It’s only week four.  Week four.  Are you kidding me?  It feels like Week Shoot-Me-In-the-Face.  I guess Jay Cutler wasn’t Kristin Cavallari’s good luck charm because she went home last week.  That’s what happens when you mess with Beyoncé.

The “stars” will be dancing to movie scores this week.  Not only does this show get to ruin my Monday night, they also take that opportunity to ruin good movies.

During the intro, Chynna Phillips keeps trying to make the heart symbol with her hands and every time she just manages to make an “O” instead.  Does she have brain damage?

Because the feel like they absolutely have to fill two whole hours no matter what, they open the show with a dance to a montage of movie music by the pros.  They have managed to make lightsabers boring.

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Tango

She will be dancing to the Mission: Impossible theme.  The mission, if Tony chooses to accept it is to get Chynna — a native English speaker — to understand English.  Seriously.  She’s dumb as rocks.  She can’t follow instructions.  Or count.  Or tell left from right.

Tony is lowered down from the rafters Tom Cruise style.  They then perform one of the most awkward dances I’ve ever seen in my life.  Chynna completely forgets the routine.  She goes blank, or rather, she remains blank.  The old judge said, “It all went up the Swanee River.”  Is that British for it sucked?  The gay judge said, “You were slash and burn hot but you lost the glove.”  Amen, brother.  The lady judge claims that Chynna lost her place but not her composure.  Really?  Stopping and standing in the middle of the routine is not losing your composure?  They then joke about how this isn’t a serious competition which is something I’ve been saying forever.  The judges give her all sevens because the scores clearly mean nothing.

My score: Only the good rock stars die young.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Paso Doble

David will dance to the theme from Raiders of the Lost Ark.  He reveals that he has dyslexia and that causes him to struggle with left and right.  Is that how

Dyslexic or just can't tell left from right?

dyslexia works?  At least I don’t have to worry about him reading my reviews.

David is, of course, wearing a bad approximation of the Indiana Jones hat.  He does this awesome thing where he dances terribly and then suddenly remembers that he’s supposed to puff out his chest.  It’s like some kind of drunk, exotic bird’s mating dance.  He stumbles at the end and nearly breaks Kym’s back over his knee.  Because they fill the studio with the dumbest people alive, the crowd loves it.  The gay judge said, “I love the way you crack your whip, tight muscles and tight pants.  Work on your turns.”  He is on point tonight.  The lady judge loved every minute of it.  The old judge liked his attitude but thought the rest was a “temple of doom.”  Then the judges fight.

My score: Idniaan Jnose.

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Viennese Walz

They are dancing to “The Curse of the Black Pearl” from Pirates of the Caribbean.  Anna brings in an enormous, muscly guy to teach them how to fight with swords.  Carson hits on the guy the whole time.  He’s confident he can pull off the pirate thing because pirates are basically “men in tight pants and low cut shirts looking for jewelry.”  Indeed.

They give Carson a fake goatee for the dance.  I’d wear a disguise if I danced like that, too.  Everyone is terrible this week and it’s delightful.  Maybe that will finally get this show cancelled.  The lady judge says it was like being on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride “but weirder.”  The old judge said, “It’s like childbirth, terrible when it’s happening and a joy when it’s over.”  He adds, “It was great fun.  If I was at home I’d be phoning for you.”  The gay judge simply said, “Pirates of the Caribbean 5: The Revenge of the Gay Blade.  You lost your steps but it was fun.”  Gay judge is on fire tonight.

My score: How am I supposed to top “Revenge of the Gay Blade?”

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Paso Doble

Nancy will be forced to dance to the theme from Flash Gordon.  Tristan visits her at her show and asks her to show the attitude on the floor that she gives on the show.  She thinks the aggression that she learned in law school and the courtroom will help her with this dance.  No, learning how to dance will help you with this dance.

Strangely, there’s no weird lead in to the dance.  She’s just wearing lots of gold and red.  This is the weirdest song in the world to dance to.  Especially when you have to do so much weird posing and strutting.  Someone is deliberately sabotaging this show.  I love that person.  The old judge thinks “The dancing is competent but there’s no excitement.”  The gay judge tells Nancy, “You have to be a ball breaker out there.”  The lady judge wants the other judges to give Nancy more credit.  I still want to know who the hell she is.

My score: Tom Selleck.  She’s Tom Selleck in drag, right?

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Foxtrot
Hope will be dancing to “You’ve Got A Friend In Me” from Toy Story.  Am I the only person in this world who has not seen this movie?  Probably.  Anyway, Maks yells and fights with her just like he always does with his partners.  Even the brain dead people who like this show have to be getting sick of it.

They’re all dressed up in cowboy outfits.  Unfortunately, they cover up Hope’s legs.  She is easily the best of the night because she’s the only one who didn’t look like she was completely lost the whole time.  The gay judge loved it and said “nice” a lot.  The lady judge said, “It made me smile the whole way through.”  The old judge tells her, “You could go all the way in this competition.”  Then he gets real mad lectures her about needing to work harder and longer in the rehearsal room and he swears.  The old man is cranky tonight, folks.  So is the old judge.

My score: Not enough leg.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Paso Doble

Rob gets the Superman theme.  He feels like he can relate to Clark Kent because he is shy and uncomfortable.  He also wears fake glasses.  He thinks that people think he’s a loser.  He’s right.  He wants to prove everyone wrong.  He’s working so hard, guys.  So hard.

There’s no way they’ll have him rip off his nerdy glasses and suit to reveal a Superman costume, right?  No way.  That’s just too much.  The dance is stompy and weird but at least he looks like he’s remembered the routine.  Wait, they did it!  They ripped open his shirt to reveal a K.  I just can’t believe they actually did it.  Special moment, everyone.  Lady judge said, “I likes the way you move.  You’re steady in the ballroom.”  Gay judge, “It’s time to leave Smallville and take on the world.  You have to believe in yourself more.”  That was Superman’s problem, too.  The old judge said, “I didn’t mind it, but I can’t go into raptures about it.”    Why does everyone on the show spend so much time trying to subvert the old judge’s dislike of everything that sucks?  He’s the only one with any real perspective.

My score: Superdouche

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Tango
Ricki and Derek will be dancing to the theme from Psycho.  Really?  It’s no surprise that Derek is having trouble choreographing a routine to this crazy song.  Ricki struggles with the technique of the Tango and she wants to quit.  She breaks down.  Is anyone surprised that she sheds the fist tears?

I thought the Flash Gordon theme was a weird song to dance to.  This is nearly impossible.  I love that they are doing this to the dancers.  Anyway, I’m bored and Megatron just scored a touchdown.  The Bears are in trouble.  The crowd gives Nancy a standing O.  The old judge said, “You’re like the US Mail, you always deliver.”  The gay judge calls it “A blockbusting performance worthy of three sequels.”  The lady judge simply said, “Brilliance in the ballroom.  Done.”  Ricki gets the first two tens of the season.

My score: Flash!  Ahhhh-AHHHH!

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Paso Doble

Fly away, little birdie.

You knew Chaz was going to get the Rocky theme.  When he was a young girl, he wanted to be just like Rocky.  Lacey wants the dance to feel like they are in the boxing ring the whole time.  Because she is concerned about Chaz’s endurance, Lacey brings in Richard Simmons to help train him.  Holy shit, Richard Simmons looks awful.  Is he dying?  Does he have cancer?

Oh sweet god.  Chaz is going after it.  He’s laying it all out there and it is hilarious.  Have you ever seen a pigeon that is too fat to fly?  That’s Chaz Bono in this routine.  You need to find a clip of this on YouTube.  The gay judge said, “In the true spirit of Rocky, no matter how many hits you take you keep coming back and getting stronger.”  The lady judge cries because he gets “under her skin.”  The old judge said, “It wasn’t a knockout performance but it was your best dance to date.”  They’ve completely given up on giving him notes.

My score: Seriously, find a clip of this dance online.  NOW.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Foxtrot
J.R. will dance to the Pink Panther theme.  Karina is pushing him hard this week because she knows she’s got the best partner.  She brings in another professional ballroom dancer to help teach him how to dance — a dude.  Is that fair?  Shouldn’t that be cheating or something?

He’s dressed in a pink tux and top hat.  Also, he’s wearing a fake mustache.  Can he even grow a real one?  Wouldn’t it be awesome if you never had to shave?  Not if you had to survive a horrible explosion, I guess.  The lady judge said, “I thought it was okay.  It fell a little flat for me.”  The old judge said, “This was the best male dance of the night.  This is fabulous.”  He’s not even bothering to hide his disdain for the other judges.  The gay judge said, “You can do it all, you’re great.”  No one is going to critique this guy, either.

My score: Why does the lady judge hate America?

Elisabetta Canales went home last week.  You can’t be pretty and a bitch and expect people to like you.  Am I the only person in America who is sick of Kardashians?

This week the “stars” tell the story of the most memorable year of their life through their dance.  Brooke tells us to prepare our tissues.  Why?  Everyone else’s story is going to pale in comparison to the wounded soldier’s tale of sacrifice.  Kristin Cavallari is going to tell the tale of that one time when her spray tan was a little splotchy.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Foxtrot
Rob most memorable year is the year his father passed away.  He even got a tattoo of his dad on his forearm.  You know, in case he forgets.  He’ll be dancing to Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me To the Moon” because it was one of his dad’s favorite songs.

This is the first time I’ve ever seen a Kardashian think and man is he really thinking hard about this dance.  I can almost see the think waves flying off of him.  I bet he moves his lips when he reads.  After the dance, they cut to his family giving a standing ovation, except Kim is not standing.  Maybe she doesn’t know the dance is over.  The old judge says, “You just put the ‘dash’ in Kardashian.”  The gay judge compares him to Guys and Dolls but Rob has no idea what that is.  Neither do I.  The lady judge like it because he improves every week.  Isn’t that what you are supposed to do?

My score: I have Post Traumatic Kardashian Disorder.

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Rhumba
Surprise!  Her most memorable year was the year she released her only hit song.  She was also drinking and doing drugs.  Then she got clean and married Billy

An awful person.

Baldwin.  So many mistakes.  I’m sure you’re not surprised that she’s dancing to her own song, “Hold On.”  During rehearsal, she breaks down crying.  Why?  Because she released a hit song and married another star?  Does she realize that J.R. suffered permanent physical (and presumably psychological) damage serving his country?

I’d forgotten how bad this song is — especially when this band covers it.  Her dance feels like dance by numbers.  It’s like his partner is afraid to let her dance full speed.  BUT WAIT!  She did the dramatic fist clench that everyone uses to make fun of people trying to be dramatic!  There is nothing too cheesy for this show!  NOTHING!  The gay judge said, “You belong in a museum.”  I think he meant insane asylum.  The lady judge told her, “You are stunning to watch.  It’s like butter.”  Yes, she’s like stunning butter.  The old judge said that she’s “going to be here for weeks and weeks.”  God, I hope not.  During her interview she says dance for the people who have “come over from the darkness into the light.”  Zombies?

My score: Everything is awful.

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Rhumba
I bet you would never have guessed that he’s going to be dancing to one of his father’s songs, “Laugh At Me.”  He’s chosen this past year as his most memorable year because he’s finally happy.  He claims it’s his theme song.  I’m sure he was under zero pressure to dance to one of his parents’ songs.

