Elisabetta Canales went home last week. You can’t be pretty and a bitch and expect people to like you. Am I the only person in America who is sick of Kardashians?
This week the “stars” tell the story of the most memorable year of their life through their dance. Brooke tells us to prepare our tissues. Why? Everyone else’s story is going to pale in comparison to the wounded soldier’s tale of sacrifice. Kristin Cavallari is going to tell the tale of that one time when her spray tan was a little splotchy.
Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Foxtrot
Rob most memorable year is the year his father passed away. He even got a tattoo of his dad on his forearm. You know, in case he forgets. He’ll be dancing to Frank Sinatra’s “Fly Me To the Moon” because it was one of his dad’s favorite songs.
This is the first time I’ve ever seen a Kardashian think and man is he really thinking hard about this dance. I can almost see the think waves flying off of him. I bet he moves his lips when he reads. After the dance, they cut to his family giving a standing ovation, except Kim is not standing. Maybe she doesn’t know the dance is over. The old judge says, “You just put the ‘dash’ in Kardashian.” The gay judge compares him to Guys and Dolls but Rob has no idea what that is. Neither do I. The lady judge like it because he improves every week. Isn’t that what you are supposed to do?
My score: I have Post Traumatic Kardashian Disorder.
Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Rhumba
Surprise! Her most memorable year was the year she released her only hit song. She was also drinking and doing drugs. Then she got clean and married Billy
Baldwin. So many mistakes. I’m sure you’re not surprised that she’s dancing to her own song, “Hold On.” During rehearsal, she breaks down crying. Why? Because she released a hit song and married another star? Does she realize that J.R. suffered permanent physical (and presumably psychological) damage serving his country?
I’d forgotten how bad this song is — especially when this band covers it. Her dance feels like dance by numbers. It’s like his partner is afraid to let her dance full speed. BUT WAIT! She did the dramatic fist clench that everyone uses to make fun of people trying to be dramatic! There is nothing too cheesy for this show! NOTHING! The gay judge said, “You belong in a museum.” I think he meant insane asylum. The lady judge told her, “You are stunning to watch. It’s like butter.” Yes, she’s like stunning butter. The old judge said that she’s “going to be here for weeks and weeks.” God, I hope not. During her interview she says dance for the people who have “come over from the darkness into the light.” Zombies?
My score: Everything is awful.
Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Rhumba
I bet you would never have guessed that he’s going to be dancing to one of his father’s songs, “Laugh At Me.” He’s chosen this past year as his most memorable year because he’s finally happy. He claims it’s his theme song. I’m sure he was under zero pressure to dance to one of his parents’ songs.
I hate to speak ill of the dead (no I don’t), but this song is terrible. It’s Sonny Bono doing a bad Bob Dylan impression. In fact, it’s a complete rip off of Bob Dylan’s “Like A Rolling Stone.” He just changed the lyrics. The lady judge says that she’s “touched by his courage.” The old judge says it was the best dance he’s seen him do. The gay judge talks about how hard the Rhumba is but doesn’t really give him any notes. The judges have given up. They’re just waiting for him to get voted off.
My score: Can Dylan sue Bono even though he’s dead?
Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Samba
Kristin’s most memorable year? 2005, the year she graduated high school and moved to LA to pursue her career, such as it is. She’s dancing to Beyoncé’s “Crazy In Love” because, you know, it’s a song.
She looks uncomfortable and lost because Mark throws in every Beyoncé dance move he can think of. With the exception of my wife, skinny white girls can’t dance like Beyoncé. The old judge liked everything but the Beyoncé stuff, which was practically all of it. The gay judge and lady judge both liked it. After the dance, they show Jay Cutler in the audience. Cue the Bears fans freak out!
My score: Seriously, guys.
Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Tango
Carson’s most memorable year was the year Queer Eye for the Straight Guy came out. He said it was the first time he felt comfortable with himself. He had always been the dorky kid in school. He’s dancing for “the dweeby kids that don’t get picked for sports.” See, it gets better.
