It’s clear that they are going to continue to bash us over the head with this whole he couldn’t choose thing.  They open again with him trying to convince us all that he’s a “changed man” and that he’s ready for love.  We get it, he’s going to choose someone this time.

In a strange moment at the beginning of the show, Chris comes out and explains to the women how the show works.  Is Chris even necessary anymore?  Doesn’t this show run itself?

Do we really need him?

First Date — Ashley H.
Brad whisks her away in some kind of fancy convertible (I’m not a car guy) and he eventually turns off onto this creepy dirt road in the middle of nowhere and takes her for a walk.  Are we finally going to witness our first primetime murder?  No.  There is a carnival set up just for them.  You know, one of those scary carnivals where it looks like the rides could fall apart at any moment.  Maybe we will see our first primetime death after all.

After playing the test your strength game (the one where you try to ring the bell by swinging a big hammer), they start making out like two people trying to convince themselves that they really want to be making out.

I may have misunderstood what she said because I was checking the score to the BCS Championship game, but I’m pretty sure she said her father is homeless, yet has no idea where he is.  How does she know that he’s homeless, then?  Does he text her?  Brad then talks about his absent father but no one can take this seriously while crazy clown heads loom in the background.

Because Brad always takes the easy way out, she gets the rose.

Second Date — Fifteen Girls (I know, they freaked out, too.)
Michelle spends the entire pre-date time pouting about how she has to go on a date with fourteen other girls on her 30^th birthday.  I get it.  She’s 30, this might be her last chance.  Especially if she keeps mentioning it, and she does.  Brad announces that the date will be spent making PSAs for the American Red Cross.  It’s the standard group date with scripts that are designed to make the other girls jealous.  But it’s for a good cause.

Keltie is cast as a butch girl in two arm casts and a neck brace.  To top it off, they put her in flannel and a headscarf.  Instead of owning it and taking the opportunity to impress Brad, she whines about how unsexy it is.  Does no one do their homework before they come on the show?

The first PSA is a spoof of a bad Mexican soap opera where two of the girls fight over him by taking turns kissing him.  The rest of the girls are fine with this.  Not really, I was just seeing if you’re paying attention.  They are all appropriately disgusted and Melissa — who is not in the scene — barges in and kisses him.

Chantal O. And Britt play two drunk party girls who are to make out with Brad on a bed.  Britt takes this opportunity to go to town on Brad.  The correct choice would have been for her to go to town on Chantal O.  Michelle storms out and pouts like a twelve year old.  This is what happens when the hot girl doesn’t get what she wants for once — on her birthday.

After the shoot they have a rooftop party.  Brad says it’s “the perfect environment for a fun, lighthearted evening.“  This party has just been doomed to be neither fun nor lighthearted.  The girls take their turns pulling him away for one-on-one time.  Can we start calling Brad Lake Compliment?  Every time these girls fish for a compliment, he gives them exactly what they want.

Raichel and Melissa get into some sort of drunken argument about nothing for no reason.  I can only hope it’s about the way Raichel spells her name.

Guess who gets the rose?  That’s right, Michelle.  Because it’s her birthday.  Another easy choice from the man with no spine.

Third Date — Jackie

Doormen?

Brad says, “This date is Jackie’s own Pretty Woman experience.”  Brad takes Jackie to a fancy hotel who proceeds to call the doormen “guards.”  This is just another example of the post-9/11 America we live in.  Brad ushers her into a room full of dresses and shoes for her to select from.  Of course, she chooses the worst dress possible.  To top it off, she gets jewelry.  It wouldn’t be a Pretty Woman experience without jewelry that she has to give back at the end of the date.

Once Jackie is all dolled up, they take a limo to the Hollywood Bowl.  During dinner she admits that she wasn’t popular and didn’t date much.  He gets very concerned that she’s only had two major relationships.  He sees a little of himself in her, ifyouknowwhatimean.  I mean sex.  After their deep and connection building conversation, they are serenaded by Train.  I’ve never seen him before, but the lead singer of Train is creepy looking.  He kinda looks like one of the cats from Cats.  Also, someone needs to tell him to stop writing songs about that same enigmatic girl.

Despite his concerns, she still gets the rose.  Because it’s the easy choice.

The Cocktail Party
Michelle pulls him away as soon as the cocktail party starts and asks him those inane questions that make you think that you’re getting to know someone but don’t tell you anything at all.  Like: Starbucks vs. Coffee Bean?  Why do I feel like she brought a cheat sheet to this show?

He and Emily spend about five minutes trying to out-flatter each other.  It’s quite a battle.  Emily wins but only because Brad doesn’t want to offend her by out-complimenting her.

Raichel and Melissa take the first opportunity to start screaming at each other for no reason.  I feel like they’ve lost focus.  Aren’t they here to fall in love with whoever ABC selected for them?  I’m already looking forward to After the Rose with these two.  Raichel takes solace in the fact that “Jesus still loves me.”  I’m not a big Jesus guy, but doesn’t Jesus love everyone?

Melissa immediately breaks down in front of Brad and begins to explain her pointless argument with Raichel.  Then she breaks her crying spree to apologize for her onion breath.  This is the first moment in which we get to see Brad form an opinion all by himself, and he ain’t buying it.  He then goes to find Raichel and she does the same thing.

Chris suddenly shows up and informs the girls that Ali and Roberto (from last season) will be helping Brad hand out a rose.  I’m not sure how this raises the stakes or even changes anything but I’m sure it does somehow.  They interview each of the girls.  Meanwhile, the Raichel and Melissa drama continues.  They brief Brad afterwards but we’re not allowed to hear the conversation because they can’t tarnish their golden couple by letting us hear them talk trash about the girls.  He decides to give the rose to Emily.

The Rose Ceremony
Ashley H., Michelle, Jackie and Emily already have roses and they all stand smugly off to the side.  Once again, there are still too many girls for there to be any legitimate drama.  The only question is if Raichel or Melissa is going to get a rose.  Neither of them do and we’ve officially had our first “message” rose ceremony.  Create drama, go home.  You show ‘em, Brad.  Do you care who else got roses?  No, you don’t.

In her exit interview, Melissa blames everyone else.  I can only imagine that’s a theme in her life.  Raichel tries not to cry because that would be “letting Melissa win” but she still doesn’t apologize for the spelling of her name.

