Hey folks, Fred the Tuckpointer here reporting in from the  RED state of Ohio.   Sorry I’ve been away, but you know…the holidays.  Since I’ve been around the house a lot lately, Sadie’s been making me do all sorts of projects, to “keep me honest”, whatever that means.    So I painted the bathroom and cleaned out the garage a little around Christmas.  She wasn’t hot about the orange and brown colors I picked out for the shitter, but hey…I crap in there too.  Let a guy live a little.

Anyway, after the good times of the election came the dreaded “Lame Duck” session of Congress.  A better name would be “Danger Duck” or “Liberal Duck with Nothing to Lose”, ’cause most of the Democrats who lost didn’t have to worry about winning any more elections.   They tried to run all sorts of horseshit through the Congress before they got locked out.  The Liberal Media kept running stories that nothing ever gets done with the Lame Duck, but us Conservatives know better.

One great thing was how the GOP held the line on the tax cuts.  President George W. Bush got a bunch of tax cuts done back when he was in charge, but for some reason he didn’t make them forever.   Maybe they’re like Browns Season Tickets – you know they’re awesome, but you can’t ask for them forever – you may die before then.  The tax cuts for everyone – Lazy/Poor class, Medium class and the Successful class – were due to expire in 2011.  Now we all know that Obama wants everyone to be poor, so that he can enslave us and declare himself Barry Hussein the First.  He tried some bullshit about how the government couldn’t afford the tax cuts for the successful, which is stupid – just ask Rush Limbaugh.    I get that tax cuts are revenue for the government.  So how can they “lose” that money when it isn’t theirs to begin with?  Sound Conservative logic wins again.  And Reaganomics works just as well today as it ever did – the more the rich have, the more everyone has.  So the GOP played a little hard ball; they told Obama either the Successful keep their tax cuts, OR NO ONE GETS THEM.   It was awesome – just like the Godfather, McConnell gave Obama “an offer he couldn’t refuse”.  Sadie thinks that was really stupid because our taxes would have gone up (we’re in the Medium class), but if you can’t stand for principle, what can you stand for?  Besides, Obama’s a pussy and he caved right away, so it all worked out great.  After everything was done I gave my old boss Richie a call asking him when the next job was going to be.   I mean, with his tax cut that meant things were going to pick up, right?  He’ s a small business owner, so I figured he’d invest in something or maybe a richer guy would need his mansion tuckpointed.  Well, Richie says I’m an idiot and that whatever he’s keeping doesn’t mean shit because he’s going to use it to pay off some debt.  See, this is why *I* should be in charge.  Richie’s probably a closet liberal that won’t take what’s his and help grow the economy.  I’m sure it’ll make its way to me soon, though.  People always need tuckpointing.

Anyway, so the tax thing was saved.  The other stuff that happened wasn’t that big of a deal.  I got no problem with gays serving in the military.  I know some other conservatives don’t like it, but I know this gay guy Jerry who’s into MMA, and he’s a bad ass who beat some dudes up at Johny’s last year when they called him a queen.   I say let’s turn him loose – if he’s into triangle-choking terrorists, I figure we can let him do what he likes, then God can punish him or whatever down the road.    On the scale of Conservative stuff, making sure taxes don’t go up was the more important thing.

Listen, I gotta get outside – Sadie’s screaming about the snowblower not starting, and she’s gotta be able to get out of the driveway for work tomorrow.   Guess there’s another project, eh?  ROFLMA.  Till next time, Fred the Tuckpointer signing off.

There’s just something about the “no bullshit” attitude about his request/issue. He very clearly, from the get-go, as soon as I open the email, let’s me know what to expect.

Subject: I have a proposal of $12.5M.
Body: I have a proposal of $12.5M.Contact email: patrick [dot] chan39 [at] gmail [dot] com

Seriously – is there any question?

I think I’m gonna email him.

This is another video in a series of public radio commercials. It features Kate and WBEZ host Steve Edwards. He’s funny.

I don’t care.

Let me be more specific. I am talking directly to my co-workers. Hey – I’m all excited for you. I think it’s wonderful that you have taken it upon yourselves to run mass distances and try to beat imaginary times. I have respect for people that train for hours on end to become really good at running. To be the best running person you can be. Even better if it’s a first time thing, and you’re getting psyched for that first race that you know you can’t win, and your only stated goal is that you “finish” it. And that there’s this thing called “Personal Records” – PR for the initiated – and that you go out and compare your PR with someone else’s PR and then another PR of some guy from Botswana and then that dude who was right in front of you for the first 11 miles, and then at 12.2 you just overtook him and beat his PR and your PR and then there was a PR party.

I get it. I just don’t want to have to hear 30 minutes of talk about it. 30 minutes of how you pushed through. Of how you massaged your leg afterwards. How you wore the new shoes. How the socks are good. How you wore too much or not enough pants.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate your dedication to your health. Heck, this may be out of jealousy. But don’t make me listen. Please. This is akin to hearing about someone’s grandmother. I’m sure she’s a dear, but she ain’t my grandma.

Ack. Maybe I’m so grumpy because it’s Tuesday.

At what point do we stop blaming the “Economy” for shitty places closing? If Ed Debevic’s were to close tomorrow, or, in reality, Mr. Beef on Orleans, it is now being considered a casualty of these “tough times” and not one of poor service, shitty food or bad management.

