No second bananas in this masterpiece, you know why? Because District 9 is full of brand new actors and non-actors and people who have no business in being in one of this summer’s best movies and that is why I LOVE THIS MOVIE and will BUY IT ON DVD the DAY IT COMES OUT. This movie is as hot as any movie I’ve seen all summer. I just loved it and can’t wait to see it again. The math would say I would love G.I. Joe but that movie looked on par with Silver Surfer so I’m gonna save the money and see this a 2nd and maybe a 3rd time. No spoilers in this post except to say that it’s reminiscent of just about every hot movie you’ve ever loved, and if you’re a big fan of V (look for the series this fall featuring Juliette from Lost!) or Independence Day or Starship Troopers or Murray in Flight of the Conchords you’ll love this textbookally perfect movie.  I’ll shoot the pig again but not the prawn.

I like Kevin James and think that he’s, in general, a funny guy. And I’d heard great things about that Paul Blart, Mall Cop from numerous trusted sources. But you know what? I recommend you take a pass. Now, I’m a lover of movies and I love comedy featuring husky guys on segues rolling around in the mall. But for some reason this movie just didn’t ring my bell. The best part of the movie is that Kevin James’ brother plays a weird guy doing karaoke in a few scenes — and there’s another guy who plays his rival in the mall who’s pretty funny. Hadn’t seen most of the guys in this movie with the exception of the owner of one of the stores who played a second banana in Independence Day. Anyway, take a pass on this and see District 9 again or do yourself a real favor and re-watch Goodfellas on Netflix.

SPOILER ALERT! First twenty minutes are priceless. Loved loved loved the first twenty minutes. Everyone is hilarious and I was literally giggling. But after the dinner scene where Jeremy Piven brings Burger King to the big family dinner and he meets his rival Ed Helms, I started to check-out. It is around this time that the movie starts to seem very well put together, as if you’ll say, yes, correct. This is the time that in in the movie where the best friend gives his advice. But the jokes don’t hit and are pretty played out and I’m sorry to rear this controversial subject, America, but we’re all pretty Will Ferrell’d out. Will Ferrell is great and I know it’s his production company but I’m ready for a bit of a breather. Still haven’t seen Step Brothers and I need to see it but movies like The Goods are making me wait yet another month. A few laughs but wait for Netflix and re-watch Harold and Kumar go to Guantanamo Bay. Somewhat Recommended.

So I saw Liar Liar on cable this weekend and let me tell you, this movie is not that good. But it is interesting. It was made in 1997, which was in this weird buffer period when fashion, especially in offices, was just strange. All of the guys in this movie are wearing suits that are 2 sizes too big. And all of the colors are browns and maroons and grays.  It seems like this movie was a transition for Jim Carrey, hot off of the success of his universally-known hits in the ’90′s, this is the first time when we get to see him as a family man. I now have a theory that he had to do a movie like Liar Liar to get to do movies like Truman Show and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, both of which I totally love. His early stuff is so over-the-top campy that there’s no way he could’ve gone straight to drama. But take another look back at the original Ace Ventura. It’s hilarious. There are a few funny bits in Liar Liar but most of the time I was thinking oh yeah, Maura Tierny was in ER for a while. Never did get in to ER.

Recently saw Harold and Kumar 2 on HBO and it’s as funny, if not a lot funnier, than the first one. Though the first one has it’s slow parts, the point of thing is pretty clear: let’s get these two guys two White Castle and pack in the jokes. Watching Part 2, I didn’t know what to expect and honestly thought I’d turn it off after 15 minutes, but I watched it all the way through — in large part due to Rob Corddry as the Homeland Security guy hot on their trail. Every scene he’s in, he’s so over-the-top committed that you are pretty much forced to laugh out loud.  Part 2 starts where the first one left off — right after the All Valley Karate Tournament, Johnny’s talking to his Sensei, and . . . All I have to say except that this movie is loaded with jokes and I found it to be totally enjoyable. Obviously you really don’t care if they get in or out of Guantanamo Bay. Watching some of these scenes, you’re like, damn Kal Pen, you got hired to work in the White House. Damn, Harold, you got to play Sulu. I honestly love it when actors from camp comedies go on to play legitimate foreign aides or helmsmen of the Enterprise. IMDB reports that A Very Harold & Kumar Christmas is in the works.  All that plus Doogie Howser.

