Looks like I’ve been made to look the fool. Last week I gave a rose to Dr. Phil/Dr. Drew for missing the opportunity to treat a D-lister. Little did I know that this week, Brad and friends will be visiting Dr. Drew’s radio show.
Michelle wakes up with a black eye. “Maybe it’s stress,” she says. I checked WebMD. Black eyes are definitely a symptom of stress.
First Date — Chantal
They have barely opened the first card before they cut to Michelle commenting about how it should have been her.
Wait. What is this? Helicopter, is that you? Yes, yes it is! Helicopter is back! I missed you Helicopter. Helicopter whisked Brad and Chantal off to go
walk across the sea floor. Of course, Chantal is terrified of water which suddenly makes this a bigger deal than it should be. This will endear her to Brad and foster a stronger “connection.” Guess what? She did it and she loved it. I’m sure there’s a life lesson in there somewhere, but I’m not here to give you life lessons. I’m here to point out how this was all completely scripted.
Can we retire the phrase “best [insert anything here] ever”? It’s never true.
Chantal apologizes to Brad for slapping him during their first meeting. Because she should. She had absolutely no reason to slap him. I mean, except for the fact that she’s trying to become the next Bachelorette.
She gets the rose.
Group Date — A bunch of girls (but not Michelle)
After her name isn’t called, Michelle says, “There’s a really good chance that if I don’t get a one-on-one date this week, Brad might get his own black eye.” Seriously. It’s like the writers of Two and a Half Men wrote this episode.
Brad decides to take the girls to appear on Loveline. You know, the radio show with Dr. Drew. Brad thinks that this will create an environment where all the women will be ready to open up. Being broadcast to all of America is a great way to make people comfortable.
The radio show is completely uneventful. They don’t ask any questions that don’t already get asked during one-on-one time on this show. The only slightly interesting moment is when Stacy admits that she has cheated on a boyfriend, but it was in college. Isn’t that what college is for?
Brad needs to stop asking for permission to speak. This is his show.
Brad takes all of the girls back to his place for drinks. Ashley H immediately starts to freak out for no reason. The girls begin trying to get some one-on-one time with Brad which begins a sequence of girls stealing him away from another girl as soon as they sit down. Do they instruct Brad to never tell these girls to back off when they come to steal time away from other girls? Grow a spine, dude.
Ashley H has lost her tenuous grip on reality. She is convinced that she is the only girl who struggles with this situation and that she is the only girl who has a connection with Brad. She sneaks up on Brad while he is making out with Britt. The look of shock and fear on Brad’s face isn’t enough to scare her away so she sits down and tells Brad that she’s “never experienced all of these emotions before.” Really? You’ve never been frustrated, angry or jealous? Brad can’t resist a damsel in distress, so he talks her down and convinces himself that he needs to give her the rose.
When Brad approaches the girls in the hot tub so that he can give out the rose, Ashley H says, “Uggh, I hate this.” Brad calls her out on it and she weasels out of answering the question. He then says that he’s changing his plan and takes Britt away to give her a rose. What’s this? Is Brad growing a spine? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Meanwhile Back at the House…
The final date card arrives. Cut to Michelle saying, “I want this date so bad.” No shit. Chantal immediately jumps on the fact that Michelle’s date card simply says, “Let’s hang out together.” All the rest have had some sort of bad “love” pun. I like Chantal. She knows how to push the right buttons. Michelle goes into freak out mode but I’ll spare you the details.
Third Date — Michelle
Brad arrives to pick up Michelle but immediately grabs Ashley H for a quick chat. This is it. This is the moment we get to see Michelle’s head explode. While Michelle seethes about Ashley H creating drama to gain time with Brad, Chantal calls her out for doing the exact same thing during the first episode. Oh Chantal, don’t think we can’t see you gearing up for your second chance at love on The Bachelorette.
Brad basically begs Ashley H to hang around. He does realize that he doesn’t have to save everyone, right?
Michelle threatens to elbow Ashley H in the face if she doesn’t get a rose. Like Brad would ever withhold a rose on a one-on-one.
Helicopter! You’re back again! Twice in one episode! We’re making up for lost time.
They fly into downtown L.A. and land on the top of a skyscraper. Brad then informs her that they have to repel down the side of a building to their dinner. She’s afraid of heights. Surprise, surprise. Eventually she does it as the music swells in the background. Who writes this shit? More importantly, who falls for this shit? Also, how many people were rooting for her to fall?
Brad, showing his ignorance, calls her “a mature woman.” I can only assume that he means that she’s old.
She gets the fucking rose. Of course she does. She told him exactly what she thinks he wants to hear and he’s exactly the kind of guy that falls for that shit.
Brad’s therapist, Jamie, is back. Jamie basically tells Brad that it’s okay to make out with all of the women.
There’s going to be an episode where the remaining girls have to meet Jamie, right? At the very least Jaime should get to sick his crazy-sniffing dogs on them. I can’t wait to see the look on Michelle’s face.
The Cocktail Party
Brad walks in fully armed with Jamie’s advice. He’s wearing his make out holster.
Brad pulls Emily away and grabs a basket of pillows and wine so they can have a little picnic together. Of course, this causes a bit of a stir with the other ladies, but Michelle handles it with grace and aplomb. Brad justifies this little picnic by saying that he did it because she didn’t get a date this week. Plus, he’s already picked her.
Here’s a summary of every conversation ever had on The Bachelor:
Girl: “It’s just so hard to see you with these other girls.”
Bachelor: “I know, but you can’t worry about them.”
Girl: “I know, it’s just that I never expected to feel this way.”
Bachelor: “Me neither, but I’m glad you do.”
Girl: “This scares me.”
Bachelor: “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Girl: “This has been the best conversation ever.”
Girl & Bachelor: (Make-out)
The Rose Ceremony
Chantal, Britt and Michelle take this opportunity to prance around the other girls with their roses. Britt waves her’s around while making light saber noises. Three girls go home tonight.
Ashley S, Alli, Emily, Shawntel, Jackie and Ashley H all receive roses. Lisa and Marissa also get roses even though they’ve yet to appear in any of the four episodes.
Meghan and Stacey pretty much take their ouster in stride, and all the girls who lied about cheating on Dr. Drew’s show breathe a sigh of relief.
Lindsay, the hot redhead, looks hurt and claims that her father is going to be so proud of her. Wha? For going on a dating show? I’m disappointed that we didn’t get to see her in a bathing suit.
My roses go to:
Helicopter — for coming back to me. I knew you couldn’t stay way. Nice new paint job, by the way.
Britt — for obviously having off the charts make out powers.
Emily — for locking this thing down by episode 4.
Stacey — for proving that honesty still doesn’t trump ugly.
Michelle — for auditioning for The Real Housewives