My roses go to:
Brad — for sending both Raichel and Melissa home.
The Producers — for letting every single girl overdo her makeup for the rose ceremony.
Keltie — for wearing a tiara and then being surprised she was sent home.  Also, for rapping.
Lindsay — for being caught with an angry, angry look during the rose ceremony.  Also, for being a hot redhead.
Ali — for extending her bad hair streak to a record three Bachelor/Bachleorette seasons.

Welcome to the Bachelor Pad, the show that may have just enough unintentional comedy that I won’t be able to make fun of it.  Here’s how it works.  They wrangled up nineteen singles from past seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  Nineteen?  They couldn’t find one more fame whore to join the show?  In fact, there are eleven girls and eight guys.  They all live in the same house and they are forcing all of them to sleep in the same room in bunk beds.  It’s like summer camp for douchebags.

During each episode there is a contest of some sort.  The winner gets a rose and can choose three people for a date.  The winner also gets to give a rose to one of the three people on the date.  Everyone who ends up with a rose is safe from elimination.  Everyone else is fair game.  The twist is that the guys will be voting off the girls and the girls will be voting off the guys.  This concept has blown their tiny little minds.

What are they playing for?  $250,000.  Does that seem low to anyone else?

The Bachelor Pad is proving George Costanza’s theory that people will watch because it’s on TV.  Before they even explain what the show is about, they show us a bunch of clips from the upcoming episodes.  I assume that these are supposed to be interesting or shocking, but we have absolutely nothing to base our opinions on so they might as well be clips from Hell’s Kitchen.  They are reaffirming my theory that the producers of the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Pad franchise think we are stupid.

Introducing the Padders Paddites Padistanis

Instead of the Padistanis pulling up in a limo to meet the Bachelor or Bachelorette, they all come out of their limo and are greeted by Chris Harrison.  I can only assume they do this because they need to get Chris some screen time.  Honestly, why do they even have a host for these shows?  A disembodied voice would work just as well.  Also, how do I get Chris Harrison’s job?

Some highlights from the contestants:

• Tinley, from Jake’s season (I don’t know what that means), has a crush on Kiptyn (that’s actually how he spells his name).  She wants to “explore that.”
• Gwen is from season two and nobody has any idea who she is.  I think she’s in her late forties.
• The Weatherman is back and they don’t even bother to use his real name.  His graphic reads, “Weatherman.”  Thank you.
• Nikki and Juan “dated” at some point.  Another contestant claimed that he slept with her just so he’d have a place to crash.  Classy.
• Elizabeth and Jesse K seem to have some kind of relationship.  It seems very one-sided.  Elizabeth has crazy eyes for him.
• Michelle is introduced as “the crazy one” and “all kinds of drama.”
• Gia is the swimsuit model that all the guys will drool over.  She has a boyfriend.
• Craig M is the guy who made the Weatherman cry on the last season of The Bachelorette.  I’m rooting for him simply because all of the women immediately decided that he would be the first guy they voted off.

The Challenge — Enormous Twister

If you’ve watched ABC at all in the past months, you’ve already seen most of this.  It’s an excuse to get attractive people in bathing suits into compromising positions.  They know they have to sell sex and they’re selling it hard.  At least I get to look at boobies.

In what can only be a shock to the dumbest people on earth, Craig M wins the challenge. The Weatherman reacts by saying, “When Craig M won, I basically knew there was no God.”  Isn’t he a scientist? (Does a meteorologist count as a scientist?)  He should know that God doesn’t exist because there is no empirical proof, not because of Craig.  Craig now has a rose and can choose three people for his date.  Elizabeth goes on a rant about how she doesn’t ever want to go on a date with Craig, she wouldn’t have any fun with Craig, and she knows she’s not going home so she doesn’t want the safe rose.  Of course, this means that she’s going to go on the date.  If this show had any sense of storytelling, that’s what would happen.

The Date — Craig, Jesse, Gwen, Elizabeth

After the first night in the house, a rumor is started that Michelle and Craig hooked up in the middle of the night.  Michelle denies it and you see a glint of crazy in her eyes.  This glint grows stronger when Craig chooses Jesse (the girl), Gwen and Elizabeth to go on the date.  They all accept and Michelle begins to plot her revenge.

Craig and the ladies are whisked away to the beach for their date.  Unfortunately, the helicopter is nowhere to be seen.  They just hop into a limo in their bathing suits.  Does anyone else get the feeling they are going to plan dates around things that are bathing suit appropriate?

All you need to pack for The Bachelor Pad

The beach part of the date seems to simply be an excuse to see Elizabeth’s Prelude to Crazy.

After the beach, they head to the Greek Theater.  Craig is forced to pick one girl to give a rose before the date continues.  To the surprise of no one in the world besides Elizabeth, he chooses Jesse.  Elizabeth and Gwen have to go back to the house, but not before Elizabeth issues a threat to him in her solo interview.

Craig and Jesse are given a private concert by some guy who sounds like he was the rejected lead singer for Nickelback.  Both Craig and Jesse pretended they enjoyed it and danced around like idiots to the crappy song that sounds like just about every other song by any generic rock band.

Meanwhile, back at the house…

Jesse K decides he needs to talk to Elizabeth about being a couple.  He’s determined that being a couple is a bad strategy.  Being a couple isn’t a bad strategy, being involved with Elizabeth is a bad strategy.  In response, Elizabeth basically says, “Love me or I’ll get you sent home.”  She clearly subscribes to the Stockholm Syndrome school of dating.  Strangely, it seems to be working because Jesse K has no spine and isn’t smart enough to realize that he needs to get the rest of the guys to vote her off.  I think we can all agree that he deserves to go home as soon as possible.

Jesse B and Natalie are hooking up like they’ve been dating for months.  They are the only real couple in the house.  I’m pretty sure that being in a couple will be a good thing for the guys and a bad thing for the girls.  That’s assuming that these people are as dumb as I think they are.

Michelle thought that Tinley started the rumor about her and Craig hooking up, so she shut Michelle in the bathroom and berated her.  Tinley, the most delicate of delicate flowers, was reduced to tears and shouted, “I’m scared” through her sobs.  We’ve got a new crazy front-runner!  I’ll let you decide if it’s Tinley or Michelle.

Suddenly: random shot of boobies.

The Bachelor Pad Drinking Game

After one episode, I’ve already devised a drinking game that is sure to get you wasted.  This will be the only way I get through this show.

