Hey folks, Fred the Tuckpointer here reporting in from the RED state of Ohio. Sorry I’ve been away, but you know…the holidays. Since I’ve been around the house a lot lately, Sadie’s been making me do all sorts of projects, to “keep me honest”, whatever that means. So I painted the bathroom and cleaned out the garage a little around Christmas. She wasn’t hot about the orange and brown colors I picked out for the shitter, but hey…I crap in there too. Let a guy live a little.
Anyway, after the good times of the election came the dreaded “Lame Duck” session of Congress. A better name would be “Danger Duck” or “Liberal Duck with Nothing to Lose”, ’cause most of the Democrats who lost didn’t have to worry about winning any more elections. They tried to run all sorts of horseshit through the Congress before they got locked out. The Liberal Media kept running stories that nothing ever gets done with the Lame Duck, but us Conservatives know better.
One great thing was how the GOP held the line on the tax cuts. President George W. Bush got a bunch of tax cuts done back when he was in charge, but for some reason he didn’t make them forever. Maybe they’re like Browns Season Tickets – you know they’re awesome, but you can’t ask for them forever – you may die before then. The tax cuts for everyone – Lazy/Poor class, Medium class and the Successful class – were due to expire in 2011. Now we all know that Obama wants everyone to be poor, so that he can enslave us and declare himself Barry Hussein the First. He tried some bullshit about how the government couldn’t afford the tax cuts for the successful, which is stupid – just ask Rush Limbaugh. I get that tax cuts are revenue for the government. So how can they “lose” that money when it isn’t theirs to begin with? Sound Conservative logic wins again. And Reaganomics works just as well today as it ever did – the more the rich have, the more everyone has. So the GOP played a little hard ball; they told Obama either the Successful keep their tax cuts, OR NO ONE GETS THEM. It was awesome – just like the Godfather, McConnell gave Obama “an offer he couldn’t refuse”. Sadie thinks that was really stupid because our taxes would have gone up (we’re in the Medium class), but if you can’t stand for principle, what can you stand for? Besides, Obama’s a pussy and he caved right away, so it all worked out great. After everything was done I gave my old boss Richie a call asking him when the next job was going to be. I mean, with his tax cut that meant things were going to pick up, right? He’ s a small business owner, so I figured he’d invest in something or maybe a richer guy would need his mansion tuckpointed. Well, Richie says I’m an idiot and that whatever he’s keeping doesn’t mean shit because he’s going to use it to pay off some debt. See, this is why *I* should be in charge. Richie’s probably a closet liberal that won’t take what’s his and help grow the economy. I’m sure it’ll make its way to me soon, though. People always need tuckpointing.
Anyway, so the tax thing was saved. The other stuff that happened wasn’t that big of a deal. I got no problem with gays serving in the military. I know some other conservatives don’t like it, but I know this gay guy Jerry who’s into MMA, and he’s a bad ass who beat some dudes up at Johny’s last year when they called him a queen. I say let’s turn him loose – if he’s into triangle-choking terrorists, I figure we can let him do what he likes, then God can punish him or whatever down the road. On the scale of Conservative stuff, making sure taxes don’t go up was the more important thing.
Listen, I gotta get outside – Sadie’s screaming about the snowblower not starting, and she’s gotta be able to get out of the driveway for work tomorrow. Guess there’s another project, eh? ROFLMA. Till next time, Fred the Tuckpointer signing off.