I hate to speak ill of the dead (no I don’t), but this song is terrible.  It’s Sonny Bono doing a bad Bob Dylan impression.  In fact, it’s a complete rip off of Bob Dylan’s “Like A Rolling Stone.”  He just changed the lyrics.  The lady judge says that she’s “touched by his courage.”  The old judge says it was the best dance he’s seen him do.  The gay judge talks about how hard the Rhumba is but doesn’t really give him any notes.  The judges have given up.  They’re just waiting for him to get voted off.

My score: Can Dylan sue Bono even though he’s dead?

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Samba
Kristin’s most memorable year?  2005, the year she graduated high school and moved to LA to pursue her career, such as it is.  She’s dancing to Beyoncé’s “Crazy In Love” because, you know, it’s a song.

She looks uncomfortable and lost because Mark throws in every Beyoncé dance move he can think of.  With the exception of my wife, skinny white girls can’t dance like Beyoncé.  The old judge liked everything but the Beyoncé stuff, which was practically all of it.  The gay judge and lady judge both liked it.  After the dance, they show Jay Cutler in the audience.  Cue the Bears fans freak out!

My score: Seriously, guys.

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Tango
Carson’s most memorable year was the year Queer Eye for the Straight Guy came out.  He said it was the first time he felt comfortable with himself.  He had always been the dorky kid in school.  He’s dancing for “the dweeby kids that don’t get picked for sports.”  See, it gets better.

The dude might not be able to dance but he can whip his head around like he’s watching a tennis match on fast forward.  The gay judge says, “That was insanely brilliant.”  The lady judge says, “I love you because you brought us drama.”  The old judge says, “You put the ‘boy’ in ‘flamboyant’.”  Carson just pizazzed them into thinking he was good.

My score: Cardigan sweaters for everyone!

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Rhumba
No surprise that his most memorable year was the year that he was injured and the depression he suffered.  Not fair, this is actual pain and suffering that I can’t make fun of.  He’ll be dancing to Tim McGraw’s “If You’re Reading This” which is about a dead soldier who has written a letter home to his family.  I’ll say one thing about country music artists: they really know how to pander to their fan base.

A good person

Again, he looks like the only dancer who knows what he’s doing.  He makes it nice and slow and boring and you can practically see the judges peeing with excitement.  The crowd goes wild.  He gets emotional after the dance.  The lady judge is choked up and struggles to say anything.  She ends up thanking him for his dance.  The old judge tells him that he dances at a level that is “completely unexpected.”  Then he dares to criticize him for something.  The crowd drags him away and begins eating his limbs.  The gay judge says something unintelligible and calls him “my darling.”

My score: 9

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Waltz
Nancy decides that she’s going to dance to “Moon River.”  Does that mean we’re going to see her ass this week?  She tells the story of being pregnant with her twins when her lungs and heart started filling up with fluid.  Wait, is she the lady from Kate Plus Eight?  No?  She didn’t know if she or her children were going to survive.  They survived and now she has to dance.

What a weird fucking song to dance to.  So weird that I had to switch over to the Colts game for several minutes.  I’m assuming that we did not get to see her “moon river.”  I just grossed myself out.  The old judge tells her to get the “ballroom stretch.”  I can only assume that’s some sort of innuendo.  The gay judge thought she was “soft and dreamy.”  The lady judge was “transported” and said it felt like a “live action lullaby.”  Isn’t a live action lullaby just someone singing a lullaby?

My score: Colts 10, Bucs 0

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Rhumba
We already know her story.  Her house burned down and she met her husband in the same year which is this year.  She told herself she would never get married and never do Dancing With the Stars.  Now she’s doing both.  Is this what we’ve come to?  Do desperate “stars” sit around telling themselves that they won’t do Dancing With the Stars?  She’s dancing to “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles.

What is this song?  It’s part “Little Drummer Boy” and part whiny, angst-y, whiny girly song.  Ugh.  She’s acting too hard, but she comes just short of doing the dramatic fist clench.  The gay judge compares it to a poem.  Not any specific poem, just a poem.  The lady judge says “Ricki Lake is on FIIIII-YO!”  It just got stree in here.  The old judge congratulates the pro on a great routine and Ricki on dancing it so well.

My score: Ricki dance like poem.  Me like.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Cha Cha
Hope’s most memorable year was also this year because of the Women’s World Cup.  In case you weren’t paying attention, they lost the final to Japan.  This was the first time she realized sports aren’t always about winning.  Only losers say that.  She’ll be dancing to “Tonight” by Enrique Iglesias.  Maks struggles with getting her to dance sexy and does this by calling her “a big girl.”  Had he ever met a woman before this show?

Hope’s interpretation of sexy involves constant and overstated pouty lips.  The lady judge and gay judge agree that she needs to work on her sexy walk.  Walk?  How about the dance?  The old judge thought the routine was too provocative but her best dance so far.  I thought it was weird and Curtis Painter is terrible.

My score: Being sexy and dancing sexy are two very different things.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Rhumba
Everyone’s most memorable year was this past year.  His marriage fell apart and he drank too much.  I wish one of the “stars” would have said that Dancing With the Stars is their most memorable part of the year and gotten all meta on us.  Anyway, he’s better now and loves his daughter and stuff.  He’ll be dancing to “Ooh Child.”

We really don’t need to see David Arquette’s bare chest.  We’d much rather see Kym Johnson’s bare chest.  Instead, we get to see her in a trumped up bathing suit.  This band manages to butcher songs that are tailor made for them.  The old judge thought he did a great job and says it’s the best dance he’s done.  The gay judge says he brought “vulnerability and sensitivity.”  The lady judge says, “Very nice comeback.”

My score: Open your mouth when you speak.

This week we will be without Metta World Peace.  You say, “Yes, there are several wars raging throughout the world.”  I say, “No, that’s what Ron Artest is now calling himself.”  He won’t regret that change, nor will I regret that he went home.

This week the cast will be doing Quicksteps and Jives.  I guess there are still too many contestants for theme weeks but I absolutely cannot wait for Adult Diaper Week.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Jive
Hope is still playing soccer—she took “don’t quit your day job” to heart.  Maks goes to one of her games and we see her goalie-ing like crazy.  The Canadians can’t get anything past her.  Once she’s done with soccer, she’s going directly to dance practice.  This is the first season that Maks isn’t actively trying to sleep with his partner.  I’m not sure why.

You should see her pants.

Hello.  Did I mention that she’s sexy?  They dress her in a half top and some super tight pants.  I now know things about Hope Solo that only her doctor knows.  The old judge says, “It was booyakachaka.”  Yes, he said that word and flashed some sort of gang symbol.  Everyone over 60 just turned off their TVs.  The gay judge tells her that her power is not enough and that she needs more practice.  The lady judge says that she’s fun and flirtatious but she needs more polish.  At least they laid off the strong woman = bad dancer crap they were spouting last week.  Even though it was thoroughly covered in the practice clips, Brooke asks, “What is it like switching between soccer and dancing?”  Brooke, what is it like switching between shoe commercials and asking the dumbest questions of all time?

My score: Seriously, don’t quit your day job.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Quickstep
During rehearsal she wears a shirt that reads, “Vote for Kristin and Mark.”  Is that to remind herself?  Brooke begs us to vote every three seconds, I don’t think we need more reminders.  They’re not even attempting to remind us why these people may or may not be famous.

They dress her up like Marilyn Monroe if Marilyn Monroe could eat New York City in one bite.  As usual, Mark goes a little nuts.  The gay judge says, “I’ve been bedazzled by the blond bombshell.”  No, you’ve been bedazzled by your stylist.  The lady judge loved it.  The old judge tells her she looks fantastic but the dance wasn’t as good as she looks.  I bet he’s great on dates, “You’re sexy but awful.”

My score: Maybe his stylist is a blond bombshell.

David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Jive
David fancies himself “silly and complicated.”  At one point, he thinks they’ve got it but Kym tells him it was terrible.  He’s shocked.  Why does he dress like a newsie for rehearsals?

He’s wearing a gold suit.  Kym is wearing very little.  I approve.  You know how kids dance when they think they are actually doing dance steps?  Yep, that’s what David is doing.  Pretty sure his daughter could have done better.  In fact, his daughter looks at him after the dance like, “I could have done better.”  The lady judge says he’s very enthusiastic but he almost lost control.  Almost?  I’d say “completely.”  The old judge says, “Is it time for Castle?  Any time that was a Jive was purely by coincidence.”  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  The old judge is clearly out to prove a point tonight.  That point is, “I’m sick of watching these hacks murder dance.”

My score: Murder Dance.  Next, on Castle.

Elisabetta Canales and Val Chmerkovskiy — Quickstep
During rehearsal she’s clearly frustrated and Val calls her out for not wanting to be there.  We are then treated to the standard fight where the contestant thinks the pro is treating her like shit and the pro thinks that she’s not trying.  This show recycles storylines like oil companies raise prices.  In the end Elisabetta comes off looking worse than BP.

Val decided to choreograph a dance that has her standing around more she’s dancing.  It works.  The old judge, “It’s not great but it was better than last week.”  The gay judge loves it but it’s because they are both Italian.  The lady judge thinks that she nailed it.  Brooke asks, “You looked surprised when you were safe last week, what was the deal with that?”  Elisabetta replies, “I am happy.  I am sorry.  I have dancing.”  Or something.

My score: We have to know who you are before we’ll tolerate you being a bitch.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Jive
During rehearsal, Rob has a moment where he realizes that he’s bad at dancing and he nearly breaks down in tears.  Nope.  Not buying it.  No way I’m I ever going to feel sorry for a Kardashian.  I don’t care if that tiny little dog in his purse gets eaten by a dinosaur, I feel no sympathy.  No one in that family deserves any of my energy.

Rob spends the whole dance looking like he’s afraid of touching his partner.  Cheryl has dumbed this dance way down.  The gay judge says that “he’s starting to find his own voice.”  I think he’s judging the wrong competition.  The lady judge says, “It’s official, Rob Kardashian is a better dancer than Kim Kardashian.”  Yes, but everyone is a better dancer than Kim Kardashian.  The old judge says it was a great improvement.  When Brooke asks, “Where’s the lack of confidence coming from?” Rob says, “It’s not my thing to go out there in front of people and look people in the eyes and things.”  Communication ain’t your thing?  Thank god you can just ride your sisters’ coattails.

My score: Hatedashian.

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Quickstep
Carson thinks this might be his dance until he actually starts dancing.  The rehearsal clips make him look comically bad and not in a way that makes you think he’ll pull it together for the performance.

They shoot the beginning of the dance in black and white because someone must have just figured out how to work the “effects” button.  When the color comes back on, they are dressed in blinding colors.  He dances with his mouth open the whole time like he’s waiting for Anna to jump in.  The dance is awkward and he messes up several times.  The lady judge says, “I saw improvement but she’s not sure what happened to it in the dance.”  So did you see improvement or not?  The old judge says, “If I held a knife and fork like you held Anna, I’d starve to death.  The trouble is that the worst dancers are the most fun to watch.”  See what I mean?  This dude is angry today.  The gay judge just insults their clothes.

