Okay, this might be  a minor entryway into a problem I’ve had for a while but I just heard that they finally announced the iPhone 4, which, much like The Empire Strikes Back is a sequel to the greatest thing ever invented. But when I looked it up to catch some blurbs about how the new device might make me more popular or interesting to people who don’t like me I found this video (which is not embedded because a) Mac vs. PC parodies are as funny as “Where’s The Beef” parodies were in 1996 and b) I’m not supporting Jane Lynch until she gives Kate James back the career Kate’s rightfully earned.

But my point is this – parodying the iphone 4 the day after it came out is a little too much. We’re moving a little too fast, internet. You see, I remember an internet where things took up to a week to get played out, but an irony-starved public started pushing the “over it” parameters back and back and back so they could be the first to hate something to the point where we will soon have to start hating on things weeks before they exist. I know we do this with movies already (I, for one, am pretty excited to hate the Karate Kid), but internet cultural events don’t have release schedules.

My frustration at this faster-than-the-speed-of-Like era hit a peak around March when I heard of Chatroulette for the first time. Much like being introduced to a Youtube phenomenon I’m unfamiliar with via a parody of the unknown entity, I found out about Chatroulette through a reference predicated on my knowledge of it’s existence. This is another internet pet peeve of mine, but I’m used to that now. I’ll just have to assume that the non-remixed, non-imitated, non-remade, non-autotuned version of the World’s Worst Wedding DJ is funny, not that I can find the original. So I look up Chatroulette and two of the first articles I find are dated three days apart, one introducing it to the world and the other saying how over it we should be.

I would finish this article but the whole thing seems very July 7th, 2010 at 9:43pm right now.

I want my free Google hi-speed internet. Take whatever internet you have, and multiply it by a billion. Want to torrent Seasons 1-5 (yes, 5) of LOST in HD? As long as it took you to read that sentence – done. That’s what I need. Who doesn’t want that? And it’s FREE. Sure, you might have to use the Chrome browser, get a GMAIL address and be forced to use BUZZ – but those are all minor sacrifices to get something that valuable for FREE.

Am I alone in thinking this? Apparently not. In the past couple months, here’s what other Mayors have done to get the attention of Google to making this happen:

• The Mayor of Duluth, MN skinny-dipped in a freezing cold lake. Ok, maybe not skinny-dipped, but if he had, I’m sure Google would have listened.
• The Mayor of Sarasota, FL jumped into a shark tank. Even AFTER Free Willy killed that woman.
• The Mayor of Milwaukee, WI spent real tax dollars by putting up a digital billboard. If they don’t get Google Internet, the billboard will be sold to the “Husky Hut” porn shop — one of the only thriving businesses in Milwaukee.
• The Mayor of Appleton, WI didn’t get the memo about “stunts”, and just renamed a street to “Google Avenue”. Google responded by naming one of their conference rooms, “Appleton.”
• The Mayor of Topeka, KS renames the entire CITY to “Google, Kansas”. That little stunt really fucked up their mail, and now, the 2010 Census will claim that no one lives in Topeka.
• The Mayor of Palo Alto, FL got the gays city employees together, and did a dance video to “Y.M.C.A.”. ‘Nuff said.

And the list goes on. My question is – Daley! What the hell are you going to do for me? And it better be good. I mean stunt, awesome good. Don’t get lazy and just “rename” something. Go out there and DO something. Like, ride a Segway. Through fire. While being chased by lions. Replace all streetlights with Google ornamentation. Repaint all the cop cars to Google colors. Force all the Aldermen to have Gmail accounts. Do SOMETHING. Hell, eat those poisonous puffer fish. Go to a gay bar, and dance. Just get on that DAMN LIST!

Any other suggestions for our beloved, Honorable Richard M. Daley?

*UPDATE* – I found out there’s only 3 Days Left!! Let’s get on it Daley!!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Thanks to Jay-Z/Rhianna – you will find yourself humming “New Dork” for the rest of the day.

Or until someone mentions “Red Red Wine.”

Damn – just blew it.

Click here to view the embedded video.

You don’t even want to know about all the stuff they know that you don’t know they know… Or something like that. Joel – they know the porn site you visited last night after the family went to sleep. Sandy – they know that you searched for bit-torrents of “Rush + Free + Concert + Penis”. Adam… Oh poor Adam, your best bet is to move to LA and get lost in the soft-core porn editing busi-. Oh. I guess you’re mostly ok.

Thank God. I am absolutely sick of my neck.

You may, or may not, have heard about Google going around, tantalizing people all over the US with super-fast free internet for some sort of testing. I tend to think they are attempting to dig a little further into everyone’s lives… As if Gmail, Docs and gCal aren’t enough – they also want direct reporting of every website we visit.

Anyway, Topeka goes all Madison Ave, and tries a big push to draw attention to themselves. For the month of March, Topkea is GONE! They are now “Google, Kansas.” Hey – nice attempt at drawing some press on such a move. At least, until Google sues you for copyright infringement.

Of course, if Google promised free super-fast internet… I’d probably change my last name, my first name, and even name my first child Google if that was the price of admission.

I wonder how the Post Office feels about this….

No more touching that stupid tube of toothpaste.

Warning: Not for use by Autistic people and others who may prefer tactile sensation.

Still not sure about this one Google. So far, you’re 0 for 2 for me between Wave and Buzz. I know what you are trying to do… But don’t think you’ve got it just right yet. Instead, with Buzz, you’ve just made it easier to either be more invasive, or truly diabolical.

Yes, I said truly diabolical. Google’s mantra is “do no evil” – however, the don’t say anything about using their tools to accomplish evil. As evidenced by the cartoon from Doghouse Diaries.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Ohhh… MadTV – you were yearssss ahead of your time. Who woulda thunk that all those years ago, Apple would have gone ahead and named their product with the OBVIOUS connotations? Oh well… Let’s relive a little bit of 1994 and the now-cancelled MadTV!

Click here to view the embedded video.