  That way, we’ll be shocked when he’s actually graceful on the dance floor.  Dancing With the Stars: insulting your intelligence for 12 seasons.  We also see clips of him in his apartment diagramming the dance and practicing with a pillow.  How does the world deal with such an eccentric?

Coming to a Playboy near you.

They always make the ladies wear more during the Waltz.  It’s disappointing.  Especially when it’s a boring dance.  The old judge loves boring things and this is no exception.  The gay judge does his crazy thing and for the first time ever the lady judge doesn’t drool over Hines.

My score: My mental health depends upon seeing Kym in tiny outfits.

Ralph Macchio — Paso Doble
They pick a song that fits Ralph perfectly, “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” by C&C Music Factory.  His partner — who will soon appear in Playboy — urges him to be sexy for this dance.  Instead of working on being sexy they mostly work on trying to incorporate the wax on, wax off move into the routine.

During the dance, Ralph’s partner falls down hard.  Due to the camera angles we don’t actually see the fall, only the aftermath.  They take a little while to recover but eventually they get back into it.  The judges commend them for recovering after the fall.  During the interview, we see the replay and Ralph’s ridiculously enormous coat tripped her.  I hope the cheesy jerks in the wardrobe department feel terrible about it.  She’s going to have bruises for her Playboy shoot.

My score: Nothing Photoshop can’t fix.

It seems like Sugar Ray Leonard should have gone home earlier.  Then I looked again at who went home before him.  Looks like this was just right.  Way to go, America.

Speaking of America, this week is America Week.  The dancers will be dancing to songs that pay tribute to America.  Of course, Tom Bergeron opens by saying, “So let’s bring out our stars… and stripes.”  Mercifully, they are only subjecting us to an hour and a half this week instead of the full two hours.

Ralph Macchio — Samba

Wax on, indeed.

Strangely, the cowboy outfits combined with a Brazilian dance set to southern racist rock is a nearly perfect tribute to 2011 America.  For some reason the judges just don’t like Ralph.  They must be annoyed by his likability.  The gay judge goes so far as to say, “Give me sex, man.”  He’s not even being subtle anymore.

My score: Pimping With the Stars?

Chris Jericho — Viennese Waltz
Chris is dancing to “America the Beautiful” because it’s got such a good beat.  He does a bad impression of the old judge and basically begs the old judge to give him an 8.  His partner, Cheryl, refuses to take him to a wrestling ring to loosen him up and instead insists on practicing dance.  Imagine that.

He comes out in a mock military uniform, gives a salute and then launches into the king of boring dances.  So far he’s doing everything right to curry favor with the old judge.  The old judge begins his critique by saying, “It’s America Week and I’m glad to see that Cheryl has decided to show off the Rocky Mountains.”  Creepy.  He also tells Chris that he’ll get an 8 when he deserves an 8.  The old judge gives him an 8.

My score: Everyone saw that coming, right?

Petra Nemcova — Quickstep
Is it bad that I can spell her name without looking it up?  She’s dancing to “Viva Las Vegas.”  She admits that she didn’t know who Elvis was when she was growing up because she lived in the Czech Republic and they didn’t allow any “western influences.”  She dedicates the dance to America because of all the opportunities that it has provided her.  Nice try, but your body provided you with opportunities.  America just took advantage.

I almost forgot how bad the band was.  Almost.  It took a dude trying to sing an Elvis song like Elvis.  I’ll never forget again.  The gay judge is impressed, but the other two judges are clearly trying to be as polite as possible.  Petra takes every opportunity to pimp whatever it is she’s trying to pimp.  Unfortunately, her incoherent Czech accent leaves us all guessing.

My score: Just send your donations to me.

Romeo — Foxtrot
He’s proud that he outlasted his dad on the show, but he really wants to be “number one.”  He gots to be numba one.  That’s the American spirit!  He’s dancing to “New York, New York.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone aside from Frank Sinatra sing this song and now I know why.  Only Frank can pull of these lyrics.  Try to sing “these vagabond shoes” without sounding like a douchebag.  You can’t do it.  The old judge calls Romeo “charming.”  During the interview, Romeo pulls the whole, “I’ve got a friend who was just diagnosed with cancer and I’m dedicating this dance to her because she’s watching it in the hospital right now.”  Blatant pandering is what passes for charm now?

My score: I’m calling him Pander Bear from now on.