• Every time someone says, “The boys are voting off the girls off and the girls are voting off the boys.”  Take one drink.
• Every time someone says, “It’s a competition.”  Take one drink.
• Every time someone says, “If I get the rose, I’m safe.”  Take one drink.
• Every time someone says, “I’m scared.”  Finish your drink.

The Rose Ceremony

Each person votes individually in a “deliberation room” Survivor-style.  They pull a photo of the person they want to vote for out of a frame and drop it into a box to cast their vote.  I’m taking bets on who will be the first to be smart enough check the number of photos left in their own frame to see how they are doing.  My money is on Krisily.

During the voting, Michelle is dumb enough to say, “I feel confident that I’m going to stay.”  That’s why she’s the crazy one.

Michelle and Juan are voted out, but the guys have figured out that Krisily is the smart one.  She can’t be far behind.  Plus, I don’t think she’s hot enough for anyone to want to keep her around.

My roses go to…

• All of the guys — for ogling and drooling anytime Gia walks into the room.
• Dave — for accentuating the crazy in his eyes with a creepy thin beard.
• The Producers — for gratuitous cleavage and butt shots during Enormous Twister.
• The Weatherman — for correctly being pegged as easy to manipulate.
• Stephen — for staying as far away from this show as he possibly can.

I love summer. I also love TV. But if I’m going to choose staying inside and watching TV over enjoying a beautiful summer night (nights that make suffering through Chicago winters worthwhile), you better believe it’s gotta be pretty damn good TV.

Huge

ABC Family: It’s not just for pregnant teens anymore! It’s now also for sassy overweight females! Huge is my favorite new summer show. It’s about Will (an angsty teen who loves her chub) and the fat camp she’s forced to attend. She’s surrounded by other kids who look just like her, but of course that doesn’t help because when everyone’s fat, the playing field is even — though she’s still the odd-girl-out for refusing to conform to the fat camp’s ideals. She quickly bonds with several other misfits and suddenly I’m back at Olin Sang Ruby Union Institute, reliving the dramas of teen overnight camp — the cat fights, the hook-ups, the Shabbat sing-a-longs! OK, that last part didn’t make the show, though there is at least one Jewish character, sporting a Star of David around his neck (in case you didn’t pick up on his Jew-fro and penchant for songwriting.) This show is hilarious, touching, and makes me long for the days where summer was spent outdoors ALL DAY and your biggest worry was what you were going to wear to stare at a campfire.

(Part 1 of a Series that will run as long as she writes for it, Julie lets us know, what’s good, what’s great and who delivers when it comes to Summertime TV.)

Ali and her three remaining men are in Tahiti this week.  This is the week when all the guys tell Ali that they’ve fallen in love with her because it’s what you have to do at this point.  If she doesn’t know if you’re in love with her, you’re going home.  High stakes, everyone.

I want to go to there.

The show opens with shots of each man looking thoughtfully off into the distance.  We can only assume that they are thinking about getting to bone Ali on this episode.  Where is Steve Gadlin (a.k.a Chris Harrison)?  Why isn’t he opening the show by addressing the three guys from twenty yards away like usual?  I’m worried about Steve.  I hope he’s okay.

Chris’s and Roberto’s clips were completely interchangeable.  They talked about how hard they’ve fallen for Ali and how they’re worried about not being chosen.  You know, the exact same thing they’ve been talking about all season.

And then there’s Frank.

Frank has a dilemma.  He thinks that he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend.  Falling in love with Ali has made him realize that he might still be in love with his ex-girlfriend, Nicole.  He’s in love with two girls?  How is that a dilemma on this show?  Of course, Frank has to go back to Chicago and see if he’s still in love with Nicole.  There’s no talk about whether she’ll still be in love with him because he lives in the ‘50s.

In order to win back his ex-girlfriend’s heart, he decides to spend the entire time talking about how great things are between him and Ali.  She responds by saying, “It’s sickening.”  Sickening to think of him with another girl.  She still loves him, Schadenfreude.net reader.  America is saved!  Frank then explains that he has to go to Tahiti to break up with Ali and that she needs to support him on this noble quest.  Ride away, brave Frank, into the beautiful sunsets of Tahiti with another woman.

1-on-1 with Roberto
When Ali and Roberto meet, they talk about how they missed each other.  How long were they apart?  A week?  A few days?  Instead of roses, Ali should hand them notes with “Yes” or “No” boxes to check.

Helicopter!  The helicopter is back!  I love you, Helicopter.  Helicopter, will you accept this rose?  Oh, Helicopter, why won’t you whisk me off to a hart-shaped island where I can sweat heavily through my gray t-shirt.  Why didn’t anyone tell Roberto not to wear a gray t-shirt in the heat of Tahiti?  I couldn’t tell if he was sweating or in a wet t-shirt contest.

Whoever decided that it is acceptable to show footage of Ali and Roberto standing in the water for three minutes while they each take turns narrating about how awesome the date was, you need to be fired.

Before dinner, Roberto confesses to the camera (and therefore the world) that he has trouble opening up about how strong his feelings are for Ali.  Guess what Roberto, you just did.  Pretend Ali is a camera and say it to her.  It shouldn’t be hard, she has the same personality as a camera.  Then, he does it!  America is saved!  Her reaction was to not say a word.

Is there any drama left at this point?  Unless there is some sort of catastrophe, she’s going to choose Roberto.  We know Frank is breaking up with her and Chris kisses like an 11-year-old.

1-on-1 with Chris
Whoever managed to capture how awkward conversation is between Chris and Ali needs to be promoted to working on Roberto’s dates.  They’ve perfectly captured how uncomfortable they are together.  Especially when they kiss.  There is so much mashing involved.  I haven’t mashed someone’s face like that since I was blackout drunk at a college dorm party.

Ali and Chris jumped off their boat and waded over to an island where they could look for pearls.  Looking for pearls consists of violent mutilation of

A Blood Pearl

oysters.  I can only assume that these oysters were planted there for them to find.  Why would they let these two schmucks snatch up all the pearls they can find?  It seems like the island should be swarming with cutthroat captains of industry, not flip-flop wearing reality contestants.  Please, folks.  Don’t buy the blood pearls of Tahiti.

At dinner on another tiny uninhabited island, Chris continued to play the family card.  He’s convinced it’s his ace in the hole.  He knows that if it doesn’t work on Ali that it will at least get him a spot as the next Bachelor.  It’s funny that a guy who was willing to lie to her about his dead mom is now jamming his dead mom down our throats.

