Alderman Ed Bus meets with Deb Matzo to discuss how to “rebrand” the Alderman, and make him more “Mayor-like.” How best to do this? Start hobnobbing with Chicago-elite like Steve Dolinsky (The Hungry Hound) and Stephanie Izard (Girl & the Goat). It’s a long trip, but the Alderman learns a little about himself.

Our fake acceptance video for the 2008 Chicago Emmy’s, starring real-life Chicago furniture mogul and local celebrity Tim Smithe. Directed by Bill O’Neil.

Come on down to the Haymarket Pub and Brewery at 737 W. Randolph – Alderman Ed Bus, and his wife Dorse Carson Pirie Scott Bus, will be there to talk about his recent race for Mayor, what the 53rd Ward is like after the race, and how it feels to have a beer named after him: the Alderman Ed Bus Golden Lager.

Others will be there too as part of LOCAL 737 – a new monthly show at the Drinking & Writing Theater showing the first Wednesday of every month at 7:37p.m.

Local 737 features a variety of artists and other folks from events currently happening in Chicago. Local 737 is a reference to the mug club at Haymarket Pub & Brewery, Local 737: Beer Drinkers Union and also to the address at 737 W. Randolph and the time of the show…7:37 pm….get it? Local 737 will focus on a differnet theme every month.

Come on out, drink beer, and cheer on our Alderman!

This week Brad goes to meet each of the girls’ families.  We can only hope that Brad dials the awkward up to eleven.  Especially when the fathers have to take him aside and ask the “tough” questions.

Judging by the replay of every single moment of every girl’s relationship with Brad, there will be about six interesting seconds on each of the dates.  Why couldn’t they do this when Monday Night Football was still on so that I could tune out for the first twenty minutes?

Chantal — Seattle, WA
Brad meets Chantal in the park.  You know, the one park in Seattle where is doesn’t rain.  Chantal takes him to her place to meet her pets.  She has two cats and a dog named Boca that looks like a cat.  I feel much better knowing that when Brad doesn’t choose her, she’ll still have her cats.  Chantal insists that the pets are coming with her and he immediately tells her that his condo doesn’t have enough space.

After sharing a drink at her place, they head off to her parents’ place.  Chantal’s parents are wealthy.  Their foyer looks like a museum.  The first thing they discuss with her parents is the slap Chantal dished out when she first met Brad.  Look how far they’ve come.

After dinner, Chantal takes a moment with her dad to tell him that she loves Brad.  Then it’s Chantal’s father’s turn with Brad.  He and Brad immediately bond over being masons — the actual kind, not the ones with secret handshakes and funny hats — and when Chantal’s dad holds his glass out for a toast, Brad flinches before clinking glasses.  Looks like Brad’s daddy issues are solved.  When Chantal’s dad mentions that he too had an absent father, everything becomes clear for me.  Brad isn’t looking for love, he’s looking for a dad.

Ashley — Madawaska, ME
Ashley’s hometown is near the border of Canada and she explains that there are a lot of French speakers in the area.  She takes him to a restaurant where she worked in high school and when waitress asks him in French if he is ready to order he says, “Si.”  Thank god he didn’t speak German or the waitress would have surrendered.  Over a plate of gravy fries, they talk about how they always talk about reassuring each other.  Then I shoot myself in the face.

They go to buy a few lobsters and stop at a little fruit and veggie stand that works on the honor system.  No one supervises the stand, there’s just a little

It's all free in Maine!

box where you put the money once you’ve chosen your food.  So, free vegetables and free money.

When they finally arrive at Ashley’s home, everyone freaks out and screams and jumps up and down.  It’s like Justin Bieber showed up at a Junior High School.  It’s the most grating ten minutes of television I’ve ever seen.  I feel sorry for Ashley’s dad.  He has to live with this shit every day, though he seems okay with it.

During Brad’s discussion with Ashley’s dad, it comes out that Ashley is not actually a dentist even though every graphic I’ve ever seen says she’s already a dentist.  Can we trust her?  Besides, who wants a bubbly dentist?  I like mine on the verge of suicide, it gives them a nice focus.

I didn’t think that Ashley could get more annoying but she took it to a completely different level with her whole family.  It’s like they created a new circle of hell — and that circle speaks French.

Shawntel — Chico, CA
They open with a bad commercial for Shawntel’s funeral home.  It’s awesome and you can see it right here on YouTube.  This one is even better, because you can actually feel the sadness when the kids say, “…and now it’s ours.”

Brad meets her at the funeral home.  There’s no buffer zone on this one.  Straight to the weird stuff.  When she shows Brad the crypt he almost immediately begins to freak out.  If you couldn’t tell by the scared look on his face, the tinkly piano music lets us know that he’s definitely freaked out.  He finally admits that he’s not comfortable with death.  Just like all Americans who try to avoid everything uncomfortable.  God forbid he be a man about something.

I think Adam Carolla based his book, In Fifty Years We’ll All Be Chicks, on this guy.

