The Joy Bait is just two doors down from the Hot Box.

Hello talent-cognizance-deficient standup comedians who came out tonight to one of the many open mic’s reserved for Hollywood’s truly delusional comedians.

After six entertaining months of attending these shows and reacting with what a stupid person like yourself reads as genuine laughter generated by your nonexistent material/delivery, I’ve come to one conclusion: You’re all awful.

Had my name been picked early tonight you would’ve been treated to the best that I can write. It wouldn’t be great but would at least exhibit some minuscule understanding of what the goal of entertaining a stranger might encompass, a goal that nobody else in the room appears to have ever thought of or even come across examples of in your lives. I would have presented material that might not get a laugh, but who’s premise might someday bear fruit. Instead, for two hours you all talked about faggots, delivered stories from your life which those of us who have friends would’ve already told to them, and worked a Forrest Gump impersonation into your act. And later, even a Christopher Walken.

I’ve been to 100 improv shows and never once felt “that guy brought a gun and he’s going to shoot up the crowd.” I’ve felt that once at every open mic I’ve been to in Hollywood. Prior to this journey into the sad comedy scene in L.A. I never considered the link between mental instability and the desire to be Ray Romano. It now has become so apparent that is has me considering a Master’s Degree in Psychology and Sad Clowns.

I’ve taught comedy writing at The Second City, and nobody went through my class that I thought was hopeless, in fact I was impressed at how much desire my students had to analyze deficiencies with self-reflexive candor. To learn and overcome problems and turn the most outlandish thought into a solid and even deep premise. You people have none of that. You’re not even funny accidentally. No matter how nice it’s in my nature to be, no matter how hard I try to see the bright side of life and your act, it’s undeniable: You’re awful.

I’m getting the light. That’s my time.

I’m back. The internet was out in L.A. for the last day or so. It actually ruined an important conference call I had with Schadenfreude in Chicago. iChat is such great technology for sitting in on a Schad meeting from 2,000 miles away, Stephe even sit the computer right where I’d be sitting if I hadn’t chosen to to move to a place where it’s 75 degrees all the time. But there is a downside. When it rains, the place breaks. Everyone drives two miles an hour and the internet goes down, almost every time. Now, granted, it only rains about four times a year, but still, shouldn’t it take a larger disaster than…rain, to shut the place down? Silly. Just silly.

Will his star ever stop shining in front of the bus stop on Hollywood & Gower?

You know who loves Sinatra? Todd Voorhies. Is Sinatra’s star in front of:

A: A head shop.

B: A Youth Hostel that you imagine is a frequent stop for EMT’s.

C: A Pizza parlor with blood in the breezeway.

D: An ironic store the would be much classier anywhere but Hollywood Boulevard.I’m not lying about the Pizza Parlor, am I Connor?

I love the Chicago star, it reminds me of when I lived in Ohio and listened to Chicago, oh, and of course Chicago, the city I lived in after I’d stopped listening to them.

Is the Chicago Star in front of:

A) Peter Cetera and shoddy PA system normally reserved for yelling about Christ.

B) A lingerie store.

C) A store that sells little fake Oscars.

D) The world’s saddest Go-Go Boot store.

Now make like Hayden Christensen, get all disinterested, and jump.

Sir, stop staring at me. It’s obvious there was some difficulty of choice between incandescent and neon, I would like to state that neither has worked out.

Welcome to Roosevelt and State, I mean HOLLYWOOD!

Hanna Barbera, creator of such Saturday Morning Cartoons as Hong Kong Phooey, Laff-A-Lympics, Blue Falcon, Snorks, and, yes, The Go-Bots based on the toy that poor parents bought their kids during Transformer’s reign. Is Hanna Barbera’s star in front of:

A) A place the sells fake Oscars

B) A lingerie shop

C) A place the sells fake movie clappers

D) A head shop

E) Your mom

Hanna Barbera is in front of D) A Lingerie shop. Yabba Dabba Doo indeed. 

Wow, a Fredericks of Hollywood in Hollywood, they have them everywhere now.

George Burns. Is George Burns’ star in front of

A) A head shop

B) A Hip Hop Clothing Store

C) A Homeless clown playing the accordion

D) A lingerie shop

B) A Hip-Hop clothing shop. Some days the walk of fame might as well be on Broadway and Wilson.