Do you like poorly formed arguments and scorned women trying to be interesting enough to extend their taste of fame? Do you like mean girls and being forced to watch clips of scenes you’ve already seen a thousand times? Do you like to be ashamed of the human race? If so, you’ll love tonight’s episode.
Tonight is the “Women Tell All” episode. It’s the one night of the season where Chris Harrison actually has to earn his money.
If you’ve never seen this show before, this is the episode where they talk to all of the girls about what happened this season. It’s like a high school reunion with no perspective. They bring the girls out and sit them in three tiered rows. If they gave them each numbered briefcases and brought out a neurotic bald man, we’d have something slightly more watchable.
Before he gets to the drama of this season, Chris announces that there will be a second season of Bachelor Pad. I immediately announce to the editors of Schadenfreude.net that I will need a raise. We are then shown a bar party with a bunch of former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants getting drunk and hooking up. Clearly, these bar parties are their auditions for the show.
Eventually, Chris retakes control of the show and asks a few easy questions about how they felt about Brad reprising his role as the Bachelor before they cut to clips of Michelle being Michelle.
Before the hounds can pounce, Lisa (I don’t remember her, either) jumps in right away to defend Michelle and her “sarcasm.” The rest of the girls bring the pain. They were all fine with Michelle until they saw the episodes. Instead of admitting that she might have been a little harsh in her interviews, Michelle puts it on them for not getting her “dry, sarcastic” sense of humor. She also tries to hide behind the fact that she left her daughter to be on the show. Chris cuts it off before it gets too heated so that they can talk about some of the other crazies.
Melissa in the Hot Seat
Chris brings Melissa down to the couch to show her the clips of her battles with Raichel. I love the awkward moment at the end where the audience
isn’t sure if they should clap afterwards. You should never clap for the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen. Melissa thinks it’s Raichel’s fault, Raichel thinks it’s Melissa’s fault. However, Raichel is the one who claimed that God was on her side, but not Melissa’s. I’m giving this one to Melissa.
When Ashley H is asked about the Melissa-Raichel situation, she claims that she was never around. It’s clear that she’s planning to use this show to solidify her position as “the nice one” so that she can be the next Bachelorette. There’s nothing worse than a girl who cares more about looking like the nicest person in the room than actually using her brain.
Michelle in the Hot Seat
Michelle starts crying before she even sits down next to Chris. Why? Because she’s embarrassed. This show made her look like a psycho. She keeps insisting that she was “there for the right reasons.” She says that she feels guilty for leaving her daughter. I guess she won’t be on Bachelor Pad. She cries and cries but she comes up just short of admitting that she might have been out of line. She knows the power of the Hot Seat. The Hot Seat makes you a victim — a role she’s very comfortable in.
The girls aren’t buying her story. Ugly Stacey starts some crazy rant about how she was raised. She’s clearly implying that Michelle is a terrible mother, or maybe I’m giving her too much credit. Eventually, Stacey takes direct shots at Michelle by saying that she put herself ahead of her child. Stacey is out of line and Chris has shout her down to shut her up. Michelle just cries. Victimization complete.
Michelle is the smartest girl on this show.
Once Michelle has recovered a bit, Jackie says that she cringed when she saw Michelle’s moments on the show. Chris asks Jackie if she had an issue with Michelle’s behavior or if she had an issue with the fact that Brad liked Michelle’s behavior. Aww, snap. Harrison earns his money.
Ashley S in the Hot Seat
If Ashley S had lasted a few episodes longer, she would have been the next Bachelorette. She’s the kind of girl that America loves — sweet and heartbroken. They show the heartrending clip of her being sent home and it nearly brings her to tears. She talks to Chris about being in a series of bad relationships and says that she only wants more closure from Brad.
Someone needs to put this girl on suicide watch.
Ashley H in the Hot Seat
Since Ashley H doesn’t have her own identity, she changes her hair color in the hopes of manufacturing one. She claims she’s the “New Ashley.” New Ashley is just as annoying as the old one.
We see the clips of her relationship with Brad falling apart and Chris asks her how she’s doing. She says that she was devastated, but that she’s feeling better now and that she’s ready to date again. (Hint, hint, producers of The Bachelorette.) Openly lobbying to be the next Bachelorette and being dumb as rocks is an unwatchable combination. Even Chris looked annoyed.
Brad in the Hot Seat
Brad claims that he’s very happy to see all of these girls. He’s the only man on the planet who would claim to be excited by a room full of girls he dumped. Ashley S continues her pity party by asking Brad why he thought she wouldn’t make a good wife. Seriously, someone take her belt and shoelaces.
Before Chris can say anything, Brad jumps to Michelle’s defense and says that he will always defend her. At that, Ugly Stacey puts on her gnome hat and waddles off.
He and Ashley H have a little moment and it’s annoying as hell. She even asks for a hug at the end. As they hug she peers into the camera pleading for America’s approval with her eyes.
They finish up by showing us clips of some charity work that Chris and Brad did while in South Africa. Because twenty minutes spent dancing with African children makes up for eleven episodes of shallow nonsense.
My roses go to…