This week Brad and the Eight Mental Dwarves head to Costa Rica. It is roundly agreed that Costa Rica is the ideal place to fall in love. As will be the next place they go to — even if it’s Gary, Indiana.
First Date — Chantal
Chantal gets a one-on-one date again. She’s the first to get two one-on-one dates. Michelle is so pissed that she wishes monkey death upon her.
Helicopter! This time Helicopter is not simply a mode of transportation. They fly over the beautiful scenery of Costa Rica. Eventually, they arrive at “the longest zip line in the world.” Somehow, I think there are several zip lines that claim this title. Just before they are about to zip (that’s the right verb for this, yes?), it starts to rain. There is about three seconds of drama where they wonder if they should continue. Then some Costa Rican dude just shoves Chantal down the zip line. On the other side, they see a black monkey. In Costa Rica, they are now technically married.
In the evening, they have a picnic near a small waterfall. The rain starts again. There is no shelter nearby so they head up to Brad’s hotel room. Chantal changes out of her wet clothes and puts on one of Brad’s button down shirts. I’m not sure there’s any straight guy who can resist a girl in his button down shirt. Back at the suite, Michelle is imagining that the rain is ruining Chantal’s date. Not even close. In fact, it’s going so well that Chantal admits to the camera that she is in love with Brad.
She gets the rose.
Group Date — Michelle, Jackie, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel, Britt
On the way to the group date, Michelle complains about the rain, mud and Chantal. She is a broken record of hate and jealousy but she’s all this show has right now. I can’t wait until After the Rose when she tells herself (and everyone else) that everything was edited to make her look bad.
Brad takes the girls to repel down a waterfall. Michelle is pissed because she and Brad made a pact to not repel down things with anyone else. That’s a really stupid pact, by the way. Sometimes you need to repel out of life or death situations. Even though she’s pissed, she takes the opportunity to step up and help the other girls by standing in the back and pouting the entire time. Once everyone else has gone, Brad tells her that he’s going to repel down with her. She’s now convinced that she’s getting the rose. Not that there was any doubt.
In the evening, they head to a natural hot springs. Nothing like alcohol and a hot springs to get the girls really wasted.
Brad immediately grabs Jackie since she was clearly the most afraid to repel down the waterfall. She jumps on the fact that he repelled down with Michelle. Brad is slowly beginning to realize that he can’t please everyone. Slow learner, this guy.
Emily admits to Brad that she sabotages relationships. This scares Brad but not so much that he won’t make out with her.
Michelle takes her alone time to berate Brad about going on dates with other girls — especially Chantal. When Brad tries to speak, she shouts him down. This dude is blinded by her hotness. He just won’t cut her loose. At the first lull in conversation, she makes out with him.
Brad leaves his one-on-one time with Michelle and immediately announces that he’s not giving out a rose. Good for him. Choosing not to choose is still a choice.
Frankly, I hope that Brad chose Michelle and now he’s sitting at home watching this show thinking, “I have to dump this girl on After the Rose.”
Third Date — Alli
Alli’s date card reads, “Meet me at the altar.” Of course, Alli and Chantal only know of one use for an altar — marriage. I can’t wait for Alli to discover she’s going to be a human sacrifice.
Brad shows up with horses and takes her on a horseback ride to an ancient cave. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s the cave from Lost. The one with the light. Maybe we’ll get to see Hurley again. Of course, Alli is terrified of bugs and dirt and basically anything that might ever be in a cave. They see a few bats and she pees her pants. Eventually, they arrive at the altar. It’s just a flat spot in the cave. Again, it’s picnic time. You know, because it’s about the journey, not the destination.
They sit down for dinner on an island in the middle of the hot springs. Awkward conversation ensues. Why is it so awkward? Alli is boring. There’s really no reason she should still be on this show. She has no personality and there’s absolutely nothing sexual about her. No surprise that she’s the first girl who doesn’t get a rose on a one-on-one.
During the post date wrap-up Brad says that he “needs a little down time to process how he’s feeling.” Before he finishes the sentence, there is a knock on the door. Guess who? That’s right, Michelle. Brad seems completely thrown by the whole thing. They make out. She launches in to her usual rant about how all of the other girls are evil. Brad is on to her and he’s clearly not enjoying this. She doesn’t get the hint and proceeds to list the order in which the other girls will go home.
The Cocktail Party
When Brad arrives, he sits down and tells the girls that he’s having a hard time. Michelle is sure it’s because of the other girls. Dumb and crazy. A real catch.
To everyone’s surprise, Brad and Michelle have another fight. She insists that he asked her to say all those nasty things about the girls. Brad basically shuts down and he makes up his mind to punish her by giving her the very last rose. She might win this whole thing. She’s put her crazy on full display and he’s still going to keep her around. She needs to go home at some point so that we can see her breakdown on the ride home.
Shawntel is smart enough to take her time with Brad to help him relax by making out with him.
The other girls have figured out that Michelle is talking trash about them and upsetting Brad. They confront her and she tells them that she doesn’t go to Brad and “run off at the mouth about all of you.” Does she not realize that all of this is being taped?
Chantal tells Brad that she is in love with him. Instead of looking happy, he just looks fucking exhausted. This dude is emotionally wiped out. He can’t even enjoy his make out sessions anymore. Being the Bachelor is hard.
The Rose Ceremony
Brad has five roses to give out which means that only one girl is going home. As I predicted, Jackie and Michelle are the two vying for the final rose. He eventually give it to Michelle. Poor Jackie has been sacrificed at the altar of TV ratings and we’re treated to another boring car ride exit interview.
My roses go to…
Alli — for screaming loud enough to interrupt the hot springs date when she saw a bug.
Brad — for finally sensing that all of this is going to end badly.
The group date girls — for picking the least attractive bathing suits possible. C’mon, Emily, you’re not five.
The altar — for being completely disappointing.
Alderman Ed Bus — for helping me dig out my car.