Hines Ward — Rhumba
Hines is dancing to “Proud To Be an American” and his partner wants him to make it romantic.  Instead, they keep crashing into each other but not in that super-romantic Dave Matthews song way.

Hines also dons a mock military uniform while Kym wears a dress that has been through the shredder, though I ain’t mad at her.  Not only do the judges love him, at least two of them are in love with him.  The old guy even says it’s the best dance he’s done.  Is he falling, too?  During the interview, Brooke reveals that Hines practiced with a pillow when Kym wasn’t around.  Hines replies, “I was making pillow love.”  I knew he was hittin’ that.

My score: Shredded dress!

Kirstie Alley — Foxtrot
Really?  “American Woman”?  C’mon.  How is a song about telling an American woman to go away a tribute to America?  Do they have the Internet at Dancing With the Stars?  Due to the mishaps during her last two dances, Kirstie decides to bring in a “dance doctor” in the hopes of solving their problems.  Who is the dance doctor?  John Travolta.  You’re telling me that after Patrick Swayze, John Travolta is the next most famous dancing celebrity?

Aside from Kirstie’s strange outfit, there are no major catastrophes during this week’s dance.  The lady judges calls it her “best dance ever,” the old judge doesn’t like it because it wasn’t boring enough and the gay judge doesn’t give any notes, but he hits on both Kirstie and her partner.

My score: He actually offered them money for sex.

Kendra Wilkinson — Foxtrot

Kendra Wilkinson

Kendra was really upset about the lady judge telling her that she’s “afraid of elegance.”  Kendra said, “Carrie Ann made me feel like trash when she said I was afraid of elegance.”  Fortunately, she’s dancing to “Yankee Doodle” so she won’t have to worry about elegance at all.  Who would have guessed that a former stripper and Playboy model would struggle with being thought of as trash?

Kendra gets the honor(?) of dancing the 1000^th competitive dance on Dancing With the Stars.  She and her partner are dressed like they just jumped off an Uncle Sam poster.  At least twenty American flags died to make their outfits.  Her partner is even wearing a fake goatee.  They don’t even pretend to have taste on this show.

My score: It’s like America barfed on them.

Chelsea Kane — Samba
Chelsea will be dancing to “Party in the U.S.A.” by Miley Cyrus.  She she wants to break every rule for this dance, but her partner, Mark, decides that he finally wants to keep it traditional.  Traditional?  How are the producers going to fit in their cheesy bits?  They don’t.  Thank god.

Chelsea comes out in another Uncle Sam outfit.  How many American flags must die for this show?  I don’t know if Mark is afraid of Chelsea or what, but they never seem to dance with each other, only at each other.  The judges love it and give her high marks for her hair extensions alone.

My score: Is this what people think America is?

The loss of Wendy Williams is bittersweet.  She’s horribly annoying and a terrible dancer but she’s also really easy to make fun of.  Somehow I think I’ll survive.

This week is Classical Week.  They’ve decided to add an entire classical orchestra to cover for the worst band ever.  It doesn’t matter, this show is like a bad haircut.  No matter how you style it, it’s still terrible.

We then see clips of the pros telling the “stars” that they can’t let the orchestra take over the performance.  One of the pros calls it “the best orchestra in town.”  How many orchestras are in L.A.?  They’ve also added the dude from the song “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” so he could play his golden “rock ’n’ roll” fiddle.

Romeo — Paso Doble
We’re shown the clip of the old judge telling Romeo he took a step back last week and Romeo responds by saying, “I love when people stomp on me.  It motivates me.”  To do what?  What do you do?  His partner spends their practice time trying to get him to be passionate and aggressive.  She seems to have forgotten he has no feelings.  Instead of giving up on him (which I’m urging America to do) she takes him to the gym so we can see him play basketball.  Makes complete sense, right?

ABC insists upon giving us two hours of this show regardless of the number of dancers which means that each dance is even longer.  Plus, they have to give us a good ten seconds of the orchestra before the couples begin to dance.  The old judge gets all huffy about Romeo taking off his shirt and rambles incoherently.  The old judge has full-on Alzheimer’s, right?

My score: What’s a score?

Kendra Wilkinson — Viennese Waltz
Once Kendra discovers that the song she will be dancing to is sung in Italian, she is suddenly excited about dressing like a gangster.  You know, because Italians are all in the mafia.  I’m not being sarcastic.  That’s a fact.  Even Chef Boyardee is in the mafia.  Then she freaks out about doing tricks.  Dancing tricks, people.  Get your mind out of the gutter.