Does anyone turn down the fantasy suite?  If they do, do they ever get a rose at the end of the show?  It’s basically free poon.  I really wish the fantasy suite was the same suite for every guy.  Then there might actually be some reservation on Ali’s part about sleeping with three guys in the same bed.

1-on-1 with Frank
Frank arrived in Tahiti standing atop a small boat — much like Jack Sparrow arriving on his sinking ship — except Frank’s arrival is accompanied by grave narration from Frank himself, “I’m coming here to tell Ali I’m leaving because I’m in love with my ex-girlfriend.”

He then decides that he needs to talk to Chris Harrison.

Why did we need to see this?  Frank already knows why he’s here.  As far as we know, they haven’t been within 20 yards of each other all season.  How could Chris possibly provide good advice?  Chris, in his infinite wisdom, suggested that Frank tell Ali how he feels.  No shit.  Can we get the real Steve Gadlin to handle this next time?  At least he’d draw a cat or something.

My wife and I made bets on how quickly Ali’s hair will go from looking kinda crappy to really crappy.  I went with less than a minute.  It happened after their first hug which was about three seconds in.  As soon as Frank said, “We need to talk” Ali busted out the pouty face that she usually reserves for rose ceremonies.  We are then quickly treated to Ali’s pouty face morphing into a wait-a-second-I’m-the-one-supposed-to-be-doing-the-dumping-face.  How dare he think about another person while he’s dating her?  Doesn’t he know that their relationship is exclusive?

Frank’s news led to the following exchange:
Ali: “I gave up everything to be here.”
Frank: “I gave up everything, too.”
Ali: “Apparently not everything.”
ZING!
Then she threw her sandals like a child and said, “I’m going to go.  I need to deal with this somehow.”  Somehow?  Somehow?!  How will you ever make it through, Ali?  By choosing Roberto, that’s how.

Ali kept repeating that she, “…never imagined that something like this would happen.”  Really?  Didn’t you basically do the same thing to Jake?  You bailed before the show ended.  That’s just what Frank is doing.  Sure, you did it for your job and Frank’s doing it for another girl but it’s essentially the same thing.  How could you not see that Karma train coming?

Ali wondered aloud if there was something wrong with her and then asked the camera several times why Frank didn’t mention the other girl to her.  Really?  Has she really convinced herself that she wouldn’t have cut him and dealt with the 20 other guys that didn’t have unresolved feelings for an ex-girlfriend?  There is something wrong with her.

The Rose Ceremony
This isn’t canceled?  Do they think we’re stupid?  Two guys, two roses.  It’s like youth sports leagues today, no one loses!  Do they really think we’re dumb enough to believe that one of the final two might turn down a rose?

My roses go to:

• Tahiti — for making me want to be there right now.
• Nicole — for letting us in to your tiny, tiny apartment.
• Ali — for having absolutely no sense of irony, or humor.
• The Tahitian Natives — for never appearing on screen so that we can believe that no one actually inhabits the island.
• The oysters — for not screaming while being torn apart by our greedy reality show pearl hunters.

]]> http://www.schadenfreude.net/2010/07/20/the-bachelorette-a-review-episode-9.php/feed 4 http://www.schadenfreude.net/2010/07/06/the-bachelorette-episode-7-a-review.php http://www.schadenfreude.net/2010/07/06/the-bachelorette-episode-7-a-review.php#comments Tue, 06 Jul 2010 16:10:25 +0000 Jeff Ford http://www.schadenfreude.net/?p=29948

This week Ali and the five guys jetted off to Lisbon, Portugal.  Lisbon is best known as the birthplace of the grilled cheese sandwich.  It’s also the place the cast seems least excited to visit.  Maybe it’s because the pressure is on.  The guys who get roses this week get to take Ali home to meet their parents which means that Stephen will be forced to make fun of people who really didn’t want to be on TV in the first place.

I wish everyone would stop saying “five guys” because it’s making me hungry for burgers.

1-on-1 Date, Roberto
Why does Ali’s hair always look terrible?  Is that a thing now?  Is terrible hair the new good hair?

Ali and Roberto just walked around Lisbon and snapped photos.  Roberto reveals why he never made it to the majors — he doesn’t even have the hand-eye coordination to take a decent photo of Ali jumping off a bench.  At one point Ali said “If Roberto and I were together, this is what it would be like.”  Guess what, this is what it is like.  Does anyone on this show actually enjoy the moments they have on the show or are they too focused on what might happen next?

After the impromptu photo session, they got on the most boring roller coaster ever.  It slowly wound it’s way through the streets of Lisbon.  It may have been a trolley.  They ended up having some sort of dinner on the ruins of some steps where Ali had to cover her legs with a blanket because her skirt was so short all of Lisbon would have seen her cooch.

Ali is reveling in the fact that the guys have to gush over her and be demonstrative while she can continue to keep all of her thoughts to herself and internalize her trust issues.  Which brings me to…

I have a confession.  After I read Stephen’s review, I went back and watched the Rated-R portion of last week’s episode.  I couldn’t miss the Earth shaking revelation that Rated-R had a girlfriend at home.  My question: Why didn’t any of the remaining guys express concern over how Ali handled the whole thing?  It doesn’t bode well for their future relationships that she passive-aggressively called him out in front of everyone.

2-on-1 Date, Frank and Ty
The return of the helicopter.  Is it just me or has it been at least one episode since we’ve had a helicopter date?  It’s good to have it back.  It may be our most interesting character.  After the helicopter dropped them off (so long, helicopter, we’ll miss you), they made their way to a large unnamed castle.

On the way — make sure you’re sitting down — they saw a deer.  Oh.  My.  God.  In Portugal.  A deer!

The elusive Portugese Deer

Ali, Frank and Ty then shared an awkward dinner during which they only talked about how awkward it was. Also, are we to believe that the restaurant wasn’t a TV set?  That didn’t look anything like a restaurant.  Watch it again.  I’m pretty sure it’s the Seinfeld set repainted.  In order to break the awkwardness, she pulled Ty away to ask him about his divorce and his “traditional values.”  When Ali says “traditional values” I think she actually means “traditional values” not “anti-gay” like when politicians say “traditional values.”  Frank took the opportunity during his alone time to mention that he lives at home with his parents.  He was wise to not mention his World of Warcraft account.  He managed to make it a bigger deal than it needed to be and still played it into sympathy from Ali.  Is there anything she doesn’t fall for?  Then they were suddenly sitting in a tree.  K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

1-on-1 Date, Kirk
All the date card read was: “Once upon a time.”  What is this?  The DiVinci Code?  How is he supposed to know what to wear?