My score: One raging old guy.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Jive
Ricki mentions Kirstie Alley again.  Seriously, are they buddies?  Lovers?  What is the deal with these two?  Is it weird that she seems the most well adjusted of the group?

The wardrobe department has decided that Pepto-Bismol is her color.  They do a super crazy dance that feels like it should belong somewhere in Week 6.  Trust me, I know these things now.  The crowd goes wild.  The old judge likes that she attacked it and it was an improvement on last week.  The gay judge says that she’s the first one to do the kicks and flicks correctly, then adds, “And you got to sit on Derek as well.”  The lady judge says, “Best job of the night so far.”

My score: Pepto Queen!

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Quickstep
Chaz’s knees hurt.  Also, his knees really hurt.  Also, he’s afraid that his kneecap is going to explode and fly across the room.  Also, he’s got severe pain in his… Oh, Christ, just shut up and dance you whiny little man.

You didn’t accidentally hit the slow-mo button on your TiVo, folks.  This is Chaz dancing at full speed.  The gay judge says, “It was like watching a little Ewok dancing with Princess Leia.”  The lady judge says that she could see him in pain.  The old judge says that he like his grit and determination but that “it was the quickstep and I move faster through the car wash.”  Chaz says he wants to stick around but this horse has a broken leg.  Time to put him down.

My score: *blows out knee*

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Jive
Tony spends most of the rehearsal time teaching Chynna left and right.  When she screws up she says “fudge.”  Eventually, she gets so frustrated she swears and says, “I’m just going to have to start cursing.  Sorry, Jesus, but I have to curse.”  Yes, because there’s a discernible difference in the intent behind “fudge” and “fuck.”

Chaz did his dance at half speed but Chynna is doing her dance half assed.  She’s trying to make up for it with her face.  The lady judge asks Chynna if she is injured because she danced scared.  The old judge says it was a “polite jive.”  The gay judge says that there’s a sexy siren that is trying to come out because the problem is always that it’s not sexy enough.  Brooke asks, “How’s your relationship with Tony?”  Chynna says, “It’s great.  I can’t express it in words.”  How about, “It’s great?”

My score: Do they let people drop out of fifth grade?

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Quickstep

It's DWTS Nipple Lady!

She looks completely baffled the entire time she’s rehearsing.  Maybe she’s also trying to figure out who the hell she is.  Is she a real-life character from one of those serious comic strips?  When Tristan asks her to show him the dance, she just says “no” over and over and then refuses to dance.  He walks out.  For someone that nobody knows, she’s delightful.

Yikes.  Brown is not her color.  Also, her boob pops out of her dress and the camera cuts away to a large section of the crowd sitting motionless.  The old judge liked that they did a proper quickstep.  The gay judge liked it but probably because he saw her nipple.  The lady judge picks a fight with the old judge because she wants more razzmatazz.  Dancing With the Stars, where razzmatazz is a hot-button issue.

Also, fuck these super loud commercials.

My score: I know who she is!  She’s that lady who exposed her nipple on Dancing With the Stars.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Jive
No one will be using the phrase “burning up the dance floor” to describe his dancing, but not because he’s a bad dancer.  He’s worried that he’s the least well known of the contestants so he has to work harder.  He’s the underdog.  Right, because a wounded veteran needs to play the underdog card.

They use Instagram to shoot the beginning of their dance.  He is by far the best dancer.  It’s not even close.  He’s the only one that looks like he knows what he’s doing.  Can we just eliminate everyone but him and Ricki Lake and call it a season?  Seriously, the rest of the dancers should be ashamed.  He’s a better person and a better dancer.  The gay judge calls it the “most satisfying performance of the night.”  The lady judge is pissed that they did a lift but loved it otherwise.  The old judge didn’t like it because it was a Lindy Hop instead of a Jive.  Wow, someone pooped in his Cheerios this morning.

My score: Seriously, let’s end this.

It’s safe to assume that the “Stars” in “Dancing With the Stars” now refers to the dance pros on the show.  They are easily more famous than each and every one of the stars this season.

Oh god.  Brooke Burke is back.  Why hasn’t she been fired yet?  She’s the only person worse at her job than Congress.  She’s now calling herself Brooke Burke Sharvey or something.  No one seems to care.  Everyone keeps calling her Brooke Burke.  Tom Bergeron is calling this cast the “most talked about cast ever.”  By whom?  I demand to know who was talking about these losers.  They need to be hunted down and locked in Canadian jail.

Ron Artest and Peta Murgatroyd — Cha Cha
Ron won an NBA championship with the Lakers but he’s best known for beating up fans in Detroit and ruining the best chance my Indiana Pacers ever had at winning a championship.  He will never be forgiven — especially now that he’s doing a bad Dennis Rodman impression.  His partner knows that she won’t be on the show long.

The costume department apparently can’t tell the difference between Ron and Dennis Rodman.  Thank you for completing his fantasy.  You know how old people lean forward when they walk because their backs hurt?  That’s how Ron dances.  After the only dance of the season, I’m confident that he will be going home first.  The old judge thought it was “all sizzle, no sausage.”  The gay judge used the phrase “length of bone.”  The lady judge said, “Now we know who the wild one is going to be.”  Really?  Did we not know he would be wild?  In the backstage interview, Ron wastes no time making creepy comments about Brooke Burke.  Are we sure this isn’t Dennis Rodman?

My score: I hate you, Ron Artest.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Viennese Waltz
He’s a fucking Kardashian.  His job is to chase fame wherever it isn’t.  During practice, he keeps trying to put his partner in her place because “she’s his

Nice 'stache, douche.

woman.”  Good to see that living with about fifteen women hasn’t taught him to respect them at all.  At one point he asks, “Do you feel like you’re with a man?”  She says, “I feel like I’m with a boy.”  He then stomps his feet and says, “Don’t say that!”

The gay judge thinks he’s stiff and scared.  The lady judge thinks he has potential, but she also has a crush on every male contestant.  At one point one of his 23 sisters shouts something from the audience because she can’t stand not being on camera.  The old judge was “not impressed but not depressed.”  Not one of his sisters could bother to tell him that his mustache makes him look like a pedophile?  Really?

My score: Kardouchian.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Cha Cha
The first thing she says is, “I’m not a bitch.”  If you have to say it…  She talks about her engagement and breakup with Jay Cutler but she doesn’t mention him by name.  It turns out she was on a TV show before she dated Cutler.  I thought she was famous because she dated a famous quarterback.  Go figured.  Mark spends the entire rehearsal time trying to get her to shake her ass.

I forgot.  This is the guy that always makes every routine about him.  They dress Kristin all sexy and he just kinda flails around her.  Also, her mouth is enormous.  Her mouth could swallow two Julia Roberts mouths.  The lady judge is excited by her potential.  The old judge is disappointed that she didn’t give the same energy for the performance as she did in the rehearsal clip.  The gay judge gets all sexy talky and then he actually gives her dancing notes.  Weird.

My score: Tony Romo is single.

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Viennese Waltz
She’s married to Billy Baldwin?  Why would he marry a professional wrestler?  Wait, she’s a singer?  Who?  She was in a band with a beach ball?  What?  Are we sure she’s not that professional wrestler?  When I Googled her the Internet laughed at me.  The only interesting part of her rehearsal is when she kicks her partner in the nuts.  She looks awful in rehearsal so she’ll absolutely nail this.

It is boring as hell, so she totally nailed it.  The old judge said it wasn’t the best dance he’s ever seen but it’s real close.  The gay judge loved it and then babbled in his own personal language.  The lady judge got a lady boner.  Instead of talking to Chynna and Tony, Brooke spends most of the interview promoting tomorrow’s show.

My score: I’ll be on the show next season.

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Cha Cha
She’s that southern lady who cooks everything in butter, right?  No?  Is she the lady from Chicago’s channel 5 News, Allison Rosati?  No?  I don’t think I’d recognize Rosati without shoulder pads.  Is she Drew Barrymore?  No?  I have no idea who this person is supposed to be.  Tristan is Irish and Nancy pretends to not understand what he means when he says, “Not the second but the third.”  In his brogue, “third” comes out like “turd.”  Xenophobic much, Nancy?

The gay judge wastes no time making a comment about her boobs.  He says that she’s got the moves but doesn’t believe in herself.  The lady judge picks on her for forgetting her choreography.  The old judge says it was “underwhelming.”  I’m still trying to figure out who the hell she is.

My score: Delta Burke?  Is she Delta Burke?

David Arquette and Kym Johnson —  Viennese Waltz
I know this guy!  He was married to David Schwimmer, right?  He talks about being sober and how he’s “really into being present.”  Yes, I’m also really into existence.  He says, “I’m going to do my best impression of a person doing a Viennese Waltz.”  Why not just do the Viennese Waltz?

They dance to Queen.  Kym looks great but she’s way too covered up.  The lady judge says he got lost in the dance.  She really likes him (surprise!) and tells him to relax a little.  The old judge likes that they went straight into the dance with “no mucking around at the beginning.”  The gay judge compares dancing to acting and does it without saying something sexual.  Brooke asks him, “What does little Coco think of you being on this show?”  The better question is: Why did you name your child after a monkey?

My score: I’m naming my next child Grape Ape.

Elisabetta Canales and Val Chmerkovskiy — Cha Cha
Elisabetta is famous for dating George Clooney.  She says, “Dancing With the Stars is a dream come true, to work in the U.S.”  Getting a job in the U.S. is many people’s dream right now.  Val is Maks little brother so there’s going to be an annoying subplot that Brooke can harp on all season.  They rehearsal clip focuses exclusively on Elisabetta’s hips.  Her sexy, sexy hips.

They dance to a Katy Perry song.  You know, one of the litany of terrible ones.  They start the dance in a bed which the old judge is going to hate.  You know how you see those 5 year old pageant girls that try to do adult dance moves?  That’s how Elisabetta dances.  The old judge hates everything about it.  The gay judge says, “You’re very good in bed, Elisabetta and you’re very good when handled by a man.”  The lady judge thought she was good when dancing with her partner but awful by herself.  I’m sure those comments won’t prey on her daddy issues at all.

My score: Ladies, men are the only thing that give you worth.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Viennese Waltz
I know her, too!  She’s the goalie for the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team.  They spend the entire rehearsal clip trying to make her look “girly.”  Eff that.  She’s sexy.  Athletes are sexy — especially soccer players.  I had a crush on the entire women’s soccer team when I was in college.  They’re going to keep making jokes about how strong she is, aren’t they?  As a daughter having parent, this makes me angry.

She’s a little stiff, but so am I.  The gay judge likes her musicality but tells her she needs to work on her something.  I can barely understand him.  Xenophobic much, Jeff?  The lady judge is impressed by “the body contact.”  What?  Things keep getting sexier.  The old judge likes what he saw and she just needs to be a little more fluid.  The gay judge hits on her partner.

My score: Will you be my second wife?

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Cha Cha

Made for this show.

I would say that they are trying to make him seem even gayer than he already is but I don’t think that’s possible.  I hope he’s a good dancer because he’ll be the only interesting character on this show.  Though, we don’t need to see him shout for more glitter anymore.  So help me, that better not become the “punch for America” quote of this show.

