It’s clear that they are going to continue to bash us over the head with this whole he couldn’t choose thing. They open again with him trying to convince us all that he’s a “changed man” and that he’s ready for love. We get it, he’s going to choose someone this time.
In a strange moment at the beginning of the show, Chris comes out and explains to the women how the show works. Is Chris even necessary anymore? Doesn’t this show run itself?
First Date — Ashley H.
Brad whisks her away in some kind of fancy convertible (I’m not a car guy) and he eventually turns off onto this creepy dirt road in the middle of nowhere and takes her for a walk. Are we finally going to witness our first primetime murder? No. There is a carnival set up just for them. You know, one of those scary carnivals where it looks like the rides could fall apart at any moment. Maybe we will see our first primetime death after all.
After playing the test your strength game (the one where you try to ring the bell by swinging a big hammer), they start making out like two people trying to convince themselves that they really want to be making out.
I may have misunderstood what she said because I was checking the score to the BCS Championship game, but I’m pretty sure she said her father is homeless, yet has no idea where he is. How does she know that he’s homeless, then? Does he text her? Brad then talks about his absent father but no one can take this seriously while crazy clown heads loom in the background.
Because Brad always takes the easy way out, she gets the rose.
Second Date — Fifteen Girls (I know, they freaked out, too.)
Michelle spends the entire pre-date time pouting about how she has to go on a date with fourteen other girls on her 30th birthday. I get it. She’s 30, this might be her last chance. Especially if she keeps mentioning it, and she does. Brad announces that the date will be spent making PSAs for the American Red Cross. It’s the standard group date with scripts that are designed to make the other girls jealous. But it’s for a good cause.
Keltie is cast as a butch girl in two arm casts and a neck brace. To top it off, they put her in flannel and a headscarf. Instead of owning it and taking the opportunity to impress Brad, she whines about how unsexy it is. Does no one do their homework before they come on the show?
The first PSA is a spoof of a bad Mexican soap opera where two of the girls fight over him by taking turns kissing him. The rest of the girls are fine with this. Not really, I was just seeing if you’re paying attention. They are all appropriately disgusted and Melissa — who is not in the scene — barges in and kisses him.
Chantal O. And Britt play two drunk party girls who are to make out with Brad on a bed. Britt takes this opportunity to go to town on Brad. The correct choice would have been for her to go to town on Chantal O. Michelle storms out and pouts like a twelve year old. This is what happens when the hot girl doesn’t get what she wants for once — on her birthday.
After the shoot they have a rooftop party. Brad says it’s “the perfect environment for a fun, lighthearted evening.“ This party has just been doomed to be neither fun nor lighthearted. The girls take their turns pulling him away for one-on-one time. Can we start calling Brad Lake Compliment? Every time these girls fish for a compliment, he gives them exactly what they want.
Raichel and Melissa get into some sort of drunken argument about nothing for no reason. I can only hope it’s about the way Raichel spells her name.
Guess who gets the rose? That’s right, Michelle. Because it’s her birthday. Another easy choice from the man with no spine.
Third Date — Jackie
Brad says, “This date is Jackie’s own Pretty Woman experience.” Brad takes Jackie to a fancy hotel who proceeds to call the doormen “guards.” This is just another example of the post-9/11 America we live in. Brad ushers her into a room full of dresses and shoes for her to select from. Of course, she chooses the worst dress possible. To top it off, she gets jewelry. It wouldn’t be a Pretty Woman experience without jewelry that she has to give back at the end of the date.
Once Jackie is all dolled up, they take a limo to the Hollywood Bowl. During dinner she admits that she wasn’t popular and didn’t date much. He gets very concerned that she’s only had two major relationships. He sees a little of himself in her, ifyouknowwhatimean. I mean sex. After their deep and connection building conversation, they are serenaded by Train. I’ve never seen him before, but the lead singer of Train is creepy looking. He kinda looks like one of the cats from Cats. Also, someone needs to tell him to stop writing songs about that same enigmatic girl.
Despite his concerns, she still gets the rose. Because it’s the easy choice.
The Cocktail Party
Michelle pulls him away as soon as the cocktail party starts and asks him those inane questions that make you think that you’re getting to know someone but don’t tell you anything at all. Like: Starbucks vs. Coffee Bean? Why do I feel like she brought a cheat sheet to this show?
He and Emily spend about five minutes trying to out-flatter each other. It’s quite a battle. Emily wins but only because Brad doesn’t want to offend her by out-complimenting her.
Raichel and Melissa take the first opportunity to start screaming at each other for no reason. I feel like they’ve lost focus. Aren’t they here to fall in love with whoever ABC selected for them? I’m already looking forward to After the Rose with these two. Raichel takes solace in the fact that “Jesus still loves me.” I’m not a big Jesus guy, but doesn’t Jesus love everyone?
Melissa immediately breaks down in front of Brad and begins to explain her pointless argument with Raichel. Then she breaks her crying spree to apologize for her onion breath. This is the first moment in which we get to see Brad form an opinion all by himself, and he ain’t buying it. He then goes to find Raichel and she does the same thing.
Chris suddenly shows up and informs the girls that Ali and Roberto (from last season) will be helping Brad hand out a rose. I’m not sure how this raises the stakes or even changes anything but I’m sure it does somehow. They interview each of the girls. Meanwhile, the Raichel and Melissa drama continues. They brief Brad afterwards but we’re not allowed to hear the conversation because they can’t tarnish their golden couple by letting us hear them talk trash about the girls. He decides to give the rose to Emily.
The Rose Ceremony
Ashley H., Michelle, Jackie and Emily already have roses and they all stand smugly off to the side. Once again, there are still too many girls for there to be any legitimate drama. The only question is if Raichel or Melissa is going to get a rose. Neither of them do and we’ve officially had our first “message” rose ceremony. Create drama, go home. You show ‘em, Brad. Do you care who else got roses? No, you don’t.
In her exit interview, Melissa blames everyone else. I can only imagine that’s a theme in her life. Raichel tries not to cry because that would be “letting Melissa win” but she still doesn’t apologize for the spelling of her name.
My roses go to:
Brad — for sending both Raichel and Melissa home.
The Producers — for letting every single girl overdo her makeup for the rose ceremony.
Keltie — for wearing a tiara and then being surprised she was sent home. Also, for rapping.
Lindsay — for being caught with an angry, angry look during the rose ceremony. Also, for being a hot redhead.
Ali — for extending her bad hair streak to a record three Bachelor/Bachleorette seasons.