Ali claimed to be preoccupied during the date.  Really?  Her brain can handle two things at once?  Plus, she’d already gone out on her date with Roberto so she’s just not into the rest of them.  They should always save his dates for last.

She and Kirk took a horse and carriage ride to some old castle and neither of them had the vocabulary to describe it.

Eventually, Ali and Kirk had a dinner that was even more awkward than the date with Frank and Ty.  Ali admitted, “I’m just worried that I won’t be good enough for you one day.”  That’s the deal, Ali.  There are no guarantees.  This is love, not Kmart.  After dinner, they walked to some steps where they are serenaded by a lady dressed like a Muppet.  It was probably the most romantic moment ever on the Bachelorette.

1-on-1 Date, Chris
He and Ali hopped on a scooter and drove really, really slowly.  It even looked slow.  They should have just walked.  Eventually, they arrived at their destination and Ali said, “It sounds like your whole family just messes around together.”  Who knew she was into incestual orgies?

For dinner, they went to a winery.  Prior to the date, Chris promised that his funny, charming self would be there.  Instead, he brought his serious, boring self who said things like, “I like the way we’ve talked.”  Then he gave her a bracelet and attempted to put it on her.  It was as awkward as a trying to pin a corsage on your prom date’s strapless dress.

The Rose Ceremony
They reminded us several times that the recipients of these roses would get the all important hometown dates where Ali gets to meet their parents.  So you know, absolutely nothing was on the line once again.  Ali gave roses to everyone but Ty.  I guess spotting deer is not a trait she’s looking for in a man.

My roses go to:

• Frank — for looking pissed that Ty spotted the deer before him and then acting like it was no big deal.
• Chris — for being the most awkward and frantic kisser in the world.
• Ali — for perfecting the pouty face she uses when she has to send someone home.
• Steve Gadlin — for only addressing the men from a distance of 20 feet or more.
• Kirk — for successfully going back to the “I had a horrible mold disease” well a second time.

Update on Jake and Vienna’s Breakup
Jake’s explanation: “I went away and then I was on the cover of five magazines.”
Vienna’s explanation: “He emotionally abused me.”
Then they called each other liars the entire time.  They’re both right.  Listen, I don’t care about these assholes.  I don’t know why they had to shove them in my face during this show.  It was the most worthless half hour of television I’ve ever seen.

I have to admit, I like not watching last week, and just wondering where they were going to be this week. Maybe Greece? Maybe Italy? NO! Istanbul! Land of love and magic carpets and stereotypes.

Thank you for starting with the drama! I thought this was just going to be another boring episode except this time, in Turkey! Where, according to Ali, people live! But no – it turns out that everyone’s favorite bad guy, Rated-R is a *SPOILER ALERT* cheating asshole. At least that’s what the actress, er, girlfriend said on the phone. And then Ali puts on her brave face, and Steve Gadlin watches from the sidelines, and they discuss this dude. And they use an iPhone (an old one), and they have proof! Phone calls! Pictures! DRAMA!

Joey Greco, that's Opportunity calling. ANSWER IT!

After that, the show dwindled back to a bunch of dates. The only highlight of the Wrestler/Ali fight: We find out that Ali gave up her job. And her apartment. She gave up EVERYTHING to be here to find a husband. In case you, or anyone else was wondering.

1-on-1 Date:
So, after all the DRAMA – Ali goes on a date with Ali. To A Turkish Bath House. Apparently, the producers didn’t know that having sex in a bath house is reserved for dudes. They go to dinner, and Ty reveals that women are people too! They are presidents of companies! They have lives! They EXIST! And this is the rallying speech, much like St. Crispin’s Day in Henry V, that gets Ali’s heart. What a true modern man. Ali buys it hook, line and sinker and even suggests that having been married before, he’s MORE prepared to be married again. *sigh* And, after Turkish Delights, he gets a rose.

Orgy Date
So the Craig 1, Craig 2, Kirk, and Roberto, go on a date where the have to Gladiator-battle for Ali’s heart. And the dudes who were pissed that there was a girl in their bath house show up, all oiled up (including their pants – THEIR PANTS WERE OILED UP) and try to kill the dudes. Then, they wrestle. THEN – they wrestle each other. The Lawyer, Craig 1, wins. So he gets 1-1 time. Other stuff happens, etc. etc.

1-on-1 Of the Orgy Date (#2 for Ali):
Fireworks. And… That’s about it. I have NOTHING else to say of this date with Craig 1.

1-on-1 Date (#3 for Ali):
So the tramp goes out on ANOTHER date. They got a Bazaar, and for the sake of all the men watching the show, they put Ali in a Jasmine from Aladdin costume for a quick minute. THEN, the producers get tricky, and they do a whole bit about Frank not buying a rug… “I’m not gonna buy a rug.” “I’m not gonna buy a rug.” “I’m not gonna buy a rug.” Oh wait, they walk out with the rug. On which they consummate their relationship. And buy consummate, I mean eat dinner. And then Frank makes his “Romeo at Juliet’s Family Crypt Speech” lamenting about how much he loves her… AND SHE BUYS IT. Seriously, I’m contacting this girl and telling her she really needs to invest in Kinifter Pins for the future of car safety and that I put my whole heart into developing it.

The Rose Ceremony:
This week is just FULL of surprises – NO COCKTAIL PARTY! Apparently we spent so much time dealing with Rated-R that the producers decided to skip watching the boys drink cocktails, and jumping right to the part where Ali kicks one of them off. Boom. My only wish is that, for Jeff’s sake next week, someone else has a girlfriend back home, so that HE can watch this awesome Cheaters drama that I got. So yadda yadda, she gives two out, and Steve Gadlin shows up to tell us that there is only one rose left (Thank you!). And then – what?! The lawyer who wrestles with words, after defeating his brethren in olive oil goodness, gets the boot.

**SPOILER ALERT**

• Frank fucks everything up.
• Ty is still annoying on the acoustic guitar.
• Craig 2 is still around.
• Jeff gets to watch the magic of Lisbon, Portugal.