Wow.  They found a way to make it even more boring.  They added an opera singer to a slow, boring dance.  Kendra tries to hold back her tears after the dance.  I can only assume that she was bored to death, too.

My score: Stereotypes!

Sugar Ray Leonard — Viennese Walz
While talking about grace and beauty, Sugar Ray and his partner crack heads while dancing.  It’s a metaphor for their entire rehearsal process.

Just add tights.

Eventually, she takes Sugar Ray to a ballet class.  He wears tights.  This is the kind of shit that old people think is hilarious.

What, no featured oboe player?  Where’s the rock ’n’ roll oboe player when you need him?  Sugar Ray managed to look surprised through the entire dance.  He can’t believe he’s still on this show.  I can’t figure out exactly what it is, but it’s clear to me that he’s doing it wrong.  Still, he gets his highest score yet.

My score: Boxers never know when to quit.

Petra Nemcova — Paso Doble
Petra struggles to make an angry face during rehearsal.  How did she ever get to be a model?  Isn’t it their job to look pissed all the time?  I feel like the producers are trying to convince us that these “stars” can actually do something else besides suck at dancing.

They dance to that one classical song that they use for comical chase scenes.  Her partner basically throws her around the dance floor while she clods around and furrows her brow.  I know it’s the gay judge’s thing that he stands up and waves his arms and says ridiculous things.  It’s great.  I love it, but he can’t do it every single time.  It loses its effectiveness.  Plus, he’s got to be tired.

My score: Who is voting for this woman?

Ralph Macchio — Waltz
Ralph spends his practice time talking about how sexy everything needs to be.  It’s kinda creepy.  He also worries about his “creepy spatula hands.”  I don’t know what that means, either.

As soon as the band hit its first note, I felt like someone had smacked me in the face with a boring stick.  Then the dancing started and the air around me turned to boring.  Of course, the crowd goes wild after the dance and the judges love it.  I’m starting to figure this out, you clearly get points for being boring.

My score: It’s better than Ambien.

Hines Ward — Paso Doble
Hines struggles with the fact that there are no lyrics for his music.  Plus, he’s traveling around or something that is supposed to make us think he’s at a disadvantage.  How much longer before his partner makes him catch passes to prepare for the lift they are going to do?  I feel like the producers half assed it on this one.

They dance to something that sounds a lot like the X-Men theme song.  However, Kym is wearing less than what most female super heroes wear.  Its my one moment of joy in this two hour entertainment desert.  After the dance, a whole section of Hines’s teammates wave Terrible Towels and basically scare the judges into good reviews.  Why didn’t Chad Ochocinco think of that?

My score: Can Kym be everyone’s partner?  Especially Petra Nemcova’s?

Chelsea Kane — Viennese Walz

Chelsea's partner, fishing for awards.

Chelsea decides that she really wants to be pushed this week.  You know what that means.  Just boring shots of the couple practicing hard.

They dance to the theme from Harry Potter, I think.  Her partner is clearly trying to get himself an award for choreography.  He knows that he’s got a good partner so he can get away with going all So You Think You Can Dance on us.  When the old judge gets upset about all of the goofy choreography, the gay judge stands up and shouts “expelliarmus” over and over.  Can we just give the guy clown makeup and call it a day?

My score: Everyone knows what “expelliarmus” is, right?  Especially old people?

Chris Jericho — Paso Doble
Chris’s partner wants him to be arrogant and show aggression.  Instead of pulling some crazy stunt and taking him to a wrestling ring, they just show clips of him from his wrestling days.  (Does he still wrestle?)  Is it strange that he seems like the most normal star of the group?

If you’re going to make a wrestler dance, you’d make him do this dance.  He gets to throw his partner around and scowl and look as tough as anyone possibly can in gold lamé.

My score: Gold Lamé Aggression, my new favorite band.

Kirstie Alley — Waltz
I’m disappointed.  Kirstie’s partner, Maks, is known for being an asshole to his partners.  He seems to genuinely like Kirstie.  It’s no fun at all.  During practice, Kirstie suffers a hip injury but she’s determined to fight through it which means she’s faking it.

During the dance, she slides forward on the floor and one of her shoes comes off.  She struggles to put it back on and doesn’t miss a beat.  This lady is constant drama.  What will happen next week that will have all the old people talking?  She freaks out about it during the interview with Brooke “The Bad Interview Robot” Burke.

