Last week was Rick Fox’s turn to go home. I’m sure his stalker girlfriend is happy to have him back all to herself.
This week they are doing something called the Instant Dance Round. The dancers will rehearse for a dance without knowing what song they will be dancing to. They’ll be choosing their song an hour before they have to perform. Is there any doubt they’re doing this so that Bristol Palin finally goes home?
Dance One, Viennese Waltz:
Kyle’s partner spends the entire time screaming at him about how terrible he is. If she was Bristol Palin’s partner someone would have to hide her knives. Of course, Kyle thinks it’s hilarious when she yells at him because he only has one emotion: on camera.
Instant Dance, Jive:
After Kyle got his scores for the first dance he pulled the “Good Golly, Miss Molly” CD out of the music basket. Then he ran off like a schoolgirl to go practice.
They decided to bring Steve-O back to try to distract Kyle while he rehearsed. In case you didn’t know, Steve-O is Kyle’s older brother. You could really feel the love.
My score: Who’s the jackass now?
Dance One, Quickstep:
Would you have guessed that there is drama with Jennifer this week? Her knee hurts and a doctor comes in, presses on her knee a little bit and decides that she’s got a torn tendon. Then her dad comes in and tells her that he’s proud of her and all that shit that dads say to their children but don’t really mean. She decides to dance, anyway. Probably because she was faking in the first place.
Instant Dance, Rhumba:
Jennifer chooses “I’ve Been Waiting For a Girl Like You” by Foreigner. She doesn’t know the song and she seems pissed about it.
During her rehearsal she doesn’t complain about her knee once. She does make a creepy eighth grade dance reference while her partner is gyrating his hips. Can we change her song to “Mrs. Robinson”?
My score: Your desperation is showing.
Dance One, Waltz:
I’m not entirely convinced that Kurt’s partner understands anything he says. Nor am I sure that he understands anything that she says. This only makes his transformation from Frankenstein to Not-As-Much-Frankenstein all the more impressive.
Instant Dance, Cha-Cha:
Kurt will be dancing to “Hella Good” by No Doubt. That is not an extended typo. I don’t even need a joke here.
Kurt’s kids came in to “help” him rehearse. They were wearing name tags. There’s a good chance it was for his benefit, not his partner’s. He is an athlete after all. Also, he stole the green shirt from that Tide commercial.
My score: Technically, it’s Frankenstein’s Monster, not Frankenstein, Jeff
Dance One, Argentine Tango:
There is no way she should still be on this show. I’m going to use this space to convince America to finally vote her off.
Imagine if you’re mother went around the country talking to people about how you were the biggest mistake she ever made. Imagine if she tried to convince people to not do the exact thing that brought you into this world. What if she based her entire identity around the fact that she made a mistake by having you? Is this something a good mother does? This is what Bristol Palin does.
Also, she’s a terrible dancer.
Dance Two, Instant Dance:
Bristol reaches into the CD basket and pulls out “Mas Que Nada” which means “lots of suck” in Spanish.
Have you ever watched a small gay man try to teach an elephant how to dance?
My score: It just got real, didn’t it?
Dance One, Waltz:
Brandy and her partner have finally reached a point where she accepts his condescension like a battered wife of mutual respect . She does realize that this will do absolutely nothing for her career, right? There’s no need for her to take this abuse before she fades back into obscurity.
Instant Dance, Cha-Cha:
Brandy picks “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry. Really? When are the producers going to make her dance to one of her own songs? She does sing, right?
During rehearsal Brandy and her partner decided to have a butt-off. Unfortunately, this only involved them hoisting their butts up with their hands. All of my butt-offs involve a whole lot of booty bouncing.
My score: For realz. With a z.