Action Figure Says

“Heyyyyyy, come on in ya guys. Come on in, now. Supper’s almost ready! How’re the roads? Still icy? Yeah, figured as much, well, ya know, figuring since we were just out there ourselves and all. What’s that? Oh yeah, sure, just hopped in the old Jimmy and plowed through it all, ya know, with the driveway and all it was sort-of a trick-a-doo, but we got ‘er back in just fine. Sure did. Take ‘yer coats and boots for ya? Ohhhhhhh, I like this one — there a hood in here? Yah? Zips up in the collar, eh? Pretty nice. Well let’s take ‘yer coats and ‘yer boots and get to eatin’!”

“Wait, hold up dudes. Don’t take the picture. You see this? This is my fucking action figure? This is what I look like? This looks terrible. I look awful. I’m pretty much the stupidest action figure I’ve ever seen. What? YES I AM. Look: my head’s too big. My waist is out of proportion. My pants look like capris or whatever the fuck, and, what . . . am I wearing shoulder pads? What the FUCK, guys? My arms aren’t even the same size. And look at my hands. Looks like I’m gonna say ‘Hey, double zero! Double zero everybody! Be like me! Double zero!’ Just, seriously. Fuck it. This is bullshit . . . what’s that? FUCK YEAH I’m pissed!”

“To the left. To the right. To the left. Come on . . . to the left. To the right. To the left . . . now Charlie Brown. To the left. To the right. Come on. Do the dance like this: to the left. To the right. Now down the middle and go to town. To the left . . .”

“Yeah, yeah! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, sorry. Sorry. I forgot. HOLD STILL . . . got it. Ahem. It’s just that, DUDE, I beefed! HA HA HA HA HA! I’m so sorry. I’m on it, I’m holding still. Cool man. My bad. Ahem. AHEM. Ahem. All my buttons buttoned? Cool guys. Cool. Hey, quick question before we proceed — somebody cooking lunch? Smells like EGGS! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Sorry, sorry, okay okay okay okay okay . . . ”

“Right, RIGHT! HOLD STEADY! Okay? Breeeeeaaaaaathe bro. Breeeeeeaaaaaaathe. I am not going to miss. Dude, I will hit the robot. I am not going to hit you. BRO! What did I say? Relaaaaaaaaxxxxxx. Look, focus on something. Um . . . let’s see. Okay. I’m gonna put my hand up. YES, slowly. See that bolt on my elbow? Focus on that for two seconds, okay? What’s that? BRO, NO I WON’T! I will hit the robot! Just relax brohaym. I know it looks like a big red missle, bit it’s super accurate. See how big these boots are bro? I wear these huge boots to give me more stability — I’ve got more stability than those, what are they . . . the ah . . . right. Cabriels. Thank you. They’re more stable than those cabriels by the toll station when they’re fixing the toll station. Okay? Are you gonna chill?”

“What’s up baby! LONG TIME!! Yeah, I know, I know . . . they made me shave the beard for Lear last fall, and now I think about it all the time. The facial hair thing has taken over a large part of my life, actually. What’s that? I didn’t know you were doing that! OH MY GOSH! Well, I wore the brown shirt because I was like, why not . . . but now it looks like everyone made that decision, so now I’m like, OKAY. Whatever. I guess I’m just like everyone else! Sorry? Yeah, exactly. Except for the boots. What’s this here? HEY!! LOOK AT THIS GUY! What’s up baby!! What’s going on? You busy?”

“Well, it’s not called an Elvis Impersonator, really. I mean . . . no. That’s okay. It’s just that we’re . . . not at all. We’re called Elvis Interpretive Artists. No, no biggie. It’s just that, you know . . . from now on. Cool. So, you busy too? Oh yeah? That’s great! I like him, he was in CSI once. MY biggest brush with fame? Took an improv class with Crispin Glover. Yup. He’s amazing, incredibly giving and a super nice guy. What’s that? Just a 2-hour workshop or whatever, I think the guy from Sledgehammer was our teacher. Afterwards we said we’d grab coffee, but then I got busy and he had to do pick-ups for some Sundance film or something. I should drop him a line . . . yeah, if it weren’t for being so busy lately with these Elvis gigs. Yeah, RIGHT! Pay off the house, right! HA HA!!!!”

“Yeah, I can see what you’re saying, I mean, no . . . yes. I can. It’s just that he might be a bit saucy for the role. Know what I mean? I wonder if THIS guy’s a safer bet — PLUS he has a better voice. Hmmmmm . . . no, it’s all right, I’m just taking a minute with this here. On the one hand, we have THIS guy, who’s got the voice — but then on the other we’ve got THAT guy who I tend to think might come off a bit saucy, a bit spicy. No? Yes. I thought you’d agree. Let’s hold these two for now, see a few more and then continue. Good, then. Thanks.”