The show opens with, “You survived the long, cold winter and now YOU DESERVE DANCING!” No, I deserve something much, much better — especially if they’re going to make Ashely the next Bachelorette.
They introduce the “stars”:
Chelsea Kane, Wendy Williams, Hines Ward, Petra Nemcova, Romeo, Sugar Ray Leonard, Kendra Wilkinson, Ralph Macchio, Chris Jericho, Mike Catherwood and Kirstie Alley.
Time to rename the show Dancing With People. After eleven seasons of D-list stars, it looks like they’re dropping straight to F-list stars for this season.
There is no elimination this week so I’m not even sure why they are even bothering.
Chelsea Kane — Foxtrot
They claim that she’s another Disney star. I don’t believe them. I think they’re asking audience members to dance at this point. She claims to have kissed one of the Jonas Brothers. I barely know who the Jonas Brothers are, why would I care about anyone they kissed? Get ready for a season full of “giving 110%” and aww-shucks smiles from this one.
Why do I always forget how boring the actual dancing is? Why do people watch this show? These people are barely famous, the dancing is boring and the music is even worse. I’m disappointed in you, America.
My score: Welcome back, Dancing With the Stars
Wendy Williams — Cha Cha
Wendy Williams is a talk show host, not a famous transvestite. I’m shocked. That’s a wig, right? Right?! C’mon. This person is not real and she does
not have a talk show. Within thirty seconds of being introduced to her, she’s crying. She hasn’t even broken a sweat and she’s already in tears. I’m going to hate her more than I’ve hated any hater I’ve hated in my hate.
You know how you’re supposed to move around when you’re dancing? Yeah, she doesn’t do that. I’ll be shocked if the judges ever give her more than 15 points this season.
My score: 2.hate
Hines Ward — Cha Cha
I know this guy because he plays football. You might remember him from losing this year’s Super Bowl. What’s this? He has more personality than Chad Ochocinco ever did. If he can dance, he might actually be entertaining.
How do I always forget how terrible the band is? They butchered “Club Can’t Handle Me Right Now” by Flo Rida, and yes, the club can handle you right now, Hines. I have no idea if he is a good dancer. I was too busy watching his partner’s ass. However, the old judge admits that he was watching Hines’s “bum” and that it is “the tops.” I love it when 1929 makes an appearance.
My score: I’m rooting for his partner.
Petra Nemcova — Foxtrot
Petra is a supermodel. I don’t specifically remember her because all those Eastern European supermodels look the same to me. Is that racist? She reveals that she fractured her pelvis in four places when she was in the tsunami in Indonesia. Very topical — and painful, I presume. She dedicates her dance to the people in Japan. Yes, a dance is exactly what they need right now. How about you go to www.redcross.org and donate instead?
She dances like a supermodel with a broken pelvis. What’s that like? Good but boring.
My score: Should have played the Japan card on an elimination week.
Romeo — Cha Cha
Someone has decided to call himself Romeo? Just Romeo? He’s Master P’s son — that kind of explains it. Is that enough to make you famous? Never mind, I forgot that Kim Kardashian exists. Also, why hasn’t she been on this show yet? Anyway, Romeo claims he’s a rapper and actor. He’s also going to spend the whole season hitting on his partner. God knows America loves objectifying women.
Romeo’s goal for this week is to outscore his dad who only managed eight points. Way to set the bar high, Romeo. Maybe that’s why you’re not actually famous.
My score: Does he know that Romeo killed himself in the end?
Sugar Ray Leonard — Foxtrot
He is easily the most famous person on this show. He’s a World Champion boxer and his brain still works. How’s that for a rare combo?
They dance to “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis. They finally found a song the band can pull off. Can everyone dance to Huey Lewis every week? That would never get old. The judges love his energy and the gay judge openly hits on him. Also, I don’t know which one is the gay judge. It could be all of them.
My score: TKO
Kendra Wilkinson — Cha Cha
I vaguely recognize Kendra Wilkinson. She was one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends on some reality show. Now she has her own show or something. I see why now. She’s strangely charming. I would never have guessed that she’d be leading the pack as one of the people I actually like. Maybe that’s because she acts like a child. Plus, her partner is the only male pro who doesn’t constantly talk about how sexy people should think he is.
I haven’t seen a Playboy in a long time, but isn’t she kind of funny looking for a Playboy Bunny? Oh well, it adds to her charm. She’ll go far this season.
My score: Who knew I’d like a Playboy model?
Ralph Macchio — Foxtrot
The Karate Kid. He’s now 49. Apparently, that’s the age you become okay with people only associating you with that one thing you did 28 years ago. We’re going to have to endure a season’s worth of bad Karate Kid references. I didn’t think this show could get any cheesier.
What’s this? He’s good. He’s going to be a crowd favorite because he’s old but still looks like a kid. For him to go down, they’re going to have to sweep the leg.
My score: Cobra Kai
Chris Jericho — Cha Cha
He’s a professional wrestler. He claims some ridiculous number of “championships.” Just like everyone else, he says that “he knew dancing would be hard but that it’s even harder than he thought.” His partner is mainly concerned about his muscles because “…it doesn’t look like he has a neck.”
He’s mesmerizing to watch. It’s not that he’s good, it’s that it’s like watching a mountain dance. He does admit that dancing and wrestling are similar because of the choreography. Ah HA! Finally, proof that wrestling is fake!
My score: Hulkamania!
Mike Catherwood — Foxtrot
Mike Catherwood is Dr. Drew’s partner on the radio show “Loveline.” That show is still on the air? Adam Carolla isn’t doing it anymore? What does Adam Carolla do now that Kimmel has ditched him? Anyway, this is a guy. His partner looks like someone put a hat on her head and then dyed the remaining exposed hair. Are roots in this season?
Fortunately, I don’t think we’ll have to see his partner’s roots for very long. He racked up the lowest score of the night.
My score: I’m confused.
Kirstie Alley — Cha Cha
Until tonight, I had completely forgotten about Veronica’s Closet. I love that they listed it as one of her qualifications as a star. I’m either going to love her or hate her like Wendy Williams could only wish to be hated. So far, she’s funny and not nearly as whiny as I thought.
How about this? She can dance. How long before we get former Cheers cast members in the audience rooting for her? There may have been Veronica’s Closet cast members in the audience tonight, but no one knew.
My score: When does Bachelor Pad start?