Guy (D)
Hey. Would you like to go back to my place and have sex?

Girl (R)
No.

Guy (D)
Would you like to go back to you’re place and have sex?

Girl (R)
No.

Guy (D)
I’ll buy you dinner first.

Girl (R)
Still no.

Guy (D)
We’ll go for Italian. Trattoria Demi – you’re favorite place! Chicken Parmesan.

Girl (R)
No.

Guy (D)
No Chicken Parmesan?

Girl (R)
No… And no sex.

Guy (D)
You can order whatever you want. Then dessert. With Coffee. Then I’ll drive you back to my house—

Girl (R)
Nope.

Guy (D)
Oh right — Your house. Then…

Girl (R)
Uh-uh.

Guy (D)
I’ll have a breathe mint after coffee?

Girl (R)
Doesn’t matter.

Guy (D)
Ok, listen. No sex. I just want to come over and talk.

Girl (R)
Nope. No way.

Guy (D)
Wait – hear me out first. I’ll drive you to your house. I will lay down with you and talk. We’ll cuddle – no sex – just cuddling. Lots of talking. And being concerned. I’ll be very concerned and listen to your every word while we cuddle and not have sex. I’ll ask supportive questions but not try to fix everything. Then when you drift off to sleep, I’ll get up and clean your bathroom and kitchen. I’ll do the dishes, scrub the toilet and vacuum the living roo — no, wait! You’ll be sleeping, so I’ll sweep it with a broom! It’s quieter that way. Then I’ll go sleep on the couch so there’s no chance that I’ll come in and spoon you and lazily let my hand land on your boob “in my sleep” or “by accident.” How does this all sound?

Girl (R)
Not gonna happen.

I never cared about Acai Berries until now. Not sure what’s come over me, but damn, I could sure go for some of those little round, curvy, scrumptious, bare, pieces of goodness right about now.

Iran has unveiled it’s first unmanned bomber. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said the drone could be a “messenger of death,” but its “key message is friendship.” He explained that though it’s designed to drop bombs from the underbelly, the canons can be enabled to shoot sandwiches and kittens.

Really cute, furry, purring kittens.

God, and Allah, be praised.

This is from a real article. It  was published in Christwire.org. My favorites are 11 and 14. In fact based on those two, I might be gay.

15 signs your husband is gay…

1. Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
2. Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
3. Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
4. Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home
5. Gym membership but no interest in sports
6. Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
7. Strange sexual demands
8. More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
9. Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
10. Too many friendly young male friends
11. Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
12. Love of pop culture
13. Extroverted about his bare chest in public
14. Sudden heavy drinking
15. Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?

They forgot one point:

16. Likes men.

This is simply the best viral ad campaign ever. This takes place on the site Chatroulette. The young men undoubtedly thought they were about to see the breasts of a flirtatious, adventurous, attractive young woman.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Chicago Sun-Times Columnist Terry Savage recalls a story in a recent column about stopping to buy lemonade from three young girls in a north shore neighborhood, only to become appalled and outraged to learn that the girls were giving away the lemonade for free.

Savage explains: “That really set me off, as my regular readers can imagine. ‘No!’ I exclaimed from the back seat. ‘That’s not the spirit of giving. You can only really give when you give something you own. They’re giving away their parents’ things — the lemonade, cups, candy. It’s not theirs to give.’”

She continues: “No wonder America is getting it all wrong when it comes to government, and taxes, and policy. We all act as if the ‘lemonade’ or benefits we’re ‘giving away’ is free.”

Savage’s lessons in capitalism: “If we can’t teach our kids the basics of running a lemonade stand, how can we ever teach Congress the basics of economics?”

I think Savage doesn’t go far enough. Not only can the girls not give away something that’s not theirs, shouldn’t they also have to buy the lemonade mix, the water and cups from their parents before they can then resell them for a profit? I mean, if you really want to teach them there’s no free lunch, then they should pay a 10% above wholesale price for the raw materials before then marking it up to a retail price. Also, they’ll need to pay a contractor for the  build out of the lemonade stand and a designer for the signage. Plus, you mention that this was on the North Shore, so they should pay a pretty high rent for their prime location as well. Also, they need to keep track of their expenses. They can write off a percentage of the cost of equipment purchased to make the Lemonade. I’m not sure that exact number. They’ll need to check with their accountant.

Fox News Chicago’s Anna Devlantes wrote this piece a couple weeks back, asserting that funding Chicago public libraries is a waste of taxpayer money. To make her point, she intentionally left out a hyphen from a conjunction in the first paragraph, uses bad grammar in the second, employs some impossible math in the fourth, utilizes a typo in the sixth and is totally arbitrary and inconsistent with her use of hyphens and em dashes throughout.

For example – check out the use of both an exclamation point AND a period illustrating her point. Not only is she excited about the 5000 visitors a day, but she also knows that she’s a professional reporter, and must end her sentences without emotion. I’m going to have to check MLA Guidelines, but, at first glance, it just seems right.

Brilliant, Devlantes! Very smart, indeed. If you could only now find a way to use horrible logic and leave out all facts, you would have totally driven home the… Wait a minute. Just re-read the piece. I’m wrong. You totally covered your bases.

Normally, if I saw an iPad advertised for only $124.80, I wouldn’t fall for it. But something about this ad has me thinking this might just be a great opportunity, staring me right in the face.

Congratulations, me, for not falling for that old “not falling for that!”

Rahm Emmanual has famously said you should never let a crisis go to waste. In the latest crisis for Republicans, Republican Representative Joe Barton apologized to BP during congressional testimony. Republicans now have a great opportunity to go ahead and apologize to everyone they feel the American people and nature, have ever wronged. Fortunately, I received a memo from the Republican National headquarters that outlines 10 of these apologies.

1. First, in the name of calling out unfair oil spills, the Republicans would like to apologize to the Exxon Valdez after the ground came out of mother fucking nowhere and got in its way.
2. Next up: Republicans would like to say sorry to Enron, for having such whiny-ass shareholders.
3. Republicans would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to California insurance companies harmed by damage claims due to wildfires. Stupid wildfires. Insurance Companies, if you feel bad for anything, it should be that you couldn’t get out of paying claims to Hollywood liberals.
4. The memo I have here also states that Republicans would like to offer a sincere, heartfelt apology to credit card companies. You should be able to rape people if you want. And by rape, we mean increase their interest rates without telling them. And then of course, actually raping them.
5. Sorry Bank of America. We think you should be able to charge people a $35 fee for using their line of credit, even though they already pay interest on it.
6. WorldCom. See number 2.
7. Slave Owners. Sorry that the slaves got all bent out of shape.
8. Bullets. We’re sorry that you get a bad rap for penetrating flesh and killing people.
9. R.J. Reynolds. No big deal.
10. Finally – a big apology to NBC. Sorry for your troubles, but thank you for bringing back Jay Leno. We love that guy!

I really hope that Larry Potash of WGN just lost a bet with the graphics department, but something tells me no. Also, at first glance you might think he’s drunk, but actually Larry’s just really passionate about geography. He’s like the Glenn Beck of land masses.