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Suuuure, “DIE HARD” Director is sentenced to a year in prison. Because nobody weeps for the internment of the director of Medicine Man. Please, everyone reading this, do Schadenfreude.net one favor. JUST ONE favor, please bring up this topic with a loved one or a friend tonight over dinner, but asking if they’ve heard that the director of Medicine Man is going to jail? Thank you Bit Police. I know Joel’s in, I’m sure Connor’s in, and I know Fenster’s down.

…here’s some cold weather secrets to help you as winter approaches.

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Spotted in Chicago sporting a “Los Diablos” shirt and colorful umbrella was Schadenfreude‘s own Dave Cenko.  Here’s to you Dave!  And Happy Birthday! 

We would like to thank our special guest contributor, Michael Ironside for giving Schadenfreude.net his insight into today’s events.

Allright you little pantywaist weaklings, I guess you’re not man enough to digest the days headlines yourself, so Michael Ironside’s been called in to tell you what’s what. Don’t click away to the next page you asshole, Michael Ironside’s not here to be a part of your modern media short-attention span, he’s here to whip some well-needed knowledge and ball-kicks to you dregs.

Listen up, would-be hostage takers, we all know that there’s nothing on cable. Cable is bullshit, just there to distract you while the corporate assholes get your to buy a Shake Wieght. SO YOU CAN JACK OFF IN YOUR OWN FACE WHILE THEY LAUGH AT YOU AND LAUGH AT YOU!! WELL NOT ON MY WATCH!!!

Just because Discovery Channel is full of shit 51 weeks a year…oh, so surprised, that, yes, Michael Ironside enjoys Shark Week? What’s not to enjoy from 7 days of nature’s most awesome fury, a KILLING MACHINE who’s existence is the essence of simplicity itself. TO KILL. JUST KILL!!!! That’s a celebration Michael Ironside can buy into. But the rest of this cable nonsense needs to be taken down in a COORDINATED ASSAULT. Why take over the people who brought us Jon and Kate Plus 8 and leave whoever the FUCK thought up this show with midgets and pitbulls to walk the earth BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS YOU AND MICHAEL IRONSIDE!?!?!?! Why would one man walk into Discovery with a handgun and a propane tank and a flare, when a whole army could be raised on the underground, eating nothing but Tuna, and preparing, for a full assault on FX, TNT, The Cooking Network, and AMC (Breaking Bad isn’t a MOVIE CLASSIC, CHANGE YOUR FUCKING NAME OR MICHAEL IRONSIDE WILL KICK YOU IN THE BALLS. THE BALLS!!!).

Until such a point when we are organized enough to take down these Satellite-pimping pukes. Michael Ironside will continue to sit and wait. and wait. and wait.

And that’s Ironside’s Side

This is from a real article. It  was published in Christwire.org. My favorites are 11 and 14. In fact based on those two, I might be gay.

15 signs your husband is gay…

1. Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
2. Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
3. Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
4. Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
5. Gym membership but no interest in sports
6. Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
7. Strange sexual demands
8. More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
9. Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
10. Too many friendly young male friends
11. Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
12. Love of pop culture
13. Extroverted about his bare chest in public
14. Sudden heavy drinking
15. Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?

They forgot one point:

16. Likes men.

Fox News Chicago’s Anna Devlantes wrote this piece a couple weeks back, asserting that funding Chicago public libraries is a waste of taxpayer money. To make her point, she intentionally left out a hyphen from a conjunction in the first paragraph, uses bad grammar in the second, employs some impossible math in the fourth, utilizes a typo in the sixth and is totally arbitrary and inconsistent with her use of hyphens and em dashes throughout.

For example – check out the use of both an exclamation point AND a period illustrating her point. Not only is she excited about the 5000 visitors a day, but she also knows that she’s a professional reporter, and must end her sentences without emotion. I’m going to have to check MLA Guidelines, but, at first glance, it just seems right.

Brilliant, Devlantes! Very smart, indeed. If you could only now find a way to use horrible logic and leave out all facts, you would have totally driven home the… Wait a minute. Just re-read the piece. I’m wrong. You totally covered your bases.

Click here to view the embedded video.

I’ve always found it difficult to ‘name products’. I mean, what is going to capture the imagination of all potential consumers? Plus, you are probably trying to combat an already established market leader, so what do you do?

Toss it to the co-anchor. They will ALWAYS come up with something.

Claiming the famous logo is not longer grabbing consumer attention and hoping to boost sales, the pork industry is looking for a new slogan to replace “The other white meat.”

Top contenders so far include…