Brad, Ashley, Chantal and Emily head to South Africa. Did no one tell them the World Cup is over?
This week are the notorious Fantasy Suite dates where Brad pressures them to have sex with him or go home.
We open with Brad packing for South Africa and talking about how he has trust issues. We see clips of him staring out the window of the plane interspersed with clips from dates with all of the girls as if he’s having these exact thoughts on the flight. He ends with this, “I have very difficult decisions to make. These decisions will affect my life.” Just like every decision.
First Date — Chantal
Brad rides up in a tourist-outfitted jeep to take Chantal on a safari. Brad keeps saying “South African Bush” and we all know exactly what he means. They immediately come upon a pride of lions sleeping in the “bush.” When he and Chantal see a giraffe, Brad suddenly becomes a five year old child. It’s like this guy has never been to a zoo before. Eventually they stop, walk down to a river and set up a picnic lunch as a hippo roams around behind them. It’s your standard Bachelor picnic lunch with hippo.
Brad tells her that he misses her family. Chantal tells us that love is more than just “a feeling.” I’ll tell you that jeans shorts were a bad choice, Chantal.
Thankfully, Chantal changes out of her jeans shorts for dinner and she hopes that she “will be able to prove to him that she is totally, definitely in love with him and there’s no doubts about it.” Sounds like she’s ready for some sexual intercourse. When Brad admits that he’s the most comfortable around her, Chantal proposes that they go get married right now. She then explains that getting engaged is a promise to get married and Brad agrees like it’s the first time he’s heard such a thing. And we all thought the gays were the ones ruining marriage.
Brad then offers her the Fantasy Suite envelope. I love that they make the girls read them aloud. We now know that at least three of the ladies on this show are literate. She accepts the invitation immediately and declares dinner over. He then takes her to a treehouse in the middle of the wilderness. It’s a platform with a bed on it. Welcome to sex in South Africa.
Second Date — Emily
Brad begins his date with Emily by hugging her and telling her that he forgot something. When he returns, he’s riding an elephant. The elephant stoops down and picks Emily up. Brad, Emily and the elephant driver ramble off to watch naked elephants bathe each other. This is nearly too hot for TV.
Emily asks Brad if he’s ready to be a father. He says yes. He knows what’s at stake. If he says no, there’s absolutely no way she’s going to accept the Fantasy Suite invitation.
At dinner, Brad is painfully nervous. She tells him to relax and open up. She basically tells him that she wants to marry him but falls just short of telling him that she’s falling in love with him. He then offers her the Fantasy Suite invite. She wants to set a good example for her daughter, yet she still accepts the invitation. She makes it clear that the Fantasy Suite will be used for talking, not sexual intercoursing. When they get to the room, she tells him that she’s falling in love with him. Brad tells her that he’s falling in love with her, too. Though he’s not so in love that he’ll cancel his date with Ashley.
Third Date — Ashley
Brad leads Ashley off into the lonely wilderness. Much like their first date, she willingly follows along. They arrive in a clearing and waiting there for them is my dear, sweet Helicopter. Ashley is scared of Helicopter but only because she’s never felt its sweet embrace like I have. They fly over the scenery of South Africa (which is the most romantic thing ever, of course) and land on the edge of a grassy ridge that the locals call “God’s Window.”
They sit down to a picnic and discuss where Ashley would want to live. Ashley says a bunch of annoying shit and doesn’t answer the question. Then she says a bunch of annoying shit about her career. Who would have ever guessed that the first time they tried to have a serious conversation that it would turn out horribly? This relationship is falling apart.
Brad keeps telling himself that he’s so happy to see Ashley. He’s trying so hard to convince himself that he can be with someone this annoying. Brad tells her that he wants to talk about what their life would look like together. She answers by talking for five minutes without saying anything at all. It’s annoying. The dinner quickly devolves into him telling her that he’s frustrated by her inability to articulate anything. Except he didn’t use words like “inability” and “articulate” he just keeps saying, “I don’t know” over and over.
He gives her the Fantasy Suite invitation anyway and she accepts. I guess they’re both hoping for a little bit of goodbye sexual intercourse. Unfortunately, things just get more awkward. Thanks guys. Now there’s no drama left for the Rose Ceremony.
Looks like God closed a door and a window, Ashley.
Meeting With Chris
Again, Brad sits down with Chris to relive all of the dates in soft-focus. They spend the whole time trying to convince us that there’s a chance that Ashley is staying this week. No one is that dumb.
The Rose Ceremony
Before Brad hands out a rose, he asks to speak with Ashley. He apologizes to her for asking tough questions. It’s painfully clear why he’s 38 and still single, right? She tells him that she wants him to ask her those questions. He responds with, “Then what the hell happened?” Why is he even bothering with this? This dude will never be a man. She can’t express herself. Cut her loose. He’s not doing her any favors by letting her try to explain herself when it’s already too late. Of course, he thinks he’s doing the right thing by not making her stand through the Rose Ceremony. What’s the difference? I hate this weasel.
He eventually tells her that it is over and sends her home. As she’s about to get into the car, he’s dumb enough to ask her what’s wrong. You dumped her, that’s what’s wrong.
In the car Ashley says, “Saying goodbye to someone for the last time is hard.” Oh, she’s finally found her voice. She also wishes that she could have been happy for the breakup. Does she know that breakups aren’t a happy thing? Even annoying girls are allowed to cry when some doofus stomps a mud hole in your heart.
He returns to Emily and Chantal — who have been standing there this whole time — and wants to have the rose ceremony anyway. He feeds them some B.S. about how it’s a two way street and all that. Whatever.
Ashley — for not understanding anything, ever.
The producers — for including a key in Chantal’s envelope even though it was a fucking treehouse.
Chris Harrison — for reminding us he’s still alive.
The super lame cast of the next Dancing With the Stars — they can’t even call these people “stars” anymore.