Click here to view the embedded video.

Apparently the key to convincing your audience that what you are saying in your commercial is sincere is to immediately look off camera at the end of your line.

Here are a couple of jokes  I made during my last teleconference with my “team” both of which were met with dead silence.

First, the director of our department (our boss) mentioned how he wanted to engage a means of communicating with one another that is really cutting edge. One that that no other dept. in the company is currently using. Somebody in the group suggested iChat while another mentioned instant messaging. Both of these were kindly dismissed by our boss so I said:

“I know a guy who can get us a screaming deal on pagers”.

Nothing – crickets.

Second joke: While waiting for our boss we started conversing amongst ourselves. The topic was movies and specifically the movie Doubt with Philip Seymour Hoffman. Somebody said: “He’s such a great actor. He can play almost any role”.
To which I responded:

“Oh absolutely, He can play the fat guy. The sweaty guy. The guy with bad teeth. The guy with bad hair. The fat guy with bad teeth. The fat guy with bad teeth and bad hair. There is almost no limit to his range.”

Again, silence.

Granted, these aren’t hum-dingers but they hold their own, right?

Quick, when I say Landshark what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Right, the Jimmy Buffet/Margaritaville Enterprise beer of the same name brewed by Anheuser Busch. I mean, what else would you think about?

Okay maybe you’re really hip and with it so you just happen to know that Landshark is the new name for the Miami Dolphin’s Stadium which just so happens to be in partnership with Jimmy Buffet/Margaritaville Enterprises.

But other than that, nothing else comes to mind, right. Nothing. Nothing at all.

PLEASE!

And where the F**k does Jimmy Buffet get off making a beer called Landshark? How is that not copy righted? And why, at least, is there not this picture on the bottle? Really Jimmy? You think people AREN’T going to instantly recall one of the most simplistically inspired and hilarious sketches in the history of Saturday Night Live whenever they hear the name of your swill?

That’s like naming your company Vandelay Industries and expecting people not to think about Seinfeld.

Look, even if this was staged, rehearsed or otherwise planned it’s still great television. You watch this and you really get the feeling that something genuinely hilarious is happening – even if it wasn’t genuine.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Smashing eggs in each other’s pants? Come on, that’s funny. And if Conan or Jay tried this today it would just come off feeling staged. And Dave would never allow him self to have this much fun on camera. And Fallon would make it feel like a desperate attempt at whacky-ness.

Sure, Dom is trying a little too hard at the beginning what with the “Oh boy what am I about to do? Maybe I shouldn’t be doing this but I’m going to do it anyway” bit, but still it’s a good set up. And there is such energy in the room with the audience and the band. Yeah, Johnny might have been an ass but he did have a good show back in the day.

Trust me, it’s not as sexy as it sounds.

Apparently the government of the mother land has issued a list of people banned from the country. I already checked – you’re not on it, sorry. Now I’ve never been kicked out of anywhere. Okay, that’s a lie. I was kicked out of a snobby pastry shop in Del Mar for asking if they had anything “jelly filled”. But now, I have a goal. Hear me now world. This time next year I WILL be on the list of people banned in Britain. Your mission, if you chose to accept it is to help me with suggestions as to what I can do to get myself banned from Britain. Apparently being a conservative radio talk show host and expressing your first amendment rights as an American citizen while not even living or working in Britain has already been done so you’ll have to come up with something else.

There are a two things you should know about me. First, I’m a greatest hits kind of guy. I would rather just wait until the compilation is released. I have little interest in exploring anyone’s B side. Second, I’m always impressed by celebrity – on any level. I enjoy seeing the John Kapelos’ of the world just as much as I do the Tom Cruises’. To that end I ran into this guy while visiting the Big Apple recently and I couldn’t have been more thrilled.

Can anyone tell me where you might have seen this man before? If you guess correctly I will give you “something to poop on”.

In case you were wondering what the secret ingredient in Red Bull is, apparently it’s Viagra! I just saw a commercial that more than suggested that drinking Red Bull will give you an erection. No, seriously, I did. The commercial takes place at a nude beach and a woman gives a guy a Red Bull, he pops a boner and then flies away – that was the commercial.

Brilliant Red Bull, you’ve covered all your bases. From the young hip energy drinking 20 somethings to the middle-aged male struggling with occasional impotency.

Maybe I shouldn’t admit this openly but I’ can’t be the only guy who watches “The Biggest Loser” half wondering which one of the chicks on there will lose enough weight to end up hot enough to want to boink. Sadly this round of contestants aren’t holding much promise. And while we’re at it: What happen to Caroline Rhea? I kind of liked her as the host, especially due to the fact that she seemed to run counter to the contestants. I loved watching her gain weight each week while the contestants sweated and starved themselves. It was as if she was doing it on purpose. Taunting and teasing them. I used to imagine the producers having to pull her away from the Kraft services table after each commercial break as she yelled to the contestants: “Don’t nobody eat the last Snickers.”

No one has ever called me a liberal – and that’s by design – but I gotta tell ya I felt a little uneasy every time some news guy would talk about President Obama’s NCAA bracket. Sorry but that’s just bad form, unless of course you’ll be asking him who he has picked to win the next Stanley Cup. Otherwise – not cool.

Or is it? Let’s discuss

Even in this new age of racial enlightenment there does seem to be at least two things we are still allowed to be racist about without getting into trouble. And both of these have Barry’s stamp of approval on them. First, dancing. Black people dance better than white people – it’s just a scientific fact. Otherwise, why, when asked if he agreed with the sentiment that Bill Clinton was America’s first black president did Obama say, and I quote: “We’ll, I’d have to see how good he dances…” Okay, so dancing is on the table. And so is basketball, apparently. As I already mentioned he seemed more than happy to share his bracket with us, and during his campaign when question about his bowling abilities he responded by saying that instead of a bowling alley he might install a basketball court in the White House. Ouch. I actually cringed when I heard that. It was like hearing Katt Williams use the N-word. Sure, he’s allowed to say it but it’s not helping the cause. Mr. President, don’t you realize what white people think when they hear things like that? They think; “See, I told ya”.

 
Look, I understand the desire not to want to give the same old presents year after year. I mean really, you can have too many ceremonial headdresses. But Barry, come on now, DVD’s and an Ipod? Stop giving things you find in the presidential Escalade limousine as gifts to world leaders. It’s just embarrassing.