Next week, Brad goes to meet the remaining girls’ families. Two girls go home this week. Plus, there are four dates — three one-on-one dates and a group date — but only the group date will yield a rose.
One of the side effects of writing these reviews is that people send me news about the contestants on the show. Like I care. Last week someone sent me a story about how Brad proposed to some other girl before coming on the show. Boring. The most shocking part of the article was when they revealed that Brad is 38 years old. I should never be younger than The Bachelor.
First Date — Emily
Oh, Helicopter. I feel like we might be seeing a little too much of each other. I need my space. I hope you understand.
Helicopter whisks Brad and Emily off to their own little private island. They sit down for the standard picnic lunch and awkward conversation. Brad begins to tell her how he feels, but I can’t pay attention because of the poor editing. When he begins talking, their hair is dry. Suddenly, their hair is wet and we’ve not seen them in the water. Then it’s dry again. Back to wet. It stays wet for a while and then returns to dry. Strangely, the conversation we hear makes sense. I can’t imagine how stilted and uneven it was in real life.
Seriously, Helicopter. Stop calling me. You’re making it worse.
They have dinner on the beach and their hair actually stays dry the whole time. Brad asks her if he will be able to meet her daughter. She sighs heavily and he mentions it about a thousand times. Emily has never introduced her daughter to anyone that she’s dated, but Brad pushes the issue. In a last ditch effort to convince her, he guarantees that he will be giving her a rose at the upcoming rose ceremony. WHAT?! He broke the rules! Nooooooo! The integrity of this show has been impugned! IMPUGNED! How can we go on?
I can’t stay mad at you, Helicopter. Let’s never fight again.
Second Date — Shawntel
Brad and Shawntel take a bike ride to a little farmer’s market. Didn’t they do this last season? There is a good chance they’re rerunning the clips from the last season of The Bachelor. I can’t really tell any of these people apart. Brad and Shawntel — if that’s really who they are — drink mystery juice from a coconut, play dominos with the locals and have a long conversation with a toothless old lady. If only the old lady had a cloudy eye and a crystal ball, the stereotype would be complete.
They wander off to a goat pen where they sit down and have some wine. Seriously, they are in a goat pen. There is a goat with its kids roaming around. Shawntel thinks it’s adorable, but she hasn’t yet realized that she stepped in baby goat poop.
At dinner Shawnel reveals that she is falling in love with Brad. It’s that time. The girls need to talk about love in order to stay around. Brad and Shawntel have what I can only assume is deep, meaningful conversation. I didn’t really pay much attention. Shawntel is about to declare it the perfect day when suddenly Bankie Banx appears and plays a half-assed reggae song for them and there is suddenly a party. So much for the perfect day. They get tired of the reggae music and go for a late night swim and make out session.
There is no rose.
Third Date — Britt
Michelle makes her first appearance forty minutes into the show to comment about Britt’s date as, “…a waste of a yacht on Britt.” Yes, Brad and Britt are going yachting. Brad and Britt Go Yachting is also the name of a children’s book that rich parents read their children in the Hamptons. Britt is frighteningly skinny. She’s skinny enough that I’m worried about her breaking when she, you know, does anything. She’s also a food writer. Never trust a skinny food writer. The yacht takes them out to a secluded cove where they jump off a rock into the bay. After that, I’m not even sure they interacted with each other. Very romantic.
Back on the yacht, Brad has dinner ready for them on the top deck. I’m pretty sure Britt is wearing lingerie to dinner. It may look like a grandma nightie, but it still looks like underwear. I’m beginning to wonder if Britt thinks she can speak to him telepathically because there is zero conversation. Brad decides to put her out of her misery. I love these moments. The girls always plaster on a tight-lipped smile because they know the cameras are on them. To her credit, she did try to talk him out of it. Too bad she didn’t try to talk to him earlier.
There is no rose to not give her, but he manages to send her home anyway.
Group Date — Michelle, Chantal, Ashley
Brad shows up before the sun rises and rousts the women for the group date. They go to get makeovers for a photo shoot for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. Nothing like a swimsuit shoot to really put the girls at-ease and get them ready to have fun. The photographers manage to talk both Ashley and Chantal into taking off their tops. Ashley holds large pointy shells up to cover her breasts. Isn’t every guy’s dream a woman with hard, pointy boobs? Michelle is appalled that they would stoop so low, but she still needs to top them. Instead of taking off her top, she lays down on top of Brad in the sand and makes out with him. Chantal, Ashley, you’ve been Michelle’d. Queue the meltdowns.
Are there any girls left that don’t have tramp stamps? Not just on this show, in the world?
The “pool party” becomes more of a “pity party” as all of the girls have little freakouts. Ashley does her standard, “Please validate me, I have absolutely no confidence in anything, I’m not sure why I even get out of bed.” When Brad tells Michelle that they might be too much alike and that he thinks they’ll fight all the time, Michelle decides to fight with him. Chantal just tells him she loves him again in a half-hearted way.
Brad goes for another round of alone time with each of the girls. Basically he’s freaking out that the girls are upset. One damsel in distress he can handle, but three? Too much even for Brad. He decides to give needy Ashley the rose which prompts Chantal to break down. When Brad tries to comfort Chantal, she gets all passive-aggressive with him. The true way to a man’s heart.
The Cocktail Party
Instead of the cocktail party, Brad calls for Chris Harrison. He tells Chris that he doesn’t want to have the cocktail party. He already knows who he’s sending home. Chris tries to talk him out of it, but his mind is made up.
Chris informs the girls that there will be no party and it sends the girls into panic mode. Everyone cries, which is the theme of this season.
The Rose Ceremony
Ashley is the only girl who has a rose and Brad has already promised a rose to Emily which leaves Shawntel, Chantal and Michelle to battle for the remaining roses. Emily and Shawntel receive the first two roses. Chantal looks terrified and Michelle remains confident. Chantal gets the final rose.
Michelle breezes past Brad on her way out. He asks her if he can hold her hand and she says, “Probably not.” Those are the only words she says to him. Brad treads lightly because he knows the bomb could go off at any second. It doesn’t. In the car, Michelle doesn’t cry. She just lays down on the seat in silence thinking about how hard it is to make yourself cry when you have no soul. Utterly disappointing. We needed a blowout. We better get some raging during the “Before the Final Rose” show.
My roses go to…
Chris Harrison — cushiest job in the business. He does absolutely nothing.
Toothless Lady — for offering the following advice: “Hold hands and kiss a lot.”
The Producers — for allowing the integrity of this show to be impugned. IMPUGNED!
Baby goats — for appearing in this show more than Marissa did in five episodes.
Helicopter — for being my Valentine despite my craziness.