Dancing With the Stars Week 9 – A Review

They don’t even bother to tell us that Kurt Warner went home last week.  I can only assume they are as pissed about Bristol Palin still being on the show as I am.  Please tell me there is an enormous online community that is banding together to keep her on this show as a joke.

What?  There’s no theme this week?  How am I going to know what these jokers are supposed to be dressed as?  How will Bristol ever get in character?

Brandy
Dance One, Paso Doble:
Brandy breaks down her competitors and all she can say about Bristol Palin is, “She’s so nice.”  She subscribes to the “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” camp.  I don’t.  Bristol Palin is awful.  She’s a terrible, terrible dancer and she’s boring as hell.  When she’s on screen I want to stab my parents for giving me life and allowing me to be subjected to something like this.

Dance Two, Argentine Tango:
Oh goody.  We get to learn about the past of the stars in the second package.
Brandy in a nutshell: Lots of bad music, fatal car accident (not her), Dancing With the Stars, back to oblivion.

My score: Life is hard.

Jennifer Grey
Dance One, Cha-Cha:
Jennifer Grey is an attractive older lady but when she gets all flirty and sexy it is creepy as hell.  It’s something beyond cougar.  It feels like she’s breaking the law.  Especially when she’s dancing.  I need to be sandblasted after watching that.

Dance Two, Waltz:
Jennifer in a nutshell: Father on Broadway, wanted to be an actress, Dirty Dancing, fatal car accident (not her), creepy Hollywood friends, disappearing nose, Dancing With the Stars, back to oblivion.

My score: Baby just put me in a corner.

Kyle Massey

Your next role, Kyle

Dance One, Samba:
Did you know that Kyle still wears Husky size clothes?  The judges sure do.  They couldn’t stop talking about how he bounced around the dance floor.

They’re clearly shocked a fat man can dance.  They’ve never been to a wedding in Chicago.

Dance Two, Argentine Tango:
Kyle in a nutshell: Has a brother, child TV star, knows Louis Gosset, Jr., Dancing With the Stars, back to oblivion.

My score: Can we get him to star in Iron Eagle 5?

Bristol Palin
Dance One, Paso Doble:
Bristol’s partner suggests that she is still in the competition because America looks at her and thinks, “That’s what I would be like.”  No, rest of America, you would be way more interesting.  Then Bristol chimes in with, “No offense to anyone else, but I’m not fake.”  First, when you start a sentence with the words, “No offense to anyone else” you are about to offend someone else.  Second, if you were more fake you might be interesting.

Dance Two, Waltz:
Bristol in a nutshell: Alaska, famous mom, self-proclaimed golden child, pregnant teen in the spotlight, attempted to play it for fame, Dancing With the Stars, object of my wrath, back to oblivion.

My score: Real is boring.

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