Ladies and Gentlemen – I propose this. If Mr. Beef closes, it’s because the beef is bland. Because the burgers are frozen patties tossed onto a very hot grill. Because the sausage has been sitting there for 9 hours with a man that’s not quite sure what soap is turning it with his fingertips. Because the guy taking your order forgets what you ordered WHILE he’s yelling it to the guy standing 3 feet away from him. And, last time I checked, it’s not cool to say, “Ah fuck. Where the hell is the butter?” When there’s a customer standing right on the other side of the counter.

That’s why you close.

Connor took the photoshop contest I was rockin’ yesterday to a whole new level. Lazies and Gentleman, check out Mr. Kalista’s mash-up for the Willis Tower elevator video…

So, Circuit City is officially liquidating ALL of their assets. (Translation: Cash in those cards you got over the holidays NOW). I know Sandy won’t miss these guys, and honestly, I won’t either – but for some reason, Sandy likes Best Buy. His defense? Something along the lines of, “they’re hot.” or “I like America.”

Here’s why I respected Circuit City. In 2003, the cut salesperson commissions. So, no longer, when I went to buy a TV, CD Player or DVD Player was I trying to be talked into the $42 gold-plated cables that were coated with the blood of unicorns and rolled on the thighs of virgin. Why? Because the salesperson didn’t give a shit. At the end of the day – Circuit City didn’t give a shit, and they were honest about it. Best Buy, Wal-Mart – anyone else – they don’t really give a shit about YOU. You can stand up and scream all you want about how you’re the consumer, and it’s your money, and you could go somewhere else – but the guy working for $4.37/hr and dealing with a manager who has a 9PM curfew really doesn’t care.

Best Buy organizes their store, they greet you, they PRETEND to be your friend – but then rush you into buying the more expensive LCD 52″ HDTV + Comcast cable (even though your building is RCN) and 10 BluRay movies (even though they forgot to sell you a BluRay player) because your kid is screaming. Same experience at Circuit City would be you leaving the store empty handed. $3K richer, no TV, but at least I, as another customer, don’t have to hear the screaming baby.

Additionally, Best Buy had been guilty of publishing different prices on the internet you get at home, and their own private internal network. What does this mean? Online, you see a movie for $10.99 – say Armageddon. You go into the store, and the movie is price at $12.99. You mention it to salesperson, “Hey, I saw this move $2 cheaper online.” At which point they walk you over to their computer department, pull up the BestBuy website – and sure enough, it’s the $12.99 price, and NOT the $10.99 price. You’re the fool now, and you say sorry, and the sales guy says no problem. Now granted – $2 on a movie like Armageddon they’re only gonna sell 2 copies of the movie. One to Sandy, one to his brother. BUT – this happened on all electronics. Circuit City? Not even smart enough to THINK of a plan like that.

I’m gonna miss the ole’ stupid Circuit City. Now replaced by the blue-shirted army. I toast you, and wish you well, you future Car Wash Managers of America!

Todd Voorhies would be jealous. Mukesh Ambani, one of the richest men in the world, has just completed the world’s first billion dollar home in India. This ridiculously absurd skyscraper has in-house car maintenance, 600 full-time staff, and a helipad. Now, this guy’s worth about 70 billion. He wants to build a place like this, cool. But Mr. Ambani, next time, maybe don’t build your billion dollar home so that it’s physical resting on rivers of piss and raw sewage flowing through your neighbors’ street-level shanty’s. 75% of India’s residents live well below the poverty level, and while he can certainly do whatever he likes with his own money, next time I might suggest giving a mere MILLION to provide Clif bars and Smart Water to nearby constituents for the NEXT FULL DECADE. Hell, get a corporate sponsor! How about a street-level floor with about 500 public toilets and free Jamba Juices for everyone? Come ON! Where’s the karma? Sidenote: this Coruscant-like monstrosity was designed by Perkins & Will in Chicago. Perkins and Will, according to their website, is committed to immersing their design teams into the clients’ culture, mission, values and vision to create striking, environmentally responsible, forward-looking buildings that enhance lives of communities.

Are you bored? Are you lonely? Do you need some help picking out that next tattoo? Wish you could have some celebrity – any celebrity – come and assist in making that decision? Or maybe, just maybe, you’re looking for a really poorly put-together website that looks like it was done in Microsoft Word. Or, lastly, you are wondering what happened to Dennis Rodman after his movie, Simon Sez.

Well wonder no longer! In fact, for the right price, you can ask him all those questions, and get some time of unlimited photographs! Just check out his site, RentRodman.com – and tell ‘em Schad sent you. It won’t actually get you anything, but it would be nice for someone to tell him that.

Lenny works for the City of Chicago.


When he comes knocking, he introduces himself as “The City of Chicago.” Please let him in. He will sit down with your boss, and ask him some friendly questions. He will ask him what your company does. DO NOT use big words like, “Interactive Agency” or “Custom Software Developer.” DO use “We build websites.” Lenny understands the smaller words and concepts.


He will ask you if you applied for a “City of Chicago Business License.” DO NOT say things like, “Business license….?” or “I have one from the State of Illinois…” DO say things like, “We have filled out the paperwork, just waiting to send it in…”


He will then go on, and explain to you that you will get a ticket, and, with a smile on his face, tell you some bad jokes about his wife (You think this winter storm is bad, try coming home late to my wife. THAT’s a cold shoulder), print up a receipt – and tell you that you need to apply for a City of Chicago Business License so that you can continue to do business here. Because, “Hey, the Mayor needs his cut too, right?”


PS. That badge is from when he was a cop. He was a cop for 37 years.