My Roses for the Week:

• Camera guy – try white balance, it cuts down the glare.
• NICE use of dramatic pause making the phone ring 9 times at the beginning. I really thought it would have been more awesome if it had gone to voicemail.
• Whichever dude it was that tried to comfort Ali – NICE try. She pushed you off like a bullfighter against a calf.
• Justin goes out like a man – “Here’s the rose that you gave me, you can have it back.” What a true gentleman.
• For Turkish bath houses, reminding us that sex isn’t only for gay men.
• For the Producers for making me wonder what the exchange rate between Turkey money and American money to see how much they paid for that rug. 980 – but 980 WHAT?!

So, apparently every episode IS 2 hours long.

This sucks.

I don’t even know who was kicked off from last week – everyone looks the same. What I do know is that a dude gets a tattoo tonight. In order to help make this exciting, I’m adding a “!” after every event. Let’s hope it works!(!)

At the beginning, Steve Gadlin comes in, and tells the guys, you know this awesome house? Screw it, we’re taking you around the world. ABC has picked up the tab to send 11 douchebags around the world to make the World wonder, “Why, America, why?” According to Ali, this event will “take things to the next level.” They must be at like Level 37 now. If I check the rulebook, level 37 is oiled-up naked orgy. It’s not. Instead we go to NYC! I can’t imagine a more cliche place to begin this. Please tell me they go to Paris next… So, while the stud farm goes from LA to NYC, Ali spends some “me time” some man of “questionable sexuality” plays dress up with his very own lifesize Barbie. Best part? Questionably Gay guy says, “We took photos of you! And you’re gonna be in my magazine! And we’re putting another blonde much more famous than you on the cover!” Boom. You’re no one Ali, even InStyle magazine knows it.

1-1 Date w/Lame Dude!
And our adventure begins with a 1-1 date with…. Some lame dude. I don’t remember his name. They get in a cab, they get in a helicopter, they get in a park, they get in the Natural History Museum after closing with flashlights, and Lame Dude does NOT get in her pants. Why? Because he is the worst kind of douche, the douche who uses butterfly/cocoon metaphors and sings a capella when he gets nervous. It was awkward for ME – and I was just watching it. In the end, he doesn’t ge a rose, BUT he doesn’t have to leave either. I think then the flip switched in Lame Dude, and he turned into “super scary stalker douche” – because he had that look in his eye. You know that look, I think it’s officially referred to as “rape eye” – the “I’m gonna MAKE you love me.”

*sigh* When does Modern Family come back?

Group Date w/7 Guys and a Lion!
We then jump back to the condos where the stud farm has parked it for a few days. Here’s a quick question – do the guys get to put in their order for alcohol, or do they just get what the producers give them? Let’s say I loved Red Stripe (I don’t) and that’s all I drank – would they pick it up for me when I needed it? Anywhoo – it’s group date time! Yay! In Tyra Banks/ANTM fashion – the names of the boys are accompanied by a cryptic message along the lines of “Let’s do a Broadway Play” or something. So, naturally, all the guys put on tennis shoes and head off to the ESPN Zone in Times Square. Makes sense, right? There, they see a big ad for Ali, and she blows them kisses, and the marquee message reads, “Look for me across the street at the Lion King.” And, sure enough, there she is! OMG! A Broadway play?! Whouda’ thunk the producers could pull something off like this? (Seriously – the group date should have been heading over to Gray’s Papaya and having a hot dog eating contest while drinking smoothies. Please tell me one of these guys has an iPhone, and is checking in via FourSquare at all these locations. If one of them checks in enough times, they could become the Mayor of Ali’s Heart – and in 4sq land – that means you’re awesome.)

Well, it looks like Mr. Weatherman did NOT get kicked off last week. Do you know how I know this? No, I have no freakin’ memory of what this guy looked like, it’s because I just heard some jackhole tell me the “forecast is for sunny skies.” Can I poke out my ears?

They get to the Lion King, and the 7 douches have to ‘audition’ for the part of Ali’s date. After a dance-off and a sing-off – Broadway-style, we find out that only Roberto has rhythm and that Weatherman can’t sing. After the audition, Roberto gets the gig – and it’s announced that these two are going to ruin a performance for 700 paying people by doing some aerobatics. I hope it was a Wednesday evening performance. No one dies, and they go to an after party… of just the 8 of them. There, Ali announces that she’s REALLY sick (what a trooper – she DID THE SHOW!) She then goes off and in the middle of a rainstorm, while sick, TOTALLY makes out with Frank. I mean she’s got some sort of viral infection that’s making her voice all scratchy, and Frank is like, “Give it to me! I’ll take whatever’s on that tongue because I believe I found love on a TV show!” So she’s all like, “Cool, here you go.” and then he’s like, “Ali’s awesome, I’m awesome, I hope I make it to the sex date! What? There is no sex date?” Then Roberto pops his head in and says, “Oh, there WILL BE… There willlll beeee.” And then laughs maniacally.

Ok, only some of that last part happened – I’ll let you figure out what. However, it is only now that I realize that THERE IS STILL 1 HOUR LEFT OF THIS SHOW. Oh for God’s sake.

1-1 Sick Date!
Oh right, one more 1-1 date. It’s Chris L’s Birthday! He gets to spend it with sick Ali! Yay. Personally, a pretty good date with Ali is to be stuck in her hotel room for the day – you don’t have to put on airs, AND you already know she makes out when she’s sick, so there’s a decent chance you’ll get some because, well, the bed is RIGHT THERE. I’ll just sum up the rest of the date by saying, “Who is Joshua Radin? Is this someone Disney is trying to push on us? Ugh. Chris L, you did a FANTASTIC job faking excitement. Is there anything grosser than watching two people awkwardly kiss? I don’t think there is.”

The Cocktail Party!
And now, we get the jockeying during the Cocktail Party. Blah blah blah. He accusses him of not loving Ali and not being here for the right reasons, him say that dude is crazy – I don’t even know anymore. However, a little bit of reality set in, and Lame Dude did NOT show the tattoo to Ali, you know, because it was a STUPID THING TO DO. Has “Protect and Guard Your Heart” become a meme yet? It will, next week, Jeff will take a shot every time Kasey utters, “Protect and Guard Ali’s heart” or variation there-of. Another thing I learned? The Weatherman is not just a weatherman, he’s also a singer/songwriter – apparently he’s waited until now to unleash his secret weapon: the guitar. I wish one of these guys would pull out a guitar and start singing, “I gave my love a cherry/That had no stone…” and see if Ali gets the reference. If yes – AWESOME. If no, the dude slaps the guitar on his back, and walks off the show. Finally, Steve Gadlin appears, and tells us that Ali has to go make some decisions because, it’s time for:

The Rose Ceremony!
Ali starts passing out roses like they’re pennies, and she’s the rich grandma. It seems as though everyone is going to get a rose, until, before we know it – there’s only one rose left, and 3 dudes! What?! Steve Gadlin comes in, and confirms my suspicions that there is only one rose left, and leaves. Ali then has to decided amongst Some Dude(?), Weatherman, and Lame Dude. Whoa. THIS is drama. Apparently, she didn’t know who the first guy was either, because she didn’t pick him. She also did not dig being serenaded, poorly, because Weatherman went home! She kept around the guy who gave her “rape eye” earlier in the show! I can see the attraction to this show now people, will there, or will there not be a hate crime/felony perpetrated before the end of the season?! Stick around to find out!

