Click here to view the embedded video.

…this video will help you figure out what is going on in Japan.   Thanks Internet!

“Lycos” still exists – and you can even get Lycos Mail!  You can also make Lycos your homepage.  And who knew there was a need for Lycos in the international community? Lycos translated from English to Finnish?  Shocking! 

My new bit was going to be to create a Lycos Mail account, but they charge $4.95/month – which seems to be a shockingly bad idea.  Oh well, maybe I’ll create an Alta Vista account.

Iran has unveiled it’s first unmanned bomber. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said the drone could be a “messenger of death,” but its “key message is friendship.” He explained that though it’s designed to drop bombs from the underbelly, the canons can be enabled to shoot sandwiches and kittens.

Really cute, furry, purring kittens.

God, and Allah, be praised.

Not really, but you have to think that this is the first step — right?

Did the editor of “The Onion” somehow switch jobs? Does no one there realize how funny this is? Please let Channel 12 lead with this story tonight. I want to hear Anna Davlantes get through this headline without looking doe-eyed, like she does when mentioning anything happening in the Middle East.

Oh yeah – don’t miss the final performance of the summer of “The City That Works”! Tonight at 8.30PM – Lincoln Hall – 2424. N. Lincoln! Schadenfreude + The Jordan Years + Yuri Lane with a special surprise visit from Jango Fett!

Rahm Emmanual has famously said you should never let a crisis go to waste. In the latest crisis for Republicans, Republican Representative Joe Barton apologized to BP during congressional testimony. Republicans now have a great opportunity to go ahead and apologize to everyone they feel the American people and nature, have ever wronged. Fortunately, I received a memo from the Republican National headquarters that outlines 10 of these apologies.

1. First, in the name of calling out unfair oil spills, the Republicans would like to apologize to the Exxon Valdez after the ground came out of mother fucking nowhere and got in its way.
2. Next up: Republicans would like to say sorry to Enron, for having such whiny-ass shareholders.
3. Republicans would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to California insurance companies harmed by damage claims due to wildfires. Stupid wildfires. Insurance Companies, if you feel bad for anything, it should be that you couldn’t get out of paying claims to Hollywood liberals.
4. The memo I have here also states that Republicans would like to offer a sincere, heartfelt apology to credit card companies. You should be able to rape people if you want. And by rape, we mean increase their interest rates without telling them. And then of course, actually raping them.
5. Sorry Bank of America. We think you should be able to charge people a $35 fee for using their line of credit, even though they already pay interest on it.
6. WorldCom. See number 2.
7. Slave Owners. Sorry that the slaves got all bent out of shape.
8. Bullets. We’re sorry that you get a bad rap for penetrating flesh and killing people.
9. R.J. Reynolds. No big deal.
10. Finally – a big apology to NBC. Sorry for your troubles, but thank you for bringing back Jay Leno. We love that guy!

PS – Watch the Obama “Kick Butt” and the “Turtle Fence” videos too – you won’t regret it.

I really hope that Larry Potash of WGN just lost a bet with the graphics department, but something tells me no. Also, at first glance you might think he’s drunk, but actually Larry’s just really passionate about geography. He’s like the Glenn Beck of land masses.

Elton John Performed at Rush Limbaugh’s Fourth Wedding.

In other news, Israeli president Shimon Peres will ever so slowly suck on a pork sausage for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, while the Iranian president gently bites his own lower lip, and, closer to home, a Cubs fan named Mike will cuddle with and console a Sox fan, Jack, for his team being as bad as the Cubs. Mike will probably also feed Jack ice cream with a spoon.

Thankfully, the Catholic church has finally come right out and clarified the reason for the horrible child molestation scandal. Gays.

I’m seething with rage. Gays are ruining the Catholic church.

Why can’t you guys (gays) just go to to college, graduate with your degrees in musical theatre or magazine journalism, move to Boys Town, date, find a partner, be happy being openly gay in an open and accepting community, dance your Friday and Saturday nights away at Berlin, work, make money, teach yoga and travel? Must you insist on years of solitary prayer and contemplation, an undergraduate degree in psychology, philosophy, religion or other equally boring degree, attend seminary school for another four to six years, act as a deacon for a church, intern until you’re ordained, spend most of your time alone, have no sex or family – all of this just so you can have secret, totally unfulfilling sex with youngsters who aren’t even good at it?

Not so smart, gays, are you?

On a related note, what have you done to Vatican Secretary of State Tarcisio Bertone’s hand? Haven’t you done enough? Damn you, Gays!