Remember that awful brown everyone wore in the ‘70s?  That’s what they are both wearing.  The lady judge says that it’s her favorite dance of the night but that he wasn’t technically sound.  The old man says there were elements of swagger and stagger but that it was fun.  The gay judge says it’s “full out outrageous fun.”  Brook asks Carson an awful question and he pulls her out of the fire by giving a fantastic answer.  He’s just good enough to keep Brooke from getting fired.

My score: Two glitter cannons.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Viennese Waltz
J.R. Is an actor on a soap opera and a war veteran who was badly burned in Iraq.  Whether he’s good or not, he’s going to be around for a while.  There isn’t an American that casts a vote for this show that won’t throw one the way of a wounded and disfigured vet.  Like most people who have been through something horrible, he’s relentlessly positive which makes us all feel stupid for bitching about our boring jobs.

He’s pretty good.  The old judge says it was just right and he was right up there with the best performances of the night.  The gay judges loves his hips but he needs a little bit of polish.  The lady judge says she was touched and she likes his confidence.  It takes confidence to pull off a burnt face every single day of your life.  Brooke asks, “Did you ever imagine when you were in Iraq that you’d end up in a ballroom dancing here?”  He responds with, “Yes, of course.”  I like this guy for calling out a stupid, stupid question.

My score: +1 for the Burke smack.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Viennese Waltz
She was inspired to do this by Kirstie Alley.  They are drinking buddies, right?  I suddenly can’t imagine that Ricki Lake and Kirstie Alley don’t hang out all the time.  I’m pretty sure they are roommates.  She is this season’s Kirstie Alley.

Have you ever taken Pepto Bismol and then thrown it up later?  That’s the color of the dress she’s wearing.  The gay judge and lady judge love her dance.  The old judge decides to get “picky, Ricki” but he likes it overall.

My score: Next week she loses her shoe.

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Cha Cha
He explains what transgender means to everyone.  If you don’t know, I hate you.  He works hard and struggles a bit with his weight and because he’s older but mostly he’s just boring.

Chaz is transgender but his partner looks like a transvestite.  Between the über-blond hair and really overdone spray tan, she looks ridiculous.  The lady judge loves it and thought he had great energy.  The old judge liked his energy, too.  That’s what they say when they don’t like it but are afraid to critique you, right?  The gay judge says that he was cuddly and cute.

My score: Boring.

Can you believe it’s coming to an end?  How will we survive without Michael’s whining and misplaced rage?  How will we feel better about ourselves when we can’t see Vienna be a raging psychopath?  What will we do?  Oh, that’s right.  Dancing With People starts next week.

This week our crew of whiny brats will be heading to Las Vegas for their final challenge.

The Challenge — Cirque du Soleil
They walk into a huge theater and the stage floor rotates to create a giant wall on the stage.  Seems like they could have just built a wall, but what do I know

Your challenge, if you choose to accept it.

about production values?  Chris Harrison magically appears from the mist to tell them that for the final challenge they will be suspended on the wall over 100 feet in the air.  They have to learn a Cirque du Soleil routine and perform it on the wall.  The top couple gets a spot in the finals, the last place group goes home.  There will be judges who decide the competition.  Everyone is freaking out.

Their routine is one minute long.  50 seconds are already choreographed and they have to improvise for 10 seconds of the routine.  Kasey and Vienna immediately start fighting about their 10 seconds.  Holly and Michael are just awkward.  Graham is very afraid of heights but Michelle claims she’s not nervous even though she gets sick to her stomach.  Ella is completely freaked out to the point where I’m not sure if she’s going to do it or not.

Guess what?  Michael is being a whiny little bitch.

Guess what else?  Watching everyone practice their routines is boring as shit.  Everyone stays up all night to practice except Kasey and Vienna who snooze the night away in bed.  Did someone forget to tell them the story of the tortoise and hare as children?

The judges are all previous Bachelors and Bachelorettes.  Trista, Jason and Alli.  Not sure what their qualifications are, but whatever.

Graham and Michelle go first.  They kiss before they get onto the wall.  For their improvised section they lock hands and do and arm wave, then they do a weird handshake while they dangle in the air.  They do it all very, very slowly.  It’s pretty terrible.

Kirk and Ella are completely out of sync and it’s clear they are trying to get through it as quickly as possible.  Ella looks lost.  They’re even worse than Graham and Michelle.

Surprise, surprise, Kasey is confident even though he’s never won a challenge.  He says, “I’m a survivor, a dreamer, a believer.”  Where does he get this shit?  Unfortunately, they are actually really good.  They zoom up to the top and then Vienna elbows Kasey and he falls.  How apropos.

Holly and Michael are also very good.  At the top, Michael falls and Holly chases after him.  Then Michael does some spins and cartwheels.  The judges are gushing.

Holly and Michael are declared the winners.  They have secured their spot in the final and they get to choose the couple that will join them in the final four.  Kirk and Ella are the losers and they are immediately sent home.  Ella breaks down.  She apologizes over and over to Kirk.  Her dream of not working for the money to buy a home for her child has been shattered.

Back at the House
Holly and Michael have to choose between Kasey and Vienna and Graham and Michelle.  They decide to talk to Kasey and Vienna first.  Kasey tries to convince them that Holly and Michael will definitely win if they choose them.  As soon as Holly and Michael leave, Vienna starts berating Kasey for talking too much.  Kasey doesn’t say a word and just walks off to have a beer alone.  When Vienna finds him he says, “I don’t want to hear anything you say.  It’s all negative.”  She thinks that she knows exactly how to play Holly and Michael and that Kasey screwed it up.  Because she never screws anything up — except for her entire life.

Holly and Michael then go to talk to Graham and Michelle.  Michael tells them that they think that they would win if they were in the finals with Kasey and Vienna and they think they would lose if they were in the final with Graham and Michelle.  Graham gets pissed and says that, “It’s not about money.”  No, this is definitely about money, dumbass.  He feels betrayed by Michael because he thought they were bros.  Then he gets all loud and shouty and Michelle has to talk him down.

The Rose Ceremony
Holly and Michael give a long meaningless speech about selfishness and selflessness.  Annoying as shit.  It would have been much better if Michael had just cried the whole time.  They choose Graham and Michelle to go to the finals because they are the closest to Holly and Michael.  It took the entire show for someone to get smart and send Kasey and Vienna home.  Vienna breaks down in the car and says to Kasey, “You’re the reason we’re here right now.  I’m really upset because my perfect rose record was broken.”  Kasey calls Holly and Michael selfish.  At least they can feel good that they handled everything with class.

The Finale Show
Brace yourselves for two hours of reliving the entire season.

When Chris introduces each of the cast members, the audience cheers loudly for everyone but Kasey and Vienna.  They even cheer for Jake.  Jackie announces that she and Ames are not together and she doesn’t know why they didn’t work.  Ames just didn’t feel it and it’s clear he feels terrible about it.  He won’t even look at Jackie.  Jackie admits that she couldn’t get out of bed for a week.  Time to see someone, girl.  That’s depression.  Isn’t it perfect, though?  It’s exactly how every Bachelor/ette relationship ends.

When asked about Kasey and Vienna, Gia says that Kasey formed an alliance that couldn’t be broken.  William calls out Kasey and Vienna for being a fake “power couple” because they never won a competition.  Jake reiterates that he just wanted closure, not the money.  Vienna claims that there was closure and that it was behind her, but Chris calls her out for not being nicer to Jake.  When she says she was nice to Jake the audience laughs.  Chris piles on by saying that she worked really hard to poison everyone else on Jake.  Kirk said that people would have been more willing to take her side if she had admitted that she might have had a little to do with the breakup as well.  The audience cheers.  Vienna pouts.  I put a gun in my mouth.

When Jake takes the hot seat, we’re treated to clips of him trying to be nice to Vienna and Vienna being awful to him.  What would a Bachelor Pad be without seeing Kasey’s Punch for America quote?  The studio is silent after the clips.  Jake apologizes again to Vienna for losing his cool with her on the breakup special.  Vienna tries to convince everyone that they didn’t fight the whole time and she makes some strange statement about how they played charades and Jake fell off a chair, then she laughs.  Crickets.  She claims that we didn’t see the majority of the time in the house when it was not hostile.  Erica says that it was hostile.  You get it, right?  She’s completely delusional.  When Jake calls out Kasey for the “punch for America,” Kasey immediately apologizes for mistreating him and being a jerk.  Jake and Kasey shake hands and hug.  Vienna pouts and tries to kill Kasey with her eyes.

It’s Kasey’s turn in the hot seat.  Chris calls him the “ringleader.”  Kasey’s clip package is all shots of him being cocky and an asshole and everyone talking about how terrible he and Vienna are for each other.  Kasey looks genuinely upset after watching the clips.  In response to Justin calling him Kermit and Vienna Miss Piggy, he admits that he has a speech impediment and that’s why he talks funny.  He still sounds like Kermit.  He apologizes for being an ass on the show.  He tells Chris that he doesn’t want to have the relationship that he saw on the show.  Chris asks Vienna what it’s like to see this and she blames it on being a woman.  Really?  Most women I know aren’t batshit crazy.  She says, “It’s not easy to have America seeing this and judging you,” while Jake nods his head vigorously.  William tells Kasey that if they were friends, he would tell them that they do not have a healthy relationship.  Unfortunately, William has no friends.

Blake takes the hot seat and Chris immediately begins discussing the situation with Melissa.  Instead of just apologizing he gives some lame excuse and tries to justify the whole thing.  For the record, I don’t think he needs to apologize but it would serve to make Melissa look even more crazy which I’m all for.  Melissa claims that she would have been fine with just being partners and not a couple.  She claims that her reaction to his date with Holly did not involve any jealousy at all but that she was pissed about the game.  Everyone rolls their eyes.  Chris gives Blake a chance to gush about Holly for a while and he says that she’s going to move to South Carolina to be with him.  They cut to a clip of him proposing to Holly.  She says yes.  The crowd goes wild.  Jackie looks pissed and disgusted.  Melissa looks surprisingly happy.  I hope someone checked her for knives.

The Final Four Contestants — Graham and Michelle, Michael and Holly
Michael doesn’t know that Blake and Holly are engaged.  This is the first thing Chris brings it up.  Holly tells him.  Michael looks shocked and says, “Right here?”  He fumbles around and asks for a commercial break.  He calls out Blake for not letting him know.  Really?  That’s Blake’s fault?  He’s pissed and very passive-aggressive with his congratulations.  He’s clearly shocked and surprised and I don’t feel sorry for him at all.  Not one bit.  Maybe he’ll finally end it.  His life, I mean.

Graham and Michelle spend the whole time talking about her dead dad.  They’re working hard for the sympathy vote.  Graham is sporting a bow tie.  That’s why I’d vote for him.

Chris gives the cast a chance to ask some final questions of the couples.  Justin asks Holly what she added to the partnership since Michael won all the challenges.  Michael answers for her and says that she stuck by him through the whole thing and nailed the wall challenge.  Erica says that she likes what Graham and Michelle plan to do with the money but she thought that Michael earned it by actually winning challenges.

