Definition: (n.) [inst-EIN-es] Cats who have figured out that it’s not a shiny, fast, and mysterious creature. It’s a laser and you’re holding it in your hand.

Usage: If I had to choose between saving your life, or the cat’s – I choose the Einst-ines. He doesn’t leave the milk out all night.

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Billy Mays would have sold the SHIT out of these.

Welcome to the second edition of the new weekly column where we nominate someone to become the next future of the GOP. I say we, because I’d like input from you. The GOP goes through quite a few leaders these days, and they need our help. Here, you can read all about the New Futures of the GOP since the election in November.

This week, I’m going to return leadership of the GOP back to the capable hands of Minority Leader John Boehner, who points to farting cows as evidence that rising carbon dioxide levels are nothing to worry about. And I can tell you, having spent summers on my grandma’s farm, cows do fart and it is smelly. And if Boehner is correct, then we’ve got a serious problem with both India, where cows are held to be sacred, and Irish farmers who let the thoughtless bovine climate-changers roam freely on country highways – sometimes causing an American in a terrifyingly tiny car to swerve into the left curb, justifying his purchase of hub cap insurance from the car rental company, and scaring the bejesus out of his wife. I hate cows.

But man, this is the best unintentional sketch in the history of unintentional sketches. I bring you (after everyone else already has)…Sarah Palin and the Turkey-killers. Just watch the guy in the background. The award goes to him.