Category
Douche of the Day
-
05.08.08My Own Apathy for the Election…
I’m a Democrat, but right now, I’m just tired. I’m calling myself out as the Douche of the Day. Why? Because I just wish Hillary and Obama would stop fighting like a divorced couple who are campaigning for the most friends. At one time, the entire country was friends with both. “Hey Obama, we going to the game on Sunday? Cubs vs. Cards - it’s gonna be good!” “Hey Hillary, you gonna make book club tonight - Scarlet Letter - it’s gonna be good!” And America was happy. But then they got divorced. And then we started having to make choices. Choices about who was going to get the coffee table, and who was going to get the teacups from Aunt Jean. Choices about who was going to spoil us more during the holidays. Who was going to pay the highest price for my love?! At first, it was fun. What’s mom saying about dad?! What did dad just do?!
But now. Now, it’s just tiring. And Uncle John is just sitting in the background, quietly drinking his Scotch, and saying, “Mom and Dad will always fight. The love fighting more than you. But me. I’ll always love you…” And if we aren’t careful, I just may listen. I get tired of fighting. I just want someone to tell me they love me….
-
05.07.08PEOPLE WHO STILL SEND EMAILS IN ALL CAPS
IT’S LONG BEEN UNIVERSALLY AGREED THAT TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS THE EQUIVALENT OF SHOUTING. BUT THEY’RE STILL OUT THERE. THOSE FAIR-HEADED USERS OF JUNO.COM, THOSE CARRIERS OF YELLOW SONY SPORTS WALKMEN, THOSE WHO USE DIAL-UP TO GET ONLINE AND TYPE MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS. WHAT A WASTE OF ELECTRONIC REAL ESTATE. WHILE KNOWING FULL WELL THAT TYPING IN ALL CAPS TO MAKE A POINT ABOUT HOW DOUCHEY IT IS TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS IS DOUCHEY IN ITSELF, I’LL CEASE. I’M ALSO RUNNING OUT OF ROOM. IF YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS, STOP IT. IT’S EMAIL, NOT A TELEGRAM. STOP.
-
05.06.08Douche of Day: Stephen and Sandy
When I first saw our “Summer Movie Blockbuster Madness” brackets (look above), I loved the idea! I’m not much of a movie person. Last movie I saw in the theater was Super Bad, and that was a month after it was popular. I just don’t like spending money. And it costs me almost 30 bucks to go see shitty hollywood drivel. But I was excited about the brackets. And then last week, I asked the guys where “Sex and the City” was on the brackets. Stephe’s response was “Eh, not big enough”. Um, I hate to rip on my own, but SS, can you be more of a dude? Sandy then said “who’s going to go see that?” Then I boldly said that “Sex and City” will probably beat all the movies this year, including their fave “Indiana Jones”. They both fell off their chairs. Then SM said “All the women are gonna go see Indy dude…” So there you have it. I’m embarrassed that my fellow Schadders are prime-time douches, ladies. Not me, I’m going to watch this when it comes out on DVD.
-
05.05.08Going Green
I know, I know, the earth needs us now, more than ever… But, I’m still making the “green movement” my douche of the day. I can’t help but fast forward 15 years when we’ll look back at this time as “those few years where everyone got all excited about saving the environment”. It’s going to be like how 1985 was all about making bad group superstar sing-a-long albums to save Ethiopia. And how 1986 was all about “Hands Across America” to save… well, to bring awareness to… um, yeah. Or how those 2 weeks in 1991 were all about curing H.I.V because Magic wasn’t gay or un-famous. Don’t get me wrong — I get it — we need to stop being jerks and using every available resource our planet has to offer. BUT, can corporate America calm down with their attempt to not only build a band wagon, but also jump on it? And what’s with that messaging at the end of people’s business emails about reconsidering wether or not you’ll print that email (and subsequently save or destroy the universe)? Who is recklessly printing out hard copies of their emails? If you need to print it, you do. If you don’t, you don’t. Because it’s email. And what’s with all the new packaging in stores? How am I supposed to know which products are really better for the environment and which ones are just being trendy? Our choices seem to be this: use a shit ton of plastic and ruin the earth, or use Nalgene bottles over and over again and get cancer. And finally, isn’t the term “going green” a bit insensitive to the deserts and snow capped mountains?
-
05.02.08Douche of the Day: Made of Honor
What’s up Made of Honor? You gonna cry? Well you better cry because the Summer has begun and it’s Iron Man vs. Made of Honor. Hey, Patrick Dempsey, why don’t you take your Loverboy-Fast Times: The TV Show ass and get out of town before Iron Man brings the pain. You heard me, so your movie has more alcoholics in the cast, you think that scares the director of Elf? Michelle Monghan? Never heard of her, try Jeff Bridges, The Big friggin’ Lebowski. Over before it started. And don’t get all cocky What Happens In Vegas, you were named by a tourism board. You see Iron Man calling itself “Coke is it!”? No, Iron Man doesn’t play that. Now who’s punked? BY A ROCKET!
-
05.01.08IM’Speak.
I’m guilty of this too - but now it’s gotten out of hand. At first it was ok - when you’re in a rush to type something, but now, domains are using it, I get hit with it at work all the time, and my MOM even said, “LOL” in an email.