Blake calls out Graham and Michelle’s “no drama” policy by saying, “Your strategy was to leave the room.  Do you think that earns you the victory?”  Graham flat out tells him, “I’m not a big fan of yours. But that was our strategy and I’m not even going to try to sway you.”  Wait, why does Graham hate Blake?  Seriously, I really don’t get it.  Kasey asks both couples why they think they deserve the money more than the other.  They refuse to answer and just say that they are lucky to be there.  You’re not running for office.  Answer the damn question.

The couples need eight votes to move on to the next round.  The votes:

Jake — Holly and Michael

Vienna — Michelle and Graham

Kasey — Michelle and Graham

Blake — Holly and Michael

Erica — Holly and Michael

Melissa — Michelle and Graham

William — Michelle and Graham

Jackie — Holly and Michael

Ames — Holly and Michael

Justin — Holly and Michael

Winner, winner, chicken dinner.

Ella — Holly and Michael

Gia — Holly and Michael

Now it’s between Holly and Michael for the $250,000.  They are sent to two different rooms.  Each room has a “Keep” and “Share” sign.  If they both choose Share, they split the money.  If one chooses share and one chooses keep, the person who chooses keep gets all the money.  If they both choose keep, the rest of the cast splits the money.  Chris asks the cast what they think and it’s the biggest fucking waste of time all season.  That’s saying a lot.  Holly and Michael are escorted back on stage like they are prisoners.  Chris asks Michael, “Can you trust Holly?” Michael says, “Yeah, that’s the really big question.”  Holly chooses share because she always makes the easy choice.  Michael could redeem himself in my eyes if he chooses keep but instead he chooses share because he somehow thinks that he might still win her over.  Michael just helped Holly and Blake pay for their wedding.

They spend the next fifteen minutes announcing the new Bachelor.  I couldn’t give a shit.  I’ve got the worst television show in America to focus on, Dancing with People.

The folks at the Bachelor Pad have decided that we give a shit about Michael and Holly so get ready for a big dose of the whiniest man on the planet.  Has no one ever told him that loving someone does not entitle you to be with that person?  Hold on to your seats.  You’re about to fall off of them from boredom.

Blake is relieved that Melissa is gone and he wants to end up with Holly.  They are all about to go to bed when Chris comes in and tells them that they will be competing as a couple from this point forward and that it would be wise to get to know each other.  Holly wants to be Blake’s partner but she’s sticking with Michael because she made him a promise.  Blake and Erica end up as partners.  Erica thinks this is the best thing for him, because she thinks she’s way smarter and way prettier than Holly.  I’m not sure where in the world this would be true.

While the couples try to learn as much as possible about each other, Kasey and Vienna go straight to bed because they are confident they will win.  Famous last naps.

The Challenge — The Nearlywed Game
It’s exactly like the Newlywed Game only with a lot more douche.  The winners get a rose and a date, the second place couple also gets a date.

Blake and Erica get off to a fast start and they are tied for the lead with Michelle and Graham.  Kasey and Vienna are comically bad.  When Chris asks,

The overconfident couple.

“What feature do your exes miss the most,” Vienna gave the answer of “boobs” but Kasey answered “teeth.”  Teeth?  They’re being terrible on purpose, right?

When people are asked anything negative, they all answer Blake.  I’m still not entirely clear what horrible thing he has done to each of them.  I understand why Michael has a beef even though I don’t think it’s legitimate.  The rest of them?  I don’t get it.

When Erica is asked who Blake would sleep with if he could sleep with anyone else in the house, she correctly responds, “Holly.”  We get the obligatory shot of Michael pouting.  Holly is asked the same question and she answers, “Blake.”  Michael guesses himself because he’s a fucking psychopath.

When the couples are asked how old they were when they lost their virginity and Graham answers 7 and Michelle guesses correctly, everyone realizes that Graham and Michelle worked out a system.  Any questions that require a number they answer 7.  Any questions that require a non-gender specific cast member, they answer Michael.  Any questions that require a girl cast member, they answer Holly.  Even with this plan, Michelle still screws it up but they still win because Erica is confused by a very simple question.

Graham and Michelle win the roses.  Blake and Erica win a date.

Blake is resigned to the fact that he’s going home and he’s decided to just have fun.  Holly immediately begins flirting with him.  When Erica asks Michael if it bugs him he says, “He’s not a good dude.”  Erica tries to explain to him that his anger is misplaced because “it takes two to tango.”  Yet, Michael is still pissed at Blake and not at all at Holly because of some kind of “Guy Code.”

A quick note on “The Guy Code.”  It’s bullshit.  The people who adhere to it have no idea what life is like with a wife you love and enjoy.  It also assumes that men are the only people who make decisions about who can love who.  If you invoke “The Guy Code” you are a retarded fool who knows nothing about how life works.

Graham and Michelle’s Date
Michelle and Graham’s date starts with Helicopter.  Oh, Helicopter.  It’s good to see you again.  I know you’ve moved on, but it’s still nice to see you.  I wish you all the happiness in the world.  Do me a favor, if Michael climbs in you, crash.  Thanks.

Helicopter lands on the roof of a building in downtown L.A.  They are suddenly transported to a gigantic hot tub where they will be screening the movie What’s Your Number.  For us, the date turns into a promo for the movie.  When the strip HORSE scene happens in the movie, Michelle and Graham make out.  They are both totally in love, or at least in boner and lady boner.

Back in the House…
Kasey and Vienna begin fighting because he ripped a ring off her finger because she wouldn’t have sex with him.  Yeah, it doesn’t make any sense to me, either.  During the fight, he tells the cameras that she’s completely different in front of the cameras.  Eventually he talks her into some hate cuddling.

Everyone talks trash about Blake while he’s on his date.  Holly sits silently and wishes she was wearing cuter shoes.

Michael steals Holly away for another sad, pitiful moment.  I get that you have to go after what you want, but she’s shot you down every single time.  At some point this becomes assault.

Holly talks with Ella about Blake and Michael.  She tells Ella about how Michael just walked away when she loved him the most.  She talks about how great her date was with Blake.  These are all things we all know.  This show things we’re all stupid.

Blake and Erica’s Date
Their date card reads, “Your mission is romance.”  Holly is jealous and Erica is upset that Blake is flirting with Holly.  Everyone is miserable!  Yay!  Erica makes everyone leave so she can tell Blake that she’s not happy with their situation.  She tries to win him over to her side by getting him to agree to try to send Michael home.  Her true plan is to seduce Blake on the date.  For someone who professes to be smart, she has an unreasonable understanding of her beauty and seductive powers.

There are only tears behind that smile.

She puts on her tiara and grabs her sexy lingerie and does not hide her plans to sleep with him.  Before the date, Holly parades around in a bikini to remind Blake of what he’s missing.

Blake and Erica go to the Mission Inn.  While exploring the catacombs Erica mentions to Blake that she converses with her dead friends and that she has an astrologer.  You know, for credibility reasons.  Blake just looks awkward the whole time.

When they sit down for dinner there are two roses on the table.  Erica and Blake are to award another couple with the roses to save them from elimination.  They can’t save themselves.  Instead of talking strategy, Erica immediately begins trying to seduce Blake.  She reaches down for his crotch and he pushes her away.  He tries to turn her down as nicely as he can but she’s not having it.  She continues to try to get him to sleep with her and even mentions that she brought “very sexy lingerie.”  I’m not sure why he continues to be nice at this point.  When is he going to realize that she’s his partner and that her fate is tied to his?  He doesn’t have to make friends.  If she tries to screw him, she screws herself.  When Blake finally tells her she’s full of shit, she says, “You’re worried about your reputation and that’s fucked up.”  She’s pissed because he won’t sleep with her.  Did she really think she had a chance?

After the Dates
The next morning Erica acts like nothing happened (which it didn’t, technically) and they decide to move past it.  They approach Ella and Kirk about the roses in the hopes of making a deal to stay in the house.  Blake is hoping Kirk can convince Graham and Michelle to keep them in the house.  When they approach Vienna and Kasey, Kasey immediately tells them to give them the roses because it’s the only way to be safe.  He promises that Graham and Michelle will vote with them.  They buy Kasey’s story and give the roses to Kasey and Vienna because they want to go home.  Yes, let’s give the roses to the least trustworthy people in the house and expect them to keep you around.

Ella breaks down.  Kasey and Vienna gloat.  Kasey immediately wonders if he still wants to help Blake and Erica.  Ella cries to the camera, “I’m trying to raise a nine year old by myself.”  Really?  Who is he with right now?  Is he raising himself?

Chris announces that the women will cast the actual votes once the couples make their decision.

Michael wants Blake gone and goes to Graham to convince him to vote out Blake and Erica.  They agree.  Kasey and Vienna try to use their influence to convince Graham and Michelle to vote for Kirk and Ella but Graham and Michelle won’t budge.  They blindly hate Blake as much as everyone else.  After all the pointless scheming, it comes down to Holly.  Everyone has cast their votes and Holly has the power to save Blake.  Michael tells her that it is completely up to her, but in a “I may cut both of our throats if you don’t vote Blake out” way.

Holly breaks down.  She doesn’t want to hurt Michael, but she doesn’t want to lose Blake, either.  If she sends Blake home, Michael will think that she loves him again.  Time to put the hammer down on that, Holly.  Crush Michael’s heart once and for all.  Please.  He needs to be crushed.

The Rose Ceremony
Holly decides to send Blake home.  Blake is not terribly disappointed to be going home, he’s most upset about leaving Holly.  Before he leaves, Holly gives him a note that reads, “This isn’t the end for us.”  Kasey and Vienna, Kirk and Ella, Graham and Michelle and Michael and Holly remain.

Next week is the season finale.  I can only assume it will be about six hours long.  Ugh.

Finally!  The thrilling conclusion to last week’s episode.  What will Jake do?  Will Kasey punch him in the face?  Will Kasey get confused and punch Chris Harrison in the face?  How will it end?

Chris calls Kasey’s name and after he accepts his rose, he kisses Vienna.  Gross.  When Jake is asked to say his goodbyes he says, “I have a few things.  Even though we had a chance to do something really big, really special.  It just didn’t happen, I think you’re sending the wrong guy home.  I want to encourage everybody that if you want to win you’re going to have to step up and do the right thing.  Start taking out the power couples and you know which ones you need to start with.  Kasey, amazing meeting you.  Vienna, my apologies, my heart forgiven.  See you guys.”  As he gets into the car Kasey says, “Kick rocks, dude.  That just shows who the bigger man is, dude.”  Does he mean literally?  I think he means literally.  They immediately cut to his solo interview where he says, “The devil’s gone.”  Bigger man, indeed.

In the limo Jake says that his goal was to get straight with Vienna and move on, then he adds, “I’m kinda glad to be out of that crazy house.”

Vienna thanks everyone for sending Jake home.  Half of the house nearly pulls a face muscle trying to not roll their eyes.  People seem to be getting fed up with Kasey and Vienna but not so fed up that they will actually vote them off.

Vienna says that her new plan is to keep her and Kasey, Michael and Holly, Graham and Michelle, and Kirk and Ella on the show.  She says, “The rest are expendable.”  Does she understand how the game works?  Everyone else is expendable.  Eight people cannot win the show.

The Challenge — Kissing Contest
Just like last year, everyone has to kiss everyone else.  Each cast member is blindfolded and the cast members of opposite sex take turns kissing that person.  The blindfolded person then votes for the best kisser by the numbers assigned to them.  Vienna says, “Personally, I think it’s a disgusting competition.”  Michelle bows out because of her daughter.  Ella stays in for her son.  Blake stays in for his penis.