My Rose Ceremony:

• Kasey for teaching me how to convince a woman to love me, and for me to prove my dedication to her and her well-being, and how to prove I’m genuine and sincere, AND how to do it without her thinking I’m crazy: get a tattoo.
• To Jesse for saying, “I’m excited to see my dogs again.” and meaning it. Thank you for a eency bit of realism in this Reality Show.
• To Ali for finally getting rid of Weatherman.
• To Steve Gadlin who continues to navigate the tough narratives with ease and composure.
• To Rated-R for stepping up to the plate, and truly being the bad guy.
• To Disney, for making “The Lion King” relevant again, and spurring some much-needed sales while they ready “The Little Mermaid: The Musical.”

Is every episode two hours long? If so, it’s gonna be a long summer.

I missed the premiere, but from what I gather, a bunch of guys have to kill animals, farm and perform randome tasks for the love of Smurfette. One of the aforementioned tasks to be accomplished was to go on a ‘date’ with blondie. This ‘date’ consisted of: hopping in a car, driving, and visiting the Hollywood sign. Oh yeah, you also get to make out with her. I must say, blondie and Quirky Guy are excellent actors – they were SUPER SURPRISED when the car broke down while on the 101 (oh noes!) so they get out, and walk to the nearest cab to be taken to the Walk of Fame where they proceed to get mobbed by “fans” of the Bachelorette (seriously, fans?) Then, they got to neck and eat cupcakes, and blondie handed him a rose and said, “I really like this guy, and I’m not gonna hide it, but I’m gonna go make out with 16 other guys, because that’s what ABC pays me for.”

Really Quick: Are we supposed to be proud of blondie for quitting her job to find love? Because, you know, she is getting paid by ABC to do this.

Ok, so then blondie puts on her bikini top, some Old Navy cargo pants, and meets 12 guys on the beach where they play guitar, touch legs and make fun of the dude in the cast. They shoot pictures for a sexy calendar that can be bought on ABC.com for a good cause. (this cause is never mentioned – I think it’s for saving the youth of America from shitty shows like this) Then, after the fun day in the sun, they all go and have drinks with a bartender and blondie where they get 1-on-1 time. In this 1-on-1 time, you are supposed to open up and tell blondie some deep dark secrets. Like you were married before, you would walk up a mountain with a crutch, or youwant to be known as a whiny bitch. Of all the guys on this show, the only one I know is the kid who looks like he was just cast in the remake for Goonies. He took Karate, and if you come at him, he will put up his hand. Hi-Yah. Oh yeah, he’s also a weatherman, so you know, if you piss him off, he’ll refer to you as some meteorological storm. For example, instead of calling someone a douche, he’ll call them, “An F5 tornado.”

Dude, we all saw Twister.

She then handed out a rose to someone who was married before.

Cut to 5 guys hanging out (I think there’s a total of 22 guys in the running now?), and apparently, only one of them gets another super-awesome date. They jump on a plane, and, now, I’ve been to Vegas. They make it seem like they got dropped off at McCarran, and then drove 45 minutes in a top-down Ferrari, and just arrived in Vegas. We all know, the Strip is 7 minutes from the airport. I call LIAAAAARRRR!

They head off to Liquid (amazing what ABC can get you) and after blondie comes out dressed in a hot pink bikini, and Missouri looks to the screen and says, “I definitely want to uncover more about blondie.” Someone tell me that there’s a staff of writers just off-screen handing one-liners to these guys. It’s the ONLY explanation. This is followed by a swanky dinner in a Sky Villa in Aria where blondie reveals a little more about her personality: Blondie likes black ties. Because it’s so unique. A black tie. She really likes it. She’s a truly unique individual. They then go and have a private performance by Jamie Cullom.

Who’s Jamie Cullum? Would blondie have taken her rose back if Missouri said, “Who the fuck is this? And what color underwear are you wearing?”

Then they have a really long cocktail hour. In which blondie talks to everyone, and everyone is free to interrupt any other guy at any time to complain about the other guys. That happens a lot. Ok, it happens only with the Goonies-Reboot. The only thing I know is that we have one pussy, and one evil guy on the show. And, that if Evil Guy makes it pass the Rose Ceremony, Pussy knows there IS NO GOD. I hope the Catholic Church heard that. I want the Vatican to boycott “The Bachelorette” like they boycotted “Avatar.”

Quick shot of blondie taking 5×7 framed portraits and staring longingly at them, and then we cut to Steve Gadlin telling all the guys that if you don’t get a rose, you go home. Blondie continues handing out roses until there is one left, and then Steve Gadlin comes back out and tells the audience, “There is one rose left.” Cool. Had trouble counting. Evil Guy #1 does NOT get a rose! REALLY interesting – because he was the only one enjoyable to watch on screen. And we HAVE to keep Goonies-Reboot around. Oh well. At least I get a week off.

My Rose Ceremony:

• The music director for proving that you don’t need a sense of drama or musical talent to get work in Hollywood. That underscoring is BAD.
• Blondie for turning giggling into an art. An annoying, death-inducing art.
• Weatherman for securing his position in next season’s “The Bachelorette” – as The Bachelorette.
• Evil Guy #1 for going the distance into putting on Weatherman’s clothes for a bit.
• Evil Guy #2 for being competitive with a cast. And a learning disability.

TODAY – at noon, Kate, Sandy, Justin and I will all be discussing LOST as part of the WBEZ Lunchbox Series. Topics covered include: it’s social impact, pop culture influences, and whether or not Juliet is Jack’s wife in the alterLAverse. Be sure to come on over, and join the chat – theories abound, and there’s nothing more fun than speculation. I personally guarantee an hour of fun conversation and bits regarding your (second) favorite castaways.