My score: Always end the show with whining.

The show opens with, “You survived the long, cold winter and now YOU DESERVE DANCING!”  No, I deserve something much, much better — especially if they’re going to make Ashely the next Bachelorette.

They introduce the “stars”:

Chelsea Kane, Wendy Williams, Hines Ward, Petra Nemcova, Romeo, Sugar Ray Leonard, Kendra Wilkinson, Ralph Macchio, Chris Jericho, Mike Catherwood and Kirstie Alley.

Time to rename the show Dancing With People.  After eleven seasons of D-list stars, it looks like they’re dropping straight to F-list stars for this season.

There is no elimination this week so I’m not even sure why they are even bothering.

Chelsea Kane — Foxtrot

They claim that she’s another Disney star.  I don’t believe them.  I think they’re asking audience members to dance at this point.  She claims to have kissed one of the Jonas Brothers.  I barely know who the Jonas Brothers are, why would I care about anyone they kissed?  Get ready for a season full of “giving 110%” and aww-shucks smiles from this one.

Why do I always forget how boring the actual dancing is?  Why do people watch this show?  These people are barely famous, the dancing is boring and the music is even worse.  I’m disappointed in you, America.

My score: Welcome back, Dancing With the Stars

Wendy Williams — Cha Cha

Wendy Williams is a talk show host, not a famous transvestite.  I’m shocked.  That’s a wig, right?  Right?!  C’mon.  This person is not real and she does

Not a transvestite?

not have a talk show.  Within thirty seconds of being introduced to her, she’s crying.  She hasn’t even broken a sweat and she’s already in tears.  I’m going to hate her more than I’ve hated any hater I’ve hated in my hate.

You know how you’re supposed to move around when you’re dancing?  Yeah, she doesn’t do that.  I’ll be shocked if the judges ever give her more than 15 points this season.

My score: 2.hate

Hines Ward — Cha Cha

I know this guy because he plays football.  You might remember him from losing this year’s Super Bowl.  What’s this?  He has more personality than Chad Ochocinco ever did.  If he can dance, he might actually be entertaining.

How do I always forget how terrible the band is?  They butchered “Club Can’t Handle Me Right Now” by Flo Rida, and yes, the club can handle you right now, Hines.  I have no idea if he is a good dancer.  I was too busy watching his partner’s ass.  However, the old judge admits that he was watching Hines’s “bum” and that it is “the tops.”  I love it when 1929 makes an appearance.

My score: I’m rooting for his partner.

Petra Nemcova — Foxtrot

Petra is a supermodel.  I don’t specifically remember her because all those Eastern European supermodels look the same to me.  Is that racist?  She reveals that she fractured her pelvis in four places when she was in the tsunami in Indonesia.  Very topical — and painful, I presume.  She dedicates her dance to the people in Japan.  Yes, a dance is exactly what they need right now.  How about you go to www.redcross.org and donate instead?

She dances like a supermodel with a broken pelvis.  What’s that like?  Good but boring.

My score: Should have played the Japan card on an elimination week.

Romeo — Cha Cha

Someone has decided to call himself Romeo?  Just Romeo?  He’s Master P’s son — that kind of explains it.  Is that enough to make you famous?  Never mind, I forgot that Kim Kardashian exists.  Also, why hasn’t she been on this show yet?  Anyway, Romeo claims he’s a rapper and actor.  He’s also going to spend the whole season hitting on his partner.  God knows America loves objectifying women.

Romeo’s goal for this week is to outscore his dad who only managed eight points.  Way to set the bar high, Romeo.  Maybe that’s why you’re not actually famous.

My score: Does he know that Romeo killed himself in the end?

Sugar Ray Leonard — Foxtrot

He is easily the most famous person on this show.  He’s a World Champion boxer and his brain still works.  How’s that for a rare combo?

They dance to “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis.  They finally found a song the band can pull off.  Can everyone dance to Huey Lewis every week?  That would never get old.  The judges love his energy and the gay judge openly hits on him.  Also, I don’t know which one is the gay judge.  It could be all of them.

My score: TKO

Kendra Wilkinson — Cha Cha

I vaguely recognize Kendra Wilkinson.  She was one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends on some reality show.  Now she has her own show or something.  I see why now.  She’s strangely charming.  I would never have guessed that she’d be leading the pack as one of the people I actually like.  Maybe that’s because she acts like a child.  Plus, her partner is the only male pro who doesn’t constantly talk about how sexy people should think he is.

