Finally! The thrilling conclusion to last week’s episode. What will Jake do? Will Kasey punch him in the face? Will Kasey get confused and punch Chris Harrison in the face? How will it end?
Chris calls Kasey’s name and after he accepts his rose, he kisses Vienna. Gross. When Jake is asked to say his goodbyes he says, “I have a few things. Even though we had a chance to do something really big, really special. It just didn’t happen, I think you’re sending the wrong guy home. I want to encourage everybody that if you want to win you’re going to have to step up and do the right thing. Start taking out the power couples and you know which ones you need to start with. Kasey, amazing meeting you. Vienna, my apologies, my heart forgiven. See you guys.” As he gets into the car Kasey says, “Kick rocks, dude. That just shows who the bigger man is, dude.” Does he mean literally? I think he means literally. They immediately cut to his solo interview where he says, “The devil’s gone.” Bigger man, indeed.
In the limo Jake says that his goal was to get straight with Vienna and move on, then he adds, “I’m kinda glad to be out of that crazy house.”
Vienna thanks everyone for sending Jake home. Half of the house nearly pulls a face muscle trying to not roll their eyes. People seem to be getting fed up with Kasey and Vienna but not so fed up that they will actually vote them off.
Vienna says that her new plan is to keep her and Kasey, Michael and Holly, Graham and Michelle, and Kirk and Ella on the show. She says, “The rest are expendable.” Does she understand how the game works? Everyone else is expendable. Eight people cannot win the show.
The Challenge — Kissing Contest
Just like last year, everyone has to kiss everyone else. Each cast member is blindfolded and the cast members of opposite sex take turns kissing that person. The blindfolded person then votes for the best kisser by the numbers assigned to them. Vienna says, “Personally, I think it’s a disgusting competition.” Michelle bows out because of her daughter. Ella stays in for her son. Blake stays in for his penis.
Holly is the first blindfolded girl. All the guys give her a little peck out of respect for Michael. Blake is the exception. He spends about ten minutes making
out with her. This drives Michael crazy. We’re all tired of this plot line already, right?
We’re then treated to a montage of Blake making out with each girl. Afterwards we see a montage of all of the girls changing their panties.
Ella and Erica go all out to win the competition. Ella seems to know what she is doing. Erica just seems hungry. The girls all agree that Kasey has bad breath. Is this a surprise?
Chris makes it clear that the vote wasn’t even close and that Ella and Blake are the winners. They will each get to take someone on a romantic one-on-one date.
Ella’s date card reads, “Your future is up in the air.” She chooses Kirk.
A convertible is sitting in the driveway waiting for their date. They are unreasonably excited about a car they get to drive for an hour, tops. They have a nice little fireside date which may or may not be on the Bachelor Pad campus. Kirk tells the story about the moldy house that almost killed him and Ella tells the story about her mom getting shot in front of her. Shouldn’t they know this already? All they had to do was watch the premiere. Kirk now wants to help Ella win. She gives him the rose and they go outside for a hot air balloon ride. Kissing ensues.
Normal dates are boring dates.
Back at the house…
Melissa is excited that Blake won the rose and says, “You’re carrying us now.” There is no doubt in her mind that she is going on the date.
Erica takes Blake out in the back and gives him a massage in the hopes of scoring the date. While she rubs him down, she tries to convince him to take her on the date. She does this mostly by talking trash about Melissa. A sound strategy. He’s enjoying the massage but clearly thinking about Holly the whole time.
Blake gets the date card and says, “The date card says, ‘Love is a slippery slope.” Melissa blurts out, “We could be going skiing.” Blake gives a speech about playing the game or something and then chooses Holly for the date. Melissa says, “That’s fucked up,” and storms out of the room. No one saw that coming. Michelle chases after her but says, “Melissa, this is the last time I’m going to help you.”
Cue what feels like 40 minutes of Melissa going crazy. She yells at Vienna, she yells at Kasey, she yells at Michael and says, “Holly doesn’t give two shits about you.” After yelling at about six other people, she then she stalks off to find Blake. Even George W. Bush has to be shocked at how quickly she squandered any goodwill that she might have earned by being wronged by Blake. Batshit crazy, this one.
In the limo Holly says, “I pretty much hate the house right now and I don’t want to be there.” Blake replies, “I think the house hates me.” They head to an airport and get into a private jet. Holly hopes they are not going skiing because she doesn’t know how to ski or snowboard. They go skiing and snowboarding. She crashes all over the place and they laugh the whole time. Holly declares it the “best date ever,” and says that, “she hasn’t thought about Michael at all.” Wait. Didn’t you just think about Michael? Nevermind.
Back at the house Michael is being a whiny bitch. There’s no way anyone could watch this and still respect this guy. Seriously, go to the pool and have Kasey hold you under. I’m sure he’d be glad to do it.
Blake gives Holly the rose and offers her the chance to stay the night with him at the ski lodge. She accepts both and they make out. Michael weeps by the fire.
Guys, this show is really boring.
The next morning, Michael is sitting on the couch by the front door waiting for her to come home. And you thought he couldn’t get any more pathetic. He hunts down Holly and asks her about the date. She tells him she kissed Blake. Michael responds, “Are you being serious? I can’t believe you kissed him. I can’t believe you’d do that to me. Why did you do that?” What did she do to you? YOU dumped HER. She’s free to do whatever she wants and it has absolutely no bearing on you. Michael is the guy driving down the expressway with his blinker on. I’m not a fighter but I want to fight this guy.
The voting is back to normal. The Girls will vote off one guy and the guys will vote off one girl. People try to rally to get Kasey and Vienna sent home. Once Kasey discovers this he tells people, “This money is necessary for my grandmother to live.” If your grandmother is in such dire straits, shouldn’t you be with her right now? William has no chance against the dying grandmother strategy.
Because Michael hates himself, he tries to woo Holly by making his own little date for her by the pool. They talk about something but I’m too busy trying not to kill my family to pay any attention.
The guys were planning on voting for Vienna but Melissa is so fucking crazy that they really don’t have any other choice. When she realizes she’s on the way out, she takes it to the next level of crazy which only solidifies the voting bloc against her. Then everyone but William lies to her face about it.
Of course, she blames Blake.
The Rose Ceremony
William and Melissa go home. William admits that he’s not good at playing the game and gets a little choked up about leaving. Melissa just cries and turns away from the camera. This may have broken her for good. Fit her for a straightjacket and lock her away. She’s a danger to herself and others.