Hey folks, Fred the Tuckpointer here reporting in from the  RED state of Ohio.   Sorry I’ve been away, but you know…the holidays.  Since I’ve been around the house a lot lately, Sadie’s been making me do all sorts of projects, to “keep me honest”, whatever that means.    So I painted the bathroom and cleaned out the garage a little around Christmas.  She wasn’t hot about the orange and brown colors I picked out for the shitter, but hey…I crap in there too.  Let a guy live a little.

Anyway, after the good times of the election came the dreaded “Lame Duck” session of Congress.  A better name would be “Danger Duck” or “Liberal Duck with Nothing to Lose”, ’cause most of the Democrats who lost didn’t have to worry about winning any more elections.   They tried to run all sorts of horseshit through the Congress before they got locked out.  The Liberal Media kept running stories that nothing ever gets done with the Lame Duck, but us Conservatives know better.

One great thing was how the GOP held the line on the tax cuts.  President George W. Bush got a bunch of tax cuts done back when he was in charge, but for some reason he didn’t make them forever.   Maybe they’re like Browns Season Tickets – you know they’re awesome, but you can’t ask for them forever – you may die before then.  The tax cuts for everyone – Lazy/Poor class, Medium class and the Successful class – were due to expire in 2011.  Now we all know that Obama wants everyone to be poor, so that he can enslave us and declare himself Barry Hussein the First.  He tried some bullshit about how the government couldn’t afford the tax cuts for the successful, which is stupid – just ask Rush Limbaugh.    I get that tax cuts are revenue for the government.  So how can they “lose” that money when it isn’t theirs to begin with?  Sound Conservative logic wins again.  And Reaganomics works just as well today as it ever did – the more the rich have, the more everyone has.  So the GOP played a little hard ball; they told Obama either the Successful keep their tax cuts, OR NO ONE GETS THEM.   It was awesome – just like the Godfather, McConnell gave Obama “an offer he couldn’t refuse”.  Sadie thinks that was really stupid because our taxes would have gone up (we’re in the Medium class), but if you can’t stand for principle, what can you stand for?  Besides, Obama’s a pussy and he caved right away, so it all worked out great.  After everything was done I gave my old boss Richie a call asking him when the next job was going to be.   I mean, with his tax cut that meant things were going to pick up, right?  He’ s a small business owner, so I figured he’d invest in something or maybe a richer guy would need his mansion tuckpointed.  Well, Richie says I’m an idiot and that whatever he’s keeping doesn’t mean shit because he’s going to use it to pay off some debt.  See, this is why *I* should be in charge.  Richie’s probably a closet liberal that won’t take what’s his and help grow the economy.  I’m sure it’ll make its way to me soon, though.  People always need tuckpointing.

Anyway, so the tax thing was saved.  The other stuff that happened wasn’t that big of a deal.  I got no problem with gays serving in the military.  I know some other conservatives don’t like it, but I know this gay guy Jerry who’s into MMA, and he’s a bad ass who beat some dudes up at Johny’s last year when they called him a queen.   I say let’s turn him loose – if he’s into triangle-choking terrorists, I figure we can let him do what he likes, then God can punish him or whatever down the road.    On the scale of Conservative stuff, making sure taxes don’t go up was the more important thing.

Listen, I gotta get outside – Sadie’s screaming about the snowblower not starting, and she’s gotta be able to get out of the driveway for work tomorrow.   Guess there’s another project, eh?  ROFLMA.  Till next time, Fred the Tuckpointer signing off.

Did you know that Subway now does breakfast? No? Thought they were just famous for the $5 Footlong annoyance? Well, they now put egg on English Muffins. And you can put stuff in the egg. Or something like that. Anyways – they want YOU to check it out (as long as you live in the NW Indiana/Chicago area) – walk on in, tell ‘em what you want – and they HAVE to make it. Because they sent out an email that said they would. Points to anyone who takes one bite, throws it in the trash and says, “I’m going to Potbelly.” Enjoy your free breakfast.

Isabella Davies

I’ve even met her on a couple of occasions, and once, even smiled at me – so that’s all good. I couldn’t be happier for the new family, and wish them nothing but the best in all they do for the rest of their lives!

I’m hoping by this point, the snippet that shows up on Facebook and Google has expired, and I get to the real reason I’m posting this. I’m gonna need some SERIOUS time off this summer, and if I can get in good with improving the boss’ baby profile on the Parents magazine site, then that’s what I’m going to do.