Holly is the first blindfolded girl.  All the guys give her a little peck out of respect for Michael.  Blake is the exception.  He spends about ten minutes making

Our new villain.

out with her.  This drives Michael crazy.  We’re all tired of this plot line already, right?

We’re then treated to a montage of Blake making out with each girl.  Afterwards we see a montage of all of the girls changing their panties.

Ella and Erica go all out to win the competition.  Ella seems to know what she is doing.  Erica just seems hungry.  The girls all agree that Kasey has bad breath.  Is this a surprise?

Chris makes it clear that the vote wasn’t even close and that Ella and Blake are the winners.  They will each get to take someone on a romantic one-on-one date.

Ella’s Date
Ella’s date card reads, “Your future is up in the air.”  She chooses Kirk.

A convertible is sitting in the driveway waiting for their date.  They are unreasonably excited about a car they get to drive for an hour, tops.  They have a nice little fireside date which may or may not be on the Bachelor Pad campus.  Kirk tells the story about the moldy house that almost killed him and Ella tells the story about her mom getting shot in front of her.  Shouldn’t they know this already?  All they had to do was watch the premiere.  Kirk now wants to help Ella win.  She gives him the rose and they go outside for a hot air balloon ride.  Kissing ensues.

Normal dates are boring dates.

Back at the house…
Melissa is excited that Blake won the rose and says, “You’re carrying us now.”  There is no doubt in her mind that she is going on the date.

Erica takes Blake out in the back and gives him a massage in the hopes of scoring the date.   While she rubs him down, she tries to convince him to take her on the date.  She does this mostly by talking trash about Melissa.  A sound strategy.  He’s enjoying the massage but clearly thinking about Holly the whole time.

Blake’s Date
Blake gets the date card and says, “The date card says, ‘Love is a slippery slope.”  Melissa blurts out, “We could be going skiing.”  Blake gives a speech about playing the game or something and then chooses Holly for the date.  Melissa says, “That’s fucked up,” and storms out of the room.  No one saw that coming.  Michelle chases after her but says, “Melissa, this is the last time I’m going to help you.”

Cue what feels like 40 minutes of Melissa going crazy.  She yells at Vienna, she yells at Kasey, she yells at Michael and says, “Holly doesn’t give two shits about you.”  After yelling at about six other people, she then she stalks off to find Blake.  Even George W. Bush has to be shocked at how quickly she squandered any goodwill that she might have earned by being wronged by Blake.  Batshit crazy, this one.

In the limo Holly says, “I pretty much hate the house right now and I don’t want to be there.”  Blake replies, “I think the house hates me.”  They head to an airport and get into a private jet.  Holly hopes they are not going skiing because she doesn’t know how to ski or snowboard.  They go skiing and snowboarding.  She crashes all over the place and they laugh the whole time.  Holly declares it the “best date ever,” and says that, “she hasn’t thought about Michael at all.”  Wait.  Didn’t you just think about Michael?  Nevermind.

Back at the house Michael is being a whiny bitch.  There’s no way anyone could watch this and still respect this guy.  Seriously, go to the pool and have Kasey hold you under.  I’m sure he’d be glad to do it.

Blake gives Holly the rose and offers her the chance to stay the night with him at the ski lodge.  She accepts both and they make out.  Michael weeps by the fire.

Guys, this show is really boring.

The next morning, Michael is sitting on the couch by the front door waiting for her to come home.  And you thought he couldn’t get any more pathetic.  He hunts down Holly and asks her about the date.  She tells him she kissed Blake.  Michael responds, “Are you being serious?  I can’t believe you kissed him.  I can’t believe you’d do that to me.  Why did you do that?”  What did she do to you?  YOU dumped HER.  She’s free to do whatever she wants and it has absolutely no bearing on you.  Michael is the guy driving down the expressway with his blinker on.  I’m not a fighter but I want to fight this guy.

Pre-Rose Ceremony
The voting is back to normal.  The Girls will vote off one guy and the guys will vote off one girl.  People try to rally to get Kasey and Vienna sent home.  Once Kasey discovers this he tells people, “This money is necessary for my grandmother to live.”  If your grandmother is in such dire straits, shouldn’t you be with her right now?  William has no chance against the dying grandmother strategy.

Because Michael hates himself, he tries to woo Holly by making his own little date for her by the pool.  They talk about something but I’m too busy trying not to kill my family to pay any attention.

The guys were planning on voting for Vienna but Melissa is so fucking crazy that they really don’t have any other choice.  When she realizes she’s on the way out, she takes it to the next level of crazy which only solidifies the voting bloc against her.  Then everyone but William lies to her face about it.

Of course, she blames Blake.

The Rose Ceremony
William and Melissa go home.  William admits that he’s not good at playing the game and gets a little choked up about leaving.  Melissa just cries and turns away from the camera.  This may have broken her for good.  Fit her for a straightjacket and lock her away.  She’s a danger to herself and others.

Everyone returns to the house on a high from the super romantic exit of Jackie and Ames.  That doesn’t last long.  Blake tries to apologize to Melissa but instead he gets a face full of crazy.  Hard to say he doesn’t deserve it.

Because they think we need a reminder, we also see Kasey talking about how important it is that Jake doesn’t win the competition.

The Challenge — Synchronized Swimming
Prior to discovering what the challenge will be, Jake says, “There are a few things that I’m really blessed with. Mental endurance, physical strength and problem solving.  If it falls into any of those three categories, I think I’ll do well.”  Where does synchronized swimming fit into that trio, Jake?  Vienna is convinced she will win because she was on the swim team in high school.  Is there anything she didn’t do in high school?  Based on her performance in the challenges, her high school teams must have been awful.  The guys will perform together and the girls will perform together.  The best synchronized swimmer will be chosen from each team by judges looking for technical ability, effort and showmanship.

A real live coach comes in to teach each team a routine.  Jake thinks he has an advantage from his stint on Dancing With the Stars and he probably does.  Who knew that Dancing With the Stars experience could actually be useful?  The guys are taking this very seriously.  The girls are a mess.  A hot, sticky, smelly mess.

The ladies come out in bikinis and swim caps adorned with daisies.  The guys are clad in Speedos.  I believe they are also called banana hammocks.  The judges are some lady named Karen who is a gold medal winner in synchronized swimming and Dave and Natalie from last season’s Bachelor Pad.

The ladies go first and look like they are all trying to avoid floating pockets of urine.  Vienna is confident that she’s way better than any of the other girls.  That isn’t saying much.  The girls are awful.  Erica didn’t do anything.  At one point Natalie says, “This is god awful.”

The guys nail it.  Michael and Jake knock it out of the park and we’re treated to Emily mentioning Jake’s large package.  Chris Harrison rightfully apologizes to Karen (the gold medal judge) for what they just did to her sport.

The judges choose Michael and Michelle as the winners.  Vienna says, “I feel very cheated right now.”  Don’t worry, no one else feels your pain.

Michael and Michelle will each choose three people to go on their dates.

Pre-Date Scheming
Roseless, Jake sets his sights on sending Kasey out.  It’s his only chance.  He quickly befriends Erica who is looking to grab a piece of his sizable package.

This guy is super dumb.

They are now focused on sending Kasey home.  After the competition, Vienna is friendly to Jake and Kasey freaks out.  He asks Vienna why she’s so “cordial nice” to him.  Yes, “cordial nice.”  This nonsense quickly devolves into an all-out argument in front of everyone.  Everyone is finally getting sick of Kasey and Vienna’s fighting.  It’s finally beginning to dawn on Kasey that Vienna might be a crazy liar.  In his solo interview Kasey says, “It’s funny, she called Jake a fame whore but she’s more of a fame whore than he is,” and, “I hope the things she told me about Jake are true.”  They retire to the laundry room for more fighting but I don’t have the tolerance to deal with these retards any more.

Michelle’s Date
Michelle chooses Graham, Kasey and Blake.  Blake knows that he needs to turn on the charm and win the rose to save himself from Melissa’s wrath.  They are taken to a vineyard for dinner.  Michelle pulls Blake aside because she wants to let him know that he’s in trouble because she doesn’t think anyone else is smart enough to be able to grasp the obvious.  Kasey is happy to just get out of the house and get away from the drama.  Michelle has a crush on Graham and she “accidentally” tells him so.  Graham tells her he’s interested but that he’s still getting over a breakup.  The best part is when the editors screw up and show him wearing the rose before they show Michelle giving it to him (the rose).

Michael’s Date
Michael chooses Holly because he’s still in love with her and Vienna and Ella because they haven’t been out of the house yet.  The date card reads, “Every rose has its thorn.”  Vienna says, “It could have something to do with every rose has something bad that goes along with it.”  Guys!  Vienna just understood her first metaphor!  Michael decides there will be no talking strategy on the date.

They go horseback riding.  Vienna complains the entire ride.  First it’s the pollution, then it’s the heat, then it’s her helmet, then it’s anything at all.  I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job portraying how awful this girl is.  She is the worst human being on the planet.  She could go toe-to-toe in a psychopath contest with Cersei Lannister (you’re welcome, Game of Thrones fans).

Holly and Michael take some time away and it plays out almost exactly like the last date.  Michael gets all weepy and she remains indifferent.  Thankfully, there is a cliff nearby so he has that option.  Am I the only one concerned for this guy’s safety?  Why do they keep taking him to perfect suicide spots?

Michael gives the rose to Holly.  Surprise, surprise.  Vienna and Ella have to ride the horses back down the hill.  Poor Ella.  Meanwhile, Bret Michaels pulls up in his tour bus to greet Michael and Holly.  Bret asks them about their relationship and then breaks out his guitar and plays “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.”  Uh oh, Vienna may never grasp a metaphor ever again.

Meanwhile…
Back at home, Blake apologizes to Melissa and agrees to be her partner again.

Kasey talks about how hard this has been for him with Jake and Vienna.  Yes, reality TV is hard.  We really feel for you.

Jake resumes his scheming with Erica.  In order to lock down her loyalty he makes out with her which leads her to say, “I definitely have good lips that I maintain with getting injections every six months.”  If you have to maintain them, you don’t have good lips.  A car that is always in the shop is not a good car.

Today happens to be Kasey and Vienna’s six month anniversary.  He presents her with a small box and she blurts out, “I don’t want it to be an engagement ring.”  She left out, “Because this is all an act.”  Kasey responds, “Why would you say that?”  Much to Vienna’s relief, it’s just a promise ring.  Man, this dude is dumb.  He still hasn’t figured out that Vienna doesn’t have a soul.  Instead, he sings her a song.  I can only assume that he was making the song up on the spot because no one would be happy with that as their final draft.  Not even Kasey.

While Jake talks to Melissa, Erica creeps around and spies on them.  Erica then goes to Vienna and tells her about the conversation.  Vienna decides that Melissa is done.  Should it be that easy?  Melissa then tries to convince everyone that she’s telling the truth by going absolutely crazy.  It’s what works best for her.  Erica disappoints me by not doing the evil Mr. Burns hands.

