Alderman Ed Bus meets with Deb Matzo to discuss how to “rebrand” the Alderman, and make him more “Mayor-like.” How best to do this? Start hobnobbing with Chicago-elite like Steve Dolinsky (The Hungry Hound) and Stephanie Izard (Girl & the Goat). It’s a long trip, but the Alderman learns a little about himself.

An outbreak of salmonella in 10 states has prompted the recall of sprouts. You know why else sprouts should be recalled? Because they taste bad.

Let me put it another way: Sprouts are dumb. They are a dumb food. It’s like eating dirt.

Me At Jimmy John’s: I’ll take a #4, no sprouts. In fact, can you please remove all sprouts from your restaurant. They are a terrible, terrible food. If they have nutritional value, I say, so does dirt. And worms. Both of which taste no worse than sprouts. So I hear.

Stoned guy behind cash register: (stares).

So food industry people and gods of salmonella, do us a favor – when you figure out what caused this deadly outbreak, go ahead and don’t tell us. Just keep people guessing so they stop buying sprouts.

And the next time you’re at the store thinking about buying a bag of sprouts, buy lettuce instead. Though lettuce has no taste, you can splash on some balsamic vinegar and olive oil and end up with some flavor. With sprouts, the taste of dirt will climb it’s muddy way through the dressing and land on your tongue. You will be mad.

If we are what we eat, perhaps choose not to be dirt.

I don’t know if you’re thinking about eating an entire bag of these in one sitting, but I’d recommend not. My tongue hates me. I can only taste water.

I get that you White people like to keep your cool, pop culture discoveries all to yourselves (Whole Foods, the Prius, NPR, the healing properties of acai berries, etc.). But, dammit, one of you should have told me about this Nutella stuff. It’s the bomb. And, my gift to you: We don’t say “it’s the bomb” anymore. You’re welcome.

Just had this for lunch. It was quite mideasty. Not so feasty. I don’t know how the rest of the world likes to pre-package its minute-meals, but this is America. We have the Cheesecake Factory. If you’re gonna bring your lazy food game here, better biggie size it, friend.

I’m going now. Gotta get some food.

VS.

VS.

VS.

VS.