The Bachelor Finale – A Review

Prepare yourself for the least interesting episode of the season.  There’s a reason that people immediately turn back to their meals when they see someone propose at a restaurant.  First, it’s none of their business.  Second, it’s boring to watch.  It’s just a dude on his knee and a crying/hysterical girl.

Of course, they open with a recap of the entire season.  Clearly, there are smart-ish people (for Bachelor viewers) who only tune in for the final episode.

They are still in Cape Town, South Africa.  Brad’s family has come to visit so that they can meet the girls.  Brad’s dad is not there.  Just like always.  Brad’s brothers bring their wives who each have a separate suitcase for their fingernails.  When the family arrives, Brad breaks down.  He breaks down in such a way that I’m convinced he has no emotions at all.  Real people don’t act this way and bad actors aren’t even this bad.

Chantal Meets the Family
We discover that one of Brad’s brothers’ wives is named Prima.  Isn’t that a new drink size at Starbucks?  After the introductions, Brad’s brothers corner Chantal and try not to stare at her boobs.  She tells them she’s ready to marry him right now.  When she meets with Brad’s mom they talk about…  Does anyone care?  We all know he’s choosing Emily.

Emily Meets the Family
When Emily comes in Brad gets all giddy and tells her to not be shy.  Then he tells her again to not be shy.  Then he says, “Please listen to me.  I really

He's going to choose her.

mean these words.”  Why is he constantly trying to convince people that he’s telling the truth?  I wish we could ask his dad.

The fact that Emily has a daughter immediately comes up.  When they ask more questions about her daughter, she explains that her husband was killed in a plane crash.  The family can’t not love her even though they think she’s boring.  Plus, no one is going to ask tough questions to a girl with a dead husband.  Well played, Emily.

When Emily says that Brad is “her angel” Brad’s mom basically says that she’ll kill Brad if he doesn’t choose Emily.


Brad Discusses the Girls With His Family
Brad’s sisters-in-law think they would get to know Emily better because she’s a mom and would relate to “their world.”  Chantal is not a part of “their world.”  Nothing like defining yourself and everyone else by one trait.  He should definitely be taking advice from these people.

They don’t even bother talking about Chantal — even though you can tell that both of the brothers want to mention her huge boobs.

Date with Chantal
No pressure, but Brad is hoping that Chantal can prove why she is the one while on a whale watching cruise.  Brad points out an enormous shark swimming nearby and tells her that they will be going into the water with the shark.  Remember, Chantal is the one who hates water.  However, she does take the opportunity to put her boobs on full display in her half-zipped wet suit.  Guess what?  She loves the whole experience.  Nothing like locking yourself in a cage under water where you can’t talk to really amp up the romance.

At this point, I’m convinced that Chantal knows that she’s not the one.  She’s playing along, but I don’t believe it.

In the evening, Brad meets Chantal in her suite and they sit down for some wine.  This date is all about Chantal’s boobs.  She is breaking them out in the hopes that he’ll be blinded by them.  She gives him a map of all of the places that they have visited and writes him a note about how much she is in love with him.  Then they do the awkward, stiff-legged-we’re-gonna-kiss-when-we-get-to-the-door walk.

Can we just start the crying now?

Date with Emily
Helicopter, this one is bittersweet.  It’s good to see you but it’s coupled with sadness because I know it will be our last time together.  Helicopter takes them to the Cape of Good Hope.  They sit down for a picnic and overlook the ocean.  Instead of sweet notes, she decides to give him a dose of reality.  She tells him that he can’t be cool Uncle Brad anymore and that being a father is real work.  Brad immediately gets that 1000 yard stare which I’m beginning to think is a precursor to violence when the cameras aren’t around.

Brad visits Emily in her suite.  Brad tries to convince her to give him a chance to be Ricky’s father.  He has a whole speech ready that he knows will just melt her heart and make her want to be his forever.  It’s the kind of speech that works in the movies when the characters don’t have a real life to return to.  She calls him on it.  She asks him what he thinks it means to be a father.  Instead of answering the question, he starts to get pissed that she ruined his nice little speech that was supposed to win her over.  He is so fired up that he has to mop off his brow and says that he can’t breathe.  Is anyone else worried about this dude beating the crap out of Emily once the cameras are gone?  God forbid that any of the girls ask him the questions that he asks them.

He leaves Emily’s place in a huff.  We’re supposed to believe that he’s having a hard time with this decision.