I haven’t seen a Playboy in a long time, but isn’t she kind of funny looking for a Playboy Bunny?  Oh well, it adds to her charm.  She’ll go far this season.

My score: Who knew I’d like a Playboy model?

Ralph Macchio — Foxtrot

The Karate Kid.  He’s now 49.  Apparently, that’s the age you become okay with people only associating you with that one thing you did 28 years ago.  We’re going to have to endure a season’s worth of bad Karate Kid references.  I didn’t think this show could get any cheesier.

What’s this?  He’s good.  He’s going to be a crowd favorite because he’s old but still looks like a kid.  For him to go down, they’re going to have to sweep the leg.

My score: Cobra Kai

Chris Jericho — Cha Cha

The Mountain Who Dances

He’s a professional wrestler.  He claims some ridiculous number of “championships.”  Just like everyone else, he says that “he knew dancing would be hard but that it’s even harder than he thought.”  His partner is mainly concerned about his muscles because “…it doesn’t look like he has a neck.”

He’s mesmerizing to watch.  It’s not that he’s good, it’s that it’s like watching a mountain dance.  He does admit that dancing and wrestling are similar because of the choreography.  Ah HA!  Finally, proof that wrestling is fake!

My score: Hulkamania!

Mike Catherwood — Foxtrot

Mike Catherwood is Dr. Drew’s partner on the radio show “Loveline.”  That show is still on the air?  Adam Carolla isn’t doing it anymore?  What does Adam Carolla do now that Kimmel has ditched him?  Anyway, this is a guy.  His partner looks like someone put a hat on her head and then dyed the remaining exposed hair.  Are roots in this season?

Fortunately, I don’t think we’ll have to see his partner’s roots for very long.  He racked up the lowest score of the night.

My score: I’m confused.

Kirstie Alley — Cha Cha

Until tonight, I had completely forgotten about Veronica’s Closet.  I love that they listed it as one of her qualifications as a star.  I’m either going to love her or hate her like Wendy Williams could only wish to be hated.  So far, she’s funny and not nearly as whiny as I thought.

How about this?  She can dance.  How long before we get former Cheers cast members in the audience rooting for her?  There may have been Veronica’s Closet cast members in the audience tonight, but no one knew.

My score: When does Bachelor Pad start?

Do I even need to tell you that Margaret Cho was last week’s victim?  I just did.

It’s “Acoustic Week.”  Let me get this straight.  Dancing With the Stars has decided to highlight the consistently worst performer on the show?  Yes, I’m talking about the band.  Since the band is performing unplugged, I will also be writing this on my laptop unplugged.  Let’s hope my battery lasts.
They’ve revamped the studio and changed the stage from its standard rectangle to a circular stage with the audience seated all around.  In the industry we call it “in the round.”  That’s Latin for “cheap gimmick which attempts to disguise poor performers.”  As an added twist the judges will be giving two sets of scores that no one cares about.

Kurt Warner

In my future

Kurt is dancing the Rhumba — the dance of love — on his 13th wedding anniversary.  He’s uncomfortable because he’s a “Christian guy.”  I’m not sure what religion has to do with putting on a good performance, but I’m sure someone can find an out-of-context Bible verse that addresses this.

His partner decides to bring in both of their spouses to watch.  Once Kurt gets the okay from his wife, he’s ready to get sexy with his partner.  No one told me that wives trump God.  Good thing I don’t believe in either.

My score: Lightning bolt.

Brandy
She admits that she doesn’t feel sexy unless she is in love.  She hasn’t been in love for six years which means she must be married.

Instead of practicing, her partner decides to take her to a restaurant for wine, chocolate and flowers.  The three keys to the Rhumba.

Brandy is like a black hole of interesting.  When she’s on screen it’s like I’m watching two boring co-workers in the break room talking about spreadsheets.

My score: =sum(A1:A22)

Rick Fox
Rick and his partner are assigned the Argentine Tango.  They are allowed to do lifts for this dance which means that Rick will be throwing his partner around like, well, a basketball.  Let’s hope she always lands within the hoop.

He didn’t manage to throw her off the stage, but he did sport a pretty sweet mustache and a white jacket.  He’s the tallest maître d’ ever.

My score: Table for two, please.

Kyle Massey
We are subjected to Kyle and his partner actually dancing during their lead-in clip.  Imagine that.  We now know why they don’t show the couples actually dancing.  It’s boring.

