Dancing With the Stars Week 6 – A Review

Jeff Ford's Dancing with the Stars Coverage on Schadenfreude.net

It’s fitting that the Czech went home after America Week.  You can always count on America for some good old fashioned xenophobia.

It’s Guilty Pleasure Night.  I’d make some joke about how this is my guilty pleasure every week but I don’t feel guilty for making fun of these idiots nor do I take any pleasure from this show.

Once Tom Bergeron announces that it’s Guilty Pleasure Night he immediately throws it to Hanson.  Yes, Hanson, the band of formerly little kids.  They’re all grown up now and they play “MMMBop” with disdain.  Like we’re supposed to appreciate the deep tracks from Middle of Nowhere or something.  Go join Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” pity party, you little jerks.

Kirstie Alley — Samba
She’ll be dancing to “Hit Me Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears.  This week Kirstie’s partner starts pulling out his regular asshole routine.  She stands up to him and finally breaks out of her “I feel sorry for myself” slump.  Slump implies that there has been a time when she hasn’t felt sorry for herself.  I should have written “life.”

When they come back from the break, Hanson is playing Lionel Richie’s “Hello.”  This doesn’t smack of desperation at all.

A poop colored dress is exactly what I expected for a dance to a Britney Spears song.  If only she’d shaved her head to go with it.  When the gay judge stands up and wiggles around and says something ridiculous, the people in the crowd behind him seem to be legitimately surprised and delighted by his behavior.  He does this every week after every dance.  Are these people goldfish?

My score: Score for what?

Chris Jericho — Tango
When Chris is given “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey he looks surprised.  If the stars aren’t choosing their own guilty pleasure songs, that means Dancing With the Stars is dictating to us what is a guilty pleasure.  I’m sorry, Dancing With the Stars, but your pop culture credibility disappeared with last week’s Amercia Week — if not with Season 2.  While I’m ranting about DWTS being the arbiter of pop culture, they reveal that Chris is also in a rock band.  Absolutely no one is shocked by this.

If they really wanted to make this a true guilty pleasure, they would have brought in the Glee kids to sing the song.  “Guilty pleasure” implies that the song is terrible and there’s nothing worse than Glee.  Except Wendy Williams.

Tango must mean slow motion.  In fact, the dance was so strange that even the pro looked awkward for most of the dance.

My score: Chris broke dancing.

Romeo — Waltz
This time, we return from the commercial break to Hanson playing “Achy Breaky Heart.”  I thought the stars were sad for agreeing to do this show.

Stop bothering me.

Romeo will be dancing to “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion.  He claims that Titanic made him the romantic that he his today.  I’d say that his buddies will give him hell for saying that on TV, but he’s the kind of guy who pays his friends to constantly tell him he’s cool.  He’s shooting for 10s and he tells Hines Ward to “move over, there’s a new MVP.”

As the familiar strains of the pan flute opening fill the ballroom, the smoke machine kicks into high gear and Romeo puts on his best “romantic” face.  My wife sums it up perfectly when she says, “He bothers me.”  At the end of the dance he forcefully kisses his partner.  I can imagine it’s not the first time in his life that has happened.  The lady judge calls his dance “magical” which means he’s getting a 10.  The old judge likes it and the gay judge makes some barely understandable pun and everyone chuckles like they understand.  During the interview Romeo gets a reluctant Brooke to give him a kiss as well.  It all feels like a prelude to date rape.

My score: Can we arrest him?

Chelsea Kane — Quickstep
Chelsea is assigned “Walking On Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves.  Wow.  Once you’ve been Disneyed you aren’t easily un-Disneyed.  Her partner challenges her to bring out her competitive spirit but she claims to have none.  She also reveals that she was a cheerleader.  How did we not know this scandalous piece of information before?  Oh wait, we’d already guessed as much.  When her partner asks her if she wants to be the best, she can’t answer him so he starts a water fight.  There is nothing more competitive than a water fight.

There is a moment of tension before the dance when they reveal that Chelsea’s partner sprained his ankle in the dress rehearsal.  He dances anyway.  They come out in 50s inspired schoolboy/girl garb.  The old judge likes it and the lady judge calls it “magic” again.  The crazy gay judge is becoming background noise to me at this point.  Instead of letting Brooke talk, they show the clip of his partner twisting his ankle.  Good move.  I’d rather watch someone get injured than listen to Brooke Burke.  For the second dance in a row, the lady judge gives out a 10.  She’s totally overcompensating for making Kendra feel like a slut.

My score: Be a man, Chelsea.

Kendra Wilkinson — Samba
Kendra gets “Livin’ la Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin.  They make a big deal about how she’s going to shake it during the dance.  If the rehearsal is any indication, this dance consists entirely of shaking it.  The producers need to stop making the stars talk trash at the end of their clips.  You believe it from Chris and Romeo, but Kendra and Chelsea just can’t pull it off.

She comes out in a tiny, tiny yellow dress and ends up shaking it on the judges’ table at the end of the dance.  All of the judges are completely flustered — especially the lady judge.  The old and gay judge love it.  The gay judge even asks for a lap dance.  How is this less offensive than the lady judge’s “afraid of elegance” comment?  In retaliation, they show Elton John’s “I’m Still Standing” video in which the gay judge was a dancer.  An even gayer dancer than he is a judge.  I’m pretty sure he was wearing a thong as some point.

My score: Profound confusion.

Hines Ward — Viennese Waltz
Hines’s guilty pleasure song is “End of the Road” by Boyz II Men.  His partner wants to show his romantic side so we see a number of clips of him bumping her head into a wall and hitting her in the face a few times.  That way, we’ll be shocked when he’s actually graceful on the dance floor.  Dancing With the Stars: insulting your intelligence for 12 seasons.  We also see clips of him in his apartment diagramming the dance and practicing with a pillow.  How does the world deal with such an eccentric?

Coming to a Playboy near you.

They always make the ladies wear more during the Waltz.  It’s disappointing.  Especially when it’s a boring dance.  The old judge loves boring things and this is no exception.  The gay judge does his crazy thing and for the first time ever the lady judge doesn’t drool over Hines.

My score: My mental health depends upon seeing Kym in tiny outfits.

Ralph Macchio — Paso Doble
They pick a song that fits Ralph perfectly, “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” by C&C Music Factory.  His partner — who will soon appear in Playboy — urges him to be sexy for this dance.  Instead of working on being sexy they mostly work on trying to incorporate the wax on, wax off move into the routine.

During the dance, Ralph’s partner falls down hard.  Due to the camera angles we don’t actually see the fall, only the aftermath.  They take a little while to recover but eventually they get back into it.  The judges commend them for recovering after the fall.  During the interview, we see the replay and Ralph’s ridiculously enormous coat tripped her.  I hope the cheesy jerks in the wardrobe department feel terrible about it.  She’s going to have bruises for her Playboy shoot.

My score: Nothing Photoshop can’t fix.