So, here’s what I need from you: VOTE. Click this link and VOTE to improve this baby. DON’T go voting anyone else when you get there, that would defeat your vote. And I need votes for “Kinda Coy” (that’s the caption on the pic – kinda feels like the name of a racehorse in the Kentucky Derby, but hey, I didn’t write it)

And how often do you need to vote? Every day. I may just copy/paste this post, and not add anything new so it shows up EVERY DAY (you can vote once a day) until she breaks 250. I figure if I can achieve a 375% increase in rating on the Parents website, then I deserve at LEAST another 4 days of vacation.

So, retweet, Digg, Google Buzz this shit – I need to get some TIME.

We now bring you back to your normal, everyday snark.

The Mutual of Omaha has declared itself “Proud Sponsor of Life’s Aha Moments.”  The American Cancer Society claims to be “The Official Sponsor of Birthdays.”  I’m sure it won’t be long until other companies declare themselves the “Official Sponsor” of some random thing that doesn’t cost any money.

Might I suggest:
Apple — The Official Sponsor of Hype
Werther’s Original — The Official Sponsor of Old
The United States Congress — The Official Sponsor of Stagnation
McDonald’s — The Official Sponsor of Heart Attacks
Expired Chicken — The Official Sponsor of Taking Out the Trash
Dancing With the Stars — The Official Sponsor of Wanting to Shoot Yourself in the Face
Toyota — The Official Sponsor of Apologies
Twitter — The Official Sponsor of Life’s Who Cares Moments
NCIS — The Official Sponsor of Talking to the Corpse on the Autopsy Table
The O’Hare Airport Body Scanners — The Official Sponsor of Sexy

I think it’s been about 20 years since I heard about a case of pink eye. I don’t even know what it is, except for what I learned in Junior High, and “Knocked Up” – and from both of those sources, I learned it has to do with your butt and and your eye. Normally, those two parts of your body should not share ANY real estate – so when someone gets pink eye… I get a little judgmental. I start wondering what he/she did to, as far as I and my junior high/movie education can figure out, get poop in their eye.

Childish? Maybe. I’m just saying – but now, you’re gonna think it too, so I’m pretty sure I did my job. Public Safety and Health – and keeping poop out of your eye.

Every day is a mission, and today, I can say, “Mission accomplished.”

Click here to view the embedded video.

Hey folks,  Fred the Tuckpointer here with a story that starts off horrible but ends up well because of conservatism.  I’d been staying with my sister Mis while my shoulder healed after I hurt it falling off the side of our house.  Wal-Mart doesn’t pay for sick time off so  I knew I had to start punching the clock again to make up some of the dough I’ve been burning through.  Problem is, I work in Receiving, and even though the quack at the Emergency Room told me my shoulder would be fine in a week its still really stiff and sore.  I have to be able to unload the semis when they come in the morning, and I didn’t think I’d be able to do that in my current condition.  What to do?

I gave Heather a call in Payroll and explained to her what happened.  She told me
that I was not working in receiving until I had a doctor’s note telling me I  was all
better so I couldn’t try to hit them for workman’s comp.   Now, I thought she’d have
me back in Sporting Goods or Electronics, but those punk college kids are in town
for their Fall break and somehow are able to get in those areas.   Jig’s got
Automotives, no argument there – dude knows his cars.  I couldn’t do stock; I didn’t
want to work in the deli.  And Heather said I was too young to be Greeter.  So that
left only one thing: Checkouts.

Boy, that was embarrassing.  None of the guys work the registers up front – its all ladies.  Not that a guy can’t do the job as well, or that girls can’t do things like work in Sporting Goods; its just men are made for certain things and women are made for others.   And I’m telling you, men are not made to be cashiers.   But I had no choice; either that or sit on my dupa making squat waiting for my shoulder to start working again.

Now you think ringing somebody up and making change is easy…think again.  Nowadays everything is computerized, and not easy like Internet blogging.  There’s all these barcodes and key sequences…Point of Sale, Invalid CUs…Heather made me watch a video on how to work the register, then I signed a form stating I understood the policies, etc.  I had to put on an apron and a name tag, then got my cash bag and headed up front.