I’m confused.  Are these two dating or not?  How old is his partner?  I’m not sure it’s even legal for them to be together.

My score: Can we give his partner a creepy mustache to complete the effect?

The Situation
This guy calls himself The Situation?  This guy?  He’s just some regular dude that wants to do the best he can.  How could he possibly be entertaining on a reality TV show?  I’ve yet to see him do anything outrageous.

At least he’s got a sense of humor about how terrible he is on the dance floor.

My score: Mostly confusion.

Florence Henderson
There she is.  There’s the racy and inappropriate Florence Henderson.  There’s nothing quite like seeing Florence Henderson grab a creepy dude’s ass.  That was just during rehearsal.

The dance made me want to take a shower.  Mostly so that I could clean off the vomit.

Your host.

My score: Two poked out eyes.

Jennifer Grey
Remember how Jennifer Grey’s character in Dirty Dancing was all whiny and dramatic when she was learning how to dance with Patrick Swayze’s character? (Note: I haven’t actually seen the movie)  That wasn’t a character.  She’s whiny and overly dramatic.  She’s playing it up for the cameras.  She knows this season is boring and she’s trying to add drama.  Too bad we all see right through it.

Can we just give her the trophy now and put Brooke Burke out of her misery?  When I say “put Brook Burke out of her misery” I mean shoot her and make glue out of her bones.

My score: Model glue.

Bristol Palin
The lead-in clip begins with Bristol’s partner talking about how sexy the Rhumba is and then goes on to say, “The Rhumba and Bristol have absolutely zero in common.”  Hey, she got pregnant so she must have been sexy at least once, right?  Right?!  Don’t answer that.  I know I’m wrong.

No matter what you think about her mom, at least she’s entertaining.  You’d think Bristol would have acquired at least a little of her mom’s performance ability.  Unfortunately she’s the most boring human alive.  Even Bristol’s kid was more entertaining and he hasn’t learned to conjugate verbs yet.

My score: Who put her up to this?

Audrina Patridge
Audrina closed her package by saying, “Five years ago I was answering phones at a photography studio, now I’m at the top of the leaderboard on Dancing With the Stars.”  Sorry sister, Kurt’s got you beat on the rags to riches story.  Bagging groceries to Super Bowl champ trumps phones and Dancing With the Stars every time.

I’m not saying she’s dumb, but if you use sarcasm around her you have to follow it up with, “That was a joke.”  Otherwise, she’ll think you’re serious about shooting Brooke Burke and making glue out of her bones.

My score: Dancing is hard.

As I predicted, Michael Bolton went home last week.  My wife tells me that he made the rounds on the talk shows demanding an apology from the foreign judge.  I guess the foreign one said that Bolton did “the worst jive ever.”  Which was true.  Still, it hurt Michael’s feelings and made him cry.  I guess you don’t write all those crappy love songs without being overly sensitive.  Good riddance, crybaby.

It’s “Story Night.”  I don’t know what the hell that means.  I expect it means there will be a lot more cheese.  Oh Christ, Brooke Burke is still hosting.  Do they know it’s perfectly okay to fire someone mid-season?  In fact, it’s humane.  It’s like shooting a horse with a broken leg.  It’s best for everyone.

Jennifer Grey
Jennifer and her partner have decided to tell the story of a student who is in love with his teacher.  That classic story lifted directly from the world of porn.

The dance was as awkward as the acting portion of a porno.  Jennifer Grey’s lead has just disappeared like her original nose and yet she still scores a 24 out of 30 because the judges are desperate for someone to be good.

My score: I’ve never actually watched porn.  Promise.

Florence Henderson
Florence and Corky’s story is of two lovers who are discovering their attraction and, sweet God, no one cares.  They’re dancing to that weepy song from The Sound of Music.  Not the fun one where the kids say good night or the one with all the random syllables where they run through the hills or even the one where they list the favorite things of the most boring person in the world.  They choose the lullaby.

I liked her better when she was flipping me the bird, not trying to put me to sleep.

My score: Brown paper packages tied up in string usually contain laundry.

Kurt Warner
Kurt has been assigned the Foxtrot and his story is of a person having a bad day.  Like me every Monday.  Apparently, a bad day in Kurt Warner’s world involves a grinning goofball carrying an umbrella.  This is what happens when you’ve suffered repeated concussions.

