Dancing With the Stars Week 5 – A Review

Jeff Ford's Dancing with the Stars Coverage on Schadenfreude.net
It seems like Sugar Ray Leonard should have gone home earlier.  Then I looked again at who went home before him.  Looks like this was just right.  Way to go, America.

Speaking of America, this week is America Week.  The dancers will be dancing to songs that pay tribute to America.  Of course, Tom Bergeron opens by saying, “So let’s bring out our stars… and stripes.”  Mercifully, they are only subjecting us to an hour and a half this week instead of the full two hours.

Ralph Macchio — Samba

Wax on, indeed.

Ralph will be dancing to “Sweet Home Alabama.”  You know, that tribute to America that defends pro-segregationist Alabama governor George Wallace.  Next up, Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.”  Also, his partner is Russian.  Why don’t we put her on trial while we’re at it?

Strangely, the cowboy outfits combined with a Brazilian dance set to southern racist rock is a nearly perfect tribute to 2011 America.  For some reason the judges just don’t like Ralph.  They must be annoyed by his likability.  The gay judge goes so far as to say, “Give me sex, man.”  He’s not even being subtle anymore.

My score: Pimping With the Stars?

Chris Jericho — Viennese Waltz
Chris is dancing to “America the Beautiful” because it’s got such a good beat.  He does a bad impression of the old judge and basically begs the old judge to give him an 8.  His partner, Cheryl, refuses to take him to a wrestling ring to loosen him up and instead insists on practicing dance.  Imagine that.

He comes out in a mock military uniform, gives a salute and then launches into the king of boring dances.  So far he’s doing everything right to curry favor with the old judge.  The old judge begins his critique by saying, “It’s America Week and I’m glad to see that Cheryl has decided to show off the Rocky Mountains.”  Creepy.  He also tells Chris that he’ll get an 8 when he deserves an 8.  The old judge gives him an 8.

My score: Everyone saw that coming, right?

Petra Nemcova — Quickstep
Is it bad that I can spell her name without looking it up?  She’s dancing to “Viva Las Vegas.”  She admits that she didn’t know who Elvis was when she was growing up because she lived in the Czech Republic and they didn’t allow any “western influences.”  She dedicates the dance to America because of all the opportunities that it has provided her.  Nice try, but your body provided you with opportunities.  America just took advantage.

I almost forgot how bad the band was.  Almost.  It took a dude trying to sing an Elvis song like Elvis.  I’ll never forget again.  The gay judge is impressed, but the other two judges are clearly trying to be as polite as possible.  Petra takes every opportunity to pimp whatever it is she’s trying to pimp.  Unfortunately, her incoherent Czech accent leaves us all guessing.

My score: Just send your donations to me.

Romeo — Foxtrot
He’s proud that he outlasted his dad on the show, but he really wants to be “number one.”  He gots to be numba one.  That’s the American spirit!  He’s dancing to “New York, New York.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone aside from Frank Sinatra sing this song and now I know why.  Only Frank can pull of these lyrics.  Try to sing “these vagabond shoes” without sounding like a douchebag.  You can’t do it.  The old judge calls Romeo “charming.”  During the interview, Romeo pulls the whole, “I’ve got a friend who was just diagnosed with cancer and I’m dedicating this dance to her because she’s watching it in the hospital right now.”  Blatant pandering is what passes for charm now?

My score: I’m calling him Pander Bear from now on.

Hines Ward — Rhumba
Hines is dancing to “Proud To Be an American” and his partner wants him to make it romantic.  Instead, they keep crashing into each other but not in that super-romantic Dave Matthews song way.

Hines also dons a mock military uniform while Kym wears a dress that has been through the shredder, though I ain’t mad at her.  Not only do the judges love him, at least two of them are in love with him.  The old guy even says it’s the best dance he’s done.  Is he falling, too?  During the interview, Brooke reveals that Hines practiced with a pillow when Kym wasn’t around.  Hines replies, “I was making pillow love.”  I knew he was hittin’ that.

My score: Shredded dress!

Kirstie Alley — Foxtrot
Really?  “American Woman”?  C’mon.  How is a song about telling an American woman to go away a tribute to America?  Do they have the Internet at Dancing With the Stars?  Due to the mishaps during her last two dances, Kirstie decides to bring in a “dance doctor” in the hopes of solving their problems.  Who is the dance doctor?  John Travolta.  You’re telling me that after Patrick Swayze, John Travolta is the next most famous dancing celebrity?

Aside from Kirstie’s strange outfit, there are no major catastrophes during this week’s dance.  The lady judges calls it her “best dance ever,” the old judge doesn’t like it because it wasn’t boring enough and the gay judge doesn’t give any notes, but he hits on both Kirstie and her partner.

My score: He actually offered them money for sex.

Kendra Wilkinson — Foxtrot

Kendra Wilkinson

Kendra was really upset about the lady judge telling her that she’s “afraid of elegance.”  Kendra said, “Carrie Ann made me feel like trash when she said I was afraid of elegance.”  Fortunately, she’s dancing to “Yankee Doodle” so she won’t have to worry about elegance at all.  Who would have guessed that a former stripper and Playboy model would struggle with being thought of as trash?

Kendra gets the honor(?) of dancing the 1000th competitive dance on Dancing With the Stars.  She and her partner are dressed like they just jumped off an Uncle Sam poster.  At least twenty American flags died to make their outfits.  Her partner is even wearing a fake goatee.  They don’t even pretend to have taste on this show.

My score: It’s like America barfed on them.

Chelsea Kane — Samba
Chelsea will be dancing to “Party in the U.S.A.” by Miley Cyrus.  She she wants to break every rule for this dance, but her partner, Mark, decides that he finally wants to keep it traditional.  Traditional?  How are the producers going to fit in their cheesy bits?  They don’t.  Thank god.

Chelsea comes out in another Uncle Sam outfit.  How many American flags must die for this show?  I don’t know if Mark is afraid of Chelsea or what, but they never seem to dance with each other, only at each other.  The judges love it and give her high marks for her hair extensions alone.

My score: Is this what people think America is?