My mother.
It’s getting out of hand, and someone needs to put a stop to this. If you see any of these in an email/txt/IM - blacklist that individual. Call them a douche, and give them a cock-noogie.
- OMG.
- LOL.
- ROTFL.
- ROTFLMAO.
- BRB.
- TTYL.
- YT?
- IIRC.
- AFAIK.
- YMMV.
- L8R.
Seriously FU.
-
04.29.08I Can’t Decide Which Commercial Should Suck It
I really can’t decide. I’m really think I would be a rich man if some cable access or local tv station would give me a show where I just rip on commercials and local TV while it is on. Like MST3K but for what they put on the tv right now. Pick one: The Grand Theft Auto commercial is ridiculous. Even if you are a geek, you must admit that the 1 minute commercial of two eastern european guys talking about crime is bullshit. “What motivates you to do crime? other guy - “Cause I don’t care if I live or die…” and then 45 seconds of computer helicopters and low-riders. Or maybe it’s the Dish commercials with the guy who does the Madden impressions. He does Trump, he does Bush, he does Clinton and Dr. Phil. Amazing!!!!! Is there a rule in impressions that you can only do the same 5 dudes? At least throw in a new guy like Jake Gyllenhall. Nah, stick with Al Pacino. Nobody does him. His whole routine is to tell us in a funny way to get a better deal on cable. Why? So we can watch you?
-
04.28.08Campaigning on WWE
I think it’s safe to say that I could nominate one of the presidential candidates as a “douche of the day” every day from here til November… But this past week’s appearance on WWE hits an all time-fly-over-states low. I ask again, does this really strike a chord with any of the voters? Maybe it would if ONE of the candidates did it. But for Barack, Hillary and McCain to all appear? So lame. ”Hillrod”? And Obama can’t get off book for 2 lines? And what’s up with McCain’s pronunciation of “Barack” — you don’t wanna do a take-two of that one? My advice is that if they really want to woo that crowd they need to put on some lycra, dedazzled nut huggers — toss back some Shlitz — and go at it in the ring.
-
04.23.08Any movie that’s out now
Anyone else counting the days to the start of the summer movie season? Iron Man is in early May and I can’t wait, not only b/c it’s good . . . it’s gonna be good . . . but because just about every movie out now either sucks or looks like it sucks. Kate and I saw “21″ about a week ago, and it was so boring that I started doing bits about 10 minutes into the movie, a move typically reserved for romantic comedies or anything I see with Joel and Stephe. I was so excited to see a movie about Vegas and counting cards. I loved the book “Bringing Down the House.” This movie should have been called “Bringing Down the Audience into the Dumps.” And then a few days later, I bought “National Treasure II” in a hotel, and couldn’t believe how ABSOLUTELY AWFUL that movie is. Those of you who know me know I love just about every movie I see, especially if it’s made by Michael Bay or is set after World War III JUST happened. But movies now? Come on. UPDATE!Just saw “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” and that movie is absolutely hilarious. Guys, go see it before everyone tells you to see it. Some bits had me in tears, I was laughing so hard. Top marks, Jason Segal.
-
04.21.08Campaigning
Chelsea Clinton, PA Governor Ed Rendell and Rob Reiner walk into a gay bar on Friday night… No, not a bad gay joke — but instead Hillary’s camp trying to get some gay love at the polls. So, here’s what I don’t understand: why does this stuff work? Do the lesbians at “Bump” in Philly really think that Chelsea has come to have a drink and dance awkwardly with them because she’s looking for new friends? And how does stuff like this translate into actual votes? Do people really base their votes off of who sent their daughter out on a gay pub-crawl with the director of Spinal Tap?! If I were gay in PA, I’d be pissed that any candidate would assume that sharing an Appletini with me, means that they know who I am and what is important to me. Right? Has anyone arrived at the polls and thought, “What would Meathead do?” I don’t think so.
-
04.17.08Lost Boys 2: The Tribe
In most of these posts, we go through a long explanation of WHY so-and-so or such-and-such is Douche of the Day. As soon as I heard:
- There WAS a Lost Boys 2
- Corey Haim was pissed that he wasn’t asked to be in it
I knew I had found my DotD - and didn’t really need any justification…. Discuss.
-
04.16.08CD-specific iTunes gift cards
I think Apple’s gone off the deep end. Though I LOVE my Macbook and Widgets and fax machines and air phones, the idea of selling iTunes gift cards for specific CD’s is really douchey. About 3 weeks ago, I was in a Best Buy with Katie May while visiting my brother, and we saw a rack of iTunes gift cards for $13.99 for specific CD’s. In other words, you buy the iTunes gift card and get a code to go and download THAT ACTUAL CD. If you’re going that far, why not just buy the actual CD? If you’re going that far, why not just buy the physical iTunes gift card — but spring for $20, so your nephew can also download “Funeral Pyre for a Jedi”???? To quote Tom Lennon in “The State,” I may be old fashioned, but, come on. I don’t get it. It’s like getting a gift certificate for cottage cheese. Or something like that. Anyway, you might want to print out this particular Douche of the Day and post it on your fridge, just as a reminder about things that are generally douchey.
