Click here to view the embedded video.

If anyone reading this has traveled through Ohio, then you’ve probably come across “Touchdown Jesus.” The nickname given to the Ohio highway eyesore landmark created by The Solid Rock Church in Monroe to show all Christians what Jesus was against, giant symbols to be prayed to. At least, knowing what I know of Jesus, that would have to have been their intent. In fact The Christ was so big that he had an exclamation point after his name in all the advertising brochures, making it a curseword. Well all Christians at the Solid Rock Church (formerly The Church Of Rock!) temporarily had to bury their immediate impulse to read symbolism into everything as a lighting bolt struck the giant symbol of excess in modern MegaChurch Christianity.

An Ancient Society would, hilariously, assume that the bolt came from Zeus to teach a lesson to the pagan masses, but of course, in modern society, we all now know that lighting bolts come from God. The Solid Rock Church will begin building the statues replacement – “Touchdown Golden Calf” next week.

As you know, Schadenfreude.net Reader, last night was the first round of the NFL Draft.  Since I’ve already posted two other sports related posts, I’ve put myself into a box from which I’ll never escape.

I give you my report card for the first round of the 2010 NFL Draft.

A+

• To the NFL for encouraging a bunch of egotistical spoiled brats by giving them millions of dollars and a sense of entitlement.
• To Tim Tebow for bringing a little God to the draft.  We don’t hear enough about God in America right now.

A

• To Roger Goodell for correctly pronouncing Ndamukong Suh — this years #2 draft pick.
• To Ndamukong Suh for having a name that means “House of Spears.”

B

Meaty, meaty man love.

• To the official NFL Draft hat.  It’s the first hat in several years that doesn’t make the players look like clowns.
• To Roger Goodell and Derrick Morgan for sharing their love with the world.

C

• To the NFL for handing out jerseys with the number 1 on them to every player even though we all know they’ll never wear that number.
• To the term “character issues” because it means nothing if the guy is a superstar.

D

• To the ridiculous number of pinstriped suits.  You’re football players, not mob bosses.
• To Ndamukong Suh’s parents for not making it more clear that their son is a house of spears.

F

• To Chris Berman for not sweating more.
• To the NFL for scheduling this on a Thursday night during two new hilarious episodes of 30 Rock requiring me to do actual research since I didn’t watch a second of the draft.

A proper baseball uniform

Today is Major League Baseball’s Opening Day and if you’re anything like me, Schadenfreude.net Reader, you hate baseball because it’s boring and not football.  I figured the least I could do was offer you a survival guide to help you make it through opening day and the rest of the way too long baseball season.

• When people say “opening day” look at them quizzically and say, “Don’t you just mean Monday?”
• If you are asked who your favorite baseball team is reply, “I don’t need an excuse for a three-hour nap.”
• Tell people you’ll start watching baseball when players stop wearing pajamas and start wearing baseball uniforms.  (Nothing pisses off sports fans more than talking about uniforms.)
• Remember that if you make it through opening day, you can ignore the sport until the end of September and you won’t have missed a thing.
• In case you happen to like games that mean something, the NHL and NBA playoffs happen in early summer.
• If you find yourself in a situation where everyone is talking about baseball and you can’t leave the room or you have forgotten your killing spoons, it’s always a good move to make a “wait ‘til next year” joke about the Cubs.
  
  
  

  Pajamas

• Don’t turn down tickets to a baseball game.  There’s nothing better than a sunny day in an oversized beer garden.  Don’t let baseball ruin that opportunity.
• Find a room full of baseball fans, mention steroids and statistics and sit back and watch their brains explode.
• Implement a new baseball style training regime where you run 90 feet and then stand around for ten minutes then run 90 feet and stand around for ten minutes.
• Spend all the extra time you get back from not watching or following baseball to become an expert with killing spoons.

Last night the Men’s NCAA Tournament Brackets were announced.  As you may know, I am one of the world’s leading experts in… well… nothing.  That won’t keep me from giving you my tips for filling out a bracket that will win you all the money in your office pool.

My can’t lose NCAA Tournament Bracket Picks:

• The sites in the Midwest bracket are prone to bad weather and high winds.  Take this in to consideration when making your picks.
• UTEP stands for University of The Endless Pancake.  Their players tend to be slow and overweight.
• Tennessee doesn’t actually exist.
• The National Champion always has blue in their uniforms.  Make sure you know every team’s colors.
• If you can’t decide between the 8 or 9 seed, go back to bed and wake up when you’re capable of making a freaking decision.
• Rebounds are crucial for a winning team.  Be sure to check TMZ to find out which players recently got dumped.
• When in doubt go with the Tigers.
• Basketball smarts are a key component to a good team.  Check the teams’ GPAs.  Pick whichever team is above 1.0.
• Buy low, sell high.
• Set your hot tub time machine to April 5, 2010, get a completed bracket and bring it back to now.  We’ll wait.

Hey folks, Fred the Tuckpointer here with a some opinions and the God’s Honest Truth about what’s rotten in this country.  I’m just so angry nowadays, at how our great country is being destroyed by the criminal “president”, B. Hussein Obama.  There’s so much that he’s ruined.

