Yes, it’s water and oatmeal without all that troublesome remembering of ingredients and mixing.

Fellow concertgoers, I need you to stop doing the following things immediately.

• Standing so close to me that I can taste your breath.
• Attempting to have a conversation with the performers between songs.
  

  Stop doing that

• Giving me the evil eye when we are all asked to sing by the performer and I actually sing.
• Asking me the name of every single song.
• Wearing those pants like that.
• Using Shazam to figure out the name to every song now that I’m ignoring you.
• Talking.
• Offering to massage my thigh even if it is totally cramping for standing for so long.
• Shouting the name of your favorite song even after it’s already been played.
• Making me regret that I like this band because I have to hang out with you for two hours.

Thank you and happy Earth Day.

Google either did not get the sarcasm in my Damn You, Gays posting and they too think that homosexuality is somehow connected to pedophilia, or their Adwords algorithm is now making the connection between pedophilia and the Catholic Church. Check the ad.

This is so Meta.*

* I’ve been wanting to say that something is so meta so badly for so long. Yeah!!

Thankfully, the Catholic church has finally come right out and clarified the reason for the horrible child molestation scandal. Gays.

I’m seething with rage. Gays are ruining the Catholic church.

Why can’t you guys (gays) just go to to college, graduate with your degrees in musical theatre or magazine journalism, move to Boys Town, date, find a partner, be happy being openly gay in an open and accepting community, dance your Friday and Saturday nights away at Berlin, work, make money, teach yoga and travel? Must you insist on years of solitary prayer and contemplation, an undergraduate degree in psychology, philosophy, religion or other equally boring degree, attend seminary school for another four to six years, act as a deacon for a church, intern until you’re ordained, spend most of your time alone, have no sex or family – all of this just so you can have secret, totally unfulfilling sex with youngsters who aren’t even good at it?

Not so smart, gays, are you?

On a related note, what have you done to Vatican Secretary of State Tarcisio Bertone’s hand? Haven’t you done enough? Damn you, Gays!

I’m sure that the recent raids on militia compounds in Indiana and Michigan have piqued your interest, Schadenfreude.net Reader.  Thankfully, I’m from rural Indiana and I know a thing or two about militias.  Consider this your guide to starting your next militia.  What follows is a list of things you will need for a properly run militia.  You can thank me later.

Good use of a distinctive hat by this militia-man

Guns, Guns, Guns
I can’t stress this enough.  You need lots of guns.  Ideally, you’ll have so many guns that you’ll have no choice but to start piling them in the corner (but only after you’ve already dedicated an entire building to them).

Ammo
As much as you can find.  You can use the other corner to pile your copious amounts of ammo.  (Your desk and TV should occupy the remaining corners.  If you have a five cornered room, congratulations, you work at the Pentagon, home to the largest militia on Earth.)

Camouflage
Everyone should be outfitted in head to toe camouflage.  Require members to provide their own camouflage.  I think you’ll find that most already own plenty.  This will be your uniform.  Distinctive hats are optional.

American Flags
As many as you can find.  You’ll need them to hang on your walls, fly from your porches and stitched to your uniforms.  Encourage your members to get tattoos that incorporate American flags.  Eagles carrying flags, bikini-clad women waving flags and tigers draped in flags are all good choices.  The American flag is the best way to show that you are a true American.  Throw in a Confederate Flag for good measure.

In-House Barber
He or she should also be a fellow (fellowess?) soldier and specialize in the mullet.

Web Designer
You do not need a professional web designer.  In fact, your militia’s site should be the first site your web designer has ever designed.  His preferred color palette should consist solely of camouflage and his preferred font color should be red.  Insist upon a visible “site visited” counter on the home page.

A Compound
If you are just starting out and you haven’t generated income through dues or sales of “Obuma” t-shirts, a large house will do.  Training can take place in nearby hunting forests.  Once you’ve earned a little money you’ll want to buy land with several run-down buildings.  Fix these buildings up with duct tape and chicken wire.  There should be plenty of land on which to set up shooting ranges and hold training exercises.

Leaders wear ties when not in camouflage

I’m going to be honest, I hadn’t actually thought about taking advantage of ”Obama’s Refinance Plan.” But now I just might.

The Who played at the Super Bowl. They sounded fine or great. Whichever. Considering all the keyboard/synth parts, which is a fair amount of their music, probably came from a MIDI track, the three live instruments (Guitar, Vocals, Drums… was there a bassist even there?) sounded fine. Roger Daltry sounded fine. He’s old. He’s not supposed to sound like he’s 30. Plus it’s arena rock. Townshend of course sounded fine. The stage looked rather amazing. Amazing! It did. It was cool. You know what wasn’t cool?

That there were no fans around the stage. No humans.

I thought Rock & Roll needed humans. Granted, having humans at the Super Bowl halftime rock show is like having mannequins of Native Americans at Wisconsin Dells: You expect to see them, it makes sense to see them, but they are fake. And that’s fine because Super Bowl halftime shows are fake. Let’s be honest, they suck. But I will say they’ve improved slightly in the past 5 or so years. U2, Prince, Stones, Petty, Bruce, all played their instruments live, a new trend in modern Super Bowl halftime entertainment. Kudos to them. The gig still sucks, but at least they made an honest attempt.

So this may not be The Who’s fault. Who knows how the live thing got designed? But whoever did it needs to be reminded that live music needs people.

What’s that? There were 85,000 people in the stadium? That’s true. I didn’t forget. They don’t count. They were all drunk, or drinking, or paid $1,548 to be there and weren’t about to be bothered with whatever was happening on the field. They made noise, but you couldn’t see them. I work in theatre. A live performance doesn’t work without people. That’s called rehearsal. And no matter how much fun it is to be impressed with yourself, or conversely drown in your depression over how bad you are – whichever flavor of artistic self-identity you prefer – you always reach a point where you need an audience.

I wanted crazy, screaming, yelling, dancing, ugly, pretty, rowdy people, waving their hands in the air like they… You get it. Even if those people are paid, bussed in, choreographed, have to take out a certain color balloon at a certain time or walk to the 40-yard line with a red streamer on cue, I want to see them. Because then I’ll buy it. I’ll get on board with that kind of fakery. Because at least you’re faking a real thing. I don’t know what they faked. The Who in rehearsal? The laser light show at Adler Planetarium?

Come on Super Bowl halftime show. I want boobs. I want Bruce’s crotch hitting the camera. I want a close up of Bono showing us how he can take his sunglasses on… Or off. “No big deal. I’m a rock star. Sunglasses on… Sunglasses off. Sunglasses on. See? Cool.”

Go back to people. Fake people are fine. Remember, you are the Super Bowl halftime show and you suck. Always. Even when you’re good you suck. But just bring back the “fans.”

Originally Tweeted by @Nerdist

It’s called a “hustle.”

photo courtesy Fred Mowery

I don’t know if you’re thinking about eating an entire bag of these in one sitting, but I’d recommend not. My tongue hates me. I can only taste water.