Blake decides that his partnership with Melissa is too stable so he tells her that he wants to be her platonic partner, not a romantic partner.  This drives her right into Jake’s arms.  Why?  I have no idea.  Maybe because Jake is an evil genius.  Melissa wants to give up and go home but Jake convinces her to stay.

Chris Harrison announces that all of the ladies are safe tonight, but one man will be voted off.  Everyone will vote for the one man they want to leave.  Vienna sprints to the room to vote for Jake.  We see a montage of the stalwarts of Vienna’s alliance (Michelle, Holly, Michael) voting for Jake.  Jake and Erica swing into action.  Erica convinces Melissa to vote for Kasey and during their conversation Melissa says, “Vienna is lying about Jake.”  Really?  Is the crazy broad the first one in the house to figure this out?

Kasey is convinced that Jake is going home.  He toasts with “his crew” and thanks them for his loyalty.  Eventually Kasey figures out that Jake is trying to take Kasey out.  William flat out tells Kasey “you’re gone.”  When Kasey finds out that Erica is one of the leaders, he says he’s not worried about her because she’s dumb.  Didn’t Sun Tzu say something about never underestimating your opponents?  Oh wait, Kasey can’t read.  Vienna takes an opportunity to charm Erica by screaming at her.  In the end, it comes down to Kirk’s vote.  Erica and Jake both agree that he’s not very smart but he’s the only chance they have.

The Rose Ceremony
Do they spray down the rose ceremony area?  Why is it always wet?

It’s the closest vote ever on Bachelor Pad.  It’s down to Jake and Kasey.  Cut to Kasey saying that he wants to punch Jake in the mouth “for America.”  Listen Kasey, America would rather see Vienna punched in the face.  Give Chris Brown a call.  Just before the announcement they show Jake saying, “If I leave tonight I’m going to do my absolute best to take some people out with me.”  As soon as Chris announces Kasey’s name to receive a rose it cuts to black.  Did Bachelor Pad just cliffhanger us?  This guarantees that next week’s episode will start with a whimper.

How many times are we going to have to see the clip of Kasey threatening to punch Jake “for America?”  We get it, Kasey and Vienna hate Jake and they think America gives a shit.

As is Bachelor Pad tradition, they open with the aftermath of the previous show’s rose ceremony.  Kasey begins bragging about how “everything is going according to plan.”  Really?  After one elimination your sworn enemy is still on the show.  Was that the plan?

The Challenge — Target On Your Back
They literally paint targets on the back of each contestant.  The men are blindfolded and lined up shoulder to shoulder.  The women then come up one at a time to chuck paint filled eggs at the men.  Each woman is asked a question and they answer by hitting the man who they feel is the best answer to the question.  In order to score a point, she must hit the intended target and the egg must break.  They then flip the whole scenario for the men.

The first question posed to the women is: Who are you least attracted to?  Gia goes first and hits her target, but I couldn’t tell who it was.  Most women take

Everyone's favorite target

aim at William, though Erica hits Kasey and Jackie hits Michael.  Before throwing her first egg, Vienna brags about how she will be really good at this because she played softball.  She misses everyone by a mile.  You can guess who she was aiming for.

The second question is: Who do you feel least deserves the $250,000?  Jackie hits Graham, Melissa hits Ames and Gia hits Kasey but the egg doesn’t break so it doesn’t count.  I guess that 30 pounds of rock hard muscle that Kasey added isn’t enough to break an egg.  Jackie and Melissa are tied for the lead.

The third question is: Who do you want to see go home this week?  We get to see everyone pelt Jake.  Everyone manages to find their aim and land an egg on Jake.  Jake isn’t surprised, but he’s hurt that everyone seems to have the wrong impression of him.  Melissa and Jackie must enter a tiebreaker.

The tiebreaker question is: Who is the dumbest?  If only there was a way to hit them all at once.  Jackie fires and misses William and Melissa nails Graham to win the rose.

Now it’s the men’s turn.  Their first question is: Which of these women are most likely to cheat on you if you were dating?  Jake goes first and rolls his eyes at the question.  Then he fires and nails Vienna.  She acts surprised when she gets hit.  Really?  Have you zero self-awareness, Vienna?  We’ll find out the answer to this question later.  (Spoiler alert: Yes.)  Michael hits Erica and Kasey misses Ella.

The men’s second question is: Who do you want to go home this week?  Blake and Michael hit Erica.  Ames misses Erica and Jake once again targets and hits Vienna.

The final and most painful question is: Who are you least attracted to?  We are then treated to a montage of dudes blasting Erica with eggs.  Jake misses Erica which leaves the door open for Michael to win the competition.  He winds up and wings an egg at Erica nearly as hard as he can.  It splatters with serious force which only adds injury to the insult.  He immediately regrets throwing it so hard.  We are then treated to a paint covered Erica crying to the camera.  Michael wins the rose.

The girls rally to try to comfort Erica.  She says, “It was painful but emotionally it was more painful.”  Then she goes on a rant about how she thinks Ella is the least attractive.  Sorry, sister, you just lost all sympathy with that little rant.  Also, you are clearly the least attractive.  It’s not even close.

Chris Harrison reveals that Michael and Melissa each get to chose three people to go on the dates.  Melissa is stoked.  She says, “This is what it feels like to be the Bachelorette.  I like this.”  Then chills run down everyone’s spine.

Michael’s Date
Michael chooses, Erica, Michelle and Holly.  Erica is a pity choice, he says he wants to get to know Michelle and he says that he had fun while dating Holly, but he’s really still in love with her.

They go to the abandoned and supposedly haunted Linda Vista Hospital.  They are given a map, flashlights and video cameras and they have to make their way through the hospital.  While Michael and Erica attempt to contact a deceased patient from a file they find, Michelle and Holly sit in a lit room and drink wine.  Michelle tells Holly that she thinks that there is still something between her and Michael.  Holly doesn’t really have an answer.  I have a feeling that’s what happens any time she’s asked a question.

Michael and Michelle find a circle of candles set up in the chapel.  Michelle asks him about Holly.  He tells her the story of their broken engagement.  Michelle seems bored at best.  She seems to think that her role on this show is to dispense her infinite wisdom.  She tells him to go talk to Holly.  Genius!

Holly and Michael head to the roof where he gives Holly the rose.  Holly breaks down, “I don’t know what happened between us.  I don’t know why you broke up with me.”  Michael responds, “I don’t know why you broke up with me.”  When she says, “Don’t you feel like we’ve always been just best friends,” he says, “No, I knew I always wanted to marry you and love you.”  Dude, you’re on a roof.  Just jump already.

Did I just see Virgin Mobile run an attack ad on T-Mobile?  That’s like Curtis Painter and Brian Hoyer talking trash before a Colts-Patriots game.  If you don’t know, look it up.

Back at the House
Ames and Jackie are constantly making out.  I’m not even sure they are aware a game is being played.

Vienna spends her time at the house talking trash about Jake, as usual.  For someone who is “in love” with her boyfriend, she sure does spend a lot of time talking about some other dude she used to bone.  I’m impressed by the number of different ways she’s figured out how call Jake an abuser without calling him an abuser.

Jake decides that his best option to save himself is to ask Vienna for help.  She says that she’s not comfortable speaking to him without Kasey.  When Gia tells Vienna that she knows that Jake cares about her and that he’s never said anything bad about her, Vienna’s response is, “Because I’ve never done anything bad to him.”  Surprise, surprise, she completely misses the point.  Meanwhile, you can see the tide beginning to turn against Vienna and Jake is beginning to look like a genius (relatively speaking.)

Melissa’s Date
She chooses Kirk, Kasey and Blake.  Blake says that he “doesn’t want any part of that (meaning Melissa), but there’s $250,000 at stake, sooooo….”  She decides before the date that she will give Kasey the rose if he promises to save her next week.  Blake is planning to turn on the charm and steal that rose.

(Insert crazy here)

Kasey is getting increasingly cocky in his solo interviews.  He’s sold himself on the idea that he’s the mastermind of this show.  While Melissa is off with Kirk, Blake and Kasey talk strategy.  Kasey assures Blake that he has his back.  Blake knows that Kasey is full of shit.  When Melissa shows up and asks how they are doing, Kasey says, “We’re having a yacht of fun.”  Instead of kicking him off the boat right then and there, she fist bumps him and says, “That was awesome!”  Can we kill them both?

Blake takes Melissa away for some alone time and immediately makes out with her.  He says that he has to “whore himself out to maintain friendships that wouldn’t otherwise be there.”  Kasey is shocked when she gives the rose to Blake.  He can’t believe that she would do such a thing.  Beware the wrath of Kasey.  Kasey and Kirk are sent away on a small motorboat.  Blake stays behind to make out with Melissa.  He says, “When Melissa leans in to kiss me, it’s pretty easy to kiss her back because… I’ve had a few drinks.”  Yay!  We have a new super-villain!

After the Dates
Gia tries to convince Graham that breaking up Vienna and Kasey is the best move.  He tells her he’s on board with breaking up the power couples.

Blake runs off and hides with Holly.  Melissa is frantically looking for him.  She tells the camera, “Blake does have feelings for me and he does like me.  We have so much in common.”  It really sounds like she’s trying to convince someone.  Cut to Blake saying, “I’m not really attracted to Melissa.  Pretending a little attraction is there is definitely a good strategy.”  Melissa walks in on Blake and Holly hanging out.  Holly bails.  Melissa is pissed and says to Blake, “I came back here to prove that I’m a fun, nice person and that I’m awesome.”  Then she breaks down crying.  That’s neither fun, nice nor awesome.  You have failed.

Now that Kasey is there, Jake tries again to talk to Vienna.  She agrees and several contestants are there to witness.  Jake asks them for their help and they attack him.  Kasey tells Jake that he doesn’t deserve to be there and that he is “a bad person.”  Jake responds, “Everyone here knows I’m a great guy.”  He’s unreasonably calm.  As Jake walks away, Kasey shouts, “No one wants you here.”  The witnesses (Kirk, Ella, some others) see this bullying for what it is.  Vienna gets all wet over Kasey being a dick and they start making out.  During his solo interview, he makes his tattoo throb by clinching his fist and stares at the camera and says, “It’s guard and protect time.  Are you ready?”  There are no words.

Chris Harrison shows up.  When he asks about the mood, William says, “Awkward.”  He is vague about who is making it awkward, but Jake pipes up and says, “Jake and Vienna.”  Jake says he’s got full closure with Vienna.  Chris asks Vienna, “How is that the hatchet can’t be buried and you can’t just move on?”  Vienna says, “Just because the hatchet is buried doesn’t make it right that your ex-fiance is in the house.  It makes everything very awkward for everyone…”  Chris cuts her off and points out that Holly and Michael were once engaged and they are doing just fine.  Vienna responds, “You guys already made us do a forced breakup on TV and I don’t think it’s right that you’re making us do this again.”

You may not know this but Chris has a secret agreement with all of the contestants.  It goes something like this:  “I will treat you witless meatbags like intelligent life forms if you agree not to lay bare your fame-seeking stupidity for all of America to see.  Do that, and I’ll smack your ass down.”

Chris snaps, “Who’s making you be here?  That door’s open, that door’s open.  I’ll call you a cab right now if you’re not comfortable.”  This conversation is over.  He then announces that they will be voting off two women this week.  All the men are safe.  Both men and women will be voting for the women.

