Hang on. I’m beginning to wonder if Brad is really a changed man. I need to be told at the beginning of the show every single week. I’m afraid this is all going to fall apart.
Chris gathers the girls together and is all, “That was super crazy last night, right? O. M. G. Anyway, nothing changes. Dates and dates.”
Not that you care, but I’m dropping the initials from the end of Shawntel and Chantal. They need the initials on the show because they are homophones, but it’s not necessary for this blog since you can clearly see the different spellings.
First Date — Ashley S.
She’s the one that got the First Impression Rose on the premiere. Brad takes her to Capitol Records to record a song. Guess which song? That’s right,
“Kiss From A Rose” by Seal. Ashley seems to think that Brad, not the producers, chose the song. Brad says, “I know that this is going to be absolute torture for Ashley.” Great way to choose a date. They are predictably awful. Absolutely awful. So awful that I feel dirty trying to make fun of them.
After their session, they go into a studio where Seal is “recording” that same song. Again. Because it’s his only song.
Are there enough scenic rooftops in L.A. for Brad to have every single dinner on a scenic rooftop? He’s going to give it his best shot. Ashley tells Brad the story of how her father loved “Kiss From A Rose.” Her father is now dead because of that song or something. I didn’t quite follow why it was so important to her. My dad liked a lot of crappy songs. I don’t get all weepy every time I hear them. Most likely she made the whole thing up to try to create some kind of “connection” with Brad.
Also, chalk her up as the first to say, “I think I’m falling for him.”
Group Date — a bunch of girls, including Michelle
Michelle immediately starts crying because she is pissed about going on a group date with Brad. Imagine what would happen if she wasn’t chosen for a date at all. She’s “sick and tired of going on dates will all these women.” First, these aren’t really dates. Second, you knew the deal. Third, this pouting is not putting you in a good place to be the next Bachelorette. Less crying, more making America love you.
Brad is going to film an action movie with the ladies. The idea is that the girls are to rescue the Bachelor. Basically, all of the women get to take turns kicking ass. It plays right into Michelle’s rage thing.
Shawntel switches into hard-core badass mode and makes everyone else look silly. Then she aggressively makes out with a tied-up Brad.
After the shoot, they head to a, wait for it, rooftop to get drunk and fight over Brad. Chantal immediately starts crying about “how hard this is.” Then she tells a story about how her dad passed away without her knowing. Really? Do any of these girls have a living father? I mean, they obviously don’t have a strong male role model, but two dead dads in one episode? Of course, Brad does the only thing he knows how to do when a girl cries — makes out with her.
Is it just me or do all of these girls look exactly alike when they get their hair wet?
Michelle walks in on a private moment with Alli by lurking in the background and making the whole situation weird. Then she cries about her daughter and makes out with Brad. Is crying a turn-on for Brad?
Shawntel gets the rose. Guess who thinks she deserved the rose? I predict that Michelle will hospitalize someone before the end of this season.
Third Date — Emily
She’s terrified. She plans to tell him about how her husband died in a plane crash and she then found out she was pregnant days later.
Brad drives her to the airport and I hold my breath hoping for the return of Helicopter. Instead, he piles her into a private jet. You know, the kind of private jet her fiancé died in. Brad is such a dick for making her fly. Especially since she walked to L.A. from North Carolina.
Emily spends most of the date avoiding all of Brad’s questions because that’s probably the best way to get him to fall in love with her. Guys love it when a girl is obviously holding something back so that every interaction is awkward. Has she ever watched this show? When has a girl bared her soul to a dude only to have it backfire on her? Never. Her story is no different and she is the first non-crying make out of the show.
She gets the rose.
By the way, this episode is sponsored by dead people.
Brad’s Therapist Moment
Brad’s therapist shows up to check on Brad and try to get his own TV show. Brad tells him about his dates which is boring. They should have watched the footage of the dates and done a telestrator-type breakdown of each of his moves. Instead, the doctor simply says, “Make the girls feel comfortable” and Brad treats this like it’s some sort of amazing revelation.
They threw this in there because there is clearly not enough interesting Cocktail Party footage to fill the rest of the show.
The Cocktail Party
Everyone is on edge, you know, because they’re all crazy. Though, Brad is on a mission to make everyone feel comfortable. He even brought pillows. Alli reveals the shocking detail that her father was a cheater and her parents are divorced. Imagine, a girl on The Bachelor that came from a broken home. Gasp!
Once Michelle gets Brad alone, she informs him that they are in a fight. Why? Because he has kissed other girls. I’m sure they’ve checked her for regular knives, but the real psychos use glass knives because they’re super sharp and hard to detect. Have they checked her for glass knives?
Cut to a montage of Brad being interesting and charming with all of the girls. He’s doing it! He’s making them feel comfortable! He’s a changed man! He didn’t even need the extra pillows.
Then shit gets real. Madison sits down with him an takes out her fangs. Oh shit, they are going to con-ver-sate. It’s like when your mom uses your middle name — you know it’s serious. She basically tells him that she’s not into him and that she’s going home. In an earlier conversation with Ashley S, she says, “I feel like there are girls who need this. I don’t need this.” I feel like that could be my review every week.
Ashley H whines about how hard it is and she wants Brad to guarantee that she’s not going to get hurt. I think this girl just bought a one-way ticket to the Crazy Train.
The Rose Ceremony
Another boring Rose Ceremony. The only possible drama is if Madison is going to accept a rose or not. In fact, I’m pretty sure the producers added three girls just for the Rose Ceremony this week just so that Brad has someone to send home. Shawntel, Emily and Ashley S all have roses and are standing smugly aside, as always.
Michelle gets the first rose because he knows she would poison anyone who got a rose before her. He then chooses Chantal and soon after, Madison walks out. Brad chases her down and tells her that he respects her decision to walk away. He kinda has to, you know.
Kimberly and Sarah P are sent home. Instead of showing actual emotion, Kimberly says, “Fuck Brad. I can go out and date someone tomorrow and it will be fine.” Shocking that she went home. Sarah P completely breaks down in a she-needed-this-way-too-much-to-completely-fall-apart-in-the-third-episode kind of way.
My roses go to:
Marissa and Stacey — for not appearing in any of the three episodes to this point.
Helicopter — in the hopes that you make your return. I miss you so.
Brad — for continuing to keep up the ruse that these dates are his idea.
Madison — for getting the fuck out.
Dr. Phil/Dr. Drew — for missing an opportunity to “treat” a D-list star.