They go to her parent’s house for dinner and Brad seems to be shocked that her family is actually alive.  He marvels that they’re not constantly mired in gloom.  Shawntel’s father mentions that he’s expecting Shawntel to take over the family business.  He then takes her aside and lays a serious guilt trip on her by telling her that a family friend wanted her to be there for an embalming.  He basically tells her that she’s ruining the family plans if she moves away with Brad.

When they reconvene with the rest of the family, Shawntel’s father gives them his blessing but it’s clear he’s only doing it because he doesn’t want to look like a dick in front of the cameras.

As Brad is leaving, she tells him that she’s in love with him.  That probably won’t be enough to save her.

Emily – Charlotte, NC
Emily and her daughter are reunited in a park.  Emily tries to explain that she “made a friend” while she was gone and the kid looks pissed.  Her name is Ricky or maybe Ricki.  I’m going with Ricky because I hate it less.  When Brad shows up Ricky predictably hides behind her mom.  Brad brings her a

SO. MUCH. FUN.

kite.  You know, because it’s the 1940s.  Basically, Ricky completely ignores Brad the entire time.  Eventually, Brad convinces her to fly the kite and they actually interact for a few seconds.  It looks like a win for Brad.

They go back to Emily’s house and spend the evening playing games.  Emily wants Brad to see what it’s like to spend a regular night with her and her daughter.  Brad hits it off with Ricky and she even asks him to say goodnight when she goes to bed.  Big win for Brad.  Time to close the deal.

Back in the living room, Emily is dying for Brad to kiss her.  Instead, he explains that he’s not comfortable kissing her with Ricky upstairs.  He feeds her a line about how he respects her too much to kiss her right now.  She doesn’t buy it.  I don’t either.  It gets weird and he abruptly leaves.  Before he gets out the door, she basically forces him to kiss her.

Really, dude?  Did your dad take your balls with him when he left?

Meeting with Chris
Brad meets with Chris Harrison to discuss the meetings with the families.  We relive every single meeting but this time it’s in soft-focus.  Why does Chris even bother to ask questions he knows Brad can’t really answer?  It doesn’t make Brad seem any smarter when he always has to speak in bad clichés.

The Rose Ceremony
Ashley and Emily get the first two roses.  I have a feeling Ashley is going to win this.  She’ll be so excited she’ll puke rainbows.  He gives Chantal the final rose.

Brad walks Shawntel out to the balcony for their final conversation.  Instead of using the family excuse, he tells her that he didn’t feel what he should feel when she told him that she loved him.  She looks hurt but manages to tell him that she respects him and wishes him all the happiness in the world.  Good move if she’s angling to be the next Bachelorette.

My roses go to…
Shawntel — for talking Brad into laying down on the embalming table.  I’d have given her two roses if she’d joined him there for a make out session.

Chantal’s Dad — for being the father that Brad never had.

Ricky — for not bowing to society’s standards and continuing to suck her thumb at age five.

Shawntel’s Dad — for not bowing to society’s standards and rocking the creepy mustache.

Dentists everywhere — my condolences for counting Ashley among your numbers.

So the big bad computer is kicking humans’ ass in Jeopardy. If I’m not mistaken, we should already be praying to our robot overlords for Friday off, because our DayCare has an Institute day, and so they can’t watch our baby, so we’ll need to stay home, but we totally promise to be on IM and available via cell if they need to get a hold of us. This is totally a one-time thing, and we promise it won’t happen again in the future.

So… Yeah. Robot Overlords.

This week Brad and the Eight Mental Dwarves head to Costa Rica.  It is roundly agreed that Costa Rica is the ideal place to fall in love.  As will be the next place they go to — even if it’s Gary, Indiana.

First Date — Chantal
Chantal gets a one-on-one date again.  She’s the first to get two one-on-one dates.  Michelle is so pissed that she wishes monkey death upon her.

Gary, IN. The most romantic place in the world.

Seriously.

Helicopter!  This time Helicopter is not simply a mode of transportation.  They fly over the beautiful scenery of Costa Rica.  Eventually, they arrive at “the longest zip line in the world.”  Somehow, I think there are several zip lines that claim this title.  Just before they are about to zip (that’s the right verb for this, yes?), it starts to rain.  There is about three seconds of drama where they wonder if they should continue.  Then some Costa Rican dude just shoves Chantal down the zip line.  On the other side, they see a black monkey.  In Costa Rica, they are now technically married.

In the evening, they have a picnic near a small waterfall.  The rain starts again.  There is no shelter nearby so they head up to Brad’s hotel room.  Chantal changes out of her wet clothes and puts on one of Brad’s button down shirts.  I’m not sure there’s any straight guy who can resist a girl in his button down shirt.  Back at the suite, Michelle is imagining that the rain is ruining Chantal’s date.  Not even close.  In fact, it’s going so well that Chantal admits to the camera that she is in love with Brad.

She gets the rose.

Group Date — Michelle, Jackie, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel, Britt
On the way to the group date, Michelle complains about the rain, mud and Chantal.  She is a broken record of hate and jealousy but she’s all this show has right now.  I can’t wait until After the Rose when she tells herself (and everyone else) that everything was edited to make her look bad.