All of the checkout ladies thought it was cute that ol’ Fred had to run a register with them.  My line was always the longest ’cause I kept screwing up the buttons, my scanner only worked from a certain angle, and because it was “Cash Only.”   After a while I started to get the hang of it, and around 3 Bea let me go on lunch break.  I flipped off my register light and hustled back to the break room to watch the Browns finish putting a hurting on Buffalo – first win of the year! We’ll have to run the table, but the playoffs are not out of the picture…yet.

So you’re asking “Fred, how did Obama cost you your job?”.  Here’s how:   when I got back to the registers, the two rent-a-cops that work security were standing by my lane.  The old geezer who used to work the Cleveland force pointed to my till…which I guess I had forgotten to close when I took off for break.   You guessed it – all the cash was gone.  They walked me back to their little office off of the garage and told me to take a seat.  Then the interrogation started.   Like, where’s the money?  After a couple of hours a cop showed up and took a statement.  Jerry the store manager came in with Heather.  I was starting to sweat it some…I know I didn’t take the cash, but how could I prove it?  I told the cop he could pat me down but they said they didn’t think it was necessary.  I signed some papers and then the cop took off.  Jerry dressed me down pretty good; I guess the cop filled him in on my arrest a few weekends back.  That was the clincher.  They fired me right there, gave me my last check, and took my nametag and apron.  Then he banned me from the store and told me to get out of his sight.  The stupid security guards wanted to escort me, but I told them I’d see myself out and left.  I gave ol’ Bea the stink eye when I passed her;  I’m pretty sure it was her who ripped off the till.  Guess I’ll never know.   So  Obama is at fault here in two ways.

1.  Because he’s going to raise taxes, people like Bea are getting desperate for cash and will commit crimes to get it.
2.  For anyone who doesn’t believe Obama wants Socialism, look at how quickly the Feds must have zeroed in on
everyone who was at the Tea Parties – that’s how the cop knew to tell my boss about my protesting.

Jig, who’s always wanted to organize at the store, said if we had a union they would have fought for me, but unions = socialism.

But its always darkest before it is light.  I just got a call from my old boss Richie – A tuckpointing job just came in.  He said a chunk of the Terminal Tower fell off and hit some old lady, and the city is using stimulus money to have the side of the building cleaned up.  Richie’s brother Jimmy just got called for another tour in Afghanistan, so he’s short one man for the job.   I’m back in business, and all thanks to a hero.   Maybe during the job I’ll get to talk to Richie about buying the business from him.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  Till then, Fred the Tuckpointer signing off.

Not sure if Windows 7 wants me to join their cult? Or if Windows 7 is a new sitcom that takes place in a upper middle class kitchen? All I know is those 4 people would never hang out together under any circumstance. Ever. And after watching the entire thing, I have no idea what they are talking about. What follows is one of the best/worst industrial videos I’ve seen in a long time.

Click here to view the embedded video.

However – see what a little editing can do to make this video, a whole lot more interesting….

Click here to view the embedded video.

Oh NOes!! Was Adam robbed?! Is Kris gay? Did Sandy really watch an entire season of American Idol? How many times did he vote for the guy that he likes? Did a gymnast really win Dancing with the Stars? Is all this related? At the end of the day, we find out that big corporations MAY have done something SLIGHTLY illegal that MIGHT have influenced the outcome of something that is sponsored by Pepsi.

Are you really going to site there and try to tell me that you are surprised? Really? America?

You disappoint me.

How many times did you vote, Sandy?

[link to the story]

Here are a couple of jokes  I made during my last teleconference with my “team” both of which were met with dead silence.

First, the director of our department (our boss) mentioned how he wanted to engage a means of communicating with one another that is really cutting edge. One that that no other dept. in the company is currently using. Somebody in the group suggested iChat while another mentioned instant messaging. Both of these were kindly dismissed by our boss so I said:

“I know a guy who can get us a screaming deal on pagers”.

Nothing – crickets.

Second joke: While waiting for our boss we started conversing amongst ourselves. The topic was movies and specifically the movie Doubt with Philip Seymour Hoffman. Somebody said: “He’s such a great actor. He can play almost any role”.
To which I responded:

“Oh absolutely, He can play the fat guy. The sweaty guy. The guy with bad teeth. The guy with bad hair. The fat guy with bad teeth. The fat guy with bad teeth and bad hair. There is almost no limit to his range.”

Again, silence.

Granted, these aren’t hum-dingers but they hold their own, right?