The judges gave Kurt a 23 and Brooke decided that it was the “highest score of the night.”  Except that it wasn’t.  Jennifer Grey scored a 24.  Can they fire her mid-show?  Please?

Margaret's Outfit

My score: Eleventy-five!

Margaret Cho
Her story is “party.”  You know, that old gem.  I’m not sure anyone on this show knows what a story is.

I guess the story of “party” involves wearing a dress that makes you look like a Rainbow Pop.  Also, dancing terribly.  The Internet will forever make me look like a fool for saying that she could dance in the premiere.

My score: Next time go with Dreamsicle.

Audrina Patridge
Audrina and her partner choose to act out a story of a soldier coming back from the dead to dance with his widowed wife for one last time.  That just seems cruel.  Why just this once?  What a dick.

The only way I would have liked this dance is if her partner would have come out as a zombie.  Alas, I hated this dance.  The judges loved it.  The mannequin takes the lead.

My score: When is Zombie Week?

Bristol Palin
Bristol’s partner Mark is a homeless dude and she is boring.  I don’t even know what the hell the story is supposed to be.  Then they randomly showed her giving a speech saying, “A girl who practices abstinence has no chance of getting pregnant” in perfect monotone so that you can tell she really cares.

Brooke asked Bristol why she struggles with the performance portion of the dance even though she’s a public speaker.  The correct answer is, “Because I’m terrible at both.”  Her answer was, “Wah, wah, wah, wah, boring, boring, boring.”

My score: Is this as much as we’ve come to expect from TV?

Brandy
Brandy and her partner decide to steal the story from “The Bodyguard.”  Then they argue through the entire clip even though Brandy promises not to argue.  The judges spend the entire time talking about how badly the pro treated Brandy instead of giving notes on the dance because they already know they’re going to give her eights because she’s one of the anointed ones.

I hate everything about this show.

My score: Will someone please insult Michael Bolton again?

Better than Ambien

Kyle Massey
Kyle and his partner decide to tell the story of the random couple that falls in love in a coffee shop.  Then I fell asleep.

I’m not kidding.

My score: Naps are cool.

The Situation
It’s no surprise that neither The Situation nor the Russian girl can explain their story.  It involves time travel and skimpy outfits.  Again with the porn theme.  I’m pretty sure that The Situation’s partner chose this “story” because she had a futuristic outfit she wanted to wear.  Also, her face looks like she could be The Situation’s brother.

Wow.  The band has really outdone itself tonight.  It was like the Osmonds decided to cover the Black Eyed Peas.  Only worse than you’re thinking.

My score: The future is terrible.

Rick Fox
His story is of an athlete who just blew the game for his team, so he goes to a bar and hooks up with hottie instead of hanging around the gym to practice.  Like any good teammate.

The lady judge got all slobbery over him taking his shirt off.  Does that seem unprofessional to you?

My score: Please show proper respect for the position of dance show judge.

At the top of the show we discover that we will be Hoff-less for the rest of the season.  Part of me is disappointed that the chance of this show folding in upon itself due to cheese overload has been reduced to zero.  The other part of me is watching the Bears-Packers game.

I am excited to see how they try to solve the Brooke Burke problem.  I hope it was a brain transplant.  Failing that, I expect her to be replaced by the robot from the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.

Rick Fox
Rick decides that we need to see his nasty, scarred foot so that he has a built in excuse.  Thank God I’d already finished dinner.  I can only assume this is a prelude to him crumpling to the floor in a heap.

Rick's choreographer

He did not crumple to the floor in a heap.  He did dance the Jive like he was doing his Chewbacca impression.  The judges like Chewbacca.

My score: Wwwweeerrrrgggggghhhaaannnnaaahhhhh!

Florence Henderson
She’s been assigned the Quickstep and the strangest partner ever.  She immediately reminds us that she’s 76 years old and complains about trying to remember everything.  Way to play up the stereotype.  Then she flips off the camera.  Way to bust the stereotype.  I *middle-finger* you too, Florence.

My score: Obscenities!

Brandy
Brandy has been given the pro that fights with everyone.  And yet, he doesn’t think that he’s an asshole.  Though, Brandy is not a good dancer so I can’t really blame him.

You know how people half-ass things when they think they are too cool?  Brandy half-asses things but thinks she’s dancing her ass off.  Then she stood around and waved her arms during her “solo.”

This is fixed.  The judges think there are certain people with potential and they give those people high scores regardless of their dance.  For some reason they think Brandy is good.