He's going to choose her.

The Ring Guy
Some dude shows up with a briefcase full of rings.  I can only assume that they are freshly picked Blood Diamonds.  He looks at a few and picks one out.  It must be nice picking out rings when you don’t have to pay for it.  He tries to share a moment with the ring guy.  He knows that he has made the right decision and he keeps reminding us that he’s never felt these feelings before.  Because he didn’t propose last time.  Remember?

Getting Ready
Each girl breaks down a little bit when they think about the possibility of not being chosen by Brad.

We get the standard shots of the girls getting ready and Brad riding to the winery where he will propose.  Chantal decides to go with the worst hairdo possible.  She tones down the boobs a bit, though.  Emily sticks with her freakishly blond hair.  Am I the only one that doesn’t think she’s gorgeous?  Too much makeup and fake hair and nails.  How is it that these girls actually look worse when the dress up?

The Proposal/Breakup
Chantal shows up first and we know that he’s going to break up with her.  He tells us that before she even pulls up.  They share an awkward hug and it’s clear that Chantal knows.  He feeds her a bunch of B.S. about their connection and how he feels like himself around her, but he won’t look her in the eye.  She’s courteous enough to not break down until he tells her that he has stronger feelings for “someone else.”  He couldn’t even use her name?  C’mon.  Once she starts crying, he keeps talking.  It’s clear that she doesn’t want to hear any more but he prattles on anyway.

She tries to compose herself in the car.  Bad move.  Just fucking let it out.  There’s nothing like a hard core cry, man.  It’s going to happen sooner or later, so just let it out now so we can all see.  She does manage to give us the standard “I’m scared I’ll never find love” line.  There’s nothing like a breakup to erase all hope of anything good ever happening again.

Brad tells us he is calm and confident because he knows that Emily is the one.  He gives another prepared speech that is supposed to make the moment feel more important, but it loses its meaning when it’s spoken by a doofus.  Eventually, he gets down on one knees and asks her to marry him.  She says yes.  We discover that she has painted her nails the same color as her teeth.  Cut to a montage of Brad and Emily making out.

I’m pretty sure that Train only writes songs for The Bachelor.

See, I told you he’d pick her.

After the Final Rose
They bring out Chantal to discuss her heartbreak.  She gets choked up again and gives the “everything happens for a reason” line that everyone gives when they don’t want to admit why something happened.  Then Brad comes out.  He immediately calls it out as awkward.  Yeah, we know.

She asks him at what point he knew that he wouldn’t choose her.  He feeds us some B.S. about how he knew early on that it was Emily but that he still felt the connection with her and that she deserved to stick around.  Ugh.  He should have just said, “It had to be someone and you had the biggest boobs.”

Even though she’s crying about the whole thing, it comes out that she is seeing someone right now.  Why are you getting so emotional about Brad now if this guy is so great for you?  Classic rebound.

Chris and Brad have a little conversation before they bring out Emily.  He tells Chris that he’s as in love with her as he has ever been.  We find out that he tried to marry her while the show was airing.  She didn’t go for it.  Chris lets everyone know that they actually broke up.  Brad insists that he still loves her and wants to make this work.  He says that he’s fighting tooth and nail for this girl.  Bad choice of words.  Lets just hope he didn’t leave bruises where we can see them.

When Emily comes out we learn that the break up was just a false alarm.  They love each other and they both consider themselves engaged.  Emily just wants to put off the wedding for a while.  She thinks that they have some things that they need to work out — like filing police reports.  We get a close up of her unadorned ring finger.

At one point she says, “He’s got a bit of a temper.”  That’s abused woman code for “help me” right?

They both look miserable.  This is not going to work.

Told you so.

Chris asks, “Do you honestly see yourself marrying Brad?”  She starts to give him the runaround but eventually she says that she does see them getting married.

Chris brings out the only three existing Bachelor/Bachelorette couples: Trista and Ryan, Jason and Molly and Ali and Roberto.  There have been 21 seasons of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette and there are only three couples?  Clearly, results don’t matter.

Anyway, the couples are there to offer advice.  They basically explain that relationships are hard work.  No shit.

They show Brad and Emily their engagement for the first time.  After, Chris mentions that Emily is not wearing a ring.  Brad pulls it out of his pocket and puts it on her finger.  Apparently, it was being sized.

I’m going to make a bold prediction and say this won’t last.  3-22, The Bachelor.

Well, 4-22 if you count me and Helicopter.