OK, let’s get this out of the way first: If you are over the age of 18 your mouse shouldn’t be hovering anywhere near the “hot” button, so please don’t be a perv. Not. Not. Not.

But let’s break it down.

Lefty: looks like a not-charmingly-awkward version of actor (and Michael Cera prototype) Jesse Eisenberg.

Middle: Most promising. They all know it.  That’s why they put him in the middle.

Right: I only have one thing to say about him and that is:

I was told to post something about Earth Day, but I didn’t know what, as it is one of my least favorite holidays (no presents, no boozing, no thanks).  So I decided to run a Hot-Or-Not on an environmentally conscientious actor and Leonardo DiCaprio turned up first on my google search for green celebs.

This one is easy for me since I’ve always felt staunchly “not” about Leo.  I realize that this may be an unpopular opinion but even when he looked more like this I thought there was something too squinty and yet too feminine for my taste.   He is a great actor however but I’ve never seen him in a flick (no, not even “Titanic”) and was like “Mm hmm I want him to draw ME naked after doing a sprightly jig.”

But yes,  I will give him props for caring about the environment although really, people, that whole “green limo” thing about the 2007 Oscars: why couldn’t  all the celebs just get on one big hybrid bus instead?

Hugh Jackman was on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” a few months ago to promote “Australia” and for some reason he and Conan had a push-up contest.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I found myself probably more entertained by this than I should have.  Two tall drinks of water in expensive suits, doing push-ups, and one is Conan O’Brien?  Sign me up!

Yes, Hugh Jackman’s hot, are you kidding?  And I think part of what makes him hot are the is-he-isn’t-he rumors.  Without his amazing talents as a stage actor, he’d just be some good-looking Australian lug.  If he is gay, he’s still a hot-ass man and if he’s not, then it’s extra-hot that he’s comfortable in his sexuality.  Yes. Hot.  The end.

The weird case of Seth Rogen is that his increasing fame is what helps create his notness.  Hear me out: simply as a secondary character in shows like “Freaks and Geeks,” he’d be a pudgy, funny smart guy who’s sensitive and smokes weed. That pretty much describes, plus or minus some variants, most of my male friends, and pretty much what every friend of mine looks for in a guy (plus employment).  Ergo, charming, endearing, cute…I guess, sure, hot! However, now that he’s super-famous, I feel the need to hold Rogen up to much higher, superficial standards than before.  Guys don’t take a look at Beth Ditto and go “Ooh she’s so talented and edgy and hot in an unconventional way!”  And I’m refusing, on principle, to do the same with Rogen.  Were he a of lesser fame I’d cut him some more slack.  And don’t tell me that he’s lost weight because a.) he’s still kinda pudgy and b.) rumor has it he lost the weight thanks to coke, which we all know is an asshole-making drug and if Seth Rogen is a cokey asshole then he might as well not exist since we already have tons of those in H’wood, thank you very much.

Look, there are plenty of things about Simon Cowell that are not sexy.  Like his hedgehog haircut, his propensity for showing off his cleavage, the shoes he chooses to wear with jeans (check it out next time you see a full body-shot), his sunburn, and the fact that he smokes menthols.  But, there’s something about Simon that is kinda hot.  Like that he is right 99% of the time, can laugh at himself, winks and occasional calls women words like “minx.”  And when he and Paula flirt with each other, it’s adorable. Also, here’s something: women secretly love a British man who is bratty and easily bored. Really, what it is with Simon is that you must accept the parts of him that are not, and when you do, you realize that deep down he is truly hot.

Hello! I am not a member of Schadenfreude but that doesn’t mean I don’t have opinions on what makes people hot, or the opposite (not).  And while like every female on the planet I enjoy debating the hot/not-ness of other ladies, I figured it was time we put dudes up on the chopping block as well.  And I guess because Kate James has a life or she’s too uppity for such tasks, it fell to me.

So I decided to get started with the first guy who popped up on my gossip reading for the day: Robert Pattinson.  In case you don’t know him, he’s famous for playing Edward the sexy vampire in the movie “Twilight”.

I haven’t seen or read Twilight, which I think presents the biggest question–can this guy be hot without his vampire connotations?   Because minus that whole eternal immortal beloved thing, he’s just sort of a squinty-eyed pale guy with ridiculous hair and tiny teeth.

Am I missing something?  Maybe I just prefer my vampires a little more old school.