Brad takes the girls to repel down a waterfall.  Michelle is pissed because she and Brad made a pact to not repel down things with anyone else.  That’s a really stupid pact, by the way.  Sometimes you need to repel out of life or death situations.  Even though she’s pissed, she takes the opportunity to step up and help the other girls by standing in the back and pouting the entire time.  Once everyone else has gone, Brad tells her that he’s going to repel down with her.  She’s now convinced that she’s getting the rose.  Not that there was any doubt.

In the evening, they head to a natural hot springs.  Nothing like alcohol and a hot springs to get the girls really wasted.

Brad immediately grabs Jackie since she was clearly the most afraid to repel down the waterfall.  She jumps on the fact that he repelled down with Michelle.  Brad is slowly beginning to realize that he can’t please everyone.  Slow learner, this guy.

Emily admits to Brad that she sabotages relationships.  This scares Brad but not so much that he won’t make out with her.

Michelle takes her alone time to berate Brad about going on dates with other girls — especially Chantal.  When Brad tries to speak, she shouts him down.  This dude is blinded by her hotness.  He just won’t cut her loose.  At the first lull in conversation, she makes out with him.

Brad leaves his one-on-one time with Michelle and immediately announces that he’s not giving out a rose.  Good for him.  Choosing not to choose is still a choice.

Frankly, I hope that Brad chose Michelle and now he’s sitting at home watching this show thinking, “I have to dump this girl on After the Rose.”

Third Date — Alli
Alli’s date card reads, “Meet me at the altar.”  Of course, Alli and Chantal only know of one use for an altar — marriage.  I can’t wait for Alli to discover she’s going to be a human sacrifice.

The next Bachelor?

Brad shows up with horses and takes her on a horseback ride to an ancient cave.  In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the cave from Lost.  The one with the light.  Maybe we’ll get to see Hurley again.  Of course, Alli is terrified of bugs and dirt and basically anything that might ever be in a cave.  They see a few bats and she pees her pants.  Eventually, they arrive at the altar.  It’s just a flat spot in the cave.  Again, it’s picnic time.  You know, because it’s about the journey, not the destination.

They sit down for dinner on an island in the middle of the hot springs.  Awkward conversation ensues.  Why is it so awkward?  Alli is boring.  There’s really no reason she should still be on this show.  She has no personality and there’s absolutely nothing sexual about her.  No surprise that she’s the first girl who doesn’t get a rose on a one-on-one.

During the post date wrap-up Brad says that he “needs a little down time to process how he’s feeling.”  Before he finishes the sentence, there is a knock on the door.  Guess who?  That’s right, Michelle.  Brad seems completely thrown by the whole thing.  They make out.  She launches in to her usual rant about how all of the other girls are evil.  Brad is on to her and he’s clearly not enjoying this.  She doesn’t get the hint and proceeds to list the order in which the other girls will go home.

The Cocktail Party
When Brad arrives, he sits down and tells the girls that he’s having a hard time.  Michelle is sure it’s because of the other girls.  Dumb and crazy.  A real catch.

To everyone’s surprise, Brad and Michelle have another fight.  She insists that he asked her to say all those nasty things about the girls.  Brad basically shuts down and he makes up his mind to punish her by giving her the very last rose.  She might win this whole thing.  She’s put her crazy on full display and he’s still going to keep her around.  She needs to go home at some point so that we can see her breakdown on the ride home.

Shawntel is smart enough to take her time with Brad to help him relax by making out with him.

The other girls have figured out that Michelle is talking trash about them and upsetting Brad.  They confront her and she tells them that she doesn’t go to Brad and “run off at the mouth about all of you.”  Does she not realize that all of this is being taped?

Chantal tells Brad that she is in love with him.  Instead of looking happy, he just looks fucking exhausted.  This dude is emotionally wiped out.  He can’t even enjoy his make out sessions anymore.  Being the Bachelor is hard.

The Rose Ceremony
Brad has five roses to give out which means that only one girl is going home.  As I predicted, Jackie and Michelle are the two vying for the final rose.  He eventually give it to Michelle.  Poor Jackie has been sacrificed at the altar of TV ratings and we’re treated to another boring car ride exit interview.

My roses go to…
Alli — for screaming loud enough to interrupt the hot springs date when she saw a bug.
Brad — for finally sensing that all of this is going to end badly.
The group date girls — for picking the least attractive bathing suits possible.  C’mon, Emily, you’re not five.
The altar — for being completely disappointing.
Alderman Ed Bus — for helping me dig out my car.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Check out all the hot fundraising action when Alderman Bus and Jason head over to the Steppenwolf to discuss some grand fundraising ideas with Martha Lavey! The final product… is not what Alderman Bus expected, but The Neo-Futurists, Greg Allen and John Pierson bring to life the words Jason wrote in the new play, “Killshot.”

Also, be sure to follow the whole story over at The 53rd Ward!

Click here to view the embedded video.