The Bachelor Episode #5 – A Review

This week, Brad and his crazies head off to Las Vegas.  Remember when people still used the “Las”?  Those were the days.

When Chris makes his once-per-episode appearance, he drops the bomb that this week there will be the “dreaded” two-on-one date.  Two girls go on a date but there is only one rose.  With that, Vegas has gone from being a super awesome party fest to super annoying pity party.

Brad welcomes the girls to their swanky suite, delivers the date card and vanishes in a puff of smoke.

First Date — Shawntel
The card says, “Let’s end tonight with a bang.”  We all know what that means.  Fireworks.  It’s way too early for rough sexual intercourse.

Brad takes her into an enormous mall with a bunch of high-end stores.  If I had ever been to Vegas, I’m sure I’d know exactly what this is called.  He is treating her to a shopping spree with ABC’s money.  They buy everything.  If Shawntel doesn’t win, this will be the first time that someone goes home with consolation prizes.  If she does win, well, that’s just greedy.

Shawntel goes back to the suite with all of her bags and tells the other girls her story of the spree.  She then shows off her clothes.  There couldn’t be any more fallout if someone dropped a 50 megaton jealousy bomb in the room.  Plus, I think one of the girls must have farted.  That’s the only way to explain some of the faces.

In the evening, Brad takes Shawntel onto the roof of the mall they shopped at earlier.  Over dinner, she informs him that she is a funeral director and embalmer.  I’m sure most of you think that dinner is the worst possible time to talk about embalming, but I don’t.  Hell, I watch Bones while I’m eating dinner.  Despite the fact that she mentions “leakage” they still manage to laugh and finish their meal.

She gets the rose and the Brad leads her over to the edge of the roof to see a fireworks display.  See?  What did I tell you?

Meanwhile Back At the House…
Marissa is finally getting some serious screen time.  That can only mean that she’s going home.

Group Date — Everyone but the two Ashleys
Everyone does the math and figures out that the two Ashleys are going on the elimination date.  Crying ensues.

Every girl on this show.

Because the producers of The Bachelor have no shame, Brad takes all of the women to a NASCAR racetrack.  In case you don’t remember (or care) Emily’s fiancé was a NASCAR driver.  It’s all she can do to keep from breaking down.  Brad notices that something isn’t right with Emily.  He pulls her aside to talk with her and she admits to him that he crashed on the Vegas and it ended his NASCAR career.  To Emily’s credit, she got in the car and she drove the damn thing as the producers fed us some bullshit about how it’s finally healed her.  We should all be ashamed for taking part in this.

Again, to the rooftop for the after party.  Brad immediately grabs Emily again and the girls freak out.  He talks to her about her fiancé and tells her that it’s a “hard, hard, hard space for any man to fill.”  Pretty sure he means her vagina.

Alli takes her opportunity with Brad to break down and cry.  Ladies, you know this doesn’t work.  Stop doing it.

Chantal accidentally drops the “L” word.  Then she starts crying.

Brad walks over to the group of girls and it immediately becomes awkward.  Everyone is pouting.  C’mon.  Since when has pouting ever won anyone over?

Eventually Michelle pulls him away and tries to talk trash about the other girls.  He changes the subject so she makes out with him.  You know, because she’s the smart girl.  She the only one who doesn’t cry, though.

In case you didn’t see it coming, he gives the rose to Emily.  Because he can’t resist a woman in distress.

Two-On-One Date — Ashley S and Ashley H
He chose these two because he likes both of them but he also has doubts about them.  He takes them to go see an Elvis themed Cirque du Soleil show.  I can’t imagine anything worse than that.  The next time I’m stuck on a mountain and I have to cut my own arm off to free myself, I’ll keep my spirits up by telling myself, “At least I’m not at an Elvis themed Cirque du Soleil show.”  The big surprise is that they will be in the show, but only one girl will get to perform with Brad.  He has to choose.  In the meantime, they beat us over the head with how tortured these two girls are about this date.

This is the most miserable group of people I’ve ever seen.  Can’t they at least enjoy that they are doing a bunch of cool shit that no one ever gets to do?  Everything is awesome and no one is happy.

After rehearsal, they sit down to an awkward dinner.  Brad doesn’t even try to make the dinner enjoyable.  He immediately launches into his rose decision.  He feeds Ashley S the old, “I think you’ll make a wonderful wife, just not a wonderful wife for me.”  I have a feeling she’s heard that before.

Back at the house, the hefty goatee guy barges in and takes out Ashley S’s bag.  The girls are shocked.

Ashley S is devastated.  She breaks down and the cameras refuse to turn away.  She admits that she has heard the “not for me” line before.  Is she the new frontrunner for the next Bachelorette?

Brad is truly broken up about sending Ashley S home, but not so much that he can’t fly through the sky in front of 1800 people with Ashley H.

Therapist Time
Brad calls his therapist after the two-on-one.  He tells him how hard this whole thing is and that he’s a little freaked out that every single woman cries every time he talks to them.  Jamie tells him that he needs to be vulnerable.  The problem with these segments is that good advice is boring and obvious.

The Cocktail Party
Prior to Brad’s arrival, the girls talk about their various crying strategies.

Chantal has realized that crying isn’t the best strategy and she apologizes to Brad for being such a wimp.

On the other hand, Brad brings champagne and a special dessert to Alli so that she can feel special.  During her earlier crying spree she told him that it was hard for her to feel special.

Marissa gives him an envelope of little notes for him to read.  Too little too late, sister.  You should have been in the first four episodes.

Michelle takes Brad into the bedroom and closes the door.  She sits him down and tells him not to talk.  She then proceeds to awkwardly paw his face and tell him that none of the other girls are right for him.  When he tries to speak she covers his mouth and says, “Next time you can talk.”  He now knows she’s full-on crazy, right?

The Rose Ceremony
Shawntel, Emily and Ashley H already have their roses.  This week, two girls will go home.  We already know that Marissa is going home since she has suddenly been featured in this episode.  Who will the other girl be?

Lisa.  That’s right, there’s a Lisa on this show.  Apparently, she’s been hiding inside one of the sofas the entire time.

Both Lisa and Marissa cry because that’s what every single girl on this show does every waking minute.

My roses go to…
Me — for making it through this unwatchable cryfest.
Marissa — for one final Hail Mary with the envelope of notes.
Me — for not thinking of writing AShley and AsHley instead of Ashley S and Ashley H, respectively, until one of them was already gone.
Alli — for hanging around despite being pissed at Emily for having a dead fiancé
Michelle — for pretty much staying out of this episode.