Dancing With the Stars Finale – A Review

Jeff Ford's Dancing with the Stars Coverage on Schadenfreude.net

Ralph and his gimpy knee went home last week.  I don’t have a Karate Kid reference for this.  I’ve already used the no pain in the Dojo reference about seventy times.

The remaining three “stars” will be performing two dances.  The judges choose the style for the first dance and the final dance is the highly-anticipated Freestyle.  I say highly-anticipated because it’s all finally over after the Freestyle dances.  Thankfully, this episode is only an hour long.  Unfortunately, it’s because they wanted to make time for The Bachelorette.

Chelsea Kane — Samba (Judges’ Choice)
The lady judge goes to rehearsal to help Chelsea become more sensual for this dance.  That involves dressing Chelsea in a sports bra and making her writhe around.  The lady judge is pleased with Chelsea’s progress.  Is there any doubt she’s already getting a ten?

Chelsea is dressed like they usually dress Kym — only with more fringe.  They do this weird monkey dance in the middle that I’m pretty sure has nothing to do with the Samba, but has everything do to with her partner’s ego.  The old judge likes it except for the monkey dance.  I guess he and I are more alike than I want to admit.  The gay judge loved it and did the monkey dance for emphasis.  The lady judge also loved it but we knew she would.

Chelsea’s partner decides to go all out for the Freestyle dance.  Surprise.  He’s trying to win an Emmy as hard as he can.  They come out on a bicycle and then he throws her around for two minutes.  She does not look like she’s enjoying it.  Oh, they also have light up shoes.  So there’s that.  The old judge says that he likes it because it was so much fun.  The gay judge predictably called it “electrifying.”  Then he actually calmed down enough to give actual notes.  Too bad there’s no more dancing.  Instead of using her words, the lady judge just stands up and gives them a bunch of pelvic thrusts.  Three tens.

My score: Hang in there, me.  It’s almost over.

Kirstie Alley — Samba (Judges’ Choice)
The gay judge goes to rehearsal to give Kirstie advice.  It’s mostly about making your hands super gay.  Who knew?

Apparently, the Samba requires the weirdest music you could possibly choose.  For Kirstie, it also means that you dance half as fast as Chelsea.  The gay

Because I haven't used a picture of her yet.

judge liked it but chastised her for looking at the floor too much.  The lady judge liked it, but wasn’t thrilled.  The old judge thought it had “naturalness” but thought it could have been crisper.  It’s clear that Kirstie is going to win this simply because she’s the worst dancer of the three.

Kirstie’s partner decides that they are going to do lifts no matter what.  No matter what?  You mean because Kirstie is overweight?  What else could there be?

They dress Kirstie like a monk.  Barefoot and everything.  Then she whips off her dress to reveal a bodysuit.  Please tell me you’re smart enough to see that coming.  Then she does a cartwheel.  The gay judge loves that she attempted lifts and said, “Respect girl, respect.”  The lady judge said that the lifts had an “alley oop” feel to them, but that she is a model of how life should be lived.  Life should be lived insecure and whiny?

My score: Let’s just end it here, shall we?

Hines Ward — Quickstep (Judges’ Choice)
The old judge goes to rehearsal to help Hines get his feet sharp.  He actually gives Hines dance advice and then makes a crack about how buff Hines is and then makes a gay joke about the gay judge.

It’s weird that proper dance form involves not looking at your partner.  Especially when your partner is Kym.  The crowd loves it — mostly because there’s a whole crew of Pittsburgh Steelers there watching.  The lady judge said that his dancing makes her forget that she’s supposed to be judging.  She’s in love.  The old man liked it but said it “wasn’t quite there yet.”  The gay judge said it was “like watching a mega-production on Broadway.”  Which is exactly how the gay judge lives his life.

Kym rehearses with Hines while wearing a neck brace.  They choose the song “Drumline” because she wants to make it like a halftime show.

Hines is dressed as a drum major and the band dresses up in marching band costumes.  They do a marching band themed routine, then Kym rips off his sleeves and they dance to a marching band version of “I Want You Back” by the Jackson 5.  Kym has the guts to do some serious stunts.  The lady judge said, “It wasn’t really a halftime show, it was the whole Super Bowl.”  The old judge said that he’d “just given his all.”  The gay judge stands up and calls it a “crowd pleasing event.”  Brooke loads up with is what she thinks is her best question of the season, “You didn’t win the Super Bowl in February.  How did that motivate you here tonight?”  The correct answer is, “The Super Bowl means something to me, this does not.”

My score: Sweet, sweet relief.