Do NOT fuck with Chris Harrison.

Vienna tries to organize a coup because “this is cheating.”  Kasey is more than happy to go home if Vienna wants to go home.  She refuses to leave and she believes that everyone in the house is on her side (zero self-awareness confirmed).  Michelle tells Jake that he should just go home because he has no chance to win.  When it’s pointed out that he can win the challenges to save himself, she looks baffled.  Where’s that wisdom now?

Kasey tells Gia that Graham told him her plan.  Gia freaks out, yells at both Graham and Kasey and packs her bags and leaves.  Gia is more than happy to play the game herself, but when someone else tries to play, she takes her ball and goes home.  And we thought Vienna Melissa Michelle was the crazy one.

Somehow these geniuses decide that either Ella or Jackie have to go.  Really?  Not a peep about Vienna?  Ames gets Kasey to agree to keep Jackie but Michael convinces Kasey to keep Ella.  When Jackie and Ames ask Kasey and Vienna how they voted, they lie about voting for Ella.

The Rose Ceremony
Thanks to Kasey and Vienna’s lies, Jackie goes home.  Ames walks her to the car in his red pants.  She says, “I’ll miss you.”  He walks back towards the house, then turns and runs to catch her car and goes home with her.  Ella says, “Oh my god, they are going to make babies and I’m going to love it.”

Gross.

While I was away, Ashley totally found her true love, guys.  I’m sure this one will last forever.  Forever ever.

Now it’s time for the Bachelor Pad.  There’s nothing like offering a $250,000 prize to get people to fall in love.

The show opens with introductions of this season’s biggest characters, though we all know it’s going to be the Jake and Vienna show.  If you don’t know, Jake and Vienna were a “winning” couple from a few seasons ago.  They had a very public, nasty and completely orchestrated breakup.  We’ll see how well they are able to sell their fake animosity towards one another.

I love that they pitch this show as “a second chance for love.”  They don’t mention that this is the third or fourth Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad for some of the contestants.

A few of the highlighted characters:

Justin — “The Wrestler” a.k.a. Rated R.  He’s overly cocky and he’s setting his sights on taking out anyone who was on his season.

Jackie  — From Brad’s season. She was nasty to Michelle during the “women tell all episode” of their season.

Michelle — The crazy one from Brad’s season.  She opens her clip by saying, “I’m not the crazy one.” If you have to say it… Also, her dad has Stage 4 colon cancer.

Gia — From Jake’s season and last season’s Bachelor Pad.  She has pictures of someone… or maybe they have pictures of her.  She hates Vienna because

This season's supervillain.

Vienna stole her boyfriend.

Vienna — She’s now dating Kasey, the “guard and protect your heart” tattoo guy.  Stealer of Gia’s boyfriend, dumper of Jake and borderline slanderer of Jake. She opens her clip by saying, “I’m competitive and I’m awesome.”  No, you’re three plastic surgeries away from being Heidi Montag.

Kasey — Vienna’s boyfriend/puppet.  Hater of Jake.  Still says, “I will guard and protect your heart.”  Claims that he’s “gained 30 pounds of solid muscle.”  Sayer of the following: “Imma go take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka.”  Imma go get my rock hammer and break some Kasey.

Jake — The guy to whom Vienna owes her fame.  Chose Vienna on his season of The Bachelor.  He says she sold their breakup story to a tabloid for lots of money.  Says that he “didn’t want to get mad, that’s just not me.”  He hasn’t seen or spoken to Vienna since the breakup special aired.  Potential supervillain.  Potential underdog.

Erica — Calls herself the princess.  I don’t know who the hell she is, but she’s wearing a tiara.  Very strange looking, but she thinks she’s really sexy.  She says it’s a “good astrological time for her.”  Dumber than a box of Kasey.

Graham — From DeAnna’s season.  She yelled at him when she sent him home.  Has a clothing company.   Volunteers all over the world.  The boring one.

Ella — From Jake’s season.  She’s in it for the money because she wants to buy a house for her son.  Her backup plan is to win the lottery.  Getting a job is apparently not on her radar.  Also, her mother was shot to death by her dad five days before their divorce was final.  He used a sawed-off shotgun.  I bet you’re not surprised that she’s from Tennessee.

Holly — From before I watched.  She met another contestant and got engaged.  She broke it off.  Got back together, then he dumped her recently.  She says, “I broke Michael’s heart but I also broke my own.”  That’s not the only broke organ she has.

Michael — Holly’s ex-fiancé.  He’s still hurt, but he still loves her.  Has strange facial hair.

Alli, Ames, Blake, Kirk, Melissa and William are not interesting enough to mention, but that’s the rest of the crew.

Meet and Greet
The meet and greet is simply an excuse to try to build the tension before the inevitable reunion of Jake and Vienna.  Vienna is one of the first to arrive sporting a dated haircut and an ugly dress that makes her look like a pumpkin that’s been in the sun too long.  She spends the entire time pretending to be nervous about Jake’s potential arrival.  She keeps saying, “I’m terrified of him,” because he could sue the shit out of her if she said, “I’m afraid he’ll hit me.”  We see what you are trying to do, Vienna, and we’re not buying it.

Jake finally arrives and immediately turns on the “nice guy” switch.  Kasey and Vienna intentionally make it awkward.  Gia tells Jake to talk with Kasey before Kasey gets drunk and does something stupid.  Jake pulls Kasey aside and wishes him and Vienna the best.  Kasey responds by saying “truth” a lot but otherwise making no sense at all.  Then he sits and stews about it.  Also, it’s disturbing how Kasey towers over Jake.  Jake may die this season.

Chris comes in to explain the show.  Guys vote girls off, girls vote guys off.  He tells them that they will compete as couples in the first challenge.  People begin pairing off and even though Jackie and Ames are hitting it off, they choose to partner with other people.  Injecting jealousy into a relationship is always the best way to start things off.  Kasey and Vienna are the obvious first couple, followed by Graham and Alli, Melissa and Blake (even though Blake isn’t really in to her), and Michael and Holly.  Justin and Ella pair up, William snags Gia, Ames chooses Michelle and Jackie picks Jake.  Kirk gets stuck with Erica because he “got too drunk.”  It’s clear that she’s the girl that is generating the least interest from the men.

The Challenge — Hook Up
The men are strapped into harnesses 10 feet off the ground.  The ladies must hang on to their partner however they can.  The last couple hanging wins.  Both of the winners get roses and a one-on-one date with each other.  Gia drops first because Will “couldn’t hold her up,” though she doesn’t mention trying to hold on herself.  To no one’s surprise, the final two couples are Kasey and Vienna and Jake and Jackie.  Jake knows he has to win to stay on the show so he sells himself a fantasy about dropping Jackie off a cliff to keep hold of her.  Eventually, Vienna drops and Jake and Jackie win immunity.

Vienna is pissed that Kasey dropped her.  They both storm off to sit silently in a hot tub.  Vienna says, “I was expecting a little more from you.”  She then proceeds to pick a fight with him and then yell at him for fighting with her.  If you weren’t sure before, you now know she’s a complete fucking nutjob.  I don’t know what’s going on here.  Vienna is way too ugly to be getting away with this kind of crazy.  She has some kind of weird Jedi mind control.

The Scheming
Vienna and Kasey recover in enough time to make a “final four” pact with Graham and Michelle.  Each of them will work to recruit other couples.  They try to rope in Justin as their fifth guy.  He immediately heads to the rest of the contestants and tells them of the deal.  Alli then rats him out to the team he just aligned with.

The Date — Jake and Jackie

He plays a nice guy on TV.

Jackie is nervous because she’s not sure about Jake.  Suddenly, a little girl is star struck at seeing Jake and breaks down crying — she’s a third grader.  He’s kind to her and this immediately endears him to Jackie.  She’s now a Jake fan.

They have dinner on the marquee of the El Capitan Theater.  Jackie asks about his relationship with Vienna.  He says things were great until the show aired and then everything got rocky.  He tells her that she sold the breakup story to a tabloid and that’s how he found out it was over.  He’s a charmer and Jackie is buying it.

Meanwhile, Vienna spends her time in the house talking trash about Jake.  She calls him “a very bad person.”

Jake tells Jackie, “There needs to be a final conversation.”  After hearing the story, Jackie asks Jake if he wants to give the rose to Vienna.  This is brilliant!  She manages to test both of them with one single question.  If Jake refuses to give Vienna the rose, he looks like all of this, “we need to make peace” talk is bullshit.  If he agrees and then Vienna turns around and uses it against him, she looks like the crazy bitch he says she is (and we all know she is).  I want this to happen.  Unfortunately, I don’t think Jackie is smart enough to realize what she’s done here.  Also, it’s the dumbest move ever for Jake.

The Next Morning
Jackie backs off the “give it to Vienna” idea.  In fact, she’s so afraid of making enemies, she gives the decision completely to Jake.  She keeps stumbling into brilliant moves.  Justin tells Jake that giving the rose to Vienna is stupid.  Gia tells him the same thing.  Still, Jake wants to prove that he’s a good guy.  A good, stupid guy.

He gives the rose to Vienna and asks to talk to both her and Kasey.  He apologizes to Vienna for raising his voice to her.  He says, “It was two wrong people trying to make it work.”  She pours out more fake tears and walks away saying that she’s happy.  Off camera she calls him a “phony robot.”  Jake thinks the conversation went well and that he did the right thing.  Somehow Gia manages to take it all personally, but that’s only because she needs a daddy.

It’s clear that Jake is only interested in making himself look like a good guy.  He knows he has no chance to win the money, so he’s at least trying to save his image and he’s playing Vienna like a fiddle.

That Night
Gia turns to Kasey to try to save herself.  She tells him that the girls are trying to vote him off.  He calls her bluff but she sticks to her story.  Kasey eventually agrees that he will not vote for her and Gia says that she won’t vote for him.  Vienna shows up and tries to break it up, but Kasey has nothing if he doesn’t have his integrity.

The Vote
Once Justin figures out that Alli is the one who ratted him out he rallies the guys to vote her out.  She’s blindsided but it’s too late to save herself.  The rest of the guys are voting for Gia.  Vienna’s puppet (Kasey) is the swing vote to keep Gia from going home.  Can his integrity withstand this battle?  Will he need another tattoo to survive?

Meanwhile, Vienna is getting her team to vote for Justin.  Justin tries half-heartedly to save his ass.  Blake tries to convince the girls that now is the only time to vote Kasey off.  They quickly grab four votes and Jake tries to convince Gia to be the fifth vote.  Will her integrity withstand this battle?  Will she have to cry on camera once again?

The Rose Ceremony
Kasey and Gia manage to survive and Alli and Justin go home.  Alli exits quietly but Justin won’t shake anyone’s hand.  He takes Jake’s rose and says, “I’m leaving with a rose one way or another.”  In the car he blames “a 24 year old with fake hooters.”  I assume he means Alli, but it could be just about anyone.  Kasey ends the show by saying that he’s a “Jedi genius” who will get Jake off the show.  It’s not going to take a Jedi genius to send Jake home and that’s a good thing for Kasey.  He may have Yoda’s voice, but he certainly doesn’t have his wisdom.