The dude might not be able to dance but he can whip his head around like he’s watching a tennis match on fast forward. The gay judge says, “That was insanely brilliant.” The lady judge says, “I love you because you brought us drama.” The old judge says, “You put the ‘boy’ in ‘flamboyant’.” Carson just pizazzed them into thinking he was good.
My score: Cardigan sweaters for everyone!
J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Rhumba
No surprise that his most memorable year was the year that he was injured and the depression he suffered. Not fair, this is actual pain and suffering that I can’t make fun of. He’ll be dancing to Tim McGraw’s “If You’re Reading This” which is about a dead soldier who has written a letter home to his family. I’ll say one thing about country music artists: they really know how to pander to their fan base.
Again, he looks like the only dancer who knows what he’s doing. He makes it nice and slow and boring and you can practically see the judges peeing with excitement. The crowd goes wild. He gets emotional after the dance. The lady judge is choked up and struggles to say anything. She ends up thanking him for his dance. The old judge tells him that he dances at a level that is “completely unexpected.” Then he dares to criticize him for something. The crowd drags him away and begins eating his limbs. The gay judge says something unintelligible and calls him “my darling.”
My score: 9
Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Waltz
Nancy decides that she’s going to dance to “Moon River.” Does that mean we’re going to see her ass this week? She tells the story of being pregnant with her twins when her lungs and heart started filling up with fluid. Wait, is she the lady from Kate Plus Eight? No? She didn’t know if she or her children were going to survive. They survived and now she has to dance.
What a weird fucking song to dance to. So weird that I had to switch over to the Colts game for several minutes. I’m assuming that we did not get to see her “moon river.” I just grossed myself out. The old judge tells her to get the “ballroom stretch.” I can only assume that’s some sort of innuendo. The gay judge thought she was “soft and dreamy.” The lady judge was “transported” and said it felt like a “live action lullaby.” Isn’t a live action lullaby just someone singing a lullaby?
My score: Colts 10, Bucs 0
Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Rhumba
We already know her story. Her house burned down and she met her husband in the same year which is this year. She told herself she would never get married and never do Dancing With the Stars. Now she’s doing both. Is this what we’ve come to? Do desperate “stars” sit around telling themselves that they won’t do Dancing With the Stars? She’s dancing to “Gravity” by Sara Bareilles.
What is this song? It’s part “Little Drummer Boy” and part whiny, angst-y, whiny girly song. Ugh. She’s acting too hard, but she comes just short of doing the dramatic fist clench. The gay judge compares it to a poem. Not any specific poem, just a poem. The lady judge says “Ricki Lake is on FIIIII-YO!” It just got stree in here. The old judge congratulates the pro on a great routine and Ricki on dancing it so well.
My score: Ricki dance like poem. Me like.
Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Cha Cha
Hope’s most memorable year was also this year because of the Women’s World Cup. In case you weren’t paying attention, they lost the final to Japan. This was the first time she realized sports aren’t always about winning. Only losers say that. She’ll be dancing to “Tonight” by Enrique Iglesias. Maks struggles with getting her to dance sexy and does this by calling her “a big girl.” Had he ever met a woman before this show?
Hope’s interpretation of sexy involves constant and overstated pouty lips. The lady judge and gay judge agree that she needs to work on her sexy walk. Walk? How about the dance? The old judge thought the routine was too provocative but her best dance so far. I thought it was weird and Curtis Painter is terrible.
My score: Being sexy and dancing sexy are two very different things.
David Arquette and Kym Johnson — Rhumba
Everyone’s most memorable year was this past year. His marriage fell apart and he drank too much. I wish one of the “stars” would have said that Dancing With the Stars is their most memorable part of the year and gotten all meta on us. Anyway, he’s better now and loves his daughter and stuff. He’ll be dancing to “Ooh Child.”
We really don’t need to see David Arquette’s bare chest. We’d much rather see Kym Johnson’s bare chest. Instead, we get to see her in a trumped up bathing suit. This band manages to butcher songs that are tailor made for them. The old judge thought he did a great job and says it’s the best dance he’s done. The gay judge says he brought “vulnerability and sensitivity.” The lady judge says, “Very nice comeback.”
My score: Open your mouth when you speak.