Dancing With the Stars Week 5 – A Review

The Situation is that he is no more.  America finally put him out of his misery or maybe they put themselves out of their own misery.

It’s TV Theme week.  No one on this show understands metaphors so all of the dancers will be performing to TV show theme songs.  I can’t imagine anything worse.

They insist on doing a two hour show even though they don’t have enough dancers to fill the time.  Instead, they decide to have the judges talk about each dancer.  It still won’t make these people any more interesting but it does give me time for a nap.

Brandy danced to the theme song from Friends.  She loves it because “it’s everything that describes a friend.”  Does she also love the dictionary?  We can only hope they end up in a fountain.

Why do they insist on pushing the band’s limits?  It’s like trying to teach a third grader calculus.

My score: I can see you acting.

Florence Henderson
Can you guess which TV theme Florence will be dancing to?  Can you?  If you can’t you are an idiot, Shadenfreude.net Reader.  Yes, it’s The Brady Bunch theme.  She even managed to get Greg Brady to come to her rehearsal and she implied that they may have hooked up when they were on the show together.  Was this a rumor?  Gross.

Does anyone else think it’s weird that Florence’s partner has had more plastic surgery than any of the stars?

My score: Incest is not sexy.

Kurt Warner
Kurt was an NFL quarterback so they’ve got him dancing to the theme from Bewitched.  They couldn’t get the rights to Faith Hill’s Sunday Night Football theme?  I’m pissed that I can’t be pissed about them doing the obvious here.  Pissed.  About not being pissed.

Hot rumor: Kurt is totally dating Michael J. Fox.  Why else would they show him after Kurt’s dance?

My score: Let’s start a rumor.

Audrina Patridge
Audrina’s partner tells her to eat an onion to help reduce the awkwardness of the intimate moments.  Teenagers everywhere are going to start carrying onions around just in case.  Wait.  Teenagers don’t watch this show.  They’re too busy doing something cool like bullying each other.

Audrina dances to that song about dirty windows and blank pages.  Is that a theme song to a TV show?  If so, I hate that show.

My score: Hot girls will do anything for attention.

Kyle Massey
Kyle is assigned the theme from Charlie’s Angels.  They should have just assigned him the theme from the Ed Sullivan Show.  His partner decided to bring in two other hot dancers to help him with his technique and complete the Charlie’s Angels theme.  Everyone knows the best way to get a teenager to focus is to bring in a bunch of hot girls.

My score: It works for grown men, too.

Rick Fox
What do you think of when you see Rick Fox?  Cops.  That’s why he’s dancing to the theme from Hill Street Blues.  See how I do that?  I hate it when they’re too literal and I hate it when they’re not literal at all.  I get to have it both ways and eat it too.

Rick took his partner to meet Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson and they both did a very good job pretending that they watched the show.

My score: Phil Jackson reminds me of Andre the Giant.

Bristol Palin. I'm not even kidding.

Bristol Palin
It wouldn’t be a TV theme song show without the theme from The Monkees.  It wouldn’t be Dancing With the Stars if they didn’t waste the most energetic song on the least energetic contestant.  At least her partner decided to dress them up in gorilla suits.  Seriously, they wore gorilla suits for the first half of the dance.  For the second half of the dance, Bristol completely forgot the routine.  She should have written the steps on her hand.  Hasn’t her mom taught her anything?

What’s it called when you find pleasure in the misfortune of others?  It starts with an ‘s’ doesn’t it?  Oh yeah, schadenfreude.  This was pure, uncut schadenfreude.

My score: Your child misses you.  Go to him.

Jennifer Grey
Jennifer and her partner danced to the theme from Married With Children because she’s just as annoying as Ed Bundy’s wife only Jennifer is real.

Do you remember that girlfriend you had in high school who could conjure an argument out of thin air?  That’s Jennifer Grey.  The only difference is that she’s 50 years old and still acts like a teenager.  Now you know why she hasn’t worked since 1987.

Has anyone squandered cancer survivor sympathy faster than Jennifer Grey?

Guess what, she nailed her dance.  America, please help us all out of this abusive cycle.  Do not vote for or encourage this woman in any way.

My score: Got your nose.