We’ve all been waiting for this week to arrive, and it’s finally here. The grand opening of Michael Bay’s new opus Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Even though it’s been out for a couple of days, and even though I missed opening night due to an ear infection, and even though it’s so-far received horrible reviews across the board, I posit — not having seen this movie — that it will be my favorite of the year. Why? For the exact same reason that so many people love to hate on Michael Bay: his movies kick ass. They are full of explosions, amazing action sequences, and people who are hot. There are few lines, and simple plots. People talk about the fact that Transformers 2 has no plot, and, like Marty McFly’s high school band, that it’s “just too darn loud.” The plot is simple: huge robots from Cyberton come to Earth to transform into Pontiac Solstices.  And then they fight each other.  Those who complain that the acting should be better or that the movie shouldn’t be so broad need to remind themselves that they’re watching a loud, kick ass American made movie that stars huge robots from Cybertron who come to Earth to transform into Pontiac Solstices and fight each other.  I can’t wait to see it and I guarantee I will break my no-more-DVD’s-rule and buy it on DVD.

notice the eye and mouth... thing

First there’s a prologue and it’s sort low-key creepy and in Spanish at first and then really loud and cool sounding (seriously – this film has the best sound design and score)

Our hero (who looks a lot like Anne from Arrested Development [her?] but is actually Nic Cage’s daughter from Matchstick Men) is cursed by an evil gypsy woman with an eye… thing. There’s a lot of eye (and mouth)… stuff in this movie and it’s awesome. She’s cursed while working at the bank which isn’t important to the story except that her boss is played by David Paymer with a side of ham. The hero and her boyfriend (I’m A Mac) team up with this smooth-ass psychic and learn she has three days until she’s dragged to hell by a black goat demon. There’s more of the creepy gypsy woman with her eyes and her mouth. A couple of solid and hilarious scenes with a co-worker and I’m A Mac’s parents. Fantastic use of live goat. You will feel smart because you will see the ending coming and then you will be rightly shamed when that ending still entertains (owns) you.

So yeah, there it is. I’d recommend seeing it in the theater before it’s gone. 99 minutes you can strike off your calendar. You’re welcome.

Watchmen is based on a comic book of the same and directed by the guy who did 300, which itself was a movie based on a comic book of the same name.  Doesn’t matter.  What matters is that Watchmen is hot, but the best part is the opening sequence.  The actors were pretty good, I liked the special effects but all in all I was bummed that they turned the squid into a bunch of missiles.  That said, Dr. Manhattan is pretty kick ass in this movie — he kicks a lot of ass with the Comedian, and he goes to Mars just by thinking about it.  Let’s see Hugh Grant can pull that one off. In case you missed it in the theaters, it’s probably gone by now. No big deal, you got DVD to look forward to — just be sure to keep an eye out for those TV ads saying when Watchmen is coming out on DVD. That’ll be your cue.

A few of us got an urgent email from Stephen this past weekend demanding that we go to Comcast On Demand and watch Robot Holocaust.

Immediately.

And what do I have to say, but THANK YOU! This delightfully awful movie is such a gloriously blatant rip of all of my favorite movies (highlights include Escape from New York, Mad Max, Alien, Star Wars, Conan the Barbarian, and even a dash of The Black Hole). And boy does this movie SUCK BUTT.

But you know what? Who cares. Of course it sucks. It’s called Robot Holocaust and it’s 79 minutes long and it’s from 1986 and there are maybe 100 lines in the entire movie. Everyone in the movie MAYBE got Taft-Hartlied to be in SAG from this Mr. Holland’s Piece of Crap. It opens with a 10-minute lightly-choreographed fight sequence clearly shot in a textile factory in the Garment District on a Sunday at 11. Make no mistake, I will be watching this movie again. Connor, this is so incredibly ready for a Neo staging that you won’t have to write any jokes or make any clever references for the stage directions. Maybe we could stunt the festival by just screening the movie and having us watch it and actually enjoy it.

Well, now it’s not much of a stunt because now the cat’s out of the bag. Wait, we’ll do it in 2010.  Book the flight now.

NOTE: Wait! The main guy’s name is “Neo.” I think that the Matrix guys based it all on this. Robot Holocaust could be the Ramone’s of sci-fi and we don’t even know it.

The Day The Earth Stood Still is a remake of an old movie of the same name starring Keanu Reeves and Jennifer Connelly as the step-mom and Jon Hamm from Mad Men. All in all, the movie’s just okay. Starts out kinda like Transformers with Constantine discovering an old ball of energy in the ice somewhere in India. Cut to present day, where a bigger ball of energy lands in Central Park right by the final scene in Cloverfield. Constantine’s back, but 80 years later and as an alien. Curtis from 24 shows up, as does Kyle Chandler, who I saw at O’Hare one time. Plus John Cleese makes a cameo and has a nice meaty scene with Jennifer Connelly.  About an hour in, the movie gets all environmentally preachy and says that Neo’s here to save the earth from the human race, and we won’t change and will never stop throwing away our Pepsi cans and Discovery Center catalogues and so we’re doomed. Pass. It is cool that he can bring people back to life, but all in all, if you’re looking for a night of fun, throw-in Death Race and check-out the guy from Deadwood, he’s great in that movie and I need to put Deadwood into the queue once I get caught-up on Lost.  I hear it’s a pretty cool show.