The state of the Cougar

If you see a woman wearing one of those lacy corset shirts, she’s either a nineteen year old Victoria’s Secret model or more likely a woman in her fifties trying to convince everyone she’s her daughter’s sister. The Cougar. A title that used to hold prestige, thanks to celebrities like Demi Moore. Now the term has turned into a joke, because the average woman thinks that even she can be a Cougar. The problem is, excess. The older the Cougar gets, the younger their clothes get. Honey, no one is noticing how “hot” you are because they’re too distracted by the wrinkly sagginess that is unfortunately trapped in those crisscrossed laces. It’s like that scene in “There’s Something About Mary.” Cougars in corsets are basically Ben Stiller’s balls in a zipper. No one wants to see a fifty year old in a short Catholic schoolgirl skirt. And where can you go from there? A sixty year old dressed like a Kardasian? An eighty year old in thong Depends?

Now I’m only thirty, so I realize I do not have personal experience on the subject, but I do know that I don’t want to be a Cougar when I grow up. It would be exhausting. Shit, it’s exhausting just looking at them. I’d like to get to the point some day that I don’t have to give a shit about my appearance. Unfortunately I’m expected to continue to look like this in thirty years. I don’t even look like this now! Do you realize how much makeup and hairspray goes into looking like an average woman? I can’t even imagine the spackle it’ll take in ten years, let alone in twenty or thirty.

A new Cougar trend is to get permanent makeup. My mom actually tattooed her makeup on her face. She went from forbidding me from looking cool with my own tattoo to putting a needle in her face to keep the “sexy” permanently embedded. Why is it ok for mom to get it, but at seventeen when I wanted Tweety Bird on my shoulder, it wasn’t ok? Oh, because I might change my mind and not like the Looney Toons character in ten years? You mean like that shade of lipstick that happens to be in style now but may not be in a few years? Could you imagine if permanent makeup had been around in the 80’s? But it’s important to Cougars, because they want men to think they’re wearing makeup even when they first get up in the morning. If you’re in bed with a man, he’s not going to notice if you’re wearing eyeliner. He doesn’t even know you HAVE eyes… unless they’re on your boobs, which I guess with permanent makeup, you could make happen.

Now I’m not necessarily opposed to plastic surgery, but the average Cougar can’t afford to get everything done, so she’ll just a key area done, which is a mistake. No one wants to see a wrinkly old lady face with grapefruits up her shirt. It’s confusing! “Oh ma’am, let me help you with those… Oh no, ouch, stop hitting me.” See, that’s how all those accidental old lady molesting’s happen. When I’m old, I’m going to have fun with my saggy parts. You know that thing guys do where they squish up their balls and show their friends their “brains”. First of all, weird.  Women don’t go around showing their genitalia. But if you’re a Cougar, that’s what you’ll end up with. So when I’m old, if I’m a Cougar I’m going to be equally as gross as my male counterparts.  Like I’ll let my breasts dangle and swing around… swing low, sweet areola. I’ll let guys hang on to them like a trapeze artist or do a little tea bagging of my own with my boobs, which I will affectionately call milk jugging.

The point I’m trying to make to the middle aged women trying to get attention by acting twenty is that you’re not fooling anyone. It’s the graceful, confident older woman, smile lines and all, that is sexy. Just look at Dame Helen Mirren, there’s one Cougar that any man, at any age would happily bend over the kitchen counter. Not only would they not care what shade of lipstick she was wearing, they’d be happy to swing from her dangling Golden Globes.