WBEZ – Lunchbox #11
Noon CST
Click here to join the discussion!

It’s been a long crazy road, and although we haven’t done a spot-on job of critiquing every moment, we have done our fair share of pokes, jabs and OMGs here on Schadenfreude.

I think we’re all ready to see how this wraps up in the final 2.5 hours. I think we’re finally ready to see Jack win in the end. And if you think that’s a spoiler, I remind you, this is Network Television. The good guys always win in the end. That’s what “Scarecrow and Mrs. King” taught me. You want to know what happens when the good guys don’t win in the end? You get the “Seinfeld” series finale. And no one wants that.

This is my list of the top 10 Lost moments in the history of the show. Emphasis on the MY. These are the moments that made the most impact on my memory — some are “holy shit!” moments, some are plain old “*stunned silence*” moments, some are jump out of your seat with joy moments. And I know there are still 3 1/2 hours left to air and I’m leaving the final chapters out. But I just got kinda weepy reading some Lost stuff on EW.com, so I don’t want to wait any longer. Gimme a break, I’m a nostalgic gal and I get way too invested in this shit. Humor me!

10. Ben lets Alex die

He could have surrendered and saved her life. But our selfish friend Ben (remember when we used to call him “Henry Gale”?) called Keamy’s bluff and it didn’t pay off. The look on Ben’s face when he realizes he just caused his daughter ‘s death is just so awful. And poor Alex’s body, just lying limp like that on the ground. I was shell-shocked. Later on we find out the risk Ben took to ensure baby Alex’s survival, which makes this scene even more heart-wrenching in retrospect.

9. The map in the hatch

This was the moment that first opened my eyes to just how grand, how epic the mythology of the show was going to be from here on out. Those fleeting 5 seconds that we see the blacklit Dharma station map were OFF THE HOOK! “WTF is that question mark????” This was before DVR and Hulu, so I actually had to search fan sites to find the image. FAN SITES! Wow…so 2006.

8. The starting of the Dharma van

One of the first (and only) moments in Lost where something super awesome and fun happens. Watching Charlie, Hurley, Jin and Sawyer ride around and around in that van, you’d think they were four 10-year-olds on the Tilt-A-Whirl at Great America. A moment of pure triumph and joy, with “Shambala” playing in the background — our heroes finally got to forget their troubles and just have fun.

7. Juliet falls

After all that Juliet and Sawyer went through — several failed relationships, initially hating each other, then falling in love over the 3 years in Dharmaville — we were all rooting for them to be the couple that made it to the end and lived happily ever after. But this is LOST, so of course they had to pull her down a well by magnets and chains. Thanks a lot, LOST! That final scene where Sawyer is holding her by the wrist as she dangles to her death, and he says, “I’m not gonna let you go!” OMG. *heart melts into a pool of tears!*

6. Ben in J. Crew and the first glimpse of ”New Otherton”

Another WTF moment: The first time we see where The Others live! And we learn they live surprisingly well for a bunch of dirty, bearded ragamuffins! In fact, they dress in khakis and well-pressed cotton shirts, live in cute little suburban homes with white picket fences, and they bake muffins for their book clubs! In this moment we learned that there was so much more to The Others than we ever could have imagined.

5. Sun & Jin, together forever

It was particularly harsh to see Sun and Jin die after a whole season apart, and after just being reunited in the previous episode. But the way that they died was particularly tragic and beautiful. We’ve been with this couple through so much change (remember when Jin was a total asshole and almost killed Michael over that watch?) — we watched them grow together, conceive a child, search for each other for literally YEARS. And when they finally found each other, Jin vowed to never be apart again. And Jin kept his promise. WAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

4. Locke in the coffin

For an ENTIRE YEAR we speculated, “Who’s in the coffin? Those bastards cut away from the finale without showing us who’s in the coffin! For the love of Christ, just TELL US WHO’S IN THE DAMN COFFIN!!!” Everyone had their own opinion on who was in the coffin — Ben? Michael? Vincent???  The producers shot 3 or 4 different variations of the coffin scene with different characters in the coffin, just to throw off the spoiler-people. And when we found out it was Locke, *COLLECTIVE GASP*!!! WTF??? If Locke is dead, how is Jack going to get everyone back to the island to fulfill their destiny??? Ben said, “We have to take him too.” WHAAAA??? Loved it. Classic Lost.

3. Penny picks up Desmond’s call from the freighter

Another OMFG moment. He told her to answer the phone in the future on this very date! And he got Sayid (is there anything he can’t do? Oh yeah, throw a bomb and slam the sub door. Damn it, Sayid!) to fix that phone on the freighter so he could make the international call, without a calling card! And after about 30 rings, she answered! And then his brain didn’t explode! YAAAAYY!!! *sniff, sniff* This is one of the top romantic TV moments of all time. *sigh*

2. The light in the hatch

The light. That brilliant, beautiful light shining from The Hatch. After all of the struggle Locke went through to figure out why the hell he was brought to the island, WTF that metal shit was in the ground, and what does it all mean….FLICK! A light. A sign. He’s supposed to be there. He IS there for a reason. It’s the first “light” in a long series of lights throughout the entire show that have real significance.

1. “Not Penny’s Boat”

It’s a phrase that will bring an audible reaction from every true Lost fan: “Not Penny’s Boat”, the haunting and cryptic message written on Charlie’s hand as he gave up his life to save them all. Many fans complain that they didn’t understand why Charlie didn’t try to swim out of the hole that Mikhail blew up. It’s simple: Charlie knew that he was doomed and it was just a matter of time. This way, he got to end his life on his own terms; saving Desmond in the process so he can save everyone else, especially Claire and Aaron. And the final bit of heroism, to warn Desmond that the boat they thought would save them all was not what it seemed to be, was another major turning point in the epic story. Just a few notes of that chilling “Life and Death” theme by the brilliant Michael Giacchino sends chills up my spine and tears to my eyes. I still miss ya, Charlie.

Whew! That was hard. I wanted to be clever and just do my top 8 (Get it?? Like The Numbers?? Did we ever really figure out what the numbers meant? My brain hurts.) but I just had too many to do only 8, and not enough hours in the day for my Top 42. So pipe in, Lost fans! What are your top Lost moments? And am I right? Which should be the “Top Moment From LOST”? Vote on the poll below!!