The Bachelor Pad Premiere – A Review

While I was away, Ashley totally found her true love, guys.  I’m sure this one will last forever.  Forever ever.

Now it’s time for the Bachelor Pad.  There’s nothing like offering a $250,000 prize to get people to fall in love.

The show opens with introductions of this season’s biggest characters, though we all know it’s going to be the Jake and Vienna show.  If you don’t know, Jake and Vienna were a “winning” couple from a few seasons ago.  They had a very public, nasty and completely orchestrated breakup.  We’ll see how well they are able to sell their fake animosity towards one another.

I love that they pitch this show as “a second chance for love.”  They don’t mention that this is the third or fourth Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor Pad for some of the contestants.

A few of the highlighted characters:

Justin — “The Wrestler” a.k.a. Rated R.  He’s overly cocky and he’s setting his sights on taking out anyone who was on his season.

Jackie  — From Brad’s season. She was nasty to Michelle during the “women tell all episode” of their season.

Michelle — The crazy one from Brad’s season.  She opens her clip by saying, “I’m not the crazy one.” If you have to say it… Also, her dad has Stage 4 colon cancer.

Gia — From Jake’s season and last season’s Bachelor Pad.  She has pictures of someone… or maybe they have pictures of her.  She hates Vienna because

This season's supervillain.

Vienna stole her boyfriend.

Vienna — She’s now dating Kasey, the “guard and protect your heart” tattoo guy.  Stealer of Gia’s boyfriend, dumper of Jake and borderline slanderer of Jake. She opens her clip by saying, “I’m competitive and I’m awesome.”  No, you’re three plastic surgeries away from being Heidi Montag.

Kasey — Vienna’s boyfriend/puppet.  Hater of Jake.  Still says, “I will guard and protect your heart.”  Claims that he’s “gained 30 pounds of solid muscle.”  Sayer of the following: “Imma go take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka.”  Imma go get my rock hammer and break some Kasey.

Jake — The guy to whom Vienna owes her fame.  Chose Vienna on his season of The Bachelor.  He says she sold their breakup story to a tabloid for lots of money.  Says that he “didn’t want to get mad, that’s just not me.”  He hasn’t seen or spoken to Vienna since the breakup special aired.  Potential supervillain.  Potential underdog.

Erica — Calls herself the princess.  I don’t know who the hell she is, but she’s wearing a tiara.  Very strange looking, but she thinks she’s really sexy.  She says it’s a “good astrological time for her.”  Dumber than a box of Kasey.

Graham — From DeAnna’s season.  She yelled at him when she sent him home.  Has a clothing company.   Volunteers all over the world.  The boring one.

Ella — From Jake’s season.  She’s in it for the money because she wants to buy a house for her son.  Her backup plan is to win the lottery.  Getting a job is apparently not on her radar.  Also, her mother was shot to death by her dad five days before their divorce was final.  He used a sawed-off shotgun.  I bet you’re not surprised that she’s from Tennessee.

Holly — From before I watched.  She met another contestant and got engaged.  She broke it off.  Got back together, then he dumped her recently.  She says, “I broke Michael’s heart but I also broke my own.”  That’s not the only broke organ she has.

Michael — Holly’s ex-fiancé.  He’s still hurt, but he still loves her.  Has strange facial hair.

Alli, Ames, Blake, Kirk, Melissa and William are not interesting enough to mention, but that’s the rest of the crew.

Meet and Greet
The meet and greet is simply an excuse to try to build the tension before the inevitable reunion of Jake and Vienna.  Vienna is one of the first to arrive sporting a dated haircut and an ugly dress that makes her look like a pumpkin that’s been in the sun too long.  She spends the entire time pretending to be nervous about Jake’s potential arrival.  She keeps saying, “I’m terrified of him,” because he could sue the shit out of her if she said, “I’m afraid he’ll hit me.”  We see what you are trying to do, Vienna, and we’re not buying it.

Jake finally arrives and immediately turns on the “nice guy” switch.  Kasey and Vienna intentionally make it awkward.  Gia tells Jake to talk with Kasey before Kasey gets drunk and does something stupid.  Jake pulls Kasey aside and wishes him and Vienna the best.  Kasey responds by saying “truth” a lot but otherwise making no sense at all.  Then he sits and stews about it.  Also, it’s disturbing how Kasey towers over Jake.  Jake may die this season.

Chris comes in to explain the show.  Guys vote girls off, girls vote guys off.  He tells them that they will compete as couples in the first challenge.  People begin pairing off and even though Jackie and Ames are hitting it off, they choose to partner with other people.  Injecting jealousy into a relationship is always the best way to start things off.  Kasey and Vienna are the obvious first couple, followed by Graham and Alli, Melissa and Blake (even though Blake isn’t really in to her), and Michael and Holly.  Justin and Ella pair up, William snags Gia, Ames chooses Michelle and Jackie picks Jake.  Kirk gets stuck with Erica because he “got too drunk.”  It’s clear that she’s the girl that is generating the least interest from the men.

