Category
Corporate America
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04.16.08Let’s Go Sell Some Vista!
I don’t know about you, but I love the fact I can see what’s on my employee’s laptops - and we are going to ROCK VISTA SALES WITH SP1 - WOOOOO MDAM!
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04.09.08
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03.13.08Accenture-Speak
By day, I’m a fast-talking, merchandising, get-things-done kinda guy. I immerse myself in the 90 minute meetings where everything is boiled down to an “action item” and I’m always asked to “prioritize” something. The problem is, every time I try to just “say” what it is I’m doing, I get weird looks from people as though I’m speaking Swahili. For example, in a meeting today I said,
So I’m going to put together a list of the Top 10 selling items, and then make sure that the right products are listed for the cross-sell opportunities, which would lead to a life in store revenue.
A couple of strange looks from around the table. I cleared my throat and said instead,
I’m optimizing the cross- and up-sell inventories for our high-margin, top-profit items. This should increase the AOV over the next Quarter.
Everyone nodded approval. I said the same thing, twice. We all know what we’re doing, why do we have to use the big words? Does it make you feel smarter? I assign this kind of corporate big-word using to Accenture. The kings of all kings of contracting. For example, in response to a question:
Sorry for the delay in responding as we are sorting through this situation by evaluating two agencies currently on our roster. Our intent is to provide clarity of roles to support the requirements that the teams are leading. To that end they are developing a review of roles & responsibilities for each of our partners to maximize synergy and avoid duplication.
Um. Ok. You could have just said,
We aren’t 100% sure who’s gonna be responsible for what, but as soon as we do, we’ll let you know. We don’t feel like paying for the same thing twice.
Same message, fewer words, efficient. That’s what I’m all about. Efficiency.
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02.22.08How to annoy your fill in the blank
Came across a fun website, GetAnnoyed.com. Full of funny ways to annoy people. Nothing amuses me more than coming up with fun scenarios on how to annoy people, and in fact, at my very first job in Chicago, I created a workable door out of posterboard and boxes for my cubicle. It was cutting edge back in the mid-90’s. Now that I think of it, nothing amuses me MORE than watching siblings bicker. Being a sibling, and having had some classic arguments with my brother, I giggle just writing this. One time we really got into it on the floor at New York New York in Vegas. We should start a round robbin tournament for sibling bickering and charge tickets — “And he’s gonna fight Jeremyyyyyyy. Jeremy’s the older brother and he’s still pissed about Christmasssssss!”
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02.07.08PowerPoint.
Schadenfreude.net” />This one gets two categories. It’s a Douche of the Day because it is the new standard by which Corporate ideas can be sent around, analyzed and give people who have no artistic ability the false hope that adding a “checkerbox” transition between slides will make the sale go through. At it’s core, PowerPoint is a good idea - a universal way to share ideas. What it’s become is a bastardization of that concept. When Managers, Team Leaders, Vice Presidents and Assistant TO the Regional Managers end every meeting with, “Hey, why don’t you throw that on a slide and pass around for discussion next time, ” when discussing some vital aspect of the company that CAN’T be summed down to “a slide” - it has overstayed it’s welcome. Not all ideas CAN or SHOULD be summarized onto a single slide. What’s even worse are the ULTRA-CREATIVEs out there who put one word on a slide, and say, “How do you react?” TO WHAT? To the word, “Zeal” on a white background written in 72pt Arial that’s colored Magenta? I feel like I’m about to waste the next 60 minutes of my life that I will NEVER get back….
An addendum to PowerPoint - when people take screenshots, then paste them into Excel, and send around and say, “Why is this happening?” are perhaps even dumber than those that say, “Throw that on a slide for me.” If you’re smart enough to take the damn screenshot, you’re smart enough to just attach it to an email! -
08.28.07Hey, I’m headed to the Outlet Mall…
Anybody need anything?
Khakis from Van Heusen?
Big Dog t-shirt?
Book for a dollar?
Shitty motorcycle jacket? Anybody?
Stripey sheets?
Mikasa Plates?
Bass moccassins?
Poncho?
Sunburn?
Two dollar candy bar? I’m going, I can bring something back…
The flu?
Shitty baby diapers?
Cowboy’s red bandana?
Map of the Outlet Mall? -
08.23.07It’s Just Mortgages.
With all the talk about today’s housing market, well, who knows, but there sure is a lot of talk about today’s housing market!
Anyway, my friend Dean Vlamis of PERL Mortgage (where I also work now and then — that’s right, I’m a licensed loan officer) was recently featured on a local news show for his take on the current market situation.
Directed by Schadenfriend Steve Delahoyde and featuring Schadenfriend Holly Laurent.
Check it out HERE! -
08.17.07
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08.10.07On Zappos.com
We here at Schadenfreude.net spend a lot of timing telling you what companies suck in our own fun and fantastic way. But sometimes, a big company’s customer service is so amazing that it becomes worthy of a Schadenfreude Hurrah.
That company is Zappos.com. -
07.31.07Why you should visit the Andersonville Sprint Store
About a month ago, I finally made the switch from the regular cell phone to the PDA smart phone and needless to say I love it. (Like most tech things, I like to keep about a 2-year distance behind Stephe so he can work the kinks out.) Anyway, I got the new Motorola Q at the Sprint Store in Andersonville (Clark & Berwyn) and have had a month of fantastic personal service — so great that it seems as if I’m living in small town Kansas in 1954.
Gary, the store owner, explained to me that he used to work for Sprint, thought he could improve on a lot of their internal systems, and then branched out to open his own franchise. He’s not kidding you guys. I’ve been there 3 times to fix small issues and have called about 5 times. Every single time, there have been no irate customers. No disgruntled employees. Gary is always there and always greets me by name and says stuff like “Did you get the Gmail fixed on the Q?”
HUH? Could this be Chicago? Say it ain’t so!
When I asked him about his amazing reception, he said that he’s there all the time and genuinely wants to help customers fix problems. It’s that simple. If only Sprint as a company could take note from Gary. Reader, if you ever find yourself needing to make a call to a Sprint store, go see Gary and you will not be sorry. Tell him I sent ya.