My score: I thought this was about talent.

Michael Bolton
He has laryngitis, no rhythm and he’s whiny.  Is there any doubt that he’ll be the next to go?  This is one of moments when I’m acutely aware that this suckatude is filling up prime time television.  This is the worst attempt at entertainment I’ve seen on TV.  When I go to see a community theater show, I expect to see something like this.  When I’m watching prime time television, I expect something that approaches actual entertainment.

Brooke Burke lived up to the terrible performance by asking, “What was the thinking behind the dog character?”  They danced to “Hound Dog.”  That was the thinking.  Is she deaf, too?

One judge gave him a three.  Three.

My score: We’re going to have to live without you.

Audrina Patridge
“I’m sacrificing everything for this show.”  What exactly is she sacrificing?  Does she have a job?  Does she have children?  Or does she mean that she’s literally performing ritual sacrifices of anything she can find?

The judges loved her dance.  I know I should think that this girl is sexy, but I don’t.  Seeing her naked would be like seeing an undressed mannequin.
Her partner pledged that he would wax his legs if the dance didn’t get all eights.  They got two eights and a seven.  This will only be interesting if they make him wear hot pants next week.

My score: Welcome to Old Navy!

Jennifer Grey
While rehearsing they reveal that Jennifer had cancer around her spine on her neck.  She plays it off like it’s no big deal because she was saving all of her drama for showing us how exhausting the Quickstep is.

This isn’t even fair.  She already knows how to dance.  She’s so far ahead of everyone else it’s not even funny.  Her choreography was so much harder than everyone else and she nailed it.  Our only hope is that all of her dramatics will turn everyone off and people won’t vote for her.

After Jennifer Grey and her partner got their scores, the crowd began booing.  Then we cut to the main, competent host interviewing Sarah Palin.  Draw your own conclusions.

My score: I carried a watermelon.

Margaret Cho
Last week everyone avoided Margaret Cho like the plague after the show.  She claims it was because everyone thought she was going home.  It was really because they didn’t want to have to look at her in that dress.  Or they just don’t like her.

I hate that I know this, but Margaret’s partner is the best instructor in the group.  He gets challenging partners and he gets the most out of them.  I take back what I said about her being able to dance.  She can’t dance.  I was fooled by those weird, flappy wing things she had last week — and I don’t mean her arms.

My score: Quit your day job, but not because you’re a good dancer.  You’re not.

Kyle Massey
Kyle Massey loves himself some Kyle Massey.  I think he’s the only one.  Oh wait, did he just make a joke about being fat?  How original and charming.  I’m sure the whole world has changed their mind on Kyle Massey now.

Every time I think the band can’t get any worse, they surprise me.  I’m not sure the singer was ever in tune — even by accident.  In fact, I’m not even sure that was an actual song.

My score: Two sides of fries.

Kurt Warner
I stand corrected.  The band just got worse again.  I believe they were attempting to play “Danger Zone.”  I’m guessing based on the fact that I think I heard the singer say (not sing, say) “danger zone.”  The band is setting new records for awful.

The problem with Kurt Warner is that once you establish yourself as boring, you are always boring.  Even at your most exciting you are completely boring.  He does realize that he doesn’t have to give canned answers to everyone he talks to like he’s giving a post-game interview, right?

I’m confused.  The judges loved his dance even though he couldn’t find the beat to save his life.

My score: Post-concussion syndrome?

Where's the douche?

The Situation
I have never seen The Jersey Shore and if this guy is the star, I can’t imagine that it’s any good.  He seems like a good kid.  A little cheesy, but a good kid.  He tries hard but he’s a terrible dancer.  Absolutely awful.  He dances like he’s on an ice rink with dress shoes.  He’s sliding and crashing into everything.

I think Dancing With the Stars is going to ask for their money back.  Where’s the outrageous guy they thought they were getting?

My score: 5.7

Bristol Palin
She takes her partner to Alaska to meet her mom.  He was about as excited to meet her as you would imagine.  Then they stared at Russia.  Are the producers going to try to squeeze Sarah Palin into every one of Bristol’s lead-ins?  That might be the only way to keep her segments interesting.

Unfortunately, Bristol isn’t a bad dancer so we’ll probably be subjected to Sarah and pregnant teens for several more weeks.  By the way, does Bristol take credit for any teenager she sees that isn’t pregnant?

My score: Birth control!