It’s only week four. Week four. Are you kidding me? It feels like Week Shoot-Me-In-the-Face. I guess Jay Cutler wasn’t Kristin Cavallari’s good luck charm because she went home last week. That’s what happens when you mess with Beyoncé.
The “stars” will be dancing to movie scores this week. Not only does this show get to ruin my Monday night, they also take that opportunity to ruin good movies.
During the intro, Chynna Phillips keeps trying to make the heart symbol with her hands and every time she just manages to make an “O” instead. Does she have brain damage?
Because the feel like they absolutely have to fill two whole hours no matter what, they open the show with a dance to a montage of movie music by the pros. They have managed to make lightsabers boring.
Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Tango
She will be dancing to the Mission: Impossible theme. The mission, if Tony chooses to accept it is to get Chynna — a native English speaker — to understand English. Seriously. She’s dumb as rocks. She can’t follow instructions. Or count. Or tell left from right.
Tony is lowered down from the rafters Tom Cruise style. They then perform one of the most awkward dances I’ve ever seen in my life. Chynna completely forgets the routine. She goes blank, or rather, she remains blank. The old judge said, “It all went up the Swanee River.” Is that British for it sucked? The gay judge said, “You were slash and burn hot but you lost the glove.” Amen, brother. The lady judge claims that Chynna lost her place but not her composure. Really? Stopping and standing in the middle of the routine is not losing your composure? They then joke about how this isn’t a serious competition which is something I’ve been saying forever. The judges give her all sevens because the scores clearly mean nothing.
My score: Only the good rock stars die young.
David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Paso Doble
David will dance to the theme from Raiders of the Lost Ark. He reveals that he has dyslexia and that causes him to struggle with left and right. Is that how
dyslexia works? At least I don’t have to worry about him reading my reviews.
David is, of course, wearing a bad approximation of the Indiana Jones hat. He does this awesome thing where he dances terribly and then suddenly remembers that he’s supposed to puff out his chest. It’s like some kind of drunk, exotic bird’s mating dance. He stumbles at the end and nearly breaks Kym’s back over his knee. Because they fill the studio with the dumbest people alive, the crowd loves it. The gay judge said, “I love the way you crack your whip, tight muscles and tight pants. Work on your turns.” He is on point tonight. The lady judge loved every minute of it. The old judge liked his attitude but thought the rest was a “temple of doom.” Then the judges fight.
My score: Idniaan Jnose.
Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Viennese Walz
They are dancing to “The Curse of the Black Pearl” from Pirates of the Caribbean. Anna brings in an enormous, muscly guy to teach them how to fight with swords. Carson hits on the guy the whole time. He’s confident he can pull off the pirate thing because pirates are basically “men in tight pants and low cut shirts looking for jewelry.” Indeed.
They give Carson a fake goatee for the dance. I’d wear a disguise if I danced like that, too. Everyone is terrible this week and it’s delightful. Maybe that will finally get this show cancelled. The lady judge says it was like being on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride “but weirder.” The old judge said, “It’s like childbirth, terrible when it’s happening and a joy when it’s over.” He adds, “It was great fun. If I was at home I’d be phoning for you.” The gay judge simply said, “Pirates of the Caribbean 5: The Revenge of the Gay Blade. You lost your steps but it was fun.” Gay judge is on fire tonight.
My score: How am I supposed to top “Revenge of the Gay Blade?”
Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Paso Doble
Nancy will be forced to dance to the theme from Flash Gordon. Tristan visits her at her show and asks her to show the attitude on the floor that she gives on the show. She thinks the aggression that she learned in law school and the courtroom will help her with this dance. No, learning how to dance will help you with this dance.
Strangely, there’s no weird lead in to the dance. She’s just wearing lots of gold and red. This is the weirdest song in the world to dance to. Especially when you have to do so much weird posing and strutting. Someone is deliberately sabotaging this show. I love that person. The old judge thinks “The dancing is competent but there’s no excitement.” The gay judge tells Nancy, “You have to be a ball breaker out there.” The lady judge wants the other judges to give Nancy more credit. I still want to know who the hell she is.
My score: Tom Selleck. She’s Tom Selleck in drag, right?
Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Foxtrot
Hope will be dancing to “You’ve Got A Friend In Me” from Toy Story. Am I the only person in this world who has not seen this movie? Probably. Anyway, Maks yells and fights with her just like he always does with his partners. Even the brain dead people who like this show have to be getting sick of it.
They’re all dressed up in cowboy outfits. Unfortunately, they cover up Hope’s legs. She is easily the best of the night because she’s the only one who didn’t look like she was completely lost the whole time. The gay judge loved it and said “nice” a lot. The lady judge said, “It made me smile the whole way through.” The old judge tells her, “You could go all the way in this competition.” Then he gets real mad lectures her about needing to work harder and longer in the rehearsal room and he swears. The old man is cranky tonight, folks. So is the old judge.
My score: Not enough leg.
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Paso Doble
Rob gets the Superman theme. He feels like he can relate to Clark Kent because he is shy and uncomfortable. He also wears fake glasses. He thinks that people think he’s a loser. He’s right. He wants to prove everyone wrong. He’s working so hard, guys. So hard.
There’s no way they’ll have him rip off his nerdy glasses and suit to reveal a Superman costume, right? No way. That’s just too much. The dance is stompy and weird but at least he looks like he’s remembered the routine. Wait, they did it! They ripped open his shirt to reveal a K. I just can’t believe they actually did it. Special moment, everyone. Lady judge said, “I likes the way you move. You’re steady in the ballroom.” Gay judge, “It’s time to leave Smallville and take on the world. You have to believe in yourself more.” That was Superman’s problem, too. The old judge said, “I didn’t mind it, but I can’t go into raptures about it.” Why does everyone on the show spend so much time trying to subvert the old judge’s dislike of everything that sucks? He’s the only one with any real perspective.
My score: Superdouche
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Tango
Ricki and Derek will be dancing to the theme from Psycho. Really? It’s no surprise that Derek is having trouble choreographing a routine to this crazy song. Ricki struggles with the technique of the Tango and she wants to quit. She breaks down. Is anyone surprised that she sheds the fist tears?
I thought the Flash Gordon theme was a weird song to dance to. This is nearly impossible. I love that they are doing this to the dancers. Anyway, I’m bored and Megatron just scored a touchdown. The Bears are in trouble. The crowd gives Nancy a standing O. The old judge said, “You’re like the US Mail, you always deliver.” The gay judge calls it “A blockbusting performance worthy of three sequels.” The lady judge simply said, “Brilliance in the ballroom. Done.” Ricki gets the first two tens of the season.
My score: Flash! Ahhhh-AHHHH!
Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Paso Doble
You knew Chaz was going to get the Rocky theme. When he was a young girl, he wanted to be just like Rocky. Lacey wants the dance to feel like they are in the boxing ring the whole time. Because she is concerned about Chaz’s endurance, Lacey brings in Richard Simmons to help train him. Holy shit, Richard Simmons looks awful. Is he dying? Does he have cancer?
Oh sweet god. Chaz is going after it. He’s laying it all out there and it is hilarious. Have you ever seen a pigeon that is too fat to fly? That’s Chaz Bono in this routine. You need to find a clip of this on YouTube. The gay judge said, “In the true spirit of Rocky, no matter how many hits you take you keep coming back and getting stronger.” The lady judge cries because he gets “under her skin.” The old judge said, “It wasn’t a knockout performance but it was your best dance to date.” They’ve completely given up on giving him notes.
My score: Seriously, find a clip of this dance online. NOW.
J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Foxtrot
J.R. will dance to the Pink Panther theme. Karina is pushing him hard this week because she knows she’s got the best partner. She brings in another professional ballroom dancer to help teach him how to dance — a dude. Is that fair? Shouldn’t that be cheating or something?
He’s dressed in a pink tux and top hat. Also, he’s wearing a fake mustache. Can he even grow a real one? Wouldn’t it be awesome if you never had to shave? Not if you had to survive a horrible explosion, I guess. The lady judge said, “I thought it was okay. It fell a little flat for me.” The old judge said, “This was the best male dance of the night. This is fabulous.” He’s not even bothering to hide his disdain for the other judges. The gay judge said, “You can do it all, you’re great.” No one is going to critique this guy, either.
My score: Why does the lady judge hate America?