The news of Kendra’s ouster is coupled with a warning that your favorite dancer will go home if you don’t vote. Must Dancing With the Stars resort to fear-mongering? It’s not even America week.
This week the “stars” will be performing both individual and instant dances. For the instant dance, they will receive their song and have twenty minutes to create a routine to that song. It has the potential to be a delicious disaster.
Chelsea Kane — Waltz
Chelsea tells her partner, Mark, that she was disappointed with what happened last week after the dance. She doesn’t want his poor attitude about the judges “inconsistent” scoring to rub off on her. He made it about him, which is exactly what he always does. After their little talk he decides that he is going to make this dance all about Chelsea but that he doesn’t want to dance a Waltz that “people will want to snooze through.”
The dance opens with an overhead shot of them lying on the floor while breaking waves are projected onto the floor around them. My eyelids are getting heavy. He kisses her to bring her to life and they start dancing. My head is nodding. About halfway through, I’m in full snooze. The Waltz can’t be de-snoozed. The old judge didn’t like the story stuff, but he liked the rest. The gay judge loved it and babbles incoherently. You know how he do. The lady judge said that Chelsea “earned perfection.”
Instant dance: “Get Busy” by Sean Paul — Salsa
I’m calling shenanigans. They choreographed the entire dance during the week and they just have to sync it up with the music in the 20 minutes they have to rehearse. That’s no instant dance, it’s just instant music. While rehearsing the dance during the week, they bring in Kyle Massey from last season to wear a funny hat and declare that they will be great. Welcome back to TV, Kyle. Don’t get used to it.
They dress Chelsea in next to nothing and they spend the whole time just shaking it. Mark has decided that this dance will be all about him. He sells it just a little too much. The old judge said, “the Waltz was cool but the Salsa was hot.” The gay judge thought they set the bar very high, but the lady judge did not feel the connection to the music. That’s probably the band’s fault, lady judge.
My score: It’s really about love of dance.
Hines Ward — Foxtrot
Kym informs Hines that he’s going to propose to her. Not in real life, for the dance. Go dry your panties, people. Then they break out game film of Ralph Macchio dancing the Foxtrot. Not sure how this helps, but it reminds everyone that Hines is a football player and that football and dancing are practically the same thing.
Hines must have incriminating pictures of the judges. He looks terribly awkward for the majority of the dance, but the judges love it. The gay judge goes crazy and lady judge likes it because he danced like a dude — whatever that means. The old judge gives him a small note about his feet but otherwise loves it. It’s the same thing every week. I can’t stay mad at them because it just means that I get to see more of Kym in skimpy outfits.
Instant dance: “Chantilly Lace” by The Big Bopper — The Jive
Hines gets frustrated because he usually relies on the music to learn the choreography. If each of the performers rely so much on the music to learn the dance, why don’t we ever hear music during the rehearsal segments?
This seems like one song that the band could really nail until they get to the improvised banter in the middle of the song. Then it becomes comically bad. I guess not having the music wasn’t that hard after all. He nailed the dance. The gay judge said he danced a bit like a penguin but the lady judge thought that he did an amazing job because she’s in love with him. The crowd turns on the gay judge after he gives them an eight. It’s gettin’ rowdy in the ballroom.
My score: Get ready for a ballroom slap fight.
Romeo — Tango
Romeo and his partner decide that they have to take this seriously. That’s always a recipe for disaster — especially with children this age.
Romeo’s partner wore a red vinyl dress reminiscent of something worn in The Matrix. Her strategy was to make the ballroom so dark that the judges couldn’t actually see them dance. The lady judge loved it and called it “one of your best routines ever.” The old judge told him that he “stepped up his game.” The gay judge said that “he danced like a real man out there.” Yes, a real annoying man. During the interview, Romeo said that “this competition is just like life.” Indeed, they are both terrible.
Instant dance: “Tequila” by The Champs — Salsa
He claims that he can dance to any song the DJ plays in the club so he should be able to handle the instant dance. A little overconfidence never hurt anyone, right? His partner takes him to a salsa club and tells him to ask someone to dance and lead her through the salsa. He does his macho thing and I black out from anger.
He tries to hard to shake his hips but he just can’t pull it off. Luckily, his partner has decided to feature herself instead of actually making him dance. The lady judge thought they were a little off. The old judge liked it because “they danced.” Indeed. The gay judge tried to say fluidity without sounding drunk. During his post-dance interview, Romeo claims that he was celebrating his new movie with that dance. That’s got to be the final straw, right America?
My score: SEND. HIM. HOME.
Ralph Macchio — Viennese Waltz
Old man Ralph’s body finally starts to break down. He goes to the doctor to get an MRI. He has no muscle, tendon or ligament damage, but he ruptured a cyst in his knee. The doctor tells him he can keep dancing. When he gets back into the practice room he immediately goes down with more pain in his knee. They are only able to work in nine hours of practice. Cue the sad tuba music.
Ralph’s partner’s strategy is to fill the whole studio with fog so the judges can’t see them dance and then distract the rest of us by wearing a see through dress. To his credit, he doesn’t looks like his knee hurts at all. There is pain in this dojo, you’re just not allowed to show it. After the dance, he limps over to be judges. The judges are kind and the lady judge tells him that he has inspired people again — just like he did in Karate Kid. Does that mean Romeo will sweep the leg in the instant dance?
Instant dance: “Stuck In the Middle” by Stealers Wheel — Cha Cha
We get to see more of Ralph with his injured leg propped up. They just sit on the couch and talk about what they will do for their dance. This is riveting television folks.
Ralph begins the dance by sitting on the steps. When his partner gets up and starts dancing, he points to his knee. She does the Mr. Miyagi rub the hands together thing to heal his knee and then he gets up and dances to the lamest version of “Stuck In the Middle” I’ve ever heard. All of the judges admire his courage but they basically tell him that it wasn’t enough. Somehow, I think he’ll earn enough audience votes to give him another chance. America loves a comeback.
My score: Don’t say goodbye, Daniel-san.
Kirstie Alley — Argentine Tango
At this point, I’m absolutely positive that Kirstie and her partner know that the show is quickly becoming the most boring season yet. They turn on the drama. Kirstie falls about fifty times and her partner finally stops the rehearsal because she’s not eating enough and she’s running out of gas.
Again, I don’t get it. She never really dances. She just poses and relies on her performance skills. The gay judge calls it “the ultimate seduction.” The lady judge felt like she was watching real life playing out in front of her. She does realize that this is real and that these are real people, right?
Instant dance: “Cobrastyle” by Teddybears — Salsa
Her partner has a breakdown during rehearsal and throws his mic because she’s just as absent-minded as she has always been. Mmm, the sweet taste of manufactured drama. Now with fewer calories!
In classic Kirstie style, she looks completely lost the whole time and can’t stick with the rhythm. After the dance, you hear her apologize to her partner. The gay judge tells her that they lost sync and then apparently drops some dirty words as his audio is dropped. Oh, those foreigners. The lady judge likes it and says that is was slow and basic. The old judge likes it because he thought it was “oily.” Gross. I’m going to go vomit on my shoes.
My score: Real life is disgusting.