Like the Superbowl.  The greatest of American sports traditions.  For those of you living under a rock, this year’s title game was between Indianapolis and…New Orleans.  Now,  when George W. Bush was president a hurricane named Katrina formed.  Lots of hurricanes form for different Presidents.  Dumb luck would have it, this one flooded and destroyed much of New Orleans.  I still don’t get how that was Bush’s fault.  But somehow it was.  Believe me, if Bush could have pissed that hurricane away, he would have.  Hell, I would have held his dick for him.   Anyway, according to the Liberal Media its all Bush’s fault, blah blah, slow response and disjointed effort, horse trader running FEMA blah blah blah.

So Obama gets elected, and you better believe the very first thing he was going to do was take revenge on Bush for all the Liberals out there.  Conservatism had been winning the day, and it was only after Acorn cheated and stole 10 million votes that Obama barely squeaked in.  But he won, so now he had  to make Bush look stupid.  How?  By making it so that the New Orleans Saints would go to and win the Superbowl.

Here’s a pic of Obama signaling for a two point conversion by the Saints in the 2nd half to be “good”.  As in, go to the replay booth and overturn the call against the Colts!

Don’t look at me that way.  The President in this country has awesome powers, and on top of that Obama controls the Liberal Media.  And the Liberal Media makes all the bad things in this country possible, like Katie Couric.  So Obama likely made a few phone calls and threatened some people.  Next thing you know, honest conservatives like Kurt Warner and Bret Favre were taking dives in front of the Saints in the playoffs.  Then in the big game, Peyton Manning suddenly falls apart and throws a game ending “interception”.  I was watching it at Johnny’s downtown and smelled a rat.  You could see how nervous Manning was.  Wanna bet it was because he knew Obama would have his wife and children “removed”, if he didn’t throw that pick?  How else do you explain the best football player in the league making a mistake like that?

The reason was so obvious.  Now that New Orleans has won the “world championship” and everyone there is happy, they think Obama is a better president than Bush.  Do the math with me:  Bush = Katrina and massive death.  Obama = Saints win the Super Bowl.   Well, thanks a lot “Mr President”.  You’ve destroyed the integrity of yet another American institution with your wild liberal socialist lust for revenge.   Well, enjoy it while you can.  There’s a tuckpointer or two here in the great USA that is on to you, and we’re not going to stand for it.  Next year, the Browns are going to win it all and no socialist agenda will be able to stop them.  We’ve got God on our side.

Till then, Fred the Tuckpointer signing off.

Drew Brees proudly proclaimed tonight that New Orlean’s fans are the “best fans in the world.” At first I believed him. Then I began doing a little research. As it turns out, this is in direct contradiction to what Steelers’ Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said last January when Pittsburth defeated the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC championship game on January 18, 2009, announcing that “Pittsburgh Steeler fans are the best fans in the world!”

And the controversy doesn’t end there.

On February 3, 2007, when the New York Giants defeated the New England Patriots 17 to 14 to win the Super Bowl, Giants’ running back Ahmad Bradshaw said quite seriously that New York Giants’ fans were “the best fans in the world.” Mr. Bradshaw never provided third party verification or evidence of any kind to support this statement, but it’s difficult to imagine one making this kind of announcement, usually on national television, without it being true.

The debate becomes heated.

On January 7, 2006, in a wild card victory over the New York Jets, New England Patriot’s wide receiver Jabar Gaffney claimed that New England fans were the best fans in the world, and just a week later on January 14, the Bears’ Rex Grossman stated that it was indeed the Bears fans that were the best in the world after Chicago defeated Seattle 27-24 on their way to the Super Bowl. Similar claims were made by Joe Jurevicius after the Buccaneers won Super Bowl 37 in 2002 and by Kurt Warner after the Rams Super Bowl 34 victory in 1999, though in Warner’s case, he simply said that Rams’ fans “may be” the best fans in the world.

When I searched outside of the world of the NFL, it became obvious this would prove to be a difficult if not impossible case to resolve, as almost identical statements have been made by the White Sox’s Mark Buehrle in 2005, Bob Hartley of the Colorado Avalanche in 2001, and by the Houston Rocket’s Hakeem Olajuwon in 1995.

Difficult as it may be to sort through the mounds of statements, counter statements, contradictions, hypothesis, and outright intentional misinformation that has been proposed regarding who are the actual best fans in the world, this much is clear: If you are fan, of any team, in any sport, you stand a very decent chance of someday being the best.

These are real names of Lingerie Football League Teams
Philadelphia Passion
Chicago Bliss
Miami Caliente
New York Majesty
Tampa Breeze
Dallas Desire
Denver Dream
Los Angeles Temptation
San Diego Seduction
Seattle Mist

These Aren’t

St. Petersburg Flow
Montreal Chablis
Edgarville Trivia Knights
Beaver Valley Entendres
Phoenix Mons
Pittsburgh Wineboxes
Jersey City Booslers
Detroit Gazongas
Nashville Engorge
Houston Raunch
Hartford Restraining Orders