Schadenfreude.net the Official Sponsor of Official Sponsors
The Mutual of Omaha has declared itself “Proud Sponsor of Life’s Aha Moments.” The American Cancer Society claims to be “The Official Sponsor of Birthdays.” I’m sure it won’t be long until other companies declare themselves the “Official Sponsor” of some random thing that doesn’t cost any money.
Might I suggest:
Apple — The Official Sponsor of [...]
Seriously… Pink eye?!
I think it’s been about 20 years since I heard about a case of pink eye. I don’t even know what it is, except for what I learned in Junior High, and “Knocked Up” – and from both of those sources, I learned it has to do with your butt and and your eye. [...]
Obama cost me my job…
Hey folks, Fred the Tuckpointer here with a story that starts off horrible but ends up well because of conservatism. I’d been staying with my sister Mis while my shoulder healed after I hurt it falling off the side of our house. Wal-Mart doesn’t pay for sick time off so I knew I had to [...]
Have You Accepted Windows 7 As Your Personal Savior?
Not sure if Windows 7 wants me to join their cult? Or if Windows 7 is a new sitcom that takes place in a upper middle class kitchen? All I know is those 4 people would never hang out together under any circumstance. Ever. And after watching the entire thing, I [...]
What?! Cheating on American Idol?!
Oh NOes!! Was Adam robbed?! Is Kris gay? Did Sandy really watch an entire season of American Idol? How many times did he vote for the guy that he likes? Did a gymnast really win Dancing with the Stars? Is all this related? At the end of the day, we find out that big corporations [...]
Is it me or do my co-workers just not get me??
Here are a couple of jokes I made during my last teleconference with my “team” both of which were met with dead silence.
First, the director of our department (our boss) mentioned how he wanted to engage a means of communicating with one another that is really cutting edge. One that that no other dept. in [...]
Candy-gram!
Quick, when I say Landshark what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Right, the Jimmy Buffet/Margaritaville Enterprise beer of the same name brewed by Anheuser Busch. I mean, what else would you think about?
Okay maybe you’re really hip and with it so you just happen to know that Landshark is the new name for [...]
Hey GM, did you not understand the assignment?
When I ask Sheila a question, and she answers after having clearly not listened to me for a moment, she realizes this, and says, “Sorry, I didn’t understand the assignment.” The classic “Get Out of Jail Free” card from high school. It’s ok, it’s our shorthand for me to know that she knows [...]
Uncomfortable Situation #322
Sometimes having a sense of humor doesn’t help in even the most dire of circumstances. Either the environment, the people around you, or just the time of day can deflect even your strongest one-liners. Sometimes, all you can do is sit back and watch.
Over the holidays, Sheila’s dad told me a great joke. [...]
Today Only: Free Coffee for Free
In case you haven’t heard, the Starbucks ad campaign offering a free tall coffee to anyone who votes was deemed illegal because you can’t give anyone a gift for voting — so today, anyone who walks into Starbucks and asks for a free tall coffee for free, well, gets it for free. The one [...]
See, We Are Deeper Than A Puddle!
We don’t always just make fun of the Police, Dodgers fans or the current/possible future of American Government. For example – check out the work we did with a great agency here in Chicago, AllTerrain. For once, someone is putting their power to good use! Check out the videos at the site DudeWeCanFixIt.com!
$10 at [...]
Really? Outlook?
Last weekend whilst in our Nation’s Capital with John Marshall running in the Army 10-Miler (which should really be a separate post — short version — most organized race of all time, running around every amazing national monument, perfect weather, at least 3 new greenlight-ready-Bruckheime-movie-ideas) I saw an ad for the new Saturn Outlook. [...]
The Marketing of Fluids, Part 45
So we’re in northern Michigan for a few days. I’m currently writing this from the Biggby Coffee Shop, which I learned was previously called Beaner’s but had to change their name b/c the Beaner’s corporation is expanding westward, and Beaner is derogatory. Sidebar: Anytime I’m in a gas station, I get the absolute [...]
With a double shot of free.
Thanks to Connor for this story — a Chicago cop was just suspended and ordered into counseling for demanding free coffee from area Starbucks locations over a few years time. She’d go in, order, yell at the employees to give her free coffee, then if they didn’t she’d flip out and brandish her badge [...]
Special Thanks to Guy at Walgreen’s
Adam has a great theory, second only to the theory that “Communism Never Works” — and that’s that no matter the time of day or season of year, there’s always a problem in line at Walgreen’s. Truest thing of all time. UNTIL NOW! Must be that the honey bees are disappearing, maybe [...]
Why You Gotta Be Like That Dunkin’ Donuts?!
Seriously, Dunkin’ Donuts? You’re going to pull your new Rachel Ray ad because a few people with big mouths and blogs (yes, I see the irony) said that her scarf was really a keeiyeh and wearing it makes her a jihad loving celebrity chef?! You’re going to crumble that easily? All it takes is for [...]
Let’s Go Sell Some Vista!
I don’t know about you, but I love the fact I can see what’s on my employee’s laptops – and we are going to ROCK VISTA SALES WITH SP1 – WOOOOO MDAM!
Teamwork
Did the speaker in the lecture I’m currently editing actually put the American Heritage Dictionary Definition of the word “Teamwork” up on the board? And then tell the crowd what each letter stood for? I think he did.
Accenture-Speak
By day, I’m a fast-talking, merchandising, get-things-done kinda guy. I immerse myself in the 90 minute meetings where everything is boiled down to an “action item” and I’m always asked to “prioritize” something. The problem is, every time I try to just “say” what it is I’m doing, I get weird looks from [...]
How to annoy your fill in the blank
Came across a fun website, GetAnnoyed.com. Full of funny ways to annoy people. Nothing amuses me more than coming up with fun scenarios on how to annoy people, and in fact, at my very first job in Chicago, I created a workable door out of posterboard and boxes for my cubicle. It [...]
PowerPoint.
This one gets two categories. It’s a Douche of the Day because it is the new standard by which Corporate ideas can be sent around, analyzed and give people who have no artistic ability the false hope that adding a “checkerbox” transition between slides will make the sale go through. At it’s core, [...]
Hey, I’m headed to the Outlet Mall…
Anybody need anything?
Khakis from Van Heusen?
Big Dog t-shirt?
Book for a dollar?
Shitty motorcycle jacket? Anybody?
Stripey sheets?
Mikasa Plates?
Bass moccassins?
Poncho?
Sunburn?
Two dollar candy bar? I’m going, I can bring something back…
The flu?
Shitty baby diapers?
Cowboy’s red bandana?
Map of the Outlet Mall?