The Challenge — Hook Up
The men are strapped into harnesses 10 feet off the ground.  The ladies must hang on to their partner however they can.  The last couple hanging wins.  Both of the winners get roses and a one-on-one date with each other.  Gia drops first because Will “couldn’t hold her up,” though she doesn’t mention trying to hold on herself.  To no one’s surprise, the final two couples are Kasey and Vienna and Jake and Jackie.  Jake knows he has to win to stay on the show so he sells himself a fantasy about dropping Jackie off a cliff to keep hold of her.  Eventually, Vienna drops and Jake and Jackie win immunity.

Vienna is pissed that Kasey dropped her.  They both storm off to sit silently in a hot tub.  Vienna says, “I was expecting a little more from you.”  She then proceeds to pick a fight with him and then yell at him for fighting with her.  If you weren’t sure before, you now know she’s a complete fucking nutjob.  I don’t know what’s going on here.  Vienna is way too ugly to be getting away with this kind of crazy.  She has some kind of weird Jedi mind control.

The Scheming
Vienna and Kasey recover in enough time to make a “final four” pact with Graham and Michelle.  Each of them will work to recruit other couples.  They try to rope in Justin as their fifth guy.  He immediately heads to the rest of the contestants and tells them of the deal.  Alli then rats him out to the team he just aligned with.

The Date — Jake and Jackie

He plays a nice guy on TV.

Jackie is nervous because she’s not sure about Jake.  Suddenly, a little girl is star struck at seeing Jake and breaks down crying — she’s a third grader.  He’s kind to her and this immediately endears him to Jackie.  She’s now a Jake fan.

They have dinner on the marquee of the El Capitan Theater.  Jackie asks about his relationship with Vienna.  He says things were great until the show aired and then everything got rocky.  He tells her that she sold the breakup story to a tabloid and that’s how he found out it was over.  He’s a charmer and Jackie is buying it.

Meanwhile, Vienna spends her time in the house talking trash about Jake.  She calls him “a very bad person.”

Jake tells Jackie, “There needs to be a final conversation.”  After hearing the story, Jackie asks Jake if he wants to give the rose to Vienna.  This is brilliant!  She manages to test both of them with one single question.  If Jake refuses to give Vienna the rose, he looks like all of this, “we need to make peace” talk is bullshit.  If he agrees and then Vienna turns around and uses it against him, she looks like the crazy bitch he says she is (and we all know she is).  I want this to happen.  Unfortunately, I don’t think Jackie is smart enough to realize what she’s done here.  Also, it’s the dumbest move ever for Jake.

The Next Morning
Jackie backs off the “give it to Vienna” idea.  In fact, she’s so afraid of making enemies, she gives the decision completely to Jake.  She keeps stumbling into brilliant moves.  Justin tells Jake that giving the rose to Vienna is stupid.  Gia tells him the same thing.  Still, Jake wants to prove that he’s a good guy.  A good, stupid guy.

He gives the rose to Vienna and asks to talk to both her and Kasey.  He apologizes to Vienna for raising his voice to her.  He says, “It was two wrong people trying to make it work.”  She pours out more fake tears and walks away saying that she’s happy.  Off camera she calls him a “phony robot.”  Jake thinks the conversation went well and that he did the right thing.  Somehow Gia manages to take it all personally, but that’s only because she needs a daddy.

It’s clear that Jake is only interested in making himself look like a good guy.  He knows he has no chance to win the money, so he’s at least trying to save his image and he’s playing Vienna like a fiddle.

That Night
Gia turns to Kasey to try to save herself.  She tells him that the girls are trying to vote him off.  He calls her bluff but she sticks to her story.  Kasey eventually agrees that he will not vote for her and Gia says that she won’t vote for him.  Vienna shows up and tries to break it up, but Kasey has nothing if he doesn’t have his integrity.

The Vote
Once Justin figures out that Alli is the one who ratted him out he rallies the guys to vote her out.  She’s blindsided but it’s too late to save herself.  The rest of the guys are voting for Gia.  Vienna’s puppet (Kasey) is the swing vote to keep Gia from going home.  Can his integrity withstand this battle?  Will he need another tattoo to survive?

Meanwhile, Vienna is getting her team to vote for Justin.  Justin tries half-heartedly to save his ass.  Blake tries to convince the girls that now is the only time to vote Kasey off.  They quickly grab four votes and Jake tries to convince Gia to be the fifth vote.  Will her integrity withstand this battle?  Will she have to cry on camera once again?

The Rose Ceremony
Kasey and Gia manage to survive and Alli and Justin go home.  Alli exits quietly but Justin won’t shake anyone’s hand.  He takes Jake’s rose and says, “I’m leaving with a rose one way or another.”  In the car he blames “a 24 year old with fake hooters.”  I assume he means Alli, but it could be just about anyone.  Kasey ends the show by saying that he’s a “Jedi genius” who will get Jake off the show.  It’s not going to take a Jedi genius to send Jake home and that’s a good thing for Kasey.  He may have Yoda’s voice, but he certainly doesn’t have his wisdom.

 

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