Dancing With the Stars Premiere – A Review

Jeff Ford's Dancing with the Stars Coverage on Schadenfreude.net

It’s safe to assume that the “Stars” in “Dancing With the Stars” now refers to the dance pros on the show.  They are easily more famous than each and every one of the stars this season.

Oh god.  Brooke Burke is back.  Why hasn’t she been fired yet?  She’s the only person worse at her job than Congress.  She’s now calling herself Brooke Burke Sharvey or something.  No one seems to care.  Everyone keeps calling her Brooke Burke.  Tom Bergeron is calling this cast the “most talked about cast ever.”  By whom?  I demand to know who was talking about these losers.  They need to be hunted down and locked in Canadian jail.

Ron Artest and Peta Murgatroyd — Cha Cha
Ron won an NBA championship with the Lakers but he’s best known for beating up fans in Detroit and ruining the best chance my Indiana Pacers ever had at winning a championship.  He will never be forgiven — especially now that he’s doing a bad Dennis Rodman impression.  His partner knows that she won’t be on the show long.

The costume department apparently can’t tell the difference between Ron and Dennis Rodman.  Thank you for completing his fantasy.  You know how old people lean forward when they walk because their backs hurt?  That’s how Ron dances.  After the only dance of the season, I’m confident that he will be going home first.  The old judge thought it was “all sizzle, no sausage.”  The gay judge used the phrase “length of bone.”  The lady judge said, “Now we know who the wild one is going to be.”  Really?  Did we not know he would be wild?  In the backstage interview, Ron wastes no time making creepy comments about Brooke Burke.  Are we sure this isn’t Dennis Rodman?

My score: I hate you, Ron Artest.

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke — Viennese Waltz
He’s a fucking Kardashian.  His job is to chase fame wherever it isn’t.  During practice, he keeps trying to put his partner in her place because “she’s his

Nice 'stache, douche.

woman.”  Good to see that living with about fifteen women hasn’t taught him to respect them at all.  At one point he asks, “Do you feel like you’re with a man?”  She says, “I feel like I’m with a boy.”  He then stomps his feet and says, “Don’t say that!”

The gay judge thinks he’s stiff and scared.  The lady judge thinks he has potential, but she also has a crush on every male contestant.  At one point one of his 23 sisters shouts something from the audience because she can’t stand not being on camera.  The old judge was “not impressed but not depressed.”  Not one of his sisters could bother to tell him that his mustache makes him look like a pedophile?  Really?

My score: Kardouchian.

Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas — Cha Cha
The first thing she says is, “I’m not a bitch.”  If you have to say it…  She talks about her engagement and breakup with Jay Cutler but she doesn’t mention him by name.  It turns out she was on a TV show before she dated Cutler.  I thought she was famous because she dated a famous quarterback.  Go figured.  Mark spends the entire rehearsal time trying to get her to shake her ass.

I forgot.  This is the guy that always makes every routine about him.  They dress Kristin all sexy and he just kinda flails around her.  Also, her mouth is enormous.  Her mouth could swallow two Julia Roberts mouths.  The lady judge is excited by her potential.  The old judge is disappointed that she didn’t give the same energy for the performance as she did in the rehearsal clip.  The gay judge gets all sexy talky and then he actually gives her dancing notes.  Weird.

My score: Tony Romo is single.

Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani — Viennese Waltz
She’s married to Billy Baldwin?  Why would he marry a professional wrestler?  Wait, she’s a singer?  Who?  She was in a band with a beach ball?  What?  Are we sure she’s not that professional wrestler?  When I Googled her the Internet laughed at me.  The only interesting part of her rehearsal is when she kicks her partner in the nuts.  She looks awful in rehearsal so she’ll absolutely nail this.

It is boring as hell, so she totally nailed it.  The old judge said it wasn’t the best dance he’s ever seen but it’s real close.  The gay judge loved it and then babbled in his own personal language.  The lady judge got a lady boner.  Instead of talking to Chynna and Tony, Brooke spends most of the interview promoting tomorrow’s show.

My score: I’ll be on the show next season.

Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus — Cha Cha
She’s that southern lady who cooks everything in butter, right?  No?  Is she the lady from Chicago’s channel 5 News, Allison Rosati?  No?  I don’t think I’d recognize Rosati without shoulder pads.  Is she Drew Barrymore?  No?  I have no idea who this person is supposed to be.  Tristan is Irish and Nancy pretends to not understand what he means when he says, “Not the second but the third.”  In his brogue, “third” comes out like “turd.”  Xenophobic much, Nancy?

The gay judge wastes no time making a comment about her boobs.  He says that she’s got the moves but doesn’t believe in herself.  The lady judge picks on her for forgetting her choreography.  The old judge says it was “underwhelming.”  I’m still trying to figure out who the hell she is.

My score: Delta Burke?  Is she Delta Burke?

David Arquette and Kym Johnson —  Viennese Waltz
I know this guy!  He was married to David Schwimmer, right?  He talks about being sober and how he’s “really into being present.”  Yes, I’m also really into existence.  He says, “I’m going to do my best impression of a person doing a Viennese Waltz.”  Why not just do the Viennese Waltz?

They dance to Queen.  Kym looks great but she’s way too covered up.  The lady judge says he got lost in the dance.  She really likes him (surprise!) and tells him to relax a little.  The old judge likes that they went straight into the dance with “no mucking around at the beginning.”  The gay judge compares dancing to acting and does it without saying something sexual.  Brooke asks him, “What does little Coco think of you being on this show?”  The better question is: Why did you name your child after a monkey?

My score: I’m naming my next child Grape Ape.

Elisabetta Canales and Val Chmerkovskiy — Cha Cha
Elisabetta is famous for dating George Clooney.  She says, “Dancing With the Stars is a dream come true, to work in the U.S.”  Getting a job in the U.S. is many people’s dream right now.  Val is Maks little brother so there’s going to be an annoying subplot that Brooke can harp on all season.  They rehearsal clip focuses exclusively on Elisabetta’s hips.  Her sexy, sexy hips.

They dance to a Katy Perry song.  You know, one of the litany of terrible ones.  They start the dance in a bed which the old judge is going to hate.  You know how you see those 5 year old pageant girls that try to do adult dance moves?  That’s how Elisabetta dances.  The old judge hates everything about it.  The gay judge says, “You’re very good in bed, Elisabetta and you’re very good when handled by a man.”  The lady judge thought she was good when dancing with her partner but awful by herself.  I’m sure those comments won’t prey on her daddy issues at all.

My score: Ladies, men are the only thing that give you worth.

Hope Solo and Maks Chmerkovskiy — Viennese Waltz
I know her, too!  She’s the goalie for the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team.  They spend the entire rehearsal clip trying to make her look “girly.”  Eff that.  She’s sexy.  Athletes are sexy — especially soccer players.  I had a crush on the entire women’s soccer team when I was in college.  They’re going to keep making jokes about how strong she is, aren’t they?  As a daughter having parent, this makes me angry.

She’s a little stiff, but so am I.  The gay judge likes her musicality but tells her she needs to work on her something.  I can barely understand him.  Xenophobic much, Jeff?  The lady judge is impressed by “the body contact.”  What?  Things keep getting sexier.  The old judge likes what he saw and she just needs to be a little more fluid.  The gay judge hits on her partner.

My score: Will you be my second wife?

Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya — Cha Cha

Made for this show.

I would say that they are trying to make him seem even gayer than he already is but I don’t think that’s possible.  I hope he’s a good dancer because he’ll be the only interesting character on this show.  Though, we don’t need to see him shout for more glitter anymore.  So help me, that better not become the “punch for America” quote of this show.

Remember that awful brown everyone wore in the ‘70s?  That’s what they are both wearing.  The lady judge says that it’s her favorite dance of the night but that he wasn’t technically sound.  The old man says there were elements of swagger and stagger but that it was fun.  The gay judge says it’s “full out outrageous fun.”  Brook asks Carson an awful question and he pulls her out of the fire by giving a fantastic answer.  He’s just good enough to keep Brooke from getting fired.

My score: Two glitter cannons.

J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff — Viennese Waltz
J.R. Is an actor on a soap opera and a war veteran who was badly burned in Iraq.  Whether he’s good or not, he’s going to be around for a while.  There isn’t an American that casts a vote for this show that won’t throw one the way of a wounded and disfigured vet.  Like most people who have been through something horrible, he’s relentlessly positive which makes us all feel stupid for bitching about our boring jobs.

He’s pretty good.  The old judge says it was just right and he was right up there with the best performances of the night.  The gay judges loves his hips but he needs a little bit of polish.  The lady judge says she was touched and she likes his confidence.  It takes confidence to pull off a burnt face every single day of your life.  Brooke asks, “Did you ever imagine when you were in Iraq that you’d end up in a ballroom dancing here?”  He responds with, “Yes, of course.”  I like this guy for calling out a stupid, stupid question.

My score: +1 for the Burke smack.

Ricki Lake and Derek Hough — Viennese Waltz
She was inspired to do this by Kirstie Alley.  They are drinking buddies, right?  I suddenly can’t imagine that Ricki Lake and Kirstie Alley don’t hang out all the time.  I’m pretty sure they are roommates.  She is this season’s Kirstie Alley.

Have you ever taken Pepto Bismol and then thrown it up later?  That’s the color of the dress she’s wearing.  The gay judge and lady judge love her dance.  The old judge decides to get “picky, Ricki” but he likes it overall.

My score: Next week she loses her shoe.

Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer — Cha Cha
He explains what transgender means to everyone.  If you don’t know, I hate you.  He works hard and struggles a bit with his weight and because he’s older but mostly he’s just boring.

Chaz is transgender but his partner looks like a transvestite.  Between the über-blond hair and really overdone spray tan, she looks ridiculous.  The lady judge loves it and thought he had great energy.  The old judge liked his energy, too.  That’s what they say when they don’t like it but are afraid to critique you, right?  The gay judge says